Alone and afraid...

[blue-green-purple]

I've been extremely overwhelmed lately. Everyday feeling like I'm carrying a ton of bricks and can't move forward, just drowning in place, unable to keep my head above water. I can't do it anymore. I'm sliding back down the rabbit hole with treatment resistant depression and anxiety. All I can do for relief is sleep and that is not solving anything but I'm exhausted from running circles in my mind. Trying to figure a way out. Trying to get help. The more I try, the more problems get thrown at me. This morning I woke up and just started crying. Because I woke up. I don't want to. I don't want to be here but I know I will not act on my thoughts. It's against everything I believe. So I'm stuck here, alone, always alone with my problems, ever longer to-do list and no one to help me. I have a therapist. She doesn't know what to say at this point. She thinks I'm the strongest person she knows for fighting and surviving this long. I am strong but everyone breaks sometime. There's only so much I can take. Life is so hard and lonely and expensive and getting worse every day.

I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I'm going to lose it--my mind, my home, my dogs--all of it. And I'm in pain. Mentally, emotionally and physically. It may be happening already just so slowly that I barely notice above everything else that is distracting me. No family to turn to anymore although I dream about being with them again then wake up and realize they are no longer here. Friends have long gone. No one to walk through this last chapter of life with.

Agoraphobia rearing it's ugly head. I hardly have the courage to walk the dogs around the neighborhood anymore. So I'm trapped in a prison of my own making and I'm also holding the key but I can't find the lock. How does this end well? When doctors and therapists tell you they don't have any answers, where do you go for help? What is the point of even trying anymore? No one will even know that I am gone because no one even knows that I am here.

If someone reads this someday, I was here. I existed. I had a life. I hope my dogs find a good home.

I can't stop crying. It's just so sad. And still I'm afraid and alone.

[Hidden]

I'm so sorry you're in such agony. You aren't alone. What have you done in the past to help get out of this rabbit hole? My psychiatrist likes to remind me that I've been through hard times before.

[blue-green-purple in reply to Hidden]

It seems to be a cycle. I just live with it and ride it out. Could be days or weeks or months. I never know how long or why I seem to snap out of it. Thank you for responding.

[Hidden in reply to blue-green-purple]

I hear you. You're welcome.

[bowJim]

Your not alone blue-green-purple, I feel what you are saying, it seems a negative cycle, but there is help, keep believing something will come to you, to help you, this is not easy or not easy for me, until I broke the cycle, somethings work better for some than others,

I tell you mine, meditation, headphones on, there are lots on YouTube shift through until you find one you like, I have a few different for different times, music or guided.

I use grounding techniques just to stop the mind going over and over, negative thoughts and worries, they help me to take control, I feel powerful with them.

Therapy is my third, again there are a few on YouTube, I know what you are saying about the therapist do not have the answers but I have had good and not so good, it is just finding the the right one and what works for you, there will be someone who will understand you and you will form a wonderful relationship, honestly.

I could not do the very difficult times on my own, making contact with a professional organisation with trained personnel that you can phone to discuss your worries was a saviour. Best wishes

[blue-green-purple in reply to bowJim]

Thank you. I have reached out to as many organizations that I could find. I am currently waiting for a call back for over a week now from one that will assess my situation supposedly. I just have to wait.

[bowJim in reply to blue-green-purple]

blue-green-purple, you are amongst friends here, we I am sure can feel your pain and difficulties and share them too, It is so fustrating trying to get help, I like you tried for a while, I just could not seemed to get them to listen, I told my GP there is something else, she said what do you think it is! At this point I felt even more dismayed, felt like laughing.

Is this real, no body understands me, round and round I go in this constant nightmare, not knowing what to do, well, I eventually paid privately (i live in the uk) so this is not something common, it was the best thing I ever done, and my journey began.

All very easy for me to say as it was not cheap and we all have a budget, but some of the private professionals will discuss you for free on the initial consultation, I tried a couple and they did not give me or I could not relate to them, then I found the person that changed my life. It was an enormous fearful step but it took the step, I built my confidence slowly talking on the phone than went for therapy. best wishes

[blue-green-purple in reply to bowJim]

Thank you, bowJim. I do feel understood here and grateful to have found this safe space. It is sad that there are so many of us in need of help and struggling to find someone to believe us. I have a medical background myself so I know the (US) system and when I am being dismissed. I found one MD who took extensive history, testing and did actually listen. He brought my case to a medical board. The conclusion was that I had multiple physical health and mental health complications and was in desperate need of serotonin. If I could tolerate meds and they actually worked that would be great. Unfortunately, that is not the case. I do what I can for myself, mostly research and try to buckle up and hold on. It can be a rough ride. I'm glad you found your life changing event. It gives me hope. Thanks for sharing and caring.

[bowJim in reply to blue-green-purple]

Thank you for sharing with me, listening to your story helps me too, It helps me to process the emotions and understanding of my own path too, Best wishes.

[Raggedy-Ann]

Hi. You are not alone in this fight. I was diagnosed with Medicative resistant chronic depression 30 years ago. I am still here fighting and staring down 55 next week. I am alone except for my three little dogs. I promised to love and care for them for the rest of their lives. I am trying to do my best. What things do you do besides sleep that give you some relief? I garden it makes me go outside and move around. It is exciting to see things I care for grow and bloom. I watch a lot of TV and movies when I have no energy. Maybe try taking your dogs for a walk around a nice park. It's hard to make that happen but good to experience a new setting, sweet fall air and light. It won't take long start with 20-30 minutes. It makes sleep feel like you deserve it. Treat yourself to a cup of tea or cider or coffee... hang in there.

[blue-green-purple in reply to Raggedy-Ann]

Thank you. I am only here for my dogs at this point. I love them but sometimes I don't even feel that. I'm in South Florida so it is still very hot & humid. Even the dogs only stay out for a few minutes before they want back into the AC. We only walk at sunset when it is a bit cooler. I can barely get out of bed only to get to the couch so tv is it for me.

[Raggedy-Ann in reply to blue-green-purple]

Hi, it's me again. I am in Colorado. It's raining today, and I am happily under the covers. I spent almost two years when I barely got out of bed. It was after a break up from an 8 year relationship. I got sick and he found someone else. My brother said I shouldn't get into a relationship because I can't handle the break up. I thought about it and he was right. At first I used most of the rooms in my house and slowly I was down to only 3, the bedroom, the bathroom, and the kitchen. I leave the living room clean incase someone comes over. I am trying to break that and yesterday I watched a movie and ate dinner in the living room. On one hand I fear agoraphobia but on the other I feel like I could fine not leaving my house. It is hard to leave but I need food, and I work 2 hours a day. I have to get out of bed, put on clothes, brush my hair and teeth. I have to drive and talk to people. I know I need to do these things. It is so hard to get out of the door but about 10 min later I am okay. I have to get out and " blow the stink off me'. Go outside, feel the breeze blow over you and the sun on your face. Do it every day, even if you just stand outside, next day a walk to the corner.... You are alive and have the unique perspective in that you can do anything now.

[blue-green-purple in reply to Raggedy-Ann]

I know that a big part of the problem is being on disability since 2005. It started with 4 close family deaths then break up with my bf of 10 yrs, he moved out, I had multiple surgeries, chronic pain and FMLA that was never supposed to be permanent. Losing my family, live in boy friend, career and dealing with physical & emotional pain was too much to handle. That really started the descent into serious MDD. I eventually became treatment resistant and that was the final straw. I went from functioning to just surviving. If I could work 2 hours a day, I would. Just to have a purpose, a reason to get up & dressed, to be around people and feel like I belong in the world. But there is always the physical pain that keeps me from working. Some days are better than others but it's not consistent or I would still be working. I worked in a level 1 trauma center which was always stimulating but very stressful. Some days I actually miss it although these days I'd much prefer something more quite and less life and death. Anyway, I didn't keep up with my licensing requirements so I don't know what I'd do even if I could work. My world got smaller and smaller very slowly. From distances I would drive to rooms in my house. I think it's great that you have work as much as you'd probably rather be at home. Even better that you're forcing yourself to use the living room. I applaud you and say keep using it. Don't let your world shrink. It's so much harder to make it full again. It's like dieting: so easy to put weight on, so difficult to lose it. Thanks for sharing. I love Colorado. Used to go skiing every winter. So much beauty there.

[Raggedy-Ann in reply to blue-green-purple]

You are so interesting. I was a pharmacy tech, one of the first, in a hospital for 8 years, part of my job was to get a pharmacy cart to any Core-0 alert. I would then assist the pharmacist as a team would try to bring back the dead. I liked the adrenaline rush. I liked the responsibilities. I loved that it took some brains to do it. I miss being that sharp. I started antidepressants in my teens but then something started and lead to something I can't speak or think about it makes me instantly cry. .........I lost my train of thought. Sweet dreams.

[blue-green-purple in reply to Raggedy-Ann]

Yes, called quite a few Codes myself. Some made it, others passed on my table. In retrospect, having MDD, I would not choose the same career path. I think it also contributed to falling down the rabbit hole. My life was/is out of balance. Don't seem to have any success in getting back to baseline or perhaps I was never at baseline to begin with. I was once diagnosed with childhood depression. That was normal for me. Never understood happy morning people. Still don't since that has never been my experience but if it is genuine, I'd like to wake up one day and be happy. That would be amazing.

[Raggedy-Ann in reply to blue-green-purple]

Hello again. I am a morning person. I am the youngest of four and we were all on the swim team. It stuck. We all like to go to bed early, and naps are a treat. I cried a lot from an early age, My siblings called me princess boo hoo. They would tease me until I cried then they made fun of me. I have a grand inferiority complex.

I worked in the hospital as I put myself through college. I wanted to join the Peace Corps. By the time I finish school to be a teacher, I was in love and working as a GED teacher in a homeless shelter for teens. I loved that job, nine years. I did good work until I fell ill. It sounds like you did good work too. Maybe giving all that love, compassion, energy and heartache left us depleted.

It's Friday, does that make you feel a bit happy? It works for me since I don't have to leave my house for the next two days. nap time.

[Mom2PCat in reply to blue-green-purple]

Raggety Ann was giving you some ideas that are very useful. I have trouble meditating, though, I just can't stop my mind and I used to read so much but I lose the story and come back to my mind. If you like to do anything even remotely crafty try diamond painting. I love to do all sorts of things but I have found that diamond painting and drawing are 2 things that I can do and lose myself in for awhile. They are quick easy, have gotten cheaper, and make great Christmas gifts. Find a hobby.

[Raggedy-Ann in reply to Mom2PCat]

Hi. I can't meditate either. I went to an 11 day silent meditation retreat. I had no problems with silence... long story short I was escorted off the property on a dirt road in November. The closest town was a good 20 miles away. I had no car, no money, no phone, no ID... interesting predicament. lol.

[CindyKatherine]

This is the most touching post I have read here. I am almost speechless but, I will leave you with this word: please keep fighting and it will be better.

Feel free to PM me anytime you want to. Be strong.

[Scarlett28]

Your posts are great expressions of your feelings. I’m so sorry you are in the rabbit hole, I know this place. The loneliness is immense for me too. I long for a dog but can’t afford the fees my apartment requires right now. I haven’t gotten much relief from therapy either other than suggestions of some good audiobooks.

I try to be grateful for something each day no matter how small it may be. Feel free to PM me anytime. Peace be with you.

[b1b1b1]

Do you think church would help you. It is a way to get out of the house and be with other people. You also might want to consider looking for a new therapist as the present one does not seem to be helping you. xx

[blue-green-purple in reply to b1b1b1]

Thank you. I started going to a new church about a month ago. It helps for the day. I hope I can keep going before the agoraphobia totally sets in. It can keep me afraid to leave the house at all.

[b1b1b1]

That is a very positive development. Keep going. Most churches have additional activities and as you become more comfortable try to participate in one (at first) and then as that becomes comfortable you can add others. Also chat with the minister (or priest) and get to know them a bit as they can also be a source of comfort and support. xx

[Nothing_but_books]

I wish there was a way to reach you as you sit alone. To bring genuine caring. Can wounded people offer help to others they can't give themselves?

I hurt your hurts. I know them intimately.

I'm sorry. For you, but also for me. For your lost family, for mine. For your sweet dogs. For my bird. For the families we dreamed in our hearts. All the forsaken hopes and dreams.

We are cogs in a machine that runs on unknowingly.

I don't know how to bring hope or healing to either of us. I only offer this response.

Here, for you to take home, to find what comfort there may be.

"And fear not lest Existence in closing your

Account, and mine, should know the like no more;

The Eternal Saki from that Bowl has pour'd

Millions of Bubbles like us, and will pour."

[blue-green-purple in reply to Nothing_but_books]

"And that inverted Bowl they call the Sky,

Whereunder crawling coop'd we live and die,

Lift not your hands to It for help — for It

As impotently moves as you or I."

"Can wounded people offer help to others they can't give themselves?"

I have read many posts on this site that have so moved me yet I was unable even to respond. We do the best we can, when we can, when we are able. Sometimes all I can do is hold those thoughts in my heart and send love.

[Mom2PCat]

I feel so much like you. I have always been content to be home and alone but it changed about 2 years ago. It just built up and I couldn't stop it. I saw it happening as I stopped visiting with family. Actually stabbed my best friend in the back without a second thought. When I tried to fix it, not that I cared that much, my entire team of coworkers went under too. I remember last December I told my therapist that I will admit for the first time in my life I am depressed and the worst part is that I didn't know how to crawl out of that well that I felt I was in. And people don't understand that sleep is a way to escape but that you need it when you have to try to be normal. It is exhausting and unbearable. I wish that I had advice to fix it but I can only tell you that you are not alone. Everyone experiences things differently but it's still all awful. Just keep waking up and post here when you need to share.

[Raggedy-Ann in reply to Mom2PCat]

I agree with trying to be normal, it is exhausting. I feel like a stranger to humanity. I cover up, hat, glasses, long sleeves, gloves with the fingers out.. I don't care if I appear odd. I don't care if people look at me. They don't get to see Me.