Four months ago I made a decision. I realized that if I stayed with my ex-wife I would undoubtedly kill myself. I had been miserable for so long and felt completely and utterly alone nearly our entire marriage.
We talked and agreed to separate. She hasn’t made it easy on me because she acts like we’re ok. Like we’re still best friends but we haven’t been in years. She doesn’t talk to me, act like she cares and remembers nothing I ever say or do.
That isn’t what I want to talk about though. She asked if I could stay until she finished nursing school and got a job. I agreed. It was better for my kids for her to have a higher income and she kept us so stretched financially I couldn’t have afforded to move out then anyway.
I can’t take it anymore.
She took her licensing exam today and has a job lined up but I’m not sure I can take being here one second longer than necessary.
We live with her mother. She is one of the most bitter, condescending, racist, evil bitches I’ve ever met in my entire life. I despise having my kids around her at all. We moved in with her to help with childcare for my son who is fully disabled. She acts like I’m the laziest and most selfish sack of shit to ever walk the planet. All we’ve ever done is steal from her and wreck her house.
I’ve spent years paying half of the bills, including the mortgage, doing countless hours of chores, yard work, errands, and basically anything both women could ever want. Maybe I didn’t do it as fast as they’d like and there are some projects that never got finished because we ran out of money and they had new ones before I could get back to the old ones... but we’ve also split the cost of upgrading the kitchen, adding an extra room, paid for a shed and helped partially furnish he basement. I’ve repainted rooms in the house numerous times but because her dogs and her spending habits fill the house with so much shit we can’t store it all it’s our fault.
She’s bipolar and refuses to admit it. She was taking antidepressants saying she was just depressed and nothing else but decided she didn’t want to anymore and for the last couple of weeks she’s been worse than ever.
I’m so alone and trapped in a house that does nothing but remind me of how alone and miserable I’ve been for years while getting yelled at and condescendingly lectured to by a woman I can’t stand up to because if she stops watching my son before my ex is through training both of us are screwed.
I start a new job Monday. I’ll make as much as I did last year working constant overtime but in 40 hours a week. I’ll see my kids more and plan to start taking better care of myself but I’m nervous. It’s officially a temporary position for 1 year within a very good company. The kind of company I could move up in and make great money some day so I’m taking a risk and going to try and impress them enough to get hired.
I’ve been hopeful about it but the last two weeks have been unbearable and I’m really having a lot of doubts and anxiety about the whole thing.
All I want is for someone who genuinely cares about me to be in my life and sit on the couch with me. I haven’t had any form of physical affection regularly in ten years and i feel like I’m losing my mind. Online dating has been a freaking waste of time for me and I haven’t had the time to do any of the more traditional ways of meeting people and I’m not sure I’d even want to because I hate the idea of meeting someone in a bar.
I’m trying to hang in here but I really don’t think I can make it much longer...