I need out of here...: Four months ago... - Anxiety and Depre...

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I need out of here...

faulhallen profile image

Four months ago I made a decision. I realized that if I stayed with my ex-wife I would undoubtedly kill myself. I had been miserable for so long and felt completely and utterly alone nearly our entire marriage.

We talked and agreed to separate. She hasn’t made it easy on me because she acts like we’re ok. Like we’re still best friends but we haven’t been in years. She doesn’t talk to me, act like she cares and remembers nothing I ever say or do.

That isn’t what I want to talk about though. She asked if I could stay until she finished nursing school and got a job. I agreed. It was better for my kids for her to have a higher income and she kept us so stretched financially I couldn’t have afforded to move out then anyway.

I can’t take it anymore.

She took her licensing exam today and has a job lined up but I’m not sure I can take being here one second longer than necessary.

We live with her mother. She is one of the most bitter, condescending, racist, evil bitches I’ve ever met in my entire life. I despise having my kids around her at all. We moved in with her to help with childcare for my son who is fully disabled. She acts like I’m the laziest and most selfish sack of shit to ever walk the planet. All we’ve ever done is steal from her and wreck her house.

I’ve spent years paying half of the bills, including the mortgage, doing countless hours of chores, yard work, errands, and basically anything both women could ever want. Maybe I didn’t do it as fast as they’d like and there are some projects that never got finished because we ran out of money and they had new ones before I could get back to the old ones... but we’ve also split the cost of upgrading the kitchen, adding an extra room, paid for a shed and helped partially furnish he basement. I’ve repainted rooms in the house numerous times but because her dogs and her spending habits fill the house with so much shit we can’t store it all it’s our fault.

She’s bipolar and refuses to admit it. She was taking antidepressants saying she was just depressed and nothing else but decided she didn’t want to anymore and for the last couple of weeks she’s been worse than ever.

I’m so alone and trapped in a house that does nothing but remind me of how alone and miserable I’ve been for years while getting yelled at and condescendingly lectured to by a woman I can’t stand up to because if she stops watching my son before my ex is through training both of us are screwed.

I start a new job Monday. I’ll make as much as I did last year working constant overtime but in 40 hours a week. I’ll see my kids more and plan to start taking better care of myself but I’m nervous. It’s officially a temporary position for 1 year within a very good company. The kind of company I could move up in and make great money some day so I’m taking a risk and going to try and impress them enough to get hired.

I’ve been hopeful about it but the last two weeks have been unbearable and I’m really having a lot of doubts and anxiety about the whole thing.

All I want is for someone who genuinely cares about me to be in my life and sit on the couch with me. I haven’t had any form of physical affection regularly in ten years and i feel like I’m losing my mind. Online dating has been a freaking waste of time for me and I haven’t had the time to do any of the more traditional ways of meeting people and I’m not sure I’d even want to because I hate the idea of meeting someone in a bar.

I’m trying to hang in here but I really don’t think I can make it much longer...

10 Replies

Wow you are going through a lot and i'm not sure I can do complete justice to your post in my answer as I'm rather weary myself after a long and busy day at my voluntary work (UK)

It does sound like this new job could be a good opportunity for you. I can relate to the feeling of just wanting someone to be there for you. I think we all need that nurturing at times but life can get so busy and so much can get in the way as you've already explained.

I hope you manage to hold on. You sound like a sensible person who is just very very tired (and also understandably nervous about Monday) but maybe in time if you get in a better financial position that could start to ease your situation a bit. This could be the "lowest (or most anxious) point" before come Monday things start to improve for you.

I hope it has helped writing on here and wishing you all the best in your new job x

Thank you. Writing on here generally helps because everyone is so supportive. I try to help more than I complain but I don’t always have time. I’m sorry to hear you’re rather weary yourself and thank you again.🙂

I'm sure having a disabled child is one of the hardest things to deal with in life. It takes a ton of your and your wife's emotional energy to deal with that. So it is understandable that you would both be depressed in that situation. If you need to get your own apartment to be healthy then you should not put that off anymore. Having a healthy parent is the most important thing to your kids in the long run. So don't feel guilty about taking care of yourself.

Feel better soon! Good luck with the new job too.

faulhallen profile image
faulhallen in reply to Eowyn7

Thank you 🙂. I try not to feel guilty for leaving but it’s hard. I had originally planned to move at the beginning of November, then it got pushed back towards December to save money up so I wouldn’t be broke when I left.... but I think early November is best for me in terms of my own health. I won’t have a lot of money for a year or more until I see what happens with my new job but I’m ok with that. Ultimately it depends on when I can save enough and find a place more than anything.

Sounds miserable. Maybe start an exercise program to relieve the stress.

faulhallen profile image
faulhallen in reply to

It has been miserable but I’ve always tried to do what was best for my kids. I was going to the gym for a while after work but I used to get off at 2 am and frequently got my daughter up for school with my ex being in school. It became too much and I had to stop going just so I could sleep. When I start my new job I plan to try and start going to the gym at least a few days a week. After training is over I should be getting off work around 1 pm and I have no interest in being home if my kids aren’t there anymore so it should work well if I can stay motivated. Thank you for the support! 🙂

faulhallen, reading your post I understand how desperate you are to get out of this situation. As unbearable as it is, you know that waiting just a little longer can provide you with the stability your family needs right now. It's not easy I understand but you have to

concentrate on one thing at a time right now. If not, you will feel more stressed by being pulled in too many directions physically and emotionally.

Good Luck with your job on Monday. That takes high priority in your list of to do's. I can't even imagine living with someone who is bipolar and not being medicated. As long as your son is safe being taken care of by your motherinlaw, then that will have to be.

You expressed a need to have someone care about you. You are starved for that one on one person who can comfort and fulfill your needs. And that will happen for you, but right

now isn't the best of time. Once you are out of that house and things settle down some, you won't make any rash decisions in meeting that special someone. Everything in time.

It will happen when the time is right. Wishing you well with your new job, your ex wife's new career in nursing and you moving on to a better future down the road.

Take care of yourself, stay strong, be patient and most of all, stay positive. :)

faulhallen profile image
faulhallen in reply to Agora1

Thank you so much. I know I shouldn’t rush into anything at the moment but I do miss it so much, especially when she’s starting on me and I have to keep reminding myself why I do it. It just doesn’t feel like as good a reason anymore because it’s been so long and I want my kids out of there to. She’s made my daughter cry a few times at least that I know of and it takes every ounce of restraint I have in those moments.

I’m trying to focus but it’s been hard. Ever since my ex mother-in-law started making threats and getting worse I haven’t been sleeping well at all. Right now I’m trying to focus on getting through my last night at my old job and still trying to decide the best way to try and switch my sleep schedule in the short time I have.

Thank you for the support. It means a lot to me 🙂

I am so sorry for what you are going through. How long have you lived with your mother in law? It sounds to me like you too haven't had a chance to be a married couple for quite awhile. also it sound like her mother has a controlling influence over her. You mentioned your wife acts like everything is ok , and you are best friends. Perhaps you should ask her if she's willing to work with you to save your marriage. If she says yes, what you need to do is move out as a FAMILY, and you and your wife find a good family and marriage counselor. They're is a great organization that can give you free counselling advise, and also refer you to professionals in your area FOTF Counseling Line 1-855-382-5433. If you find yourself in crisis, you can call the Crisis Text Line at 741741 and a professional will text you back. I will be praying for your family.

faulhallen profile image
faulhallen in reply to Jimdubu

Ok... this turned into a bit of a rant and I apologize for the tone and length...

Thank you so much for your support and kind words but I don’t really know if that’s an option anymore. If you ever want to know more about my situation there is an old post titled “How I Got Here” with something like (Warning this is long) afterwards. I don’t recall everything I said in it anymore and it’s not credited as being by me since I deleted my account and brought it back but the short explanation based on what’s happened since that original post is basically I don’t want to work it out with her.

When I met her she was amazing. If I was forced to pick one thing about her that was “wrong” it would have been her weight and honestly I didn’t care. I thought she was beautiful anyway. 3 years ago she had weight loss surgery. She’s down to half her original size and still losing weight (she put on a lot of weight from depression and having children as well). Then 2 years ago, feeling better about herself already she started nursing school.

Now I screwed up 3 years ago. I’m not going to lie I made a mistake but as far as things go it wasn’t nearly as bad as it could have been. She found out and forgave me but whether she meant to or not she became even colder and more distant than before and that’s truly saying something.

Anyway, the point is she made all of these friends at nursing school and I was happy for her. She was really lonely before but she started going out with them all the time. She would blow off what little time she could spend with me and the kids to go hang out with them. Some of that is fine and I’m ok with.

It kept getting worse. She kept going out more and more often and especially since we’ve separated she’s been out almost constantly between school, study groups, parties/celebrations and dates. She has kissed at least 4 guys that I know of and I do not believe her at all when she swears she hasn’t done more than that because I don’t trust her anymore. I’ve trusted her less and less every year because she lies so casually to her mother and then gets offended when I question whether she’s lying to me.

Ultimately, she’s become a self-absorbed bitch. She was always a bit self-centered but I wrote it off as being an only child and admittedly spoiled. For example, she celebrated finishing nursing school with three separate trips in one week.

Her excuse is that she is trying to get away from her mother but it started BEFORE she had a problem with her mom and is doing so at the expense of me and our kids who are stuck at home with her mother. Honestly if I thought I’d win, I’d take her to court and take the kids away from her. She expects me to be comfortable having her boyfriend babysit for us in coming weeks and suggested the idea less than 12 hours after they finally became “serious” whatever hat means to her 🙄.

Please keep in mind that this was three days after she came to me in tears asking if we could work it out and convinced me to possibly give her a chance. Which she blew.

She doesn’t talk to me, she doesn’t remember anything I say or do, she makes me repeat everything a dozen times, she doesn’t want me around and while she’d literally hit me for saying so (because she has hit me before when I’ve made comments she doesn’t like or insulted myself) she barely acts like she wants to be around our kids anymore. She takes our daughter out to have fun but that’s it. They’ll go have a fun day and then bam. It’s back to ignoring everyone.

Why should I fight to stay with someone who doesn’t want me around? Who doesn’t talk to me and the ONLY affection I could expect is 1-2 pecks on the lips every day? I am a very sexual person and let’s just say I can count our yearly average on one hand (from the instant she started getting morning sickness with our ten year old)

I’m not trying to be an ass, I truly do appreciate your support and trust me if things were any different I would... but she would rather go out drinking with her 20-something friends and let her boyfriend fawn over her and buy her shit (like Justin Timberlake tickets... not lying) then spend an ounce of time with me.

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