I MUST let this out, I need Encouragement, I NEED to hear something POSITIVE

[UnderstandingMyPain]

Those who have read my previous post know I am currently going through a divorce. I was married to a man who is very unemotionally unavailable. I DID EVERYTHING down to paying all the bills for years, taking care of the kids regarding every aspect of their lives and still doing it. I requested primary physical custody and joint legal he wants full and legal custody with me have reasonable parenting time. Dealing with a man that has always been selfish it didn’t surprise me but it hurt. So as of know we are currently doing an interim child custody 50/50. We alternate weeks, Sunday morning to Sunday morning. This is his second week with them and so far he has taken the kids late to school multiple times, he has not taken my daughter to her extra help math class in the morning at 7:30am, has not done her hair correctly, I had to go everyday this week in the morning before work to do her hair. Because she told me the kids are making fun of her hair. He doesn’t do homework with them. I have a school app that tells me if my son misses an assignment. He has missed 6 home assignments so far....I tried to talk to him about it he doesn’t want to talk to me. I live in a four bedroom house. My 9 year daughter and 13 year old son have their own room with furniture. They have beds, TVs clothes and toys. At his one bedroom apartment he has noooooo furniture at all. They share the one bedroom while he sleeps out in the living room on a air mattress. Both kids have their own air mattresses....Some days he works from 4pm-12am and he drops the kids off to his mother and then around 12:30am he gets them brings them back to the Apartment they take a shower then go to sleep. I have proof of everything such as school attendance and emails from teachers and pictures of me doing her hair at school and pictures of her hair before I do her hair at school. I even tried to talk to him if he could allow me to talk to them at least one time for a few mins and he said no. I brought both of them cell phones that they can text me or call, and he took it away. It BReAKS my heart to know they have to suffer academically and emotionally bc of their fathers pride. I worry about their well being. It also hurts that I have to prove I’m a better parent when for 13 years I’ve been nothing but a good mother. It’s frustrating I am trying to stay hopeful bc I know any court in their right mind will see I should have primary custody. I do believe they need to be Aron d their father but I believe during the week he can’t handle it. I think the weekends would be good. I’m tired emotionally with this man bc innocent children are involved. Oh hears another kicker IF the Judge agrees to the 50/50 since I make more money than him I would have to pay him child support. Pleaseeeeee everyone keep me in your thoughts and help me keep it together for them. Let me know patience and know I will be okay!!!

[NeuronerdDoaty]

Here’s the deal. Right now he’s counterparenting not coparenting. You did such a good job he never learned the details. I did the same to my ex.

Instead of getting mad the best thing to do is sit down with a mediator if necessary, flash that fake but beautiful smile, bring his parents in too, and say ‘I know you’re in a learning curve and I know it’s hard. Let’s work out a different way until you get the hang of this single parent thing.’

The only thing that matters is your kids.

I once took my kids to their dads and turned around and left. I called a maid service. I told him when they were done I’d bring the kids back. I had to tell him lunch was peanut butter and jelly, not Big Macs.

When we do them the disservice of being fantastic moms they’re lost. Your kids will survive and these things become funny stories when they grow up. Your daughter can even tell him now how bad she’s going to pick on him after he gets it together.

I suggest you bring up a slower pace, use Grandma, and smile a lot to teach him what to do. When they’re teens you’re going to need this type of relationship.

As for the school work, have the school counselor make an appointment with him. You can stay out of that. I promise your kids will survive as long as your attitude remains ‘give dad time to learn’.

My kids ate a lot of Cheerios but by the teen years he could braid hair better than me and made homemade soups. We have to give them room and encouragement for them to step up. Get grandma on your side.

Dudes are slow but not stupid. He will want his kids looking good and succeeding. Don’t get in his way. Talk him up.

Always remember those babies are half him. And , his learning now is laughs later as a family whether your together or not.

[UnderstandingMyPain in reply to NeuronerdDoaty]

I tried meditation and he would not talk. He even shows up an hour late. His mother wants nothing to do with me. Your story sounds ideal. I even asked him how can I help, I have suggestions and his words exactly was, I don’t need your help I can do this. He is convinced he is a better parent. I have tried multiple times to talk to his mother and it was a no go. I am dealing with a women that told a mutual friend of ours, she will do everything in her power to “get rid of me.” Since my kids aren’t used to being around him alone they aren’t comfortable as yet to speak up to him. The school has tried multiple times to contact him and he won’t return their phone calls. I have three emails to me from teachers stating that. So I shared it with him and asked how can we both come up with a better plan to help the kids nothing. I am dealing with a narcissistic person who really doesn’t want the kids but wants to “win” that’s how he sees it in his eyes.

[UnderstandingMyPain in reply to UnderstandingMyPain]

Not have suggestions but asked him does he have suggestions typo

[UnderstandingMyPain in reply to NeuronerdDoaty]

Also I know that you wouldn’t know this and this is important. I am dealing with a mother who is extremely controlling. She has a daughter who is 43 no college degree living in her basement and does not work. My children’s father is 42.

[UnderstandingMyPain in reply to NeuronerdDoaty]

Also I am dealing with a man who lies a lot he has told me he used to be a photographer for Tyra Banks and now he is a police officer soooooo I’m not sure if I am getting anywhere with him. Both are not true. My struggle is being level headed and not let stress get the best of me. I want to be sane for my children. They are the most important piece to this. They mean more to me than anything. I want to know when they are in his care they are being taken care for.

[NeuronerdDoaty in reply to UnderstandingMyPain]

This is awful for your kids.

Counterparenting is detrimental but can be overcome. Stay above it so you look like an angel. Talk to the school yourself. Stay close to teachers. This is hard work for you. My words were often ‘you will have to learn to deal with your dads personality just like you do mine’.

This won’t last forever but it’s exhausting.

I’d document everything so you can make this easier on yourself. CPS will work with you. Make sure you have no bitterness. You’re an angel to look up to by the petty people. A grandma like that is not necessary for a child’s wellbeing.

[UnderstandingMyPain in reply to NeuronerdDoaty]

Already have and I actually used to work with CPS for three years! So I got ya!

[All_alone]

Your in my thoughts and I wish patience and strength for you.

[UnderstandingMyPain in reply to All_alone]

Thanks All_alone!! It’s greatly appreciated!!! 💜 more than you know!

[All_alone in reply to UnderstandingMyPain]

Your very welcome. Your post touched me. I do not have children and I'm widowed so I don't even know what to say except to wish you strength. We are all going through different/difficult situations but it is always good for me to know others are here to listen and support. ❤

[UnderstandingMyPain in reply to All_alone]

I appreciate your compassion!!!! Hugs to you as well!!! 💜 I’m here for you too

[All_alone in reply to UnderstandingMyPain]

❤❤