Wondering about my therapist and just need to get stuff out

[Starrlight]

She’s the best therapist I’ve ever had. She has helped me tremendously in my healing and becoming a stronger person.

But yesterday she let me down. I called and I was in great need and she said she can’t talk to me like this (I guess without an appointment) but said she’d check on me later and she did not. It’s ok for her to cancel constantly but not okay that I needed to talk on a Tuesday and not a Thursday. She asked me if I was suicidal or if I have been drinking lately or needed to go to a crisis care center I felt like she was judging me the way she spoke to me. She sounded cold. I have an appointment Thursday but I think I’d rather not talk with her.

I don’t know. I feel like she’s not the person I thought she was. Like all the nice things she says is just her script. Now I’m worried that i have no therapist I can really talk to.

Just needed to get these thoughts out. I’m trying my best to have a good day today and after this post and anyone’s ideas on this to not think about her anymore. I’ll try to let it go and do my thing. I’ll do exactly what I want today. I’ll listen to music and wrap presents. I’ll have fun with my kids. I’ll just be.

Thanks for listening.

[samack]

It is important that you tell her how you feel. Thats part of the therapy. I can give uou a professional answer but your feelings are so important. Please do not take someone else's answer to replace doing this. BTW many of us have experienced this....you're not alone..

[Starrlight in reply to samack]

Thank you so much. You help me feel better. It just hurt. But I took a barefoot grounding walk for 20 minutes so I’m feeling better.

[Hidden]

Hi, Starrlight. 💗

I would keep your appointment and tell the therapist exactly what you have shared with us. She needs to know how you feel and you need to hear her explanation. Just my very humble opinion, of course.

Listening to music and wrapping gifts sounds so nice.

[Starrlight in reply to Hidden]

Yeah sounds about right thanks Snowdaze!

[Hidden in reply to Starrlight]

💗✨

[fauxartist]

I'm sorry you were in crisis, and it's a good idea to get more resources for those situations, my friend. Shrinks are just people too, and a big part of their job description is to disassociate work life from personal time. Meaning that they have to remain professional and separate work from time off, otherwise they are never off the clock. The questions she or he asked you were the standard script they are supposed to ask in order to do a quick crisis assessment, it's not judgement for sure. I'd go to your appointment and tell her how you felt you were let down so they can clarify their position on emergency calls.

[Starrlight in reply to fauxartist]

Makes sense thanks Fauxartist

[b1b1b1]

In my experience psychiatrists know how to display a sense of true caring and warmth toward each patient. I think this is part of their professional persona. If they didn't appear warm and caring they would have a hard time getting patients. The reality is, however, that they are doctors with schedules and lots of other patients as well as their own concerns. This often becomes apparent when you call them at a time other than your scheduled appointment. They then appear colder and rushed and far less caring and just quickly tick off the emergency boxes.

This is painful to feel, but the reality is that it is basically and almost entirely a professional relationship. When one comes up against this for the first time it can be very upsetting.

If she has helped you a lot maybe tell her how you felt and give her another chance. x

[Starrlight in reply to b1b1b1]

Thanks so that makes sense I feel better now!

[hypercat54 in reply to Starrlight]

Funny enough I was speaking to my sister about this a few days ago. She has trained to be a professional counsellor and is now ready to take on her clients on her own.

I asked her what would happen under these exact same circumstances and her more experienced colleagues said do the exact same things as yours said.

Faux is right they have a very busy life and can't be available 24/7 as they would have no private life of their own to recharge their batteries. Apparently what you did is common which isn't to mean you were wrong or anything but it doesn't mean they don't care. It's just that it is a professional arrangement and the only way a therapist can help you is to stay emotionally detached.

[Starrlight in reply to hypercat54]

Yeah true ..I get that ... but she shouldn’t have told me she would call back to check on me if she wasn’t going to. But she is busy maybe she forgot whatever it’s fine.

[b1b1b1 in reply to Starrlight]

I'm glad. The first time something similar happened to me I remember how shocked I was.

[jackiesj in reply to b1b1b1]

maybe ask her next time this happens...does she have a problem she needs to talk about because she isnt really there at the time.Docs have issues too....

[secrets22]

its a tricky one,i began to become far to reliant on my phycologist and began to think she was a friend,but of course she is not a friend but she is a professional therapist,and its a fine line they have to tread.they must not become a friend as ethically they cannot.I began to get impatient to see her as if my life depended on it,but they are busy people and have many other people to see .

I deliberately have reduced my meetings to once a month now instead of once a week as i cannot lean on her forever,and in the scheme of things i have become stronger by reducing the meetings.

i have been having counciling on and off for years,and on reflection i really should have tried to help myself more ,and i am coping far better than i ever thought i could.

[Starrlight in reply to secrets22]

Thanks for sharing your experiences. Maybe I stepped across a boundary by calling her when it was not a set meeting time. Oh well. Now I know I can’t do that unless I need her help in a crisis which I did not need.

[Poodie]

Hi Starlight

It’s been a long time. I have only been on occasionally.

I am glade you feel better even though this encounter with your therapist felt so hurtfulI and disappointing. I don’t know how badly you were feeling when you called her. I read a prior poem you recently posted and wondered if that was an indication. I felt concerned,

On Thursday, when you see her after telling her how badly you felt by her response, you can better decide. It takes time to know people. See if she apologizes. I wondered if she had a personal crises.

However, she should always carry through with a call later if she said she would call you. See if you get an apology. The following are some ideas, no need to answer unless you want to. Did she mean she could not talk to you “like this” because she felt she should see you in person? Are there constraints to how often she sees you such as agency or Insurance issues?

While in crises would you have felt better if she indicated that she checked her schedule and said she had nothing available? Was she ill ? Would you have wanted to see a colleague of hers if she could not see you? Did she offer this option to you?

I guess she might have felt it would be better for you to be able to wait until your regular app’t time but you needed to know what her thinking was and is, so do ask. Therapy requires honest communication on both sides. Never hold back asking your questions and expecting caring, helpful responses. The focus is you and your needs

Sure, therapists are human , but they should be humble enough to learn from their patients and grow also. We all need to be dependent sometimes and have our needs met before becoming more independent from a parent or therapist. It is all about growing within the relationship. So straight out communicate and get your needs met in a reasonable way.

I am speaking from both the professional and patient side.

I have met awful therapists who were so bad they are no longer practicing, and mediocre ones who maybe don’t have enough experience yet did care and had the ability and willingness to grow. I have been lucky to have met a very good therapist. That is why I learned to expect very good. Was he perfect, never off ? Of course not, but he listened, he understood, and we both evolved.

You have managed to cope with your hurt and disappointment in a healthy way instead of dwelling on it now. That is important and admirable strength you possess. You have a wonderful support system here on h u and you use it so well. It is all good advice for you to consider.

There are also some groups on h u that cover psychotherapists. Some very good therapists are on that site who write in anonymously giving their thoughts and opinions. It might be worth joining if you have not done so.

In therapy there are always expectations on both sides. It is not in my opinion unreasonable for you to have expected her to react differently but it is always a good idea to talk to her and find out what is going on.

Best wishes to you. ❤️

[Starrlight in reply to Poodie]

I soooooo appreciate your support and kind words. I’m having such an off day and so much going on right now that I’m not even caring about the whole therapist thing anymore... my youngest son needed me for help with his online school and navigating the computer is not a strength of mine but we got it yet I’m left stressed and wonder when I can get time to myself. I went on a grounding walk this morning with no shoes on with my dog around the neighborhood for 20 minutes. It helped but right now I’m too exhausted to do it again. I am so stressed about a couple of things and just trying to get my perspective to a better place. I’m doing a long fast. I think that will help.

[Poodie in reply to Starrlight]

I hope whatever you try will help you.

I know what you mean about computers and lack of skills. I feel frustrated every day with all the junk I get on line. I signed up for a security system and can’t even understand how to set it up. Neither can my husband. Soon when I have less other things to do I will have to ask some kind person in the security system itself to help me. I usually start off with, Please just assume I know nothing and tell me exactly to the basic, minutest detail how to do set up this system.

I know you have young kiddos but are you able to watch a movie ? They often take me out of the present.

And I could use a fast to lose the weight I have gained. Are I hear about intermittent fasting one or two days a week being god.

Life is just very hard sometimes. I will be thinking of you soldering along.

[newbie1956]

Dear Starrlight,

There's only ONE who understands your innermost feelings; your heart, brain, motivation or lack of...Trust Him.

Agape

[melbrown]

Sending you warm, safe hugs. I know it can be hard, like you & others I've had the same experience with my therapist. My therapist has forgotten to call to check when she said she would... very apologic when we do speak next. And I know right now their work loads are heavier & this time of year is tough on many. It's no excuse & I'm sure she didn't mean to come off cold. Definitely talk to her about it tomorrow, express you concerns. I'm able to contact my therapist without an appointment. She tells me often I can send her an email or call, if needed. She usually calls me when she has time or atheist emails me asking if I need a call. It's normally brief, 10 minutes, but sometimes that's what you need. We are here for you Starrlight... proud of you for reaching out. More hugs & loves.

[Starrlight in reply to melbrown]

I’m so embarrassed. I was going to delete this thread but I changed my mind after reading your post. Thanks for your understanding. I have a feeling I won’t feel like talking to my therapist tomorrow. It’s too much. Now I just want to be left alone by her and not talk about the incident. I wish I could wish it away. I don’t even think she cares wether or not we speak or not.

[Bb62714]

I am sorry for what you're going through. It sounds like you had a lot going on and really needed to be heard by your therapist. I experienced a similar situation and can relate. I felt my therapist was too harsh on me and dealt with me in a way that didn't work for me. (Our personalities weren't a perfect match either) I was in a treatment center at the time and new just changing therapists wasn't going to happen as that is almost never done. With that in mind is spoke directly with my therapist and told her how I felt. She validated my feelings, explained why it was necessary and why she responded in that manner, and then we came up with a better approach moving forward. It was really hard for me in the moment, I felt abandoned and hurt by my therapist someone I thought I can trust. But after I had a conversation with her I felt a lot better. I understood why she reacted that way and then we planned for the future.

I don't have a clear picture of what happened as I was not there. However, therapist try to keep the relationship and talking time limited to the time they meet with client. This maintains a professional boundary. The reasons she probably asked if you were suicidal or in a crisis requiring acute care was so that she can guide you to immediate help if that's what was needed and scheduled for a time she was available. I know some therapists are more lenient and don't mind talking/texting when their client needs more support while others really try to stick to that boundary very rigidly. I have had therapists that were more lenient than others. My current therapist would not respond to anything other than scheduling unless absolutely necessary and even so would be a brief sentence.

Maybe talk to her, could be that will help. If you still feel violated then maybe it's time to find a new therapist.

[Starrlight in reply to Bb62714]

Thank you it’s really helpful to hear what you’ve been through. Im too tired to deal with this situation. I don’t want to even answer the phone when she calls.

[Bb62714 in reply to Starrlight]

That's ok. Taking time to feel the feelings and pain is ok. Whenever you're ready you can reach out to her again.

[primrose81]

Please don’t punish yourself Starrlight by barefoot walking and fasting - it was very unprofessional for your therapist to treat you like this. Hope you get it all sorted out and that you can tell her how let down and upset it left you feeling x

[Starrlight in reply to primrose81]

Thank you fir caring. I think there’s misunderstanding I like the feeling of grass on my feet. And no one makes me fast I choose to fast.

[primrose81 in reply to Starrlight]

Sorry I didn’t mean to sound judgmental, I just was worried about you and yes I used to love to feel the grass beneath my feet, just wish I could do it now! You know what is best for you. I only said that as I am an expert at beating myself up and was concerned about you.