i need help

[hunbunny]

hi i know i haven’t been on for some time and thats only because things were going great, thanks to the advice i got from some of you, but right now I’m not in a good place mentally, i haven’t been for like three or so days. I keep crying and crying, I’ve been in my room all day, hardly eating. Just hating on myself, and i want to relapse so bad. I haven’t self harmed for over a year, I’m not sure how long its been. But right now i just want to die and i know thats not something to say lightly but I can’t right now with life, i don’t know what to do. I hate myself.

[Hidden]

Hello. Life has ups and downs and it's okay to feel unwell sometimes. One struggling with depression can experiences changes in mood that are not this individual's choice. Allow yourself to cry, there's no need to blame and judge yourself for it. What thoughts could cause these feelings you have now? Was there any event that upset you?

[hunbunny in reply to Hidden]

Well it started after my boyfriend wanted to get sexual, i wasn’t in the mood so we just went to bed. He didn’t seem upset or anything like that, nor did he try to push me to do anything. But every time he’s in the mood and I’m not i get upset because i feel bad for not doing stuff. Even though he’s completely okay with not doing anything. He never gets upset with me or anything like that. He’s so sweet to me. I just feel rude? I don’t know how to explain it i just get upset and feel like he’s probably sad that we’re not doing anything. But i was upset with myself and from there i just started slowly spiraling. Any small inconvenience throws me off and makes me cry.

[Hidden in reply to hunbunny]

You aren't rude, it's okay to have no desire. If you think, he is probably sad, question him. It's maybe a negative thought pattern, which name is “mind reading”, when one tries to understand another person, but not in a right way. The best way to know what another person feels and thinks is question them. Share with him all your thoughts even if you're unsure he will understand.

I feel sometimes that problems in relationships can knock me out from my way. So the first thing I'd do is solving this problem. Unsolved trouble may triggers for a long time. I felt a bit lower than usual just because of feeling guilty for my friend. I repeated to myself: “It wasn't correct, it's wasn't good, I got upset him…” Then, I said him “Forgive me for <things I said you before>, I was wrong”. He says, it's alright. Since I feel better just because of saying “forgive me”. So it's important to share your thoughts with others.

[hunbunny in reply to Hidden]

Thank you I appreciate the advice a lot, but i find it a little hard to express my emotions or explain how i feel to those around me that i love. I feel bad and stupid for taking up time. I also don’t like telling him (my boyfriend) things because he’s so sensitive, i hate making him sad and its all because I’m not feeling good. Its the last thing i want, is to hurt loved ones with the truth that I’m not okay. He just cares for me so much, he’s cried before when i told him about things that happened to me in the past. I don’t want him to feel my pain, i just want him to understand. Which is so hard. Sometimes i just wish he never fell in love with me, and that he’d run off with someone he deserves, someone just as special as him. Im unworthy.

[Hidden in reply to hunbunny]

I felt this way too, my ex was sensitive too and it was hard to share feelings with them. It's a reason why I am here…

Whether you are, you are worthy. You hadn't chosen to suffer/to be depressed, had you?

Btw, it's great to have you here. One has to have power and will to feel better for being here. I'm proud of you, because you share thoughts and feelings with me, with us, regardless having trouble to express emotions.

[hunbunny in reply to Hidden]

Thank you, your words mean a lot. Do you have any advice on trying to get out of this cycle of “sadness” or staying away from it? Someone on here had told me the more you think about it the more it bothers you (in other words) and it helped for a while, but not enough. Its hard not to think of things, especially in these times when we have to stay inside, not much to do. Only time to think.

[Hidden in reply to hunbunny]

Cognitive therapy. Usually I recommend a book “Feeling good: New mood therapy” by D. Burns. You can try it too.

I sometimes feel this cycle of sadness, which you mentioned. Today I was dissatisfied and upset by some little events. They weren't deserve so much attention, but I couldn't stop think about them. These are some ways that help me in such a case:

1. Journaling thoughts. You write down your negative thoughts and replace them with positive ones. It's one of instruments of the book I mentioned.

2. I can say: “The thing doesn't deserve my attention. I'm stronger than these thoughts. I wisely choose to stay calm”.

3. (Looks strange) Imagine your feeling/thought in your hands. It might be a paper ball or any other useless item. If it is a paper ball, you can imagine: the ball slowly burns in your hands (but not hurts you), and the wind carries away the ashes. If it's a paper airplane, you can throw it to she sky and watch how it flies farther and farther, so you already barely see it. Or you can imagine this scenario: you are on the sea shore, you write down your thought on a piece of paper, and the sea wave takes the paper away from you. You can invent any scenario that will suit you and your needs well. Try to imagine as many details as you can. It can helps to let go pushy thoughts.

4. I can give myself a hug or any other caress. If it hurts you, don't do this.

[hunbunny in reply to Hidden]

Thank you so much for the advice!

[Poodie in reply to hunbunny]

Some afterthoughts.... BTW Your boyfriend sounds nice. You deserve to be loved and he deserves the right to love you. Perhaps if he knew you were trying to take care of yourself and using some tools on your own, like this site and reading about cbt , he may feel better and less sad.

He doesn’t want you to be sad; you don’t want him to feel sad. Sounds like a win-win. You both care.

Plus sad is part of life. We all need to tolerate sad and have confidence we will not fall completely apart. ❤️

[hunbunny in reply to Poodie]

Thank you Poodie, that means a lot. Definitely needed to hear it. ❤️ :”))

[Hidden]

What are the reasons you have reverted back to your old ways ?

BOB

[hunbunny in reply to Hidden]

I don’t really know, i mean something happened that triggered the spiraling into “sadness”, but i couldn’t tell you why what was helping me suddenly stopped. I wish it hadn’t.

[Hidden in reply to hunbunny]

Sometimes we can overthink things like this virus. We just need to move on and consifer the best safe ways of living our life if that is your problem move on. When you can look at the numbers of people who are recovered to those who loose their lives the chances of things happening to you with a negative thought in slight, So try and follow all the rules give and we will eventually move on when this clear

BOB

[hunbunny in reply to Hidden]

Thank you!

[Poodie]

Hi hunbunny.

I have been thinking of you and was wondering how

you were doing. I just saw your post. I added the positive well being site to my feeds as a way of trying to uplift my mood. You may want to join that also. This isolation is hard.

So sorry I did not see your post sooner. I was glad to see that you got such good responses. I hope you are feeling better.

I still sometimes assume I know what my husband is thinking and probably half the time I am wrong. I grew up feeling guilty so even though I am better, I still have to remind myself that I have that tendency.

When I forget my ingrained tendencies is when they can spiral out of control. It is an ongoing battle sometimes.

I am so glad you posted.

Communication is the key to a good relationship so talk to your bf. Please give yourself a break i e be kinder to yourself and try to move your thoughts onward to something else. Cog. Behav Therapy is good, so talk to yourself too. Take care. And remember to eat !!

❤️

[hunbunny in reply to Poodie]

Hi Poodie!!

I was actually waiting for your response, and I’m glad i have it now

Thank you once again for the advice, take care! ❤️