My name is Alleena. I'm 26 years old and I have 4 children. 6 year old Andrew. 4 year old Benjamin. 1 (almost 2) year old Cheyanne and just turned 1 Dixie. I am married for 5 years. I suffer from depression, anxiety and skin picking. Like to the point I want to wear long sleeved shirt when I go out in public. My husband works alot and nights (12 hrs) and during the day he sleeps. So I am running errands alone with 4 kids. Taking them to their doctors or wherever. It's overwhelming and I break down in tears bc it's alot to handle. Lately, I haven't been wanting to do anything but stay at home. .I barely feel like wanting to cook..I do anyways because I know they have to eat and my husband needs to eat and make sure he has a lunch packed for work. I went to the doctor today and I asked about my prescription. I'm on 100mg Zoloft. I felt like it's not working anymore. I never feel good and I don't go to sleep until 4 or 5 am. Turn around and 8 am up with the kids. She had asked me if I have help with the kids. Family, friends, etc. I don't. Most of my friends have their own kids and busy with their lives and I don't want to bother anyone. My in-laws...that's a whole different story. They never ask to keep the kids. They always want me to bring them for visits. Which is fine, but I still run my butt off at their house. My mom...she's in her own world with her own problems and she never asks to keep the kids either and I will take the kids for visits to. Which turns out a nightmare because she loves to hype them up on candy and send them home with me. Which I understand, she's grandma. But it makes everything 100 times harder for me. Not only are they hyper afterwards but they start acting mean towards me because they think they can get away with it. My life is literally turned upside down at this point and I just don't know what to do anymore. Im thinking if I reach out to someone it will help me. Someone outside of the family looking in. I try to talk to my husband but he doesn't quite understand how I feel. He thinks my life is easy because of being a stay at home mom. Which I honestly do love my kids but I am a dental assistant and I miss work now. I also tried going to school for dental hygiene but doing only online classes is quite difficult. Ever since my daughter Cheyanne was born...she was born early 32 weeks and weighed 4 lbs. She was diagnosed with Pierre Robin sequence and had a cleft palate on the inside. We spent 6 months in the hospital with her. I was so depressed because I almost lost my child. I never want to have that feeling again because it was so hard. It took everything inside me to stay strong for my two boys. They still needed me. Soon after everything I had also found out I was pregnant again. I was scheduled for a tubal ligation, however, my surgery was scheduled the same day as my daughter and at a different hospital. So I put that off because she was more important. Then 9 months later. Dixie was also born at 32 weeks. After being on hospital bed rest two weeks. She weighed 2 lbs and it brought me back to cheyannes birth and everything that was wrong with her. My heart was so heavy and I was so scared. Luckily she was absolutely perfect...she was just small! 2 months later, she was released and I thought my life would be perfect now. Instead, I am more depressed than I ever have been.
I'm sorry for this long story...it's actually not even all of my background and problems going on. But maybe a little background will help understand why I could be feeling this way.