I need a friend now more than ever...

[Angelfox2002]

Is there anyone who just wants to chat? I need to talk to someone who’s been through the ups and downs of life but within the scope of reality, still remains positive for the most part. Someone to listen to me and tell me that I’m going to be fine and kids all have their own battles to fight, my kids battles are ant hills compared to most! I’m a single mom living in my “boyfriends” house (a constant reminder) and I spend most of my time alone in tears. Not because I’m so depressed I’ve isolated myself (yet) but because I’ve never lived anywhere for long enough to form actual true and lasting friendships that evolve over a lifetime! (I’m approx 40) I can honestly say that my lack of solid friends has been a big contribution to my stability issues that I can’t see ever being cured. I will never have a social circle to call “my girls“ or go out weekly for “girls night” because it’s not in my personality to be on time and prepared for events and appointments that aren’t business related; since I’ve had kids and only a few friends who have long ago vanished into the world of no responsibilities. I’m a scatter brained mom and I’m starting to think this house is doing it to me... like “The Hill House” (Netflix series much like I feel sometimes)... I let go of my independence and moved into a man who’s never had children’s house, and gave him an instant family that he wasn’t ready for (2 teenage sons who show me how much they love me more than my boyfriend will ever know how to show anyone love!) I am going through enormous struggles right now and I need to start reaching out in every way possible until I form a network of people that I can truly call friends and believe in enough to give them my time! I’m the most loving, giving and compassionate person you’ll likely ever meet, but my guard is high and I know that’s when I’m at my weakest so please forgive me if I seem complacent, I’m just scared! Work defines me and I don’t even have that right now, if only to help find work, I need to get out of my shell again and socialize in some way!

[Anxiousdude]

It is good that you are reaching out. I’m willing to bet a lot of us on this site isolate ourselves.

[Hidden]

Stay strong darling. We're rooting for you. Feel free to pm me if you need a more private place to vent or just talk. I check pretty frequently, but may not reply instantly because I don't always have this open. I will reply though! Hugs!

[Hidden]

Your expression of your feeling are felt. I know somewhere in you there is light. If you wish to chat or even message me, feel free to do so. I will reply as soon as I can. So please excuse if there is a delay. Stay strong 😊

[Clue]

Hey Angelfox. I can totally relate to what your going through I'm currently still married 29 yrs but I feel so alone. It's been this way for at least 10 yrs. I have been depressed and have anxiety for at least 15 of those years. On meds and see a therapist. I have 2 grown boys.they still r home but have a life of their own now. I get how your friendships dwindled and with time you became secluded and antisocial. I did as well. My house is killing me 2. Everyday that i open my eyes to a new one i do thank God but i pray fir a different outcome and not the same days over and over again. I feel like I'm just waiting for my life to be over. I'm only 53 but my situation here is complicated i cannot leave. So maybe you and i can talk privately and become friends it seems we have alot in common. I wish you love and peace if mind.

[Angelfox2002 in reply to Clue]

Thank you for your sincerity, I will definitely PM you, I fell asleep after posting this, tears to exhaustion... now I’m wide awake at 4am knowing I can’t go back to sleep or I’ll sleep through the alarm and miss everything I have to do this morning. I’m having a hard time looking at this bright screen with a crying hangover! i feel like it’s all just too much and my head is gonna explode, too complicated and scary to say the least; especially when it comes to raising kids! We all “moved to this town so our kids could get a good education” it echos in my head as these same a$$holes ruin it for everyone, letting their kids act wild - unfortunately I fit into the lower class, because I am a single mom with a boyfriend who makes good money and owns a beautiful home but none of it is even partially mine, things are never as they seem from the outside looking in! I carry myself with confidence and compassion but right now I’m hurting financially, mentally and for my kids so much I want to go to war instead of watching them fight on the front lines of wealth discrimination!

[Ripley7]

Dang- we are practically in the same exact boat. I definitely feel ya, girl.

In 2013, my narcissistic bully of a husband of 9 years had left me and our 2 small children for someone he’d being seeing on the side.

We’d been moving from family member to family member for about a year, having left our hometown because I couldn’t stand the idea of living near the ex and his new wifey who were practically prancing around right under our noses.

Meanwhile the ex and his wife immediately started making babies (odd since he doesn’t even pay attention to the infant daughter and toddler son he already had).

The kids and I are currently living with my boyfriend of about 3 & 1/2 years. We’d moved in together rather quickly in the beginning. I had lost my job at the bank because I couldn’t regularly make the weekly sales quota they enforced. Suddenly I was about to lose the apartment the kids and I lived in- I couldn’t find another job quick enough to keep up with rent. He was going through a divorce and temporarily living with his cousin.

So he and I along with my two young children ended up moving into a little trailer together.

(My bf has no kids).

Then I went back to school full time to get a degree and was working at the tech school as a work study.

He eventually decided to buy a house closer to his job so the kids and I went along with him. I kind of wish I’d stayed at the trailer though, despite it being a crap hole. I feel like my independence had slipped even further away.

So now, similar to what you mentioned, I’m completely dependent on him for a home. I have a car that’s paid for but it’s about to fall apart. I’d found only a part time job at a little seafood restaurant nearby. Seems a degree and a couple of diplomas didn’t do me much good.

My bf is great but he struggles with depression as well and self medicated with alcohol on the weekends. I’d venture to say he’s a functioning alcoholic.

Despite that he’s great with the kids and they absolutely love him to pieces.

I too feel like I’m stuck in my life. I struggle with depression and anxiety and it just gets worse and worse. I’ve always been super shy so I’m not really good at socializing- and since I’ve had my kids I’ve just kept my focus on theirs and my life.

But I’m started to get counseling and I occasionally vent to my bf or my older sister. So hopefully I can beat or at least learn to manage my depression and anxiety so I can get back on my feet.

You are totally welcome to vent to me anytime.

Can’t say I’ll have all the answers, but from my experience it’s nice to just have someone to listen to you while you get things off your chest from time to time. I don’t always have this app open so I might not see a message right away but I will definitely respond.

Just know that you can absolutely get through this. Some days might be worse or better than others. But just try to take it one day at a time. Hell, even one hour at a time if it comes to that. If not for yourself then do it for your kids. You did really good by reaching out, though. It’s not easy to do that when depression holds you down so you should give yourself a mental hug for that big step.

I’m rooting for ya, girl! ❤️☺️👍

[Angelfox2002 in reply to Ripley7]

Thank you, I will thank everyone in an individual message but for now I just want to say I pray I have the strength to make it out of this... I’ve always been the 1st to accept and learn from my mistakes; staying positive to keep it moving forward.... but this one seems impossible!!! Narcissism is THE WORST personality disorder that any significant other could find themselves in a relationship with, when it’s already too late and you live in his house with no means to move except begging and bartering for a security deposit! I’m astonished that I didn’t know narcissism until I was 40 years old in love with the worst kind of all! I’m so disappointed in myself I have a hard time feeling worthy of anything better! I believe when they say that Regret is the worst emotion there is because it takes all of the bad emotions there are and ties them into one big one that we beat ourselves with over and over again! I’ve survived a lot but this one is the king of all mental challenges (outside of our my mind of course) and I don’t know the answer... I’m thinking a 2 bedroom apartment ANYWHERE and my bedroom can be the living room like it’s recently become here in his prison. I Pray for strength sorry for the rant!

[Avocuddle]

Hi Angelfox - anyone who has found themselves caught in a relationship with a narcissist before —- we understand the need the to rant. No worries in that aspect! I had my first horrific experience with one at 40 too. I’m 47 now & glad I got away from him. My heart goes out to you & the battle you are in now. I know I’ve never had to fight just to protect my sense of self from being utterly destroyed like I did by my narc. I remember feeling like my brain had been ravaged so badly & exhausted by the mental battle of whits. That it would leave me unfunctional & my brain “mush” for hours afterward. It was an ordeal that only makes you feel crazier to try & explain it to anyone else. But hell to have to keep it all trapped in your own head.

This helped me...... just try to hold fast to YOUR OWN HONESTY & Truth. If you KNOW INSTINCTIVELY something isn’t “right”. It’s because it’s NOT. A narc will try every way possible to break you. But they can’t take THAT HONESTY from you. Use it like a shield to protect yourself.

Try to put blame where blame is due... and not internalize the damage & horrible depths they take you through. It helps you to HAVE the strength when you really need it.

I hope you are reading this...& thinking “wow , this lady is nuts!” “It’s not that bad for me”. And I sincerely hope it’s not. But I wish I would have had a friend that understood, to rant about the “crazy” to. Please don’t hesitate to PM me if you like.

Honestly , I would welcome a friend about now, as well😊

My Kindest regards & all the strength I can send your way in a hug 🤗

[Angelfox2002 in reply to Avocuddle]

I wish I could call you crazy too lol, but nope that defines him, textbook stuff that seems so obvious once you figure it out but baffling at the same time because a normal person can’t fathom the way they think and what motivates them! Unfortunately we do! I’m going to PM you I’m just severely drained and tired at the moment, I had to tell my kids that we might stay in a hotel for a little while until we find a place just for my sanity - luckily they’re old enough to see it - omg it’s so bad I can relate to everything you said and more. I’ll definitely pm you tomorrow - thank you so much for the encouragement, goodnight to all survivors of selfish sarcastic narcissistic solitude!

[Avocuddle in reply to Angelfox2002]

Angel I’m sorry, I really need to figure out how to get alerts from here for replies & pms! I’m going to check my pms now to see if I have any from you. ❤️ from a friend 😊

[Hidden]

I'm with you. I'm trying to hard to get out of this house I'm in. It just brings me pain and isolation. Shoot me a message if you wanna talk.

[EEMO]

Don't Give up!!!!