Newbie

[MrsColby]

Hi there. I'm new to the group and would like to introduce myself. You can call me Mrs. Colby. I'm a mom of 2 boys and I've been married for 6 years. My first son was born when I was 21-he's now 12- and I suffered from post-partum depression that has turned into a full depression and anxiety disorder. My story as I see it is very long and complicated, and I'll eventually get into it, by t for now I'll give you the current situation: we moved from AZ to MA 5 years ago. Since then, from what I believe to be the stress of the move and culture shock plus lack of support, I've developed an adrenal disorder that has changed my life for the better in some ways and for the worse in most ways. I've been STRUGGLING for the past 2.5 years with this and the accompanying symptoms, and it's only made my depression worse. I've had mild to moderate depression over the years, but it's been severe the past few months. I was seeing a therapist for a year, and in February, after I had cancelled on her a few times (while honoring her policy, I might add), she sent me a TEXT stating she couldn't see me anymore and said good luck. So I've lost the support I trusted and have been worse ever since.

This is the first time in my life that I've asked the universe to kill me so that I don't have to go through this anymore. I have been wishing I would die. I don't think I'd ever hurt myself, and I don't really want to. It's more like someone please just end this for me, end my suffering, because I can't take it anymore. It's the worst feeling in the world.

My mom told me a story about eagles (stay with me here lol) and how as eagles get older and their beaks start to break or their feathers start to fall out, some will just give up and crawl somewhere and die. Others will nest somewhere safe, pull out their talons and feathers themselves, and just rest while everything grows back stronger than ever. I've always been the one who grows back stronger than ever, but for the first time in my life I'm the one who wants to give up and die.

A huge reason my depression has gotten worse is I feel like I'm stuck. I have a demanding job and I'm the breadwinner of the household, and even though my husband works, after daycare and school programs, etc, we barely have enough money to enjoy our life here. We can go out to dinner one day or take the kids to the water park and overdraw our bank account. There's just not enough to go around. Our rent is insane, and we've been trying to buy a house to lower our house payment but we can't save enough money because we're constantly going into savings to cover basic needs. Again, we make decent money, you'd think we'd be fine, but we just can't get ahead. And it's like one thing depends on the other... I'd love to get a part time job so I can adequately recover from my adrenal disorder and be there for my kids more often, but I can't because if I make even $10k a year less we won't be able to live here. So ok, let's by a house so we can lower our expenses and THEN i can get a part time job. But I can't buy a house because we can't save enough to put down, etc.... it's a never ending cycle of road block after road block. We could move back to AZ, but my older son, who has a disability, is thriving in the schools here and he has a fantastic neurologist. He's the happiest I've ever seen him.

In addition to that, we don't have support here. My husbands parents live in Maine but they can't watch the kids regularly. We don't know anyone except a couple friends that live an hour away. My husband and I are ALWAYS with the kids. The level of stress on our marriage is insane. Just one thing after another.

So yeah, that's my current story. I need help.

Thanks for reading.

[Kobojunkie]

color me confused but why again are you depressed? You find it hard to pay your bills living in MA and that is why you are depressed?

are you saying the reason you are depressed is cause life is hard? Or cause a therapist dumped you? A therapist who probably didn't do you much good to begin with?

[Ashlyxo in reply to Kobojunkie]

Do we really need a 'reason' to be depressed? Sometimes it happens to the best of us for no apparent reason. Maybe a chemical imbalance in the brain? Idk. I hope you feel better soon!

[Kobojunkie in reply to Ashlyxo]

No. If you know the reason why you are depressed you can easily solve your problem. Tackle the issue somehow and move forward away from depression. Run as far as you can from it.

Don't go comparing that to having a chemical imbalance and living depressed for no valid reason. That is wrong

[Ashlyxo in reply to Kobojunkie]

I'm not trying to compare it but some people can't tell you why they are depressed. Sometimes the feelings just hit for no reason. I'm playing with my son and having a great day and all of a sudden I feel extremely sad for no reason.. And sometimes it is not so easy to just 'tackle' the problem ..

[Kobojunkie in reply to Ashlyxo]

of course it is never easy to tackle a problem that is why it is called a problem. You examine it over and over until you find a way to fix it.

[Ashlyxo in reply to Kobojunkie]

Ok

[MrsColby in reply to Kobojunkie]

I've always been a fighter. When I had my son at 21, I was a single mother (I had him in a previous relationship that didn't work out). I got a good job with good insurance, he had all the therapy he needed, and I refused to go on welfare. Not that there is anything wrong with it, I just thought that I could conquer the world for my son and didn't need help. Fast forward to a couple of years ago when I was first diagnosed with my illness. I immediately researched all the ways I can heal and talked to probably 20 different types of doctors. I quit coffee, quit alcohol, went on a healing foods diet, started doing more yoga, took steroids and supplements, did acupuncture and reiki, etc. I changed my entire life to heal myself. I am stubborn, I am a fighter, I have NEVER been one to lie down and die when adversity comes my way. Never. Until now.

[MrsColby in reply to Kobojunkie]

My point in telling you this is, I am the exact person who always finds a solution to the problem. Always. I even do this for my job, I'm so good at it. But right now, it doesn't seem possible.

[MrsColby in reply to Ashlyxo]

You're right, we don't need a reason. I should've said, apart from everything going on, I have classic depression; Unexplained sadness, loss of enjoyment in things I used to enjoy, fatigue, brain fog, hopelessness, etc. The problems I'm having just exacerbate all these things.

[Kobojunkie in reply to MrsColby]

Those are simply the very symptoms of depression. Have you been actively treating your depression, even before this showed up?

[MrsColby in reply to Kobojunkie]

I tried Wellbutrin a few months ago but it was too stimulatory for my adrenals and actually ended up making me sick. Since then I've been trying to go the natural route, but hasn't worked. I have an appointment with my doc tomorrow to try something else.

[MrsColby in reply to Kobojunkie]

I have an auto immune disorder that gets worse with stress, so that certainly doesn't help. I'm getting treatment for it, but again, it definitely makes it harder to deal with things when they happen. Of course life is hard, but when you're suffering from depression, plus a chronic illness, and you have so much pressure on you and don't feel any relief because you don't have the support you need, life feels unbearable. Not just hard. I suppose there are a lot of ins and outs that I can't possibly explain on here that contribute to the way I'm feeling. But ultimately I feel like everything is on my shoulders and I don't have the mental or emotional strength to keep it up. We came to MA to help our son with his medical issues (born with brain damage and has epilepsy) and he's blossomed here, I'm so thankful for that. But it's been a long road; he's changed schools countless times to find a good fit, and he's finally in a good place and making friends for the first time in his life. I don't want to take that away from him. But I'm sick too, and the stress of being here has broken me. So at what point can I focus on me and help myself? I've lived my life for my son, and I struggle with staying here for him or moving somewhere else for me. If I'm selfish, it'll help me and hurt him. If I'm not selfish, he'll be better for it but I'm going to waste away. Maybe that sounds dramatic, but that's what I feel is happening to me. This illness and the depression have completely hollowed me out.

[Kobojunkie in reply to MrsColby]

The only person who knows and can solve your personal issues at home/with money there is you and maybe those around you who know much more about what you are going through.

I am more concerned about why you are depressed cause if taken care of, no matter how much stress is thrown at you, it will bounce off you because you are no longer a slave to depression.

From what I read, it seemed your situation was causing you depression, and that to me is .....

[MrsColby in reply to Kobojunkie]

By the way, Kobojunkie, I just read your post about your brain fog, and that's one of the issues I have too. My sister has MS and I was afraid that I did too, based on this and my other symptoms from my adrenal stuff, but I got an MRI and my brain is totally normal. The brain fog sucks. I have a hard time keeping up at work and learning new things. Like you, I rely on muscle memory most of the time. I'm an intelligent person but it's like I'm trying to think through sludge. Probably one of the reasons why I can't seem to think through all of my problems.

[Kobojunkie in reply to MrsColby]

You say you are suffering from depression, are you on medication that helps you deal with it? If yes, why are you still depressed? Have you reported back to your doctor about this so he can adjust your meds to get you where you need to be?

How long have you had the brain fog? You should have simply mentioned that as the problem in the beginning. Brain fog is a symptom of depression. How long have you been experiencing it? Have you checked in with your doctor about it?

[Kobojunkie in reply to Kobojunkie]

My situation is that the silly doctors I had won't give me what I know will work. Vyvanse is the drug that I had that helped me a lot with clearing up the Lack of Motivation and Interest issues, I had even as a child. I don't know if it will work for you but if you have good doctors, you could try it. And not, not Adderall. It has to be lisdextroamphetamine or Vyvanse

[Kobojunkie]

Where did my responses go? I meant every word I said there.

Life is hard, so if you get depressed over life issues, work on it and try to get yourself out of it as soon as you can. Don't let yourself be taken over by the depression monster.

Your situation as hard as you think it is much better than that of most others who actually grew up with mental illness and have had to suffer all their lives trying to fit in, whether it be in getting a job, having family for support, etc.

What you are complaining about is no reason to be depressed at all. Sure, you don't have the answers now, but what good will depression do you? or your family? How does it contribute to solving your problem? How can you solve a problem when you chose depression instead of remaining hopeful? It does not make sense at all to let life issues like this get you, of all things depressed. Sure you could be down, but depressed? What for?

[MrsColby in reply to Kobojunkie]

Some of your responses cut off...

I have a history of depression, and it's in my family, along with anxiety, so I'm predispositioned to it. I think you mean well, but your comments are coming across as unempathetic. There are a million reasons for a person to be depressed. If you want me to go further, I can tell you that I'm a people pleaser and perfectionist. I was the "good daughter" in my family, so I always had to be above everything. And I ended up being a pretty bad person in my late teens; just selfish and angry at the world and I did shitty things, etc. I decided I wanted to be an actress, so I was going to move to LA. So instead of going to college right away, I got a good job right out of high school in medical billing making good money and worked there for longer than expected, but whatever. Then at 20, I applied to a photography school in Santa Barbara, and my plan was to do school and audition for roles. A week after a telephone call with some big wig at the school telling me I was in the running for a scholarship, I found out I was pregnant. I gave up my dreams and I decided to keep my son and change myself to be a better person so that I could raise a better person than I was. So yeah, I worked my ass off, made myself better (not in a healthy way... I basically forced myself to be hyper-aware of my flaws and berate myself whenever I made a stupid move). When my son was born I had postpartum depression pretty bad. Went on Zoloft for 6 months and felt better, but then became a single mom. Turned out my boyfriend, who I thought was my son's father, wasn't (bad person, remember?) Still worked my ass off, even tried going to college, but then I ended up getting into cocaine through friends. Thank god I got over that quickly without even getting help. But I've never dealt with the devastation I felt after the stuff happened with my ex. But I spent two years alone and celibate, made new friends, had family around that helped me with my son and watched him so I could act like a normal 20-something from time to time. Then I met who is now my husband. We fell hard, and quickly, and for married. 8 months later I got laid off and we decided it was a good time to go to MA for my son to get the help he needed. To move across the country when you're a newlywed adjusting to an entirely foreign family dynamic was really difficult. I think our marriage has suffered from that. My husband went through a lot and did some stupid shit. I got a good job and moved us to a better area with good schools and got the insurance and I've been taking care of every facet of our life here since we've been here. It's been up and down... mostly down. We had another baby 3 years ago, and he's an angel. To be honest, I think I've recently fallen out of love with my husband. He's so incredible though, I don't know how I could've changed my mind. I've thought about leaving him but I could never afford to be here alone. Which brings me to now. 99% of the responsibility falls on me, I feel I have no wiggle room to make my situation better because any step in any direction would be devastating for us, and I can't seem to make ANY decisions and end up ruminating endlessly about everything I'm not, every flaw I have, the fact I've gained so much weight from my adrenal meds and don't feel good about myself, I compare myself to others, I don't feel "normal," I worry endlessly, I have anxiety about everything, etc. On the familial side, we can't afford hobbies or mini getaways to maybe ease out stress, so I don't feel i have anything to look forward to, we have no family here to help us, both ourfamilies are having financial issues so we can't ask them for help there.... just so many things against me and us as a whole. First time in my life I feel hopeless.

[Kobojunkie in reply to MrsColby]

"Which brings me to now. 99% of the responsibility falls on me, I feel I have no wiggle room to make my situation better because any step in any direction would be devastating for us, and I can't seem to make ANY decisions and end up ruminating endlessly about everything I'm not, every flaw I have, the fact I've gained so much weight from my adrenal meds and don't feel good about myself, I compare myself to others, I don't feel "normal," I worry endlessly, I have anxiety about everything, etc. On the familial side, we can't afford hobbies or mini getaways to maybe ease out stress, so I don't feel i have anything to look forward to, we have no family here to help us, both ourfamilies are having financial issues so we can't ask them for help there.... just so many things against me and us as a whole. First time in my life I feel hopeless."

All that says you seem to have fallen deeper into depression.

In your initial post, you stated that the depression had been mild to moderate, up until now. So, I am trying to understand if you had been on anti-depressants.

Now you seem to be gliding way deeper, and I am trying to get you state exactly when and why this is happening now.

"A huge reason my depression has gotten worse is I feel like I'm stuck. I have a demanding job and I'm the breadwinner of the household, and even though my husband works, after daycare and school programs, etc, we barely have enough money to enjoy our life here. "

This is what you stated in your initial post, notice you did not mention the Adrenal issue, nor do you mention your other depression issue. You simply state here that the problem is the condition in your environment. Which I am saying is solvable so you should not be letting it get you down, so low that you are almost throwing yourself into the arms of Chronic depression disorder

[MrsColby in reply to Kobojunkie]

I just didn't want to get into that in my very first post. I was trying to be short n sweet. Overthinking strikes again.

I tried taking Wellbutrin a few months ago but it was too stimulatory for my adrenals and made me sick. I have an appt with my doc tomorrow and I'm going to ask to try something else.

I agree, I need to do SOMETHING and make some sort of move somehow to get out of the grips of this. But again, that in itself is part of the problem.

[Kobojunkie in reply to MrsColby]

Here is what I think of what you are dealing with at this time. Most of the things on your list are fixable. You gained weight on your adrenal medication... talk to your doctor and see if there are alternatives to what you are taking that is causing the weight gain, or if there is some other med that could keep you from eating so much so the weight can drop off. If you have to join a gym, then so be it. Some hospitals provide that as a community service to anyone who wants to exercise. If you have one in your area, try that for a bit.

" I feel I have no wiggle room to make my situation better because any step in any direction would be devastating for us..." --- Then do nothing and wait till a wiggle room opens up somewhere for you. There is no need to try to solve it all right this second, or this month or this year, right? You are not being kicked out of your apartment at this time, or are you?

"and I can't seem to make ANY decisions and end up ruminating endlessly about everything I'm not..."- Then you need to do what we all have to do, face the facts and beat those thoughts by confronting them with facts. If you pay a therapist, he/she will tell you to do the same.

" every flaw I have, the fact I've gained so much weight from my adrenal meds and don't feel good about myself, I compare myself to others, I don't feel "normal," ...." - You need to work on loving yourself. You can pay a therapist to tell you that is what you have to do, or you can start doing it yourself.

MDD, on the other hand, is not solvable, from all I have heard. If you read through some of the posts on here, you will see that your life is in fact much better than that of many others who are with MDD and other issues. Some can't even keep a job, others can't even control their symptoms anymore. Many can't even pay their bills.

[Kobojunkie in reply to Kobojunkie]

If Wellbutrin does not work for you, there are hundreds of alternatives. Don't give up until you find one that works. Yes, you may have to suffer through annoying side effects, but it is worth it to help you get control of this thing before it worsens for sure