Hi there. I'm new to the group and would like to introduce myself. You can call me Mrs. Colby. I'm a mom of 2 boys and I've been married for 6 years. My first son was born when I was 21-he's now 12- and I suffered from post-partum depression that has turned into a full depression and anxiety disorder. My story as I see it is very long and complicated, and I'll eventually get into it, by t for now I'll give you the current situation: we moved from AZ to MA 5 years ago. Since then, from what I believe to be the stress of the move and culture shock plus lack of support, I've developed an adrenal disorder that has changed my life for the better in some ways and for the worse in most ways. I've been STRUGGLING for the past 2.5 years with this and the accompanying symptoms, and it's only made my depression worse. I've had mild to moderate depression over the years, but it's been severe the past few months. I was seeing a therapist for a year, and in February, after I had cancelled on her a few times (while honoring her policy, I might add), she sent me a TEXT stating she couldn't see me anymore and said good luck. So I've lost the support I trusted and have been worse ever since.
This is the first time in my life that I've asked the universe to kill me so that I don't have to go through this anymore. I have been wishing I would die. I don't think I'd ever hurt myself, and I don't really want to. It's more like someone please just end this for me, end my suffering, because I can't take it anymore. It's the worst feeling in the world.
My mom told me a story about eagles (stay with me here lol) and how as eagles get older and their beaks start to break or their feathers start to fall out, some will just give up and crawl somewhere and die. Others will nest somewhere safe, pull out their talons and feathers themselves, and just rest while everything grows back stronger than ever. I've always been the one who grows back stronger than ever, but for the first time in my life I'm the one who wants to give up and die.
A huge reason my depression has gotten worse is I feel like I'm stuck. I have a demanding job and I'm the breadwinner of the household, and even though my husband works, after daycare and school programs, etc, we barely have enough money to enjoy our life here. We can go out to dinner one day or take the kids to the water park and overdraw our bank account. There's just not enough to go around. Our rent is insane, and we've been trying to buy a house to lower our house payment but we can't save enough money because we're constantly going into savings to cover basic needs. Again, we make decent money, you'd think we'd be fine, but we just can't get ahead. And it's like one thing depends on the other... I'd love to get a part time job so I can adequately recover from my adrenal disorder and be there for my kids more often, but I can't because if I make even $10k a year less we won't be able to live here. So ok, let's by a house so we can lower our expenses and THEN i can get a part time job. But I can't buy a house because we can't save enough to put down, etc.... it's a never ending cycle of road block after road block. We could move back to AZ, but my older son, who has a disability, is thriving in the schools here and he has a fantastic neurologist. He's the happiest I've ever seen him.
In addition to that, we don't have support here. My husbands parents live in Maine but they can't watch the kids regularly. We don't know anyone except a couple friends that live an hour away. My husband and I are ALWAYS with the kids. The level of stress on our marriage is insane. Just one thing after another.
So yeah, that's my current story. I need help.
Thanks for reading.