Learning to be me

[GreenSquid]

Hello everyone. I just want to share a bit about what I've been going through. I got married when I was 19 because I thought that was the only way to get out of the house. Before our second anniversary we had a son. The first 3 years of our marriage was pretty normal...or so I thought. After 5 years I started to realize there was a lot about him I didn't know. (He also started forcing me to have s** with him when i didnt want to) I was still young and naive. Slowly, so slowly I didn't even realize he was doing it, he isolated us. I wasn't really allowed to have friends, or go to the doctor...so many things. Then I started to learn that he was addicted to pain pills...had been since before we were married, only now he can't get them from doctors, so he was buying other people's. Spending money that could have been used for our son, or for me to get new under things....(so much, sorry...yet there's lots more)Fast forward to 2019...we are now almost 40, and he has had many addictions, known and unknown to me. One day I'm told we have to pack and move quickly. I found out why later...when he got arrested. (Another time maybe)

So by 2020 our son is going to graduate high school, and my ex hasn't really been working...so we lose our apartment. We live in a Motel 6 for 2 months, and then I talk to my parents. We move in with them for a while, I get a great job, and he's not working...he suddenly can't stand it at my parents house, and moves us into an Extended Stay. I lived there with him and our son for a few months...then I can't take it anymore and I finally leave.

Last year our divorce was finalized, and right after that my anxiety, depression, and panic attacks came. I hate myself, and I already went through enough, I can't do this. I don't have any friends because this condition was too much for them.

Sorry...I skipped a lot of things, and hinted at others...I know thus is long

Sorry

[gajh]

Hello and Welcome. This is a great place to get support. I am glad you have joined us.

[GreenSquid in reply to gajh]

Thank you. I'm great at helping others, I just can't help myself

[gajh in reply to GreenSquid]

Yup! Exactly.

[CatsandCheese]

Thank you for sharing. You are very strong. Fear of being alone has kept me a prisoner for decades. Run, Toto, Run!

[Windsorgardener5087]

Hi and Welcome to your forum from me too.You have done the right thing by yourself in getting out of that toxic marriage.

It's time to focus on you now. There are therapists who can help you get back on a even keel mentally.

In the meantime, you have all of us lived experience of anxiety and depression to support you without judgement 💜 🐈‍⬛

[secrets22]

Gosh, you really have been through it for over 20 years, and i hope you will soon feel more settled and don't falter on your journey, you are still young enough to find a better more for filling life. I know you speak of your ex's addictions but was alcohol ever part of it.? I wish you joy as you move forward.

[GreenSquid in reply to secrets22]

Thank you. Yes. Alcohol, pills, gambling, lying,and probably many more.

[Dancelady63]

Thavk you for posting your feelings on here. You are a very strong lady and you have a lot going for in life. Keep pushing forward and you will succeed.

[GreenSquid in reply to Dancelady63]

Thank you. Being over 40 and single is tough. I feel lost, and I feel like I'm going to be lost forever.

[Dancelady63 in reply to GreenSquid]

You are still young enough to start all over and explore different opportunities. It’s all about how you look at things. Keep being strong 💪

[GreenSquid in reply to Dancelady63]

I'm not strong. I can't keep going on this way