This group is helping me grow, face my fears, and discover myself even if painful at times.
Sorry this is looooong, but it’s very healing.
I’m starting to realize and recognize where my fears, anxiety, depression, despair, panic, and hopelessness are coming from. I’m terrified of being abandoned and alone. This stems from past childhood trauma.
With my sudden dip in income I have felt helpless and alone trying to battle all the bills I simply can’t pay anymore and feel tremendous guilt for not being able to provide for my teens like I used to. My boyfriend, no help.
I went from being a stay at home mom playing a very traditional wife role for 13 years to finding myself divorced with 2 young children (husband cheating and abusive alcoholic), looking for work, and barely surviving on child support. He had abandoned us completely. No visits with kids, no birthday cards, no phone calls, NOTHING! He disappeared out of our lives. This was in 2010.
I managed to get a job at my kids school as a Paraeducator and that combined with child support afforded us a little 3 bedroom apartment and basic necessities for survival. We were struggling, be we were on our own and getting healthy.
In 2011 I met my boyfriend. He adored my kids and swept me off my feet. He stepped in as dad and provided things I couldn’t. He filled my cupboards with food, bought school clothes for the kids, took us camping and sight seeing, took us out to dinners, played video games with Caleb, attended Amelia’s Upward Cheer..... I thought I found my soulmate. Within a few months, he asked me to move from ID to WA to live with him. I said NO. I knew I couldn’t support myself and kids there and suggested he move to ID. He said it wasn’t a good idea with his job and family all based out of WA. I had no one so I had no ties to ID. He told me he could support me and my kids until I found a job in WA.... so I took a leap of faith and moved.
Since that move we have moved 3 times with each move adding more financial stress as my boyfriend is never content with what he has and always wants more. He has purchased 3 very expensive vehicles just to trade them in for something more fancy when he can’t afford to keep what he already had. He purchased a new motorcycle that just sits and birds poop on it. He demanded we get house we are in (2k a month) even though he was maxed out paying $1500 for our apartment. I tried to help him budget and show him what was within our means, but he insisted he could handle it.
Now that my child support is slowly coming to an end, the boyfriend is panicking. I discussed this with him b4 we got the house. I warned him as I knew it was coming. My para income is significantly less than my child support so this is a HUGE financial blow. I was preparing for it, but boyfriend wasn’t and just assumed I would keep paying all I had been even without the support. I simply can’t. Now I fear he will abandon me and my kids just as my ex husband did, but this time I have no where to go. I’m terrified.
I gravely fear being abandoned or alone. I have already started to mourn the loss of how our relationship used to be. I feel my fear pulling me into isolation and my body shutting down. I’ve looked endlessly for other housing my kids and I can afford on my income and it doesn’t exist. I’ve spent too much of my life financially dependent on the man in my life as I felt my role was to care for him and the family and allow him to pursue a career.
I’m so scared and sad. There are too many BIG changes all happening at once and I don’t know where to turn.
Any similar experiences or success stories? I’m so lost and paralyzed by fear.
😢Eileen
I can't cope anymore. I really need help. Please. 
still some anxiety 
Fear of having another baby
Boyfriend doesn’t understand anxiety 
24 hours later. 
