This group is helping me grow, face my fears, and discover myself even if painful at times.
Sorry this is looooong, but it’s very healing.
I’m starting to realize and recognize where my fears, anxiety, depression, despair, panic, and hopelessness are coming from. I’m terrified of being abandoned and alone. This stems from past childhood trauma.
With my sudden dip in income I have felt helpless and alone trying to battle all the bills I simply can’t pay anymore and feel tremendous guilt for not being able to provide for my teens like I used to. My boyfriend, no help.
I went from being a stay at home mom playing a very traditional wife role for 13 years to finding myself divorced with 2 young children (husband cheating and abusive alcoholic), looking for work, and barely surviving on child support. He had abandoned us completely. No visits with kids, no birthday cards, no phone calls, NOTHING! He disappeared out of our lives. This was in 2010.
I managed to get a job at my kids school as a Paraeducator and that combined with child support afforded us a little 3 bedroom apartment and basic necessities for survival. We were struggling, be we were on our own and getting healthy.
In 2011 I met my boyfriend. He adored my kids and swept me off my feet. He stepped in as dad and provided things I couldn’t. He filled my cupboards with food, bought school clothes for the kids, took us camping and sight seeing, took us out to dinners, played video games with Caleb, attended Amelia’s Upward Cheer..... I thought I found my soulmate. Within a few months, he asked me to move from ID to WA to live with him. I said NO. I knew I couldn’t support myself and kids there and suggested he move to ID. He said it wasn’t a good idea with his job and family all based out of WA. I had no one so I had no ties to ID. He told me he could support me and my kids until I found a job in WA.... so I took a leap of faith and moved.
Since that move we have moved 3 times with each move adding more financial stress as my boyfriend is never content with what he has and always wants more. He has purchased 3 very expensive vehicles just to trade them in for something more fancy when he can’t afford to keep what he already had. He purchased a new motorcycle that just sits and birds poop on it. He demanded we get house we are in (2k a month) even though he was maxed out paying $1500 for our apartment. I tried to help him budget and show him what was within our means, but he insisted he could handle it.
Now that my child support is slowly coming to an end, the boyfriend is panicking. I discussed this with him b4 we got the house. I warned him as I knew it was coming. My para income is significantly less than my child support so this is a HUGE financial blow. I was preparing for it, but boyfriend wasn’t and just assumed I would keep paying all I had been even without the support. I simply can’t. Now I fear he will abandon me and my kids just as my ex husband did, but this time I have no where to go. I’m terrified.
I gravely fear being abandoned or alone. I have already started to mourn the loss of how our relationship used to be. I feel my fear pulling me into isolation and my body shutting down. I’ve looked endlessly for other housing my kids and I can afford on my income and it doesn’t exist. I’ve spent too much of my life financially dependent on the man in my life as I felt my role was to care for him and the family and allow him to pursue a career.
I’m so scared and sad. There are too many BIG changes all happening at once and I don’t know where to turn.
Any similar experiences or success stories? I’m so lost and paralyzed by fear.
😢Eileen
Written by
hunter4ransom
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15 Replies
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Very understandable. Say “I got this” and set a plan or long term vision and go for it. It will be tough, but you can do it. Focus on your health and finance plan and have a close group of people to talk to (here). 🙏🏼
I'm sorry this is happening...and your right, it's terrifying....but your a survivor....and your smart. My sisters child support was for only 2 years and she was in the same boat....living beyond her means and had already moved 3 times in 2 years....so....she went to nursing school...got a grant and toughed it out with some very long hours. She had no HS diploma so had to get her GED first before going to college. Before all this she lived the high life...had it all....and never worried about money but was miserable with her husband. Now she's in her early 50's, divorced, and has a nursing degree...it took a couple of years...a battle with cancer...and a crap ex- husband who could never stop being a jerk....but as scared as she was....she did it. This was a shy little girl who really pulled up her big girl panties because she had to....
You are going to find a way out of this....and if the boyfriend does not fit into the package, you will have to make some tough choices. but get your ducks in a row, don't worry about the relationship right now....the kids have to come first...by doing that...you will find your strength....the rest will work itself out....in your heart you know this guy probably won't change....don't make that your problem.....your not his mother....he can stop being peter pan on his own....you have to be the adult...take charge. There are school grants...and you can look for any training programs to get certified in child care, or what ever that you can live on.
I adore you faux! Your responses fill me with strength and determination. I should go back to college and get my teaching degree. I already teach and love it. It would take me 4+ years as I have no college credits. It’s a scary change and a long journey, but an option.
you could also go for some kind of certification in child care that only takes a year or two to start...that way your working and getting income along with job experience in addition to the experience you already have...be a warrior..
If you have been teaching, some colleges have programs which give credit for experience. My sister had a 2-year community college degree and went to work for an insurance company. She married, had three children, was working when she began to finish her college with one or two courses at a time. A credit for life experience shortened the time to complete her college degree. Her employer paid for several classes a year; she had to change jobs several times, but each change was for the better in income and positions.
Hello Eileen,
I’m so very sorry that you’re suffering in your current situation. I wish I had some meaningful advice...I would go into baby step mode. Take things one minute at a time right now and slowly work your way back up. There’s no penalty for stepping backwards and sliding back into baby steps at any time. It’s go at your own pace! 🌺🌿🌺
Wish had some advice... I know how hard abbandment issues are, grew up in unstable home. Watched my mom struggle to raise 3 kids without help from my "father"..... I worry too about my guy leaving, now as an adult. We don't how kids, yet. But I save as much as I can, since I'm so afraid. You are amazing, like my mom a survivor... & you love your children & they know that. You can do this, with or without him.... do what's best for your family...
You are so sweet melbrown. If there is one thing I’ve done right in my life, it’s being a mom. It’s the greatest gift I’ve ever been blessed with. My kids give me strength to keep fighting the good fight.
Hunter, it is very sane that you are afraid......Perhaps the fear is that the man is dragging you down and not because you are afraid of abandonment this time; you may be doing the leaving. And yes I did that and it was rough. Some days I didn't eat or know where my stepson and I would be hiding from his abusive father.
I don't know why your child support ended or how old your children are, but if your income is low enough without that man living with you, you may be eligible for public benefits you never knew existed. I never had any help because I didn't know it was available.
Think about calling all the public assistance numbers you find; get an interview with a social worker as they know the resources. Get yourself into a "mission IS possible" mode and find the resources out there for you and your children. Notice there was no mention of that man. He can take care of himself. You can do this because that's what women do when tough times affect their children.
The end of my story is my stepson is an educated middle aged man now in a happy marriage. I eventually went to school, ended up as an attorney and counselor of the Supreme Court of the United States and married to a very good man. Now, how unlikely does that sound?
NOTHING is impossible; you just need to find the help to turn things around now. You can do it.
You are an inspiration lawdog! Thank so much for sharing your story with me. My son is 18 and daughter 17 next month. I’ve done a little research on low income housing and food benefits. Low income housing has a 5+ year wait list and the communities are riddled with drugs and violence so I’m thinking of returning to school or getting 2nd job. If I leave my current living situation I do qualify for food assistance. Thank you for your wonderful advice and I’m so glad you have a happy ending. I have hope I will too.
your the warrior I am talking about...nothing is impossible when we put our mind to it. I am so glad to hear of a women's advocate in a place of power who knows the struggles of single mothers, and women in general on their own, trying to make their way in a system that can be tough to navigate.
I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. I've experienced a lot of loss this year alone. So I'm afraid to lose another person with whom I'm close to again.
I say focus on yourself. I think some of the abandonment is why you feel so insecure about your relationship, your finances, etc. Take care of yourself. Look into the wonders of self-care and self-love. Read about positive talk and affirmations.
I believe that you can get through this. But you have to believe in yourself. You're a strong woman. ♥️
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still some anxiety 
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24 hours later. 
