I joined not too long ago. I keep reading what everyone is saying and there appears to be hope. I’ll share a few of my thoughts and feelings to introduce myself. I’m 42. Hope? What’s that? All I feel is sadness. Well obviously not all the time, when I am able fixate on something happy, but certainly it seems to be all the time, especially when I’m in these moments. It’s just overwhelming sadness felt in my head, upper chest, and Heart. One that emulates that butterfly feeling in my stomach I used to get when I became overly anxious of something, but this kind, this kind is just so much painful - to the point of it feeling impossible for one person to to deal with or take on their own. This extreme sadness comes in spurts and doesn’t go away until it’s too late, too late because by the time I’ve pushed myself, forced myself to grind on through it, I’ve already caused additional damage and pain. Damage and Pain to my boys, to my ex wife and mother of two of my boys(6 and 4), my current girlfriend and “our” 2 year old boy and my 4th boy that’s yet to born. No one comes close to understanding. I can’t just get up and make a change or take a happy pill. It’s so much harder, more difficult, than that. I don’t feel supported by anyone other than my therapist, my work is extremely stressful, and relationships are failing, I’m failing at being the father I want to be. I want to overcompensate as a father and Shower them with love and teachings because I feel responsible for the pain they already feel, having failed the marriage to their mother. I fail at overcompensating for their pain and sadness , due to my own sadness.. Its not fair to them. I respond by doing the opposite of who I used to think i was, do the opposite of what I want for the people in my life, and I take all my sadness and anger out on them, those who already don’t understand, pushing people I love further away from me.
I can’t pinpoint where the sadness comes from. When I try to, I can’t. It seems to stem from a feeling of regret, about various non-specifics throughout my entire life, basically my life itself.
I can’t find the hope...ever.. I can’t see myself in the future. I see my 4 sons growing old, and my girlfriend, but I never see myself included in the future. It’s feels almost like a priminition of what’s to come. That thing I always think about doing but haven’t had the courage to yet. I make people’s lives worse due to my struggles, so why not leave their lives and be out of it. Out of sight out of mind. I wouldn’t be the constant reminder or the negative sad one in their daily lives anymore. Wouldn’t that be better? Time heals all they say, but the hole in my heart seems like it will never go away. Will I always make things worse by being in their lives? Are kids able to get over that? That’s my concern. I feel my void can easily be filled. Life goes on even with me not in it. I’m replaceable and replaceable by others with more positive vibes. This is not how I want to be. I hate being a burden to others and causing more pain simply because of my pain. I try to hide it but can’t. What do I need to do to climb myself out? I’m always going to be the cause of pain, my marriage failed, my kids suffer because mommy and daddy no longer live together, They don’t get to see mommy and daddy together every day in their lives and I can’t tell them how much they are loved everyday.. I know this is something I will never get over. it will always be there. No pills or medication can take it away. So when does more happiness than sadness come? Am I to live my entire life like this?