Sad, Sad, Sad, Sad

[Wrberube]

I joined not too long ago. I keep reading what everyone is saying and there appears to be hope. I’ll share a few of my thoughts and feelings to introduce myself. I’m 42. Hope? What’s that? All I feel is sadness. Well obviously not all the time, when I am able fixate on something happy, but certainly it seems to be all the time, especially when I’m in these moments. It’s just overwhelming sadness felt in my head, upper chest, and Heart. One that emulates that butterfly feeling in my stomach I used to get when I became overly anxious of something, but this kind, this kind is just so much painful - to the point of it feeling impossible for one person to to deal with or take on their own. This extreme sadness comes in spurts and doesn’t go away until it’s too late, too late because by the time I’ve pushed myself, forced myself to grind on through it, I’ve already caused additional damage and pain. Damage and Pain to my boys, to my ex wife and mother of two of my boys(6 and 4), my current girlfriend and “our” 2 year old boy and my 4th boy that’s yet to born. No one comes close to understanding. I can’t just get up and make a change or take a happy pill. It’s so much harder, more difficult, than that. I don’t feel supported by anyone other than my therapist, my work is extremely stressful, and relationships are failing, I’m failing at being the father I want to be. I want to overcompensate as a father and Shower them with love and teachings because I feel responsible for the pain they already feel, having failed the marriage to their mother. I fail at overcompensating for their pain and sadness , due to my own sadness.. Its not fair to them. I respond by doing the opposite of who I used to think i was, do the opposite of what I want for the people in my life, and I take all my sadness and anger out on them, those who already don’t understand, pushing people I love further away from me.

I can’t pinpoint where the sadness comes from. When I try to, I can’t. It seems to stem from a feeling of regret, about various non-specifics throughout my entire life, basically my life itself.

I can’t find the hope...ever.. I can’t see myself in the future. I see my 4 sons growing old, and my girlfriend, but I never see myself included in the future. It’s feels almost like a priminition of what’s to come. That thing I always think about doing but haven’t had the courage to yet. I make people’s lives worse due to my struggles, so why not leave their lives and be out of it. Out of sight out of mind. I wouldn’t be the constant reminder or the negative sad one in their daily lives anymore. Wouldn’t that be better? Time heals all they say, but the hole in my heart seems like it will never go away. Will I always make things worse by being in their lives? Are kids able to get over that? That’s my concern. I feel my void can easily be filled. Life goes on even with me not in it. I’m replaceable and replaceable by others with more positive vibes. This is not how I want to be. I hate being a burden to others and causing more pain simply because of my pain. I try to hide it but can’t. What do I need to do to climb myself out? I’m always going to be the cause of pain, my marriage failed, my kids suffer because mommy and daddy no longer live together, They don’t get to see mommy and daddy together every day in their lives and I can’t tell them how much they are loved everyday.. I know this is something I will never get over. it will always be there. No pills or medication can take it away. So when does more happiness than sadness come? Am I to live my entire life like this?

[deborah27]

sounds to me as if you have very high expectations, that you see yourself as the one to sort everything out. this is rarely the case, that one person can ensure that everyone elses life is happy and sorted. it takes team effort and lots more besides. your feelings of sadness may be mental exhaustion from all this emotional turmoil, when in reality a lot of it may not be necessary.

[Rpan]

What I hear in your story has many similarities to how I often feel. I have a daughter that will I love so much but I’m so often fixated on how I feel ( often unhappy) that it all consuming. It’s like there is no hope. It’s really guilt and it keeps me stuck. It’s like I can’t do anything right in my relationships. I do believe there is a way through to a hopeful future. I haven’t found that way though. Compassion must be the answer, it’s about compassion towards ourselves. Somehow we have to find self love.

[Wrberube in reply to Rpan]

Thank you, I agree! It’s so hard to do, and I definitely haven’t found my way there either (obviously) but yes that is a great answer! I hope it gets better for me and everyone around me as my main source of guilt and regret I believe is the impact of a broken family on my boys. Once they age and I’m better able to discuss this with them and help them understand and then see for myself that they do understand, i think that will help.. I’ll still never be there for them or see them everyday- that’s the part I’ll need to work through. The “time heals all” phrase is a common one. I’d like to believe in it. Maybe that is where I can find hope. Believing in that and taking each passing day as a step closer to feeling better. The key will be to make the best of each of those passing days. That’s going to be the most difficult part during these times.

[KDJTrainer in reply to Wrberube]

I think you actually have it way more together then you think! I hate when people say “time heals all wounds.” I think it should be time makes it “less dull.” You are doing great. Just coming on here helps. I just joined yesterday and it’s making me feel a little better to know I am not alone. Keep talking. We are listening. ❤️

[Rpan]

I don’t have the experience with a separation and children as far as custody. I’m sure others can give there insight about how to manage those feelings. Though you may not be able to see the boys daily I’m guessing you can call often or even daily. If you have the means provide them with a phone so you can talk to them, plus they will know this is the phone to call dad.

[CaptainCrunch]

I am 42 as well, with 3 kids. You sound very much like me. Life can be so painful and exhausting. I will reach out more when I have more time but I wanted to thank you for posting and hope you continue to do so.

[clayjars]

Hi Wrberube, thank you for sharing your struggles so candidly here. Your post conveys a deep sense of remorse for your past mistakes. May I point out, Wrberube, that people, especially kids are much more resilient than we want to give them credit for? You will not be the single force in their lives that permanently damages them! Kids are so full of love and so eager to forgive and accept... And I know that your kids will recover from the divorce, and they will be eager to forgive you and to accept you. You are still their dad, no matter what.

You are so hard on yourself for your past mistakes. You need to forgive yourself. We can't undo the past. We can only ask for forgiveness, be forgiven and move on. It seems like you really love your kids a lot. Even if you can't live with them, I think it's important for them to know that you love them very much. Please don't ever think that your kids don't need you! They do. You are quite down on yourself when say perhaps your family will be better off without you because that's totally untrue. If you have issues with abuse, then perhaps you need a safe distance until you have dealt with that issue, but you don't come across that way at all! You come across as someone like me, who mess up & keep messing up but am forgiven and loved in spite of my many flaws. There's only one you & no one can replace your presence in your kids lives. They don't need a perfect dad. They need you! You matter. You matter to each one of your beautiful children.