For most of my life, I’ve struggled with these conflicting feelings of being very depressed and doubting if these are even real. Part of me feels like my sadness is uncalled for, and I’m just being overly sensitive and weak. I can’t make up my mind of how I’m feeling and what I’m supposed to feel.
But when I open up to my friends, they’ve either told me I’m overly clingy or too sensitive or they’ve told me that it’s too much and they can’t handle it. I mean, I don’t blame them. Who wants to deal with someone who’s always talking about killing themselves and being down on themselves?
At my new job of the last three years, I’ve made a friend who’s been incredibly understanding and helpful. She went through some pretty bad situational depression and was on meds for a while. I felt like she understood a lot of my struggles, and she’s been there when I needed help. But every time I talk to her about this conflicting aspect, she tells me about how this isn’t a “it just is” kind of deal. And while I understand and accept that many parts of my depression come from life “trauma” and bad coping skills, I don’t think it’s completely due to that. I believe it’s rare to have a purely physiologic depression that has nothing to do with their lives, but I do think many who are very depressed have a genetic disposition to be. And sometimes there’s no reason do it. I think we disagree on this, and I always feel invalidated when we talk about it. I already struggle so hard to accept that I’m depressed and what I feel isn’t my fault; I know she’s trying to put more power in me than in my feelings, but it just reads to me that I’m not trying hard enough; It’s my fault; whatever I’m feeling isn’t real. It’s not like cancer or schizophrenia where there’s an organic inherent abnormality. It’s just my personal flaw. Too weak to deal with the world.
She texted me this below. And I don’t know why I’m so bothered by it. And I don’t really know how to go about expressing this to her either ...
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I also struggled to accept I have anxiety. This might help, it might not, but try every morning as you wake up and every night as you go to bed saying: ‘This is not my fault.’ It might feel weird at the start, but after a while your body should get into the habit of knowing that it’s not your fault your depressed. Hope this helps xx
But it is my fault, right? Because I didn’t work on it, and I’m just using bad coping strategies to put it off? And I feel like everyone around me is going through way tougher problems. Why am I struggling when things are just fine in my life?
It is NOT your fault in any shape or form, and don’t put yourself down like that! I’m not you, so I don’t know what’s happening in your life, but every person in this world deserves happiness. You are important. You deserve happiness, not depression, that is why this app is here xx
Thank you for the kind words. It’s hard to believe that when I really do feel like my existence is a negative impact to those around me. And even those around me who tell me I’m fine and say positive things, i have a hard time believing that because I think they’re just being nice. If they knew how annoying and depressing I am, they’d probably change their minds.
Not your fault at all. If you could not feel bad I am sure that you would change it. Sometimes meds and therapy is needed. Through the process we learn better coping skills.
Therapy and meds have definitely helped. I just feel like a poo for needing them and am worried about being reliant on them. I get periods of impulsivity where I just want to stop taking them. But I know it’s not a good idea. I’ve gone down on meds on my own before, and they were always really bad ... at the same time, I don’t want to be on meds forever. And my psychiatrist just seems to want to keep adding more and more on.
Be positive.... the first step is acceptance. It’s hard and I can relate for my self and my mother who was on deep depression. Sometimes it’s comes biologically, that’s what doctors have told me... that’s why they ask for family history. You have to figure out what is making you feel depress. Personally mine was for having fear to fail since people expect to much from you even if your young; I accepted my sadness and I working for getting better.
True friends will be with you on good and bad moments. You are strong, you have a great friend and you can do it... I know you can. XOXO
Thanks. I definitely have a family history of mental illness. But it was always swept under the rug. Explained away with external stressors. And I’ve internalized that even though I know it makes no sense. And I feel like no matter what I do whether it’s going to therapy or taking meds, I just don’t see a future when I don’t loathe myself and view myself as worthless.
You know I always told my mom this: “You think your worthless, but in this world even the smallest animal is worth in the circle of life”. Meaning that you are worth it in other peoples life’s even do you don’t see it as much. Don’t put yourself down... in this world nothing has sense but is worth living in it. The river is beautiful, the tiniest tree gives you oxygen & you are beautiful on your own way. You will find a way to appreciate life and you will love yourself for who you are. Your safe and worth it; We are here for you even if I’m an anonymous friend. Xoxoxo
I somewhat relate to how you feel. All my life I had heard about depression and thought the word was used too much in every day life. Never really knew what it really was. When I finally began to succumb to it and started reading about depression in hopes of finding some validation for my thoughts and feelings, it opened up my mind to this world of knowledge. Mental health, personality disorders. Trauma, abuse, childhood experiences and how they shape a person. So much about life and how it shapes people started make sense to me. Gradually, I started realizing that I was probably depressed for a very long time and just did not know what Depression is.
Following this, I then started talking to people about my feelings, but I would get frustrated at not being able to properly explain to them how I could have been depressed earlier in life. Especially, those close to me, who would say there was nothing wrong with you ever, you are just overthinking, OR you're just sensitive. OR you were just lazy and did not do your best.
Often times, when I share my feelings or problems with someone, their natural response is to break my seemingly negative thought process. So they will say things which might hurt me unknowingly. It depends how they see depression & anxiety, and what they're experience has been like. So instead of getting validation I am left with remorse, for having shared a personal information and opening up and not getting the support you were seeking.
I understand that it is hard to find people to talk to. Choose carefully who you share with. I have found this place to be good in terms of being heard.
At the end of the day, you know yourself. So don't take that feeling of invalidation to heart. Maybe your friend just does not grasp your whole journey, and does not see why you are the way you are. It is easy for people to point out your shortcomings and blame them to be the root cause of depression or anxiety. Even if no one acknowledges it, if you feel you are genetically disposed to be depressed, then so be it. Do believe in it. But don't try to convince someone otherwise as that will cause the conflicting feelings.
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going in circles 
depression 
Depression is not fair!
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