Hi, I’m new here. Anxiety and depression aren’t new to me, but I’ve had both under control for years until recently.
I awake every morning with cold dead fear racing through my body. My heart races, my mouth dry, ringing in my ears, a pit in my stomach, and a dull headache. I’m overwhelmed with thoughts of a horrible future for myself, my 16 and 18 year old kids, and my boyfriend. I fear every thought and fight with all my might to make the negative, worst case scenario thoughts/images leave my brain but they just get worse and refuse to leave. I’m barely hanging on and only doing so because my kids need me to be their rock. I fake normal around them, but my daughter sees through it and has also battled anxiety in the past. I’m so fearful of triggering her anxiety. I wouldn’t want my worst enemy feeling this sickly, life sucking, debilitating anxiety let alone my kid. I’m a non functioning blob of nervous energy, dread, utter fear, and absolute misery. It’s actually physically painful. I can’t eat, sleep, relax, concentrate, or function like a normal human being. I’m a total train wreck.
I know what triggered this episode, but don’t know how to make it stop.
Trigger 1– son is now 18 and didn’t graduate due to sleep disorder. His child support stopped this month cutting deeply into income I depend on. His health insurance through the state will end on his bday in February. I’m fighting to get him on disability so he will at least have insurance. I’m worried he won’t have health insurance and I can’t afford all his doctor visits and medications with my limited income. What will happen to him?Sick anxiety tells me horrible things will happen.
Trigger 2–my boyfriend of 7 years makes good money and we depend on his income, but he is horrible with budgeting and spends like crazy. He is always late paying on his truck and Harley which are in both of our names. The mortgage, which is in his mom’s name, keeps going up due to taxes and we are already maxed out. With my cut in child support, I’m depending on him more to cover what bills I no longer can. I’m worried we will lose everything (which is unrealistic/unlikely) but I can’t stop that dreadful feeling of doom and hopelessness.
Trigger 3—my boyfriends mom who I’m closer to than my own mom and used to spend almost every day with was recently placed in a nursing home due to her advancing Alzheimer’s. I’m heartbroken and sick over this. My boyfriends little brother and I share power of attorney and he is horrible to me. I’m so riddled with anxiety that I have only visited her once and it went terrible with her begging me to take her home. She is so sad and confused, but I know she can’t live alone and needs 24/7 care that I couldn’t give. I feel tremendous guilt for placing her there (after long battle with the little brother) and fear I made wrong decision.
Trigger 4—my daughter, my rock, my sanity, my glimmer of hope, my little spark of sunshine is starting her senior year in August. She is very bright, independent, and motivated. She is already looking at and visiting nearby colleges/Universities. Because I’m low income, she will get some financial aid and hopes to live on campus. That triggers 2 huge fears for me; how can I financially help her when her child support stops and what am I going to do with myself when she leaves the nest? 😢
Trigger 5—about 6mo ago before life took a giant dump on me, I felt good enough to stop my Zoloft that I had been on for several years. I weaned off of 100mg which was hell, but I did it and felt fine for a short period. When the anxiety came back, it came with a vengeance and I’m not even functional. I’m weaning back on it, but it’s only been a week. I wish it would hurry up and take edge off of this sick sick feeling I have every minute of every day.
Final trigger—I’m a Paraeducator so I have summers off. I don’t go back to work until end of August. I have all this time on my hands to worry, worry, worry over every little detail of my life and paint a pretty bleak picture of my existence and future. In a way, it may be good thing I’m not working because I don’t know how functional I would be in the classroom with my students at this point in my battle with anxiety.
I have sought out counseling and have an appointment Wednesday that I’m looking forward to. I’m also hoping that weaning back onto my Zoloft will start to offer some relief soon. Until then, I’m seeking support with this online group by sharing my struggles with others who are also going through this hell and those who have survived it and can offer hope and solace.
Sorry this is so long. I’ve been holding a lot in for way too long. It just all poured out here.
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