This is wasting too much energy to have no returns...

[pipco]

Energy is important. We need it to eat and take care of ourselves and our families. So what do i do when i cant GET any?!

I chugged TWO 5hr energy drinks yesterday because I was determined to take my dog for a 5 block walk.

STILL had to force myself, and ended up passing on the shower I was going to take (you probably don't need to know how often I force a shower, but it's scheduled in advance) so I could try to get up enough energy to have sex with husband, who doesn't understand any of my emotions or lack of energy, but is almost infinitely patient with me.

I think nobody understands the depth of utter hopelessness I have. They all think I can "get better", but I can't.

I don't work, and husband makes barely enough to keep us in an apartment as long as he doesn't get sick himself. I stopped doing EVERYTHING in Sept '16 When my convenience store was raided on my shift and a cop pointed a gun at my face from 4 feet away. Nobody around me understands why I found this so traumatic, which makes me question myself too..

Now I have to get a job again, but I'm completely unskilled for anything BUT cashiering, which I DON'T think I can cope with anymore.

I can't afford therapy, haven't been on antidepressants since Lexapro was NEW, and if I remember, they just made me angry.

Nothing helps, and I couldn't afford it even if it COULD help. My teeth are down to nubs and almost constantly infected because I was a heavy meth addict, and I can't even be proud of my 15years of sobriety because I can barely chew which is debilitating to my emotions, which has me smoking so much weed I don't feel comfortable eating even CLOSE to what I should(smoking is very expensive!)-I feel so terrible taking food when I do nothing but smoke that I can't really get hungry anymore, and the gurgling in my stomach assures me I'm at least giving SOMETHING back to the man who does everything without knowing why.

Basically, there is no help, no hope, and I'll either be useless garbage until I die, or ..... something.

This was probably just a huge waste of energy too, because a sympathetic person on a computer somewhere still cannot help or give me hope, and all I did was bring someone else down too. I don't even know what I need because everything with even a possibility of help is just too expensive.

Like how getting my teeth all ripped out would stop the infections and all that pain, but I don't work, so we can't afford it, but if he gets a cavity, we need a dentist. Because HE works, and isn't worthless.

It is what it is, right?

Finding like-minded people might be a good thing for some, but all I see is that misery demands company, so here I am.

Misery incarnate.

Edit: no, not suicidal. I couldn't possibly do that to my mother, who is still alive, and expects me to be as long as she is, and my dog, who might not love me as much anymore, but is my only other reason for being here.

Edit2: my mother is NOT supportive. She has mild depression and says I need to get over it, and I'm just lazy. It breaks my heart to talk to her because I just want her to say she loves me no matter what, but without cancer or her deathbed, I don't think it's coming.

You can have her pic:

[hypercat54]

Hi are you feeling a bit better having got that off your chest? You have 3 things more than I do - a great partner, a mother, and a dog. They all love you.

I know this is only online and I can be a sympathetic stranger if you like and so can all of us on here but if you stay with us we can become online friends. Not only friends but we all get where you are coming from.

Many of us are surrounded by folk who don't understand about depression and anxiety so coming in here is a great release and we can express our deepest fears without the risk of being judged. We validate each other's experiences which has great value.

I guess from your post that you are not in the UK but possibly USA? I don't know how the system works there but we have others on the site who will and may be able to point you in the right direction to get some help. x

[pipco in reply to hypercat54]

I'm very sorry you felt the need to 1-up me. If it makes you feel better, my Mom told me on my birthday that she's "Done with" me, so no, she's not on my side; my husband is patient, but I'm positive it has more to do with him not wanting to be alone than his loving support for ME keeping him here.

My dog is wonderful, but sometimes I get frustrated and yell at her and then I feel like a monster.

It DID feel better to get that mess down somewhere, I'm the only one who talks to me about it until now.

On the other hand, I don't want friends... they want to "chat" all the time, and I just don't have the energy for all that. I'd prefer Social-Aquaintances-who-reply-with-kindness.

I've had so many people tell me to 'pull up my bootstraps' because I have all this and they don't, but the truth is, I feel like I have NOTHING, so it's just a cut against the validity of my feelings.

♡

[J760]

You are going through a rough time in your life right now and I feel for you. It must have been terrifying having the police point their gun at your face at such close range. I can understand why you are in the depths of depression with everything going on in your life right now.

You are right that you can’t get over this on your own. People who have not experienced depression usually have no idea how debilitating it can be. The good news is that with the right meds and therapy you can get better.

Since I live in the US, I can only tell you about the resources I know about in my country. First, I would contact your nearest Department of Health and Human Services as soon as possible. They will be able to assist you with getting medical and food assistance if you qualify. They should also be able to connect you to any local community services you are in need of and food banks you can go to. Many churches also have food banks you could inquire about as well.

Before you are able to work, you need to take care of your health. Please do not wait to seek assistance. If you get infection in your teeth and it’s not taken care of, the infection could possibly travel to your brain. If that happens, it could be life threatening. I don’t want to scare you, I want you to get the care you need to get healthy.

Once you are ready to look for work, you can contact your local workforce development for assistance in looking for a job. They have free classes, can help you with your resume, and might even be able to provide you with short term training for a new career.

Congratulations on being meth free for 15 years. However, I don’t see smoking weed as the answer to your pain because I have heard it can be a gateway drug. Some employers also do drug tests when hiring and randomly at times. Getting to a dentist and taking care of your teeth should help and should be a priority.

I’m glad you have the support of your mom, you husband, and your cute chihuahua. He looks like a cuddler! We are also here to provide support. I wish you the best and hope you get the help you need!

[pipco in reply to J760]

Thank you, I HAVE applied with my DHHS, and will call next week cause i havent heard back yet, and im not sure i qualify. Food banks in my area are pretty sad, and give weird stuff i wouldnt know what to do with... sometimes i go, but usually its too much work for crap i just give to my neighbors.

My teeth are terrible, yes, but until it's life-threatening, it'll stay as it is. I do what I can for them, and have so far been lucky enough to know people with old antibiotics to give me when they flame up... so far... hoping that application is approved!

Thank you for recognizing the work I've put in to stay crack-free, if not "sober"...

I'm not worried about the weed being illegal or a gateway to anything else cause I've done most of the anything else, and stay far away now to prevent relapse (it's still tempting-all that energy in that little line...). Weed is also legal in my state, and rightly so. I can't leave my house without being red-eye-blazed.

My Chihuahua Pipsqueak is the star of the show, and more than not, I get off my ass ONLY for her.

If not for her I'd probably have couch sores on my B-cheeks!

Seriously. She's my entire world. Thank you for loving her, that was the best part of your comment! ♡

[J760 in reply to pipco]

I’m glad your dog is such a comfort to you. I have a chihuahua Pomeranian mix and he is always there for me. I think dogs are a special gift from God because they love us unconditionally and give us comfort and joy.

[b1b1b1]

If you are in the US, here is a way to get free dental work. Go to any university that has a dental school. Make an appointment. A student dentist will perform the necessary work, but under the close supervision of a senior teaching dentist. They are very polite and will treat you with respect. Also, if you are able to be a cashier, I think there are other things you could also do ie. teacher's aid, salesperson in a smallish store, movie ticket seller etc.etc.

[pipco in reply to b1b1b1]

Dental schools in my area still charge or require insurance.

I've applied for my state's health assistance, but my sense of time is skewed and I don't know when I'm supposed to hear back about it (I'm calling next week).

The job im looking for would ideally NOT have customers at all-they're the reason everything happened and the more people around, the more paralyzed i feel. Especially since i need to find something i can do WITHOUT my dog watching out for me (she sees and smells problems i can't, like drunk people, and licks at me when i get upset). Service dog or not, nobody will hire a dog-carrying crazy person.

[pipco]

It is her favorite....she doesn't play with toys, but she will take it back from me and nibble on it if I take it and make it squeak.🤗

It's her baby, really... she had 2 litters before she came to me, and I think she misses having a baby. ❤

[MommyBro]

I don't know much about my local university dental school, but my impression is that they have a sliding fee scale. Of course that couldbe still be unaffordable defending on how they calculate things. Also, I think the local dental association in my area has an occasional day when their member dentists provide free or low cost services.

It might be unavailable or too late for you to use it, but my local district attorney's office has a Victims Witness Program which helps people such as yourself to assistance resources, sometimes even a little money.

I understand about wanting a job with no customers; I feel the same. Amazon is supposed to be building a distribution center near me; that might be the type of place I could work. But I worry about not being quick or accurate enough. Maybe a FedEx or UPS transfer center? But yes, even in Colorado most employers reserve the right to do random drug tests.

It might not feel like it but of course your dog loves you as much as ever. Do you have some little thing of his or associated with him that you could keep in your pocket as a sort of comfort item when you're not with him?

[pipco in reply to MommyBro]

Are you in Colorado? I'm in Oregon-wasn't sure if that shoulda been up there.. I'm going to have to look up that victim's witness program. The Main Event (cause it sounds so much less terrible that way, right?!) happened in Sept '16, and I know I'm too far out to seek any worker's compensation or related damages, so I'm interested to see what your thing is.

The job will ideally be low-stress above all-I basically haven't moved my body for a year, so im thinking call center or something, where i can talk to people over the phone (i can still be normal on a phone)...I'll probably end up taking whatever comes first, just to try...

The problem with my dog is that she's never liked toys or playing, really. She plays "Blanket Monster with Daddy" and bites husband through a blanket, but she's kinda vicious, and won't play with me like she's afraid to hurt me. It's sweet and sad all at once. She was really bad off before I got her. I think I've just gotten so low that she can't help but feel it and that's why she doesn't act as happy... like she's realising her efforts to cheer me up aren't working well enough...

That's why I'm trying to get up to give her walks-it's better than playing.

Maybe I could wear one of her LED collars on my wrist, so I can flip it on Blink when I get stressed....🤔♡

[MommyBro in reply to pipco]

One thing that does force me out of bed and out of the house is walking my daughter's dog. He won't stop pestering me until we go out, so I try to get it done early. I can't say I really enjoy it most days, but at least it forces me to get out and exercise. Poor doggy, he is very sensitive to moods too, and sometimes looks at me as if to say, "Just what do I have to do to make you happy, and to want to play with me?"

[Susan512]

I'm so sorry that you're feeling the way your feeling, I'm with you, at this point with my insurance I have to spend 6,000 dollars before I can be covered 80 percent, I'm holding back from going to the doctor, because it's so expensive and I can't work, and haven't work for a year now, my husband is ratified and we are on a fix income, I applied for disability and still waiting to see if I'm going to get it.....hmmm

[pipco in reply to Susan512]

I hope you get it. If you dont, make sure you spend like, 6,002 dollars, so you get that 80 percent off!!

I don't have any insurance, so everything has to come from husband's pocket.. 😔