Too much to list

Hi. Im new. I have ptsd, anxiety, depression and I believe codependency issues. I was sexually abused as a child, have a mother that has lied to me my whole life...found out why I was the blacksheep finally at 51 years old...I was born from an extramarital relationship...ran away from home and ended up pregnant and married at 16, married 2 more times to sexual wierdos, another time to a con man that took my career and every dime I had. Met a wonderful man that I left for the man I'm with now ....bad decision on that one..the man I chose cant communicate without labeling me, putting me down, and "kicking me out" and "needing a new woman". I am going to be 57 next month and simply dont have the strength or the means to start again. I have tried to end my life several times in my past but obviously I'm still here. I dont have any real friends. I hate being alone. I'm lost. Cant seem to stay connected to jesus. Drink to numb pain...not dependent on it so no, dont need AA. I am on the highest dose of effexor but still worry about everything!! I can't afford therapy...did it some but dont have the means to continue. Is there any free support groups in the area? Milwaukee/waukesha or?? I so need help to get strong emotionally and spiritually. I am scared. I am depressed. I am lost. I cant go on like this anymore. I am lonely.

14 Replies

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  • I am so sorry, I am too going through a rough time, it may be different, but something that helped me a lot was church community, you can look up in adaa.org, that is how I found about this, you are valuable and very important :)

  • I looked on aada but unsure..im in an area that didnt list much

  • Hey...I just read your story and its similar to what ive gone through too...so first off..know youre not alone..:) I too was sexually abused aged 7 through to 12 by a member of my family...I suffer from Chronic anxiety/panic, Depressive episodes (fighting that just now) Ptsd and also Co Dependency issues and in the last year to make matters worse Aspergers Syndrome...Its not uncommon to end up with a partner who also uses control/abuse of some kind...this has also happened to me...Its easy to tell u to leave but I know only to well its not that simple..I am 48 soon and have been in a relationship for 20yrs..I was pregnant aged 17 and had a lovely son, he also has Aspergers he was diagnosed aged 17...I believe what happens in childhood goes on to affect us badly and we don't even know it most of the time...I also feel lost and have had great difficulty forming relationships so also have no friends, isolation can be the worst, this is a good start for u, writing about your feelings will release some of the pain, I try to take one day at a time its all we can do..message me anytime if u need to talk....:) I hope this story helps u in some way, knowing there are others just like u....

  • You are a breath of fresh air. I so much would like to talk to you more

  • Thank u..Talk anytime...:)

  • Hey Sue. A big warm welcome to you! I am so very sorry to know that you are suffering however by joining this site you've taken a small step to healing. Also, this site has a forum entitled 'Heal My PTSD' ... they're a wonderful crowd of supportive people who know too well what it means to suffer from PTSD.

    Please post whenever you like even if it is only to vent ... ventinging is healthy 👌🌹

  • Thank you so much. It feels nice to see people are really there and do care. Blessings to everone on this site and the creators and maintainers of it. I know I'm on a long journey....hope I make it.

  • We all will...try to stay strong...:)

  • Do you struggle with relationships too? I always choose (and apparently attract) the wrong men. All I wanted was a real family and failed. My kids are grown now. My mother and I have never been close..not as far back as I can remember. She has told me she doesn't have maternal feelings. And after 50 years of life and at least 10 years of confronting her she came clean and told me I was born out of an affair she had with a married man. She passed me off as my fathers childforever. And always made me the blacksheep and I never knew why. Plus, I had to figure out as a young child that I was living with a stepdad..she refused to tell me who my real father was..I figured that out and had a great relationship with him even though we lived in different states...even took his last name after my last divorce. Then only to find out he wasnt my "real" father. Again, just too much!

  • Hi Sue 84,

    I’m sorry to hear all your troubles. I too have some of the same issues. I know it helps me to talk to people. I just don’t seem to be able to talk about depression with anyone I know . I too feel lonely. I have been on this site for a couple months and met some really nice people with similar problems. I have been in therapy and just can’t afford it. I stumble on a group therapy starting and decided to join. It really helped being with other people. The cost was very cheap. One by one everyone dropped out and there I was. I am also looking for a free support group. Have you tried the hospitals or churches? If you would like someone to talk to, I am a good listener. I too was sexually abused when I was 12 years old. I kept the secret for years, didn’t even tell the therapist . Take care , you are not alone.

    M

  • Do you struggle with relationships too? I always choose (and apparently attract) the wrong men. All I wanted was a real family and failed. My kids are grown now. My mother and I have never been close..not as far back as I can remember. She has told me she doesn't have maternal feelings. And after 50 years of life and at least 10 years of confronting her she came clean and told me I was born out of an affair she had with a married man. She passed me off as my fathers childforever. And always made me the blacksheep and I never knew why. Plus, I had to figure out as a young child that I was living with a stepdad..she refused to tell me who my real father was..I figured that out and had a great relationship with him even though we lived in different states...even took his last name after my last divorce. Then only to find out he wasnt my "real" father. Again, just too much!

  • Hi Sue 84,

    I’m so sorry for you. Some of your issues you cannot control. You must have quite a mixture of emotions but remember you are not alone. It’s unbelivable how many people are on this sight reaching out to someone. I don’t know anyone who had an ideal childhood but I know that my abusive childhood has given me my depression today. Even though a friend got me into therapy in my twenties. My issues were all addressed and talked about. You asked me about relation ship problems. I have been married a long time, kids are grown and married. A few of their kids are married and have kids. One of the best things for me is to talk and listen, I have always been a good listener, so if you like to talk, I am here. Hope to here from you

  • I know your pain I have my good days and my bad days a lot of my anxiety attacks I thought were heart attacks in the beginning because of the physical symptoms I was always having (heart pounding, dizzy, impending doom feeling, breathing difficulty) but after years of having them and talking to doctors and therapists I realize now when I have them they are just anxiety attacks but they can be very scary for sure if you don't know what it is in the beginning. I hate taking RX meds too so it's a double edge sword, I feel like I trade one problem for another when I take the pills the doctors give me and all the side effects that come with them. To be honest I have been using medical marijuana for the last few years and I feel it really helps me and doesn't have near as many bad side effects. I know it might sound crazy but look into it and try a sativa strain it really helps with mood, anxiety and depression. But use a low does if you never tried it before

  • Hi Sue, you are not alone, and you can chat here about your problems anytime, or message me anytime. Your story moved me. I haven't disclosed too much about my past history here, but I have struggled with relationships also, and sexual abuse from when I was young. I have a schizophrenic Mom who married 3 brothers. One after the other, all who were alcoholics. My father was the 2nd one. I was given to an aunt to raise me when I was just a baby. I'm kind of at a loss as to where to keep going. I have 6 siblings.

    I had my first child at age 16, 2nd at 19, and 3rd at 22. My 2 first children have the same father. I ended up in many relationships with men until I met my husband now. We have been married for 27 years, but it hasn't been without struggle. I'm at a point now where I feel like he is mental abusive. I was stronger when I was younger, but my mind can't hardly take it anymore. I always figured that I would be able to start a new career and live my own life once the kids were raised, but here I am 53 years old. The only thing I know is working with my husband, but it's killing me. I am with him 24/7. I feel like I'm to old to start over.

    I can't afford counseling, or dr.'s.

    I found a support group which I attended while off work which did help. I haven't been in 2 weeks because of work.

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