I don't know where to begin...

[Indoorsman]

I would have to say I have been struggling with depression and anxiety for over 15 years and have never looked for help. I recently reached out for some help and just getting to this point has been so hard. I am an introvert that doesn't like to talk, even writing this post is incredibly difficult for me to get through. I am not sure what to even write here to help. I have no friends, no job, no money, and if it wasn't for my amazing wife I would be homeless. My depression is now at a point where I can't snap out of it, I have been using my wife as a support and she can't handle my moods anymore (I don't blame her at all). She was the only one I could turn to but now I feel like I can't talk to her anymore without the fear of losing her too.

I spent over 15 years trying to be a web developer because I thought that was going to be an amazing career, boy was I wrong. It seems to have been great for a lot of people but not so much for me. Now I can't seem to get a job coding, other jobs around here might as well be free labor because the cost of living is so high, rent is almost $2k for a one bedroom apartment. I feel like I've just wasted all that time and have absolutely ZERO to show for it. I am missing so much in life because of all this and I don't see a way out. It's not like I can just go learn a new skill either, anything worth it is going to take too long to get going. Either that or the work involved is too exhausting and causes my migraine headaches to flair up, which means I cannot work at all, completely debilitated.

I don't want to live like this anymore but at this point the sadness has become comfortable. The pain has turned to numbness and I walk around like a zombie cleaning house, and trying to practice my skills as a web developer. I don't know why though, it all just seems like a waste of time and the world has no need for me. I have even tried to help other people with a struggling business for free, hoping it would turn up something for me, just for them to be like thanks for the help, peace.

I hope everyone has a great day and doesn't have to feel like a waste and a burden to others.

[samack]

Welcome Indoorsman. You've been through a lot, for a long time. You reached out for help, that is a major breakthrough. It will get easier to talk. Be sure to get a medication evaluation by a psychiatrist. This will really move things along. Expanding your support network here will also be helpful. Work is such a huge factor in our lives. Not having enough money is real. Far from me to say, as I've had s messed u p career myself. I even went to get myself a ph.d which I never found work with. Lately I got myself a health insurance licensure; the research indicated a good job outlook, well finding a job posting is like mining for diamonds.

Maybe when you're feeling more stable, you can get assistance with this too.

The world has a need for you. (Don't know about me ). 🙃 I'm in a deep depression myself and and know those low worthless feelings. We will get through to the other side with good self care.

[Indoorsman in reply to samack]

Thank you for taking the time to reach out to me. I start taking medication today but I don't get a chance to actually talk to anyone till September (that's when my appointment is). I know it's going to take about a month for the stuff to actually start working. Do you find that even after you take your medication that you are still having long bouts of depression?

[samack in reply to Indoorsman]

There are so many meds, which one did they start you with? One step at a time. The right meds are crucial and you will feel better. Therapy alongside meds will get you where you you want to be.

[Indoorsman in reply to samack]

I'm not sure what the meds are called, as soon as the names go in my ear there is almost no hope of remembering them but as soon as they come in the mail I will let you know.

[Livelydively]

Welcome! A lot of companies are hiring for virtual positions right now so it might be beneficial to look nation wide and get your resume out there. Also, a lot of therapist are doing virtual appointments and I find them a lot easier to do than in person. I get anxiety about talking about my anxiety. I feel more in control virtually.

As for your wife, she probably feels helpless and wants to help but doesn't know how. That is how I felt when my husband had a pretty severe depressive episode. We started doing little things together like going on walks. We get comfortable feeling uncomfortable and it takes time to get out of that. Be patient with yourself. Set reasonable short term goals.

I hope you find something that brings you comfort.

[Indoorsman in reply to Livelydively]

Thanks for reaching out. I do have a an appointment to see a doctor in September and started my medication today so at least I am getting things moving. As for applying for jobs remotely I do need to look more into that. It's unfortunate that the long hiring process for developers also makes this task fairly difficult. Companies want you to spend A LOT of time showing them you know how to code and ask super complicated questions that you might use .01% of the time you write any code. Then after you went through all that they ghost you with no information as to what you could have done better. The process can be pretty defeating and tough to do over and over again to maybe get a good result. I do acknowledge that it is a numbers game, it's just difficult to put in the numbers when each company wants soo much investment from an individual.

[samack]

The job market is tough with so many pre-qualifications.

[FantasyLife]

Hi Well I want to say one thing if you don't do it now then you are still going to regret it later or you are still wasting time

I know the feeling of depression u feel like u don't bother livin' life,u r just there, but maybe for a change just surfing for new things to get a new perspective of things and start a new skill not for money but for mindfulness like cooking or art or writing like that then u will be distracted from those thoughts for a while

And as for coding .. I know everyone is learning from net but maybe for a start a youtube channel for Beginners or teaching offline just an idea there r so many ways to do something you know the best 😁 mainly be positive whenever a negative thought occurs say oposite to that u will feel weird at first but it'll be great later..

Smile no matter wat the situation just because we look best when we smile 😁

[catch_the_music]

Hi there. Sounds like you need a big dose of encouragement. I get my encouragement from people at church. We formed a small group that meets once a week - many times online. There we read over encouraging Bible topics and pray for each other. Prayer is the most encouraging thing to do! The other thing I do is listen to praise music on stations like KLOVE. I find songs that I like and then look up the lyrics - to focus on. Really helps to put me in a better mindset. For your career choices - talk to a job counselor. There are so many different job types in IT these days. There is sure to be something you would like. Prayers for you! God Bless!

[FantasyLife]

hi just wanted to check in how are you? how is it going for you?