I just want to be done!

[Missnoname]

I suppose I'm here just to rant, or seek company in misery, as nothing, NOTHING seems to help. I have been to hundreds of websites, I'm on medication and have been for years. I have struggled with depression and anxiety for over 20 years, but it only gets worse. Every time I think it's as bad as it can get.... It gets so much worse! And I'm tired, literally exhausted. What am I fighting for anymore? I'm a single mom with 2 small children. People say they are your reason to fight. But I can barely find the strength to get out of bed, I can't keep myself awake for more than 4 hours. I can't do anything with them and I have mood swings... I yell too much... They would be so much better off without me. The last 2 years I have lost multiple jobs... Every time I get a new one it seems great, then it's downsized, dept closed, whatever...i can't even afford to do anything for them. It's been an absolute spiral down for. 2 years and I can't do anything anymore. I just slept for 24 hours and this isn't uncommon (kids are with their father). I love them so much and I'm just ruining them. This isn't the mother I want to be and they deserve so much better. I can't try to live like this anymore. I'm fucking exhausted, I don't have any fight left.

[Michael8072]

Stay strong. Take things one day at a time. Your kids need you as their mom! Vent to us here whenever you need to. We're all here for each other. Your not alone with your depression. Just continue to fight.

[Hidden]

If you were a bad mother you would not have put yourself through all that to help improve yourself for your kids. You are a good mother.

[Strongheartforever]

It’s ok to be overwhelmed. It’s understandable. Please don’t give up. Your standards for yourself are too high. Be ok with being human. Be ok with life being messy and broken and not how we thought it would be. Life breaks down when change is necessary. It hurts so bad. Then heals and is better than before, in a way it never could have been without the breakdown. You are at a breaking point. Respect the pain. It’s a signal that change must occur and growth must occur. The earth is shaking under you, when it stops you’ll be in a better place. Your hormones may be going nuts if you’re in your thirties. Can you get your hormone levels checked and get BHRT? It saved me from hormonal depression. You may be estrogen-dominant. Research that. You’ll see all the symptoms you have. You can get balanced and feel good again. ForeverHealth.com.

[Missnoname in reply to Strongheartforever]

I wish I could, but quite frankly, without health insurance I can hardly afford a doctors visit. 95% of the time I just don't show up anyways, because I can't get out of bed and get dressed.

[Hidden in reply to Strongheartforever]

I read you studied philosophy. Have you studied Socratic reasoning?

[Strongheartforever in reply to Hidden]

Yes. Most of my studies were in Buddhism and Zen. There were several professors at my college specifically teaching Eastern religion. The biggest lessons I took were: Embrace change. Be willing to take a loss. Ego is pain. There are many paths to God. Chaos of the mind becomes chaos in the world. Be still to let chaos settle, then clarity comes.

[Hidden in reply to Strongheartforever]

I only asked because a lot of my old self help books for panic disorder and agoraphobia make reference to it and it’s methods. I thought it was something they made up for the book. These books date back to 1995 to 2000.

[Strongheartforever]

I understand. I don’t have health insurance. This will save you. You may be drowning in estrogen. It’s a deep dark place. Look up pmdd. It brings women like us to our knees. There’s a cure for this. Anti depressants don’t work. They are a band aid. This is the best info I can give you from my personal experience with what you are feeling. It gets darker and deeper like quicksand. You need your ex to get you to a doctor who can balance your hormones.

[Missnoname]

I did some googling. I'm going to look into it further. Thanks for the advice. Anything is worth a try, because the solution definitely isn't coming from within. I'm 38 years old and I feel like my life is over! I literally feel like I'm waiting to die. I feel absolutely horrible every moment of every day and I have not one single diagnosed physical condition. According to my doc I'm 100% healthy, but I can't do simple things that everyone does. And no matter how much I sleep I never, ever feel awake. I have no quality of life at all and I can't deal with it anymore.

[Strongheartforever]

Your hormones are fluctuating, you are peri menopausal. You need to find a very specific place near you. It’s called a compounding pharmacy. Call them or go on their website. They work with doctors and nurses who prescribe BHRT. They can direct you to a good one. Peri menopause is brutal. Deadly. It destroys women, therefore it destroys families. It’s why I’m here now. I came to this forum in January kind of where you are now, hanging on by my fingernails. Learned about pmdd. Got to a compounding pharmacy, doctor, blood drawn, labs looked at, BHRT prescribed, and I’m whole again. Read “Ageless” by Somers. Gia Allemunde foundation. Carol Vorderman’s story. Tackle this head on. This transition is not easy and takes years. You have no choice but to get balanced! First assignment: find a compounding pharmacy. Message me anytime and I’ll help you every step of the way.

[Strongheartforever in reply to Strongheartforever]

p.s. most doctors are BEYOND clueless about this. There’s a new kind of healing called “Functional Medicine”. This is where we are headed for real help. When a doc tells you you are 100% ok, after they’ve heard how you’re feeling, you need to find a new doctor! I’ve heard this so many times. These docs are not taught about BHRT, peri menopause, estrogen-dominance or hormone-imbalance. That’s why you must find a compounding pharmacy. It’s like the Holy Grail. It’s a treasure trove of health and healing and hope!!!

[Missnoname in reply to Strongheartforever]

Yes, I live in a small town and unfortunately run of the mill GPs is about the only option. It took my friend 7 years to be diagnosed with Lyme because everyone kept telling her there was nothing wrong with her besides anxiety. Anyhow, I've been reading since you mentioned it. I'm sort of considering just trying one of the progesterone creams in the meantime while I look for a decent doc. Although, my gyn and I are pretty close and she's pretty open minded... I might ask for some input from her. I just don't think of her first bc I so rarely see her.

[Strongheartforever in reply to Missnoname]

I tried natural progesterone cream bought over the counter at the health food store. It’s no good. I wish it were. You need good quality progesterone in olive oil, in a pill, that you take at night. And a little testosterone cream that you rub into your wrists and upper inner arms in the morning. And Vitex (Chaste tree berry extract). And love and support. And a break from your misery. Take 200mgs of Vitex every day. Eat fresh greens. Take a day trip out of town. Each of these will give you a lift. Make a date with a girlfriend and spend the day together. I’ll just keep piling on all the advice I can. We are with you on this path. Take concrete action. Explain the hormonal fluctuations to your ex and get support. Wishing you freedom from suffering.

[Missnoname in reply to Missnoname]

I'll be thrilled if I can go to the grocery store without putting it off for 3 days. I have often wondered how often people are diagnosed with depression, anxiety, etc; and actually have an undiagnosed underlying health condition. I'm still reluctant to get my hopes up but it's worth a shot. I know I have clinical depression, but these have never been classic symptoms for me. It's easy for docs to write off anything as depression when you have a history and they don't have any obvious physiological cause to point to.

[Strongheartforever]

You can mail in your blood to a good lab that’s far from you. They’ll send you a kit. I’ll look into this further. I know it’s hoops to jump through and can seem daunting but so worth it. Hopefully your gyno can steer you toward BHRT somehow.

[Cathy63]

I've been where you are now. What got me through was living one day at a time, therapy, and the maximum dosage of Zoloft. Where I live there are free therapists and therapists who work on a sliding scale which is what I did. I raised my three kids by myself so I know how hard it is to raise kids while depressed. They have had it too. It runs in families which you might already know. My kids are now adults and doing well. My depression is mild and I manage it myself with St. John's Wort, qigong, and the support of this group. Hang in there. One day at a time. Have you ever seen the show One Day at a Time (from the 70s, about a single mother)? I love it. Watching funny things helps too. Laughter is great medicine!