I'm so sad and depressed, and there really is no help unless you have tons of money to pay for it.

I miss so many people who are gone from my life. My beautiful grandparents have all passed away. Both of my godparents are dead now, one committed suicide. So many fair weather friends who have walked away from me when I become too intense, like now. I don't want to see another stupid therapist, it's like paying someone to pretend to care and be your friend. I'm so alone and my life is trash. I should have died a long time ago, I've made two serious suicide attempts in the past. I just don't have the nerve to get a gun, I hate gun violence. I know my stupid post might get flagged because I alluded to that, it really doesn't matter to me anymore. I stupidly fell in love with a guy who was my case manager a few years ago because he saved me from making another suicide attempt. I had known him for three years prior to that happening, I was going through a lot in my life and he really helped me through it. Now he split on me. And I know it's wrong. I knew he was married and had a young daughter and I don't know why I'm such a mess over him. When someone saves your life, you just feel grateful. But I guess we became too close, I may have been the reason he switched jobs and I just can't get over the whole damn thing. I never get anywhere in life, anywhere!!!! No one wants to be around me, I'm too much of a downer, I just repel people. I have not held a job in so long and no one wants you if you don't work. I don't even have a car anymore. How can I even get to work without having a car to get me there? Of course now a lot of people are working from home. They all know tons of stuff about computers. I'm sick of computers and no one wants to take the time to help you learn things on them. It's all get a book and learn it yourself or watch YouTube tutorials. I hate the world I live in. I walk everywhere, I have to. It's nerve-wracking crossing busy streets where busy people in their cars just want to run you over. And I have an ex boyfriend that I wish WOULD leave me and he won't and he just gets on my nerves. He just whines a lot of the time but won't get off of his broke ass. I can't be there for him anymore. I NEED to get a job but I can't tolerate working in a fast food factory like McDonalds. I know I probably sound like I'm whining too but there is a big difference between me and him. I really want to be some kind of writer, but that means pecking away on a computer. I like to write things out on paper. I like to write poems and I try to write songs. I'm very artistic and creative. But I'm getting nowhere fast. And so much for Christmas. I need a job and a car and my own apartment again, not another sweater. And I really want to get married again, that may never happen. I wish I was a totally different person. I get hurt too easily, I need to be tough and I think in some ways I am but to my dad I'm a sensitive crybaby. He thinks he's so cool because he was in the army. He's lucky he never got deployed overseas and REALLY had to fight in a war. He's a narcissist who will never understand me and I'm SO done with his snarky comments and he will never change and I'm not changing for him. He had 3 daughters and I think he's just disappointed we aren't sons. Wish he would drop dead. He's a mean, bitter old man. I don't want to go on anymore. My parents have money, but I don't. I'm tired of being a charity case, but I have lost my sense of direction. I just wander around hoping cars don't hit me. I'm just one step above being completely homeless. I wanted so much more out of my life than this. And the pandemic is just the icing on the cake. I wish I had better days and some real friends who don't let me down. But there's no one.

[Marysblue]

Ive felt the same way but things can and will get better. Everyone goes through tough times. This whole year has been one. Try to focus on and maybe write down a few goals to try to get what you want. And write down some steps even just baby steps of getting that goal. I heard that a goal without steps is just a wish. I've been through a lot of really hard times and it's not easy. Tough times can make you stronger, and force you to call on a greater power for help. I would keep looking for a therapist there are some free ones. I found one thats a counseling student by calling my States 211 number. Hope things ease up for you soon.

[Hidden]

What happened in such a short period of time. Your outlook was much brighter several days ago, but I also understand depression isn’t linear, some days are worst than others, etc.

I don’t have any helpful advice as you have described quite a lot of circumstances piled right on top of each other. Your thoughts seem overwhelming as processing things when they are hitting you at your core like it is is extremely difficult. I do hope that there’s a way for you to improve your circumstances. I presume looking for stable living environment would be first priority. A job is a job, you need a means to an end for now. Hope for a lift from the dark muck you are in, there’s strength with in you, hopefully you’ll harness some of that power when things in your mind settle down. 🌺💜

edit. 211 is a great resource. It can connect you with many social services like housing, mental health, food, employment, bill paying assistance, etc.

[EllaAlexandra]

I agree with Marysblue. Write down the goals you want to achieve and the actions that will get you closer to those goals. Then start to execute. You may have to work at mcdonalds for a while to eventually get to where you want to get. Focus on being good and kind to yourself!

[Hidden]

Hi there👋I'm sorry that things are tough. I hope it helped to write it out. I like Marysblye's idea of writing out goals. I also want to suggest writing out all your circumstances and, next to them, put whether you can control them or not. For example, you cannot control the world you live in, busy streets with drivers who want to run you over, your dad and his mindset, etc.

I know that a lot of my stress comes from overthinking (and to make matters worse, lots of that overthinking is of things I can't control).

I hope better days are around the corner for you.🙂

[EllaAlexandra]

If I read this as advice to me, I like it in a way. Particularly the 'regularly'. It feels empowering. I have to do my part and keep on going. I have to decide for myself that I m good enough and put in the effort. Thank you!