My wounds haven't healed

[vanessi]

I'm having so much anxiety at the moment. No matter how much I've tried, i can't get better.

My life is a mess, I am a mess. I try not to think about it! But then when I go to bed I think of many things. I am so heartbroken and time hasn't healed my wounds. Right now I'm crying and I don't wanna regret and blame myself for what could happen or not. I've simply had enough. People around me is already tired of listening to the same story about my ex relationship. I have enough too but I wonder why I can't just forget about it and continue with my life.

There is no day I don't think about him. I haven't stopped loving him and I will never do it. I feel he is the love of my life but we cannot be together anymore, never again. I wish I could block all my thoughts and feelings but I can't. I know I am never gonna love anyone with the same pure love I have for this man.

I'm just tired that no one has really loved me, I don't feel loved by anyone and I think if I disappeared no one would notice.

I'm so hurt and I don't want to do anything with men. Everybody has asked me why he? Why he was so special, why he was the love of my life... I just don't know. We don't choose we love, he was only the light of my life and I dreamt to be his wife and have a family with him.

When you love everything of a person. The fact he was messy and lazy and forgetful, and then there is a voice in your head that says he is the one and you wanna spend the rest of your life with him. Then it says marry him.

I don't wanna bring these kind of things up anymore but I don't have anyone to talk to. People is very sick of this situation. But I haven't recovered at all. I have a pain in my heart right now and I'd love to take the first plane that takes me very far away from here, but at the same time I'm very afraid of the future. No matter where I go, this is going to follow me wherever I am at! And I'll be alone without my family and friends. I'm very very scared, I think I should be more brave and start doing things but I don't believe in myself anymore, I stopped believing long time ago.

I thought i had a big pain when my ex, the one before this one, left me. And I just knew he has a gf already and I thought when this day came I wouldn't stand it! But I did. I really hope he is happy. I don't know what will happen when I find out my ex, the new one, find another woman.

I see happy people around me, happy couples and I just wanna die. My life is horrible and I don't know what to do to change this. Don't all we deserve to love and be loved?

When he asked what was gonna happen when he is 50 my answer was "nothing" because I was gonna love him with the same intensity. I always told him I was the only one who would stay at his side in the worst moments, and didn't care if we had money or not. If we lived in a small place, if we ate just twice at day, if we couldn't travel or spend nights out, I was gonna stay. He didn't understand even if he had a disease I would stay, because that is love for me. Unfortunately he didn't wanna give me that chance.

I haven't done anything wrong but I can't, I cannot stand this sorrow anymore. I'm sorry guys. You all have been very nice and helpful and I have followed your advice but I don't know what else to do. One of my best friends said I need to change my life in a 100% but I'm scared

[Clarebear86]

Hi, I don’t blame you for being scared. This is a horrible place to be. I know. How are you doing? Have you been to see your doctor to talk about these issues and feelings?

[vanessi in reply to Clarebear86]

Yes but I can't recover. This is really taking the best of me. I'm so depressed. My problem is love. Love is one of the most important things but I can't feel love for any man. Because there is one who has my pure love but he doesn't want it. I never was so happy in my life. My eyes shined and my smile was every day there with me.

I wanna change my life but I'm scared. I feel so weak and heartbroken and confused. Sometimes I'd love to die

[vanessi in reply to vanessi]

Sometimes I just need a hug and someone that says things will be ok. I miss sleep in someone's chest, wake up next to him and eat together. Dance and drink with him, go cycling, taking pictures, laugh at everything.

Am i asking something impossible? No, i just wanted him as my husband and be with him all my life. I feel so lonely and confused and very sad. Not all have the same luck with love

[gogogirl in reply to vanessi]

Remember there are different kinds of love- like what you mentioned- family and friends.

[charlie198 in reply to vanessi]

HI MY NAME IS CARLOS I FELT LIKE THIS FOR MANY YEARS. ITS REALLY HARD TO MOVE ON. I THOUGHT IT WAS GOINT TO END EASY BUT IT NEVER DOES.IT IT MAKES U FEEL BETTER, I LOVE YOU. IT MADE ME FEEL BETTER .

THANKS

[CazO46]

Hi vanessi, I'm sorry you are in so much pain and miss your partner deeply. You are clearly someone with a lot of passion, commitment and love to give. As well as loving someone else that deeply could you direct some of that love towards yourself ? You deserve to look after yourself as well as look after other people, take care .

[vanessi in reply to CazO46]

I'm trying and I'm not interested in giving my love to someone, I just want to find that peace again and get it back. I have had a terrible night. I couldn't sleep so much

[CazO46 in reply to vanessi]

I'm not surprised you are having trouble sleeping, I hope that peace comes to you soon and happiness finds its way back to you

[vanessi in reply to CazO46]

Thank you

[gogogirl in reply to vanessi]

Have you tried to apply to VIP KIDS?

[vanessi in reply to gogogirl]

No yet. I've been busy with some stuff

[gogogirl in reply to vanessi]

It would be interesting to see if that was a match unless of course you have found something else. The best to you.

[Clarebear86]

You will find it again. I thought I would never feel anything or the way I did for some time. But it is there and it does happen. Sometimes in the most unlikely of places it can just find you

[vanessi in reply to Clarebear86]

But I'm afraid that I'm not gonna take the same risks and dedication again for anyone. I've had so much already and I'm not gonna stand this for anyone never again. I just won't give my heart. I can't

[svictoreq]

Hey Vanessi, my name is Victor, and I'm going through a similar situation, and I just wanna tell you that it's really tough to be in this kind of situation, but you said it before, you thought that you wouldn't be able to stand that your former couple had a partner, but you actually surprised yourself when you realized that you actually could. The fact that you're sharing your feelings and seeking for help at this time, just proves that you're a brave person, and I know that I don't know you face to face, but this couple of words that you've posted, make me admire you, because even though you're going through a really hard moment in your life, you're not giving up, you're fighting to recover that peace, and I can ensure you that even when this looks so dark and difficult, you'll find the exit, you'll get through this situation, and you will be okay, you'll stand firm, and you will move on. Because you have the spirit of a warrior, so don't let the circumstances make you forget that. If you need to talk, you can talk to me, that's what we're here for. So, I hope you keep this in your mind. You deserve to be loved, don't doubt about it. Take care...

[vanessi]

Thank you. Actually was not my recent ex bf who is with someone else already, is one before the the recent one.

Thank you for your words, I woke up feeling very bad and had nightmares. Definitely not the best night ever.

I'm sorry I just hate Sundays because this was the day when my ex and I enjoy all day together and did many things just me and him no friends, no family, just both of you. The big issue is my love hasn't changed and still think about him and love him a lot. Too bad everything is over

[gogogirl]

How is everything else going - your living situation, etc?

[vanessi in reply to gogogirl]

Well, I don't know. Still feel very bad as I said on my post. I'm not the same girl and i won't be. The only thing I worry about is my future and where and when I will move.

[gogogirl in reply to vanessi]

I hope applying to VIP KIDS helps you with your future. None of us are the same- it's part of life. Remember any life that you are not living is not real. Sometimes it takes time to digest this. I remember going through changes myself - some unexpected like an accident. Reaching out to ya. Finally no snow today!

[vanessi in reply to gogogirl]

I applied earlier but it seems I'll be in a pool of participants so they will send me an email back in the case I can apply. I actually doubt o can because in the form online says things about US and Canada and some kind of diplomas from school over there or if I am an American or Canadian resident. As always never get opportunities to grow as a professional. I'm tired of my luck and my life

[gogogirl in reply to vanessi]

Well then VIP KIDS is missing a highly qualified professional. It's good you applied though - perhaps if you keep on them you could be a pioneer- who knows? Also, is there a possibility of getting more work through the university you attended which I assume is near were you live? You sound highly intelligent, and I am hoping that you get more work soon.

[vanessi in reply to gogogirl]

Yes it'a very near but I prefer not to get involve again with the university I attended to. People from there: professors, ex classmates, people who work there will ask me about me and about Ireland because so many people knew about me and my ex relationship and that I moved to Ireland. I don't wanna talk about that and also because i don't trust them.

I've sent some cvs today, fingers crossed. Let's see if I receive an email from VIP Kids.

I also was asked today if I can give private tutorships so maybe that can work too to earn more money and start saving. I really need it to move abroad

[schrodingercat]

I'm so sorry you're going through all this. It's already a brave step to put all your feelings into words, and especially to share those words with others. I just hope it helps you some ^^

Even though I don't fully understand everything you're suffering right now, I can definitely relate to what you said about thinking no one would really notice if you disappeared. Sometimes just making it from day to day is so heavy, and it seems so much easier to just...fade away.

I don't want to make presumptions about your family and life, but you've mentioned friends with whom you talk about this sometimes. I promise you, they care about you, they love you, and they would miss you so much. The community here on HealthUnlocked would miss you. The children at the school where you teach would miss you. Every person has a much farther-reaching impact than they know. I promise, even if they're bad showing it, there are people who love and care about you.

Please stay strong! ^^

[vanessi in reply to schrodingercat]

Thank you so much for your words. The last few months have been very tough for me. Still hurts me a lot the breakup. My levels of anxiety are so high and is taking me a lot to get some sleep

[schrodingercat in reply to vanessi]

I definitely relate to the anxiety! And do please remember that it's okay to cry, it's okay to let out your emotions, and there are some really helpful grounding techniques if you start to enter a panic attack, like rhythmic tapping, manually breathing slowly, or focusing on your senses.

Stay strong! ^^

[Imakook]

Hi Vanessa(i)?,

I can relate to that "true love" you feel for your ex and the intense pain a love that deep creates.

I was younger than you, (15 when I met him) and he was 17. Never before & never since have I felt romantic love on that level. We were together 2 to 3 years. The first time he left me in my small home town devastated me! Earth shattering! The loss was too much to bear! But, I somehow lived to see him again...and again...and again...one way or another one of us (sometimes both) would end up in jail. As you can imagine, we were pretty immature, so you & your ex definitely had more maturity. It never would have mattered though...and I hope you're not going to be angry with me...because you were only to be lovers & friends. I know you don't see it that way, sweetie. One day it will be so crystal clear that you will want to punch yourself in the face! (just kidding!!)

Back to my "One True Love", who eventually ended up doing a few years in a federal prison. This was the ONLY WAY I found myself able to detach. He had this hold on me, you see. By thiv s time I was almost 18 & pregnant. He actually wanted to name our son "Lance Lucifer". He thought it would be cool to name him after satan (what scared me was that maybe he believed it was his duty). Anyway, I ignored his request. I only went to see him once in prison. He was really pissed! I knew that together we may both end up dead .

I moved on immediately with someone else, whom I was with (we eventually got married) for 16 years & 2 more children. This was a "safer" relationship (although we both pulled each other back j back into drugs & alcohol; not sure how much safer) & a friend was there when we spotted each other across the dance floor. There were some intense feelings and my friend later said that she's never seen that moment of "Love at first sight" before or since.

He ended up having terminal cancer at a young age and, after a lengthy struggle (during which we tried to make the most out of life) he passed away.

That made 2 deep & meaningful relationships. You would probably think, "There's not another Ying to her Yang", right? But, my friends, "As long as there's breath, there's hope."

2-1/2 years and one FINALLY sober hippie-chick later comes the latest and greatest of all! My husband & I have been married 21 years after dating for 2 years. We are opposite people in many respects but have similar values, interests & goals. For the first time I didn't have to go to the food shelf. I am so grateful it was always there when I needed it. But you can't even imagine the security & relief I felt knowing with certainty that the utilities were not going to be shut off and we'd most likely always have food. It's called a partnership & we've had to work very hard at it. I'm so, so grateful that life unfolded the way it did for me & my family. What I did was totally concentrate on ME & once I found a love for myself I also learned what was most important to me. Sobriety, Family & Friends.

We are not rich, but we are hard working & lucky we found each other with enough time to work toward a goal

briety, destiny gave us healthy minds & bodies to keep decent jobs so that we COULD some day retire. Arthritis took me down, but I just get to retire early because of it. I could not have kept up with mental & physical therapies if I also had to work.

In conclusion, ....you will ALWAYS feel a deep cramp, pain or sadness similar to nostalgia when you think of the "couple that was". It will hurt you & confuse you. It will steamroller over you. It will punch you it the "breadbox" & suck the air right out of your sternum (that's right..I said sternum! I TOLD you it confuses!)

You may not believe this right now, but I'm a LOT older & lots wiser as well. The fact that you are no longer a couple means a great deal. You were definitely meant to have a relationship, but first it will hopefully be with yourself. Eventually Destiny will reveal itself to you in your Higher Power's time frame. Not in Vanessa's. I loved my oldest son's father with all my being. I loved my late husband completely and without reservation. I love my husband in a very pure and confident way. It is a partnership with responsibilities to each other and to family. Our marriage is based in Trust. That is only possible due to the fact that we have become truly honest & helpful people. But we swam through sewers and hell to get to this very moment. Keep letting us know how you're doing