I'm never ok and I won't be

[vanessi]

Hello, I've been absent from here because I wanted to take a break, still want to. I only want to say that I don't feel better, every day I feel worse no matter how much I try. I'm very alone and depressed.

When I feel I can get better the nostalgia invades my soul remembering how happy I was.

Such a terrible year for me since the very start in January. I've lost my hope and my light.

My niece and nephew came over for a couple of days to visit and now they are gone I feel quite sad.

I've been thinking about my future and where I'm gonna move but still don't know. I got another job too. I have 2 jobs now but only work on Saturday two hours. Not enough to save money and move. I'm very worried and concerned cos my mother doesn't want me at home anymore since she reconciled with my dad. I don't wanna be here anymore but I'm afraid this depression follows me wherever I'll go and then ruin things.

I miss my ex so much and I can't stop thinking about him, about the happy life I wanted for us, and the family I wanted to have with him. I see happy people around me. My cousin hasn't stopped talking about how happy she is with her family and her husband. I don't get jealous, it just makes me feel bad.

Who is gonna love me then? If I have given my heart to people who don't care about me.

I'd like to be like my second ex bf, the one before the man I am here for. He is Irish too but he always told me people is mean and you need to be mean to everybody, I admire him he doesn't care about the feelings of others and seems to be unbreakable

If i had only listened to him of what he said to me about not giving my heart to someone you think you know and you think they love you, I wouldn't be so depressed. Anyway seems this pain is increasing and I feel worse than ever.

Hope everybody is ok!!! I just wanted to update my miserable life.

Ps. I have always though we need to be kind and brave and good things will come to our life. But I have realised people don't care about kindness at all.

[b1b1b1]

I am sorry you are still feeling so badly, however I am not surprised. Being rejected by someone you love is a huge loss. Any huge loss can take a long time to get over. I don't know an exact time frame to get over it, just that it may be quite a while. Eventually you will recover. In the meantime try to be as busy as possible and also try some new things. New experiences can be more distracting than the things you routinely do. For example can you try a new sport, or a new hobby.

[vanessi in reply to b1b1b1]

I have tried everything unfortunately without success. I'd like to take a plane and go somewhere very far away and get lost

[gogogirl]

You got another job- congratulations! Is it also in education?

[vanessi in reply to gogogirl]

Yes, it is

[gogogirl in reply to vanessi]

Would you like to talk about your new new job?

[vanessi in reply to gogogirl]

Well it's not a big thing. Just 2 hours on Saturday. Helping to teenagers with the English subject in a high school. I'm not the teacher I'm like a counselor. That's it

[gogogirl in reply to vanessi]

Good for you- sounds like you are a very talented and special person.

[Hidden in reply to vanessi]

ya.....prob dont make a difference..........to the shy kid or farm kid lke me once.......sitting in the back..........need help to read........all awkaward ...whod not scream at me or lke me or not get mad............but then............soomeone like u..............notice kids nobody wants....

ya probably dont change their life the rest of their life.....helping them read...or find a good book they could learn to love ***** english instead of uky english literature........ill bet u could make it really cools and fun.........or relate to them............

ya.....turning kids lives around.........rest of their life...............

the rest

of their life

they

will remember

the girl

who took the time

to even iust say..........hey........want to find something to read with me.................

someone

took the time.............

and changed that kids

life

teh rest

of their life.....

giving someone the time of day.............

can have a life long******

impact**********

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

( hope my nephew can find someone**** like.......well........UUUUUUUUUU

that wont yell and scream at him.......

and make reading or learning about books

into a WAY COOL adventure......

cause way cool** smart girls like u.........have that

MAGIC whatever...............

and that

senstivity to

give an unwanted kid

the

time

of

day.....................(get to know ur kids.......in time they

will

run ....to class

just to find u

look what I

found to read....(all b cuase of u girl......try not to underestimate urself........

they

NEEEEEEEEDD

UUUUUUUUUU

[gogogirl]

I also hope you and your mom can reconcile your relationship, and make peace with the presence of your dad as well.

[vanessi in reply to gogogirl]

It is not about having o not having a good relationship but as you know there is a moment in life that they want their own privacy. All my siblings have their life with their partners and kids, etc. I'm turning 24 soon and to be honest it's time to take my own path in life.

[gogogirl]

They can still have their privacy with you there- but it also sounds like you'd like to move on yourself. Good to hear from you though! More snow tomorrow!

[vanessi in reply to gogogirl]

Really not. They are willing for me to leave. Anyway i don't want to stay here cos I'll be awkward. I don't know what do with myself. I've been talking to a friend and he has told me I need to get better cos this feelings will chase me no matter where I am at. But right now I feel terrible and don't wanna be so far and realise I feel bad yet

[Hidden]

True..I wouldn't change my big heart either..sorry to hear your still struggling..and, yes, if you don't clear all this mess it will follow you wherever you go..when I say mess what I mean is how you deal with things, not the actual event..saying this though, whenever I'm away overseas, I'm a total different person, not an inch depressed, its when I come back home, I'm back to square one..depressed as hell cause when I'm away I'm elated, distracted, holiday etc but once back home, um back to my old self.. I haven't learned to deal with my emotions...so whatever you do, hope you learn afew things ftom what your going through upto now...you are still very young..be stronger for the future coming..and, love yourself and have hope..

[vanessi in reply to Hidden]

I don't feel ok, I pretend to be ok in front of people but the real me is the one who still cry at nights, that think of my past and get so sad about happy memories. I can't believe that the I person I loved the most could do this to me.

[vanessi]

I try to be careful but I don't know why people is so mean. Anyway obvs now i've changed and my thoughts have changed too. My ex killed the good that was in me.

[AMIGOMAN]

I think you are beautiful and intelligent and you will be fine once your confidence comes back.

I've had my heart broken too.

It just put me off everything.

I was in a deep downer for ages.

True acceptance,

Stop thinking about it completely,

Get occupied with bettering yourself in life .

That's the way forwards,

Trust me on it !!!!

Sorry to hear about your problems.

I feel sad for you.

I will pray for you.

Hope everything sorts out fast.

Just feel free to shout me anytime,

If you wish to.

Take care Vanessi.....xx🌹

[Hidden]

shoot....this will sound groosssly insenstive............shoot.......once the hurt starts to heal u will find guys lining up around the block to date someone like u..........come on ....ill have to call the police to direct traffic........hmm food stands....better bring water and some umbrellas.........they will ask who is that film star? is she new? no just discovered.....the big guns have to come from out of town...best get your autograph now........ok thnks dude......dont meantion it......u know her????? well only to say hi.......im 9 centuries old....but go for it buddy long as ur nice.............otherwise u will have to answer to her fan club............ok i promise...ill be super nice......ok..line forms around the third block over there...........take a number is my advice.....

thanks pal....wow...cant believe she not taken.........

and thats how it will go.......