Anxiety and Depression Support

dumped for the age difference

Hello everyone, i'd like to start with an introduction. I met the love of my life more than a year ago. We met on an online dating site, I'm Mexican and he is Irish, we started talking on October 10th, 2016 and we had an online relationship for the following 5 months. He came to Mexico on March 5th, 2017 and we got so in love with each other that we made plans together. Then, i flew to Ireland five months after. On August 5th, 2017 and we decided i was gonna stay there, but for some immigration reasons i had to come back to my country but we planned i was gonna apply for a 8 months student visa in February 2018. We lived together for 3 months in Ireland and we had so many plans and dreams. He said to all his family we were gonna get married next year and everything was going so well. When i left Ireland he said he loved me, even we both cried so much for being apart. Novermber passed and everything was ok, i was feeling so lonely and depressed and started demanding so much attention from him and we started having some problems cos he was working so much to save money and take me there. I was so ungrateful, and after a huge fight he decided to break up (through skype), but i was the first one who suggested it! Then i regreted and i begged him to still have our relationship but he didnt want. I apologised and i have changed my way of thinking and the only thing i want is us back. So we have barely talked for the last 2 weeks and a half, he says he loves me but he can't be with me cos he feels so negative about us, that we are on different pages in our life and he would be stopping me to do stuff and have a good future cos i deserve better. He didn't tell me this before and he said everything is cos the age difference. i'm 23 and he is 36. There is a 13 years' gap. So even if he says we had an amazing time and we had plans and misses me so much, he keeps saying the same. I'm really heartbroken and i feel really depressed, i barely sleep and eat, i don't want to do anything and still have no job cos i left everything in my country for him. i sometimes text him cos i wanna know about him, but if i don't do it he doesn't do it either, even if he is online using whatsapp and facebook, he ignores me completly. I can't live like this i feel hopeless and without a future, i don't know where is my life going, i don't know what to think. All the memories are brought back and makes me feel worse thinking of what we had, even using facebook and see posts of his friends that are my friends too affect me. i cry everyday and i'm having lots of anxiety. I don't wanna give up on him and move on cos i really, really love him and want to have a family with him and he still says he loves me so much and misses me but i don't know.

p.s. I have asked him if there is another girl and he says no, i have asked him if it is cos there is a huge responsability for him for me to be there, he says no, it is not about money or other stuff, it is cos the AGE!!! but i really feel that he doesn't love me anymore. At the moment i'm in Mexico and he is in Ireland, really hard to fix things when we are so far away.

I would like to get an advice or something. i really need it, i feel miserable

Vanessa E.

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You did not get dumped because of the age difference. It happened because this person is an asshole. You have been taken advantage of. You are young and attractive. As much as it hurts you must move on I wish you the best in the coming new year.

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Well, to be honest with you i don't know what to think about him, he literally never loved me. Merry Christmas and have a good new year. Thanks

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You are so young, there is so much that still could happen in your life. Try to take some good from this experience. You loved and were loved in return. Long distance relationships can take there toll on a relationship, especially if they are not straight forward. Who knows what the future may hold for you? People come and go. If he is that important to you and you to him he may yet find his way back to you. Take care and don’t beat yourself up. We all have to be kind to ourselves.

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Not our all relationship was long distance, he has come here, i have gone there too, etc, So i graduated 2 years ago from college, so i had to come back to my country for immigration reasons but we both planned to get a student visa for me for 8 months to stay there and then extend it for more time. And we were planning to do that in Feb next year, so we could be together.

We never had a problem with the age, we were so happy, we got along so well, and we made plans and dreams together. All started cos i was being so sad a depressed cos we were far. He has told me i haven't done anything wrong, that i am the best and he loves me, but he acts really different.

i have always been sure of what i want and who i want and he told me he didn't consider me immature at all. He only thinks he would be holding me back cos he says he is becoming a boring person, but i don't think so, i always smile when he is by my side, even if i'm 23 i do see my life and a family with him.

I don't wanna move on cos i feel he is the right person and this can be a crisis, i never felt i could be myself with anyone, but with him i can be myself and he can be himself too

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Hi Venessa....... I feel I'm in a position to help u becos I'm now in my 60's . I've lead a full & exciting life . The age difference of my husband & I was 14 years & he died young, 27 yrs ago . He was only 50, died very suddenly with NO warning , very fit & healthy & I was only 35 yrs old only when he died . I have never remarried & have a daughter now aged 37 . Culturally, my late husband was English & I'm Chinese though I was here in England studying since I was 15 & only married him when I was 25 .

I can see it from both points of view & in matters of the heart there is NO right or wrong & I can't tell u how to feel as much as u can't tell him u'll always feel this way about him becos u don't & maybe he's an asshole as the person before me has commented . I however feel since I don't know him, I have to accept his words as being the truth & he's honestly concerned about your age difference

Without being condescending, u are very young & he's probably your first big first love as an adult . Secondly, long distance love can be very romantic & u don't see his flaws when u are together becos' one is swept up with the headiness & excitement of the romance when u together hence not long enough for the mundane to creep into your relationship yet as it inevitabally will .

I can only speak from my own experiance & till I hit 40, I realised then how little IREALLY know about myself .If I knew so little about myself becos few people question themselves & most people allow themselves to be swept along with the tide . U may feel the pain now as any break up is painfull BUT in the long run , he may be doing u a favour. Have u stopped to think WHY u love him ? What do u have in common & where will u live IF u are a couple together, what about jobs, careers & ££ ...........I never asked those questions , I never questioned myself & what I wanted from the relationship so until u know what u want but really want, nothing will work out , age difference or no age difference ..........I would suggest u go kiss a few more frogs & have a great time doing it BUT protect yourself . Continue learning about yourself & even at the end of it, u find out what u don't want . that's a lesson learnt

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Obvs i have thought of the big responsabilities of living with someone, we made this plan cos i was actually gonna get a work-study visa, so i was gonna get a job there and pay the bills too.

i have always known what i want for my life and what is the kind of person i want too, that is why i felt in love with this guy. And i know how that happened. He was the only person who caught me when i was falling and he helped me a lot to get over a depression and an eating disorder, he is my best friend, i can say anything to him without feeling ashamed, we have lots of things in common and we were always happy, no matter what, always enjoying the small things in life but with amazing memories. We were ok almost 3 weeks ago but he changed and know i live in a nightmare.

P.s. I lived with other ex before him and i know what does that mean, i'm young but i have dealt with many bad experience in my life.

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No U HAVEN'T . U sound like u have not learnt to enjoy your own company & of being alone or being with a group of people, just merely being friends doing whatever young people do........becos of your anxiety, u need just that ONE person to depend on BUT maybe he doesn't want that becos it's a BIG responsibility to have someone lean on u so much , who doesn't like their own shadow even . When u know & when u have learnt to be yourself alone, then u can invite a second person in. Most people are frightened to be by themselves , I look around me & most people are miserable BUT they need someone else around to witness their life .............that they have lived this life NO matter how miserable they are.

U talk of going to school & working in the same breadth but u don't mention any of the complications & hardships u'll meet along the way ............like your down days & he wants to go out with the boys ...........The fact is he doesn't want to commit for whatever reason & u haven't walked away becos u feel it's something u can" FIX ". He doesn't want to FIX it , he wants to walk away say goodbye for now BUT maybe he'll change his mind in 6 months time ........and if au are still single then maybe ...........but IF I had a boyfriend who showed me the extent of neediness as u have, I would run a mile too. let it go, go do what u have to do, school, work etc then if he comes back then u can re evluate your situation . An independent person is an attractive person .

Good luck . Go enjoy your life ........go kiss lots of frogs

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Also don't sell yourself short.......If u don't value yourself, no one else will . I don't mean for u to be arrogant but "shop around" Venessa . Enjoy your youth whilst u can

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i don't sell myself short, i haven't had so many relationships but i have dated many people. You have no idea how much i enjoy my own company, i love myself, i love my shadow. I think it is a bit rude to say that to me. It took me so much time to find a man that had everything i was looking for, i got so depressed cos we had to be apart again, i missed him so much. And yes maybe he thinks it is a big responsability and maybe i can't fix things but what i am sure is i don't need to go and kiss frogs, i'm not this kind of person that needs to be with someone else to fill the emptiness, that make me feel worse. What i can do and i think will help me is to take a break from all this and provide support and time for myself, continue doing what i like and focus on my career and my family. Obvs i need to walk away from my ex and that is what i'm doing it.

I'm depressed and it is hard to get over a breakup when you love someone, i am heartbroken cos i had dreams and plans with my ex. He was not just a guy i was dating, we were engaged.

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Check Elliot Scott on YouTube. He's a relationship coach and might have some helpful hints to help you move forward. Good luck to you.

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Thank you, i will

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I'll tell u why Venessa.............Relationships don't work like that. U can't "FIX" things unless both parties want to, so I am not wrong in assuming u are so desperate to have him in your life that u are prepared to do anything............If that is not selling yourself short , what is. ?? Sometimes someone has to say out something that is not palatable BUT the TRUTH & sometimes it hurts. he obviously thinks your age difference matters to him , no matter how much u enjoy each others company now & also some people are cowards. They'd rather say something that could be accpetable to u than the way he truely feels . Everything is hunkydory now as u think it is , .......BUT if it is as u say, why would he want to end it . Becos he sees it not sustainable for the future . Sorry , it is what it is.......It's better to hurt now than 10 yrs down the road with children involved .

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How true Jean! You do not want to run after someone who can cut you off so easily.

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Dear Vanessa,

I have recently gone through a similar experience. My ex and I met when I was studying for my Master's in the UK. Following that, I came back home because I could not extend my visa. So we continued long distance for nearly three years seeing eachother whenever we could. I spent all my Christmasses with him and got to know him (so I thought). His family and friends loved me, his kids (from his ex) adored me, my family was not particularly taken by him but they were happy i was happy.... In March this year, he flew over to surprise me for my birthday and proposed to me. So the wedding planning began. As I type this, tears are pouring down my cheeks not because I miss him, but because of how different things were and things are now. I guess when they say, a moment can change your life, they are telling the truth!

Like your story, I started becoming more and more needy after the engagement leading to the wedding. Now I understand it was a mix of fear about leaving my life behind for someone else (you should NEVER do that btw) and the fact that I was never fully accepting of his kids (I always felt a lack of attention like I was never his priority).

Vanessa, you are so young and so beautiful! The truth is hard, but it could be that the guy was taking advantage of you. Maybe he was not ready to commit. Just wanted to feel validated by being with a person like you. He did not leave you because of the age gap. The truth is, if one loves you, nothing else matters! I learned it the hard way. My ex left me because I was sad all the time. Did he try to fight for me? no. Did he try to get me treatment? no. I started therapy by myself after the breakup. and when I told him, I am in therapy and could we try again, he said no. which meant, my depression was never the problem. He just did not want to be with me. and that is the truth you need to accept!

You have a full life ahead of you. Just be thankful you saw his true colours now than once you moved to a strange country. I keep telling myself that. People like your ex and mine, they are selfish people. You are better off without a selfish partner, trust me

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Hi Purple_54, i understand perfectly what you mean, i honestly believed he loved me but he was playing with me. Last time i talked to him he said he was doing all this for me, but if he loved he wouldn't hurt me, i also told him he was a selfish man and he was only thinking of himself. I know he doesn't care what i think or what i say but i needed to tell him how i was feeling. I'm just gonna keep doing my life even if the memories and our plans make me feel bad. The only thing i can do is recover myself.

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Yes I'm so happy to hear that positive attitude in you! It gives me courage too. We both deserve people who will not give up on us. I promise you, you will find a man who will fight for you one day

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i don't have always a positive attitude, every day i find it really hard, as i said i feel every morning is battle, i struggle so much. Some days i recover and feel better, some days i'm so down and sad that i spend the day crying. I have blamed myself for this but sometimes i realise he just didn't want me anymore. All was so fast that hit me so bad.

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I understand what you are going through. It will gradually get easier. I remember I spent days wondering how I'm going to live any more. I had given up my job because of the moving. I was embarrassed to tell people the wedding was cancelled after sending invites. But trust me sweetheart, it will get better. I'm the living example. Have you considered therapy? I went for therapy which helped me a lot

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Thank u Purple 54.........people marry for various reasons , these days usually it's for financial & social reasons. The question most people ask is "What's in it for me" ????If the answer is less for him then what u are getting from him, it doesn't work. I married beneath me becos I loved him thought the age difference was 14 yrs, Love doesn't make the world go round.............Money does !! It's the hard truth & pill to swallow .Especially now sexes are not dependent to bear children (IVF ) If u have enough ££, u can buy anything .........FACT !!

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Sorry a few typhos "thought" should be THOUGH . If u study the anatomy & physiology of your own body, u'll understand why we are what we are not just DNA, it's the eitiology of how our hormones control us & how the body functions to attract the opposite sex in order to bring forth the next generation. Look at China now, The govenment tried to manipulate the one child , one family policy completely forgetting that culturally the Chinese prefer male children . Hence now there is a 6: 1 male: female gender imbalance in the country .So only the rich can afford to marry. We also go back to the days when when poorer caste families in India are allowed to share wives between 2 brothers becos of the Dowry policy !!

What I'm trying to tell u & bring to your attention is this is how our BODIES trick us & manipulate us to work to their advantage . Understand that & u'll understand yourself . All this love malarky is just a big con that our bodies play on ourselves .

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As a young person looking at marriages around me, I think today marriage is so disposable. I find two types of couples around me. People in relationships like my previous one - they will not make sacrifices for love. So long as the road is smooth, they will be together and the moment life throws a challenge they give up (like my ex did). Others refuse to give up on sad marriages. They are miserable but stay together. And a third and lucky group are happy. Hope one day I'll fall into this third category. Marriage has become so easily disposable. It's sad

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The so called third group is "SHORT LIVED " ...........till the mundane sets in........BUT everything is disposable becos life is. Look at the wars around the world today .........half the time I don't even know what it's about. Religion ? and none of us have even seen GOD per se or jesus or Allah or Buddah. I believe in different aspects of religion, the ethical part but even then it stopped working many moons ago but is it worth killing another person for ? We have a set amount of time on this earth & we all say we are looking for the same thing.......Happiness & health & $$/££ but really if one logically thinks about ££ /$$ , it's only paper & who dictates it's worth? The banks/bankers / stock market ..........It baffles the hell out of me that we are all trying to make money to pay bills made of paper !!??????????LOLOLOL ...Who's the joke on I wonder . Funny old world this & love ?? U ask 1001 people in the same room & none of us will give u the same deifination of LOVE .......so if it's so important to our survival & happiness , isn't it abit slap dash & careless of the human race not to even know what it is ??????

Funny ole' world what ........

1.We are prepared to kill each other for a GOD whom no one has seen or met.

2. Stressing ourselves out each day going to work for something called money made of paper so we can pay our bills .

3. Love whom none of us know the definition of but we marry, have sex & bring on the next generation for in the name of "love "

When someone can answer the above, let me know but in the mean time we have to co exist in this round ball floating about in this galaxy called earth hahahaha

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I have to say marriage is hard work, you have to put into every day. There are hills and valleys , this is coming from someone who has been married 36 years! I agree it is easy to get out of. Yet love can conquer all!

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I haven't been married but i know there is so much commitment and responsability. I was ready to be with someone for the rest of my life,'till he left me.

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I met someone when I was 17. He was 20 years older than me. He said he loved me and would marry me but never did. I gave up everything for him, my friends my life my dreams. I was so stupid. I had a daughter with him. But he never married me. He died from cancer. And it was upsetting for me especially when his wife called me to let me know he died. If only he dumped me years ago. All I have now is a daughter who is leaving me, no friends and a completely useless life. Count your blessings that your break up came now before you get so involved that you lose yourself for him

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Thanks for sharing, well with my ex he has never been married cos i checked it before, but yes i guess i can't trust someone like him. I love him but i'm just really hurt. Our memories are killing me.

I think you can still be happy.

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hi I'm 44 my partner is 31 weve been together just over 7 years and I was in Glasgow and she was in London.its worked for us although we are all different so who knows sounds like an easy excuse for a way out.im sure you do love him but at the same time you look beautiful and could pick many a man you wanted.its his loss then as I see it in time you will too.

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Hello, i see you and your partner have the same gap (13 years) I have always felt attracted to older men. We used to be so happy but i don't know when he stopped loving me, well he said he still does but i know when you want someone you just don't let them go. He has told me too that he is doing all this for me, which is a lie. He might be thinking on himself. I can't know and i won't know. I do still love him but i have decided i'm gonna disappear from his life or i should say that i am the one who don't want to see him again. Thank for you words

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Hi Vanessi:

My name is Brittany and I'm close to your age....25. I can understand how your feeling. I actually dated and was close to engagement with a guy long distance. I live in Canada and he was from the UK.

It's really difficult because I feel like he shouldn't end a relationship over something so "petty". But I definetly think he still loves you. Sometimes the best thing to do is to let him be for a while with no contact. He'll experience life completely without you. Even though thats extremely difficult to do, it may help him to wake up and stop making excuses as to why you both shouldn't be together and realise the reason you should be.

At the end of the day, if it's meant to be it WILL work out. In the meantime, go travel or set goals for yourself. It will help to rebuild self esteem and self worth.

My ex and I have been broken up for a year and a half and I can honestly say he's still the love of my life. But everyone deserves to be treated with respect and in time guys will have major regret for not putting up a fight for good girls who actually love them deeply.

If another guy comes around in the meantime who you fall for, don't hold back because you don't owe your Irish ex anything. If he wants to get you back he will. It just may take some time for him to wake up and see what beautiful amazing girl was right in front of him. To be honest, he knows how amazing you are but I feel like maybe something is holding him back. But whatever the case, a real man ready for marriage wouldn't give cop out lines like "you deserve better".... or use age all of a.sudden as a reason. He might need time to mature a bit more even though he's 36. Just build yourself back up, try to get back to a happy place and you may find him come around.

Hope that helps.

Brit

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Thank you so much, i still think he is the love of my life but he doesn't want me nor love anymore with him. I feel quite down today. I hate sundays and i don't know where is my life going

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I’m sorry to hear i know how that feels in a way. I’m married to my husband but he seems lost and doesn’t like spending too much time with me. Maybe he doesn’t care about me anymore to even try or to even try to work out our issues which we have. I am also wondering where I am going. Feeling so depressed and low these days. It taking a toll on my mental and physical health. Just hoping things turn around soon. Then again that is wishful thinking. Guess I have to try harder but don’t know if I want to anymore. I want to be happy with someone who wants to be with me

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Haha I'm from Ontario as well. Looking at maybe moving to the west coast though :)

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I'm sorry to hear that, when the person that "supports" us doesn't want us anymore. I hope you get better soon :( I'm having a bad days too

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He will be the love of your life until you meet another guy who ends up being the love of your life. And this guy will PROVE that he loves you! Even on your worst day, he will still want to be right by your side and not want to be with any other girl in the world. When a guy loves you through and through, he will fight over and over again. He won't be able to live without you. You have put this amount of effort in with your ex but he isn't putting in any effort back which is not a relationship you want to be in. As a positive it's good he has shown his true colours because what if he walked away so easily when u were married or even had children together.

Again, it's so important not to have any contact with him. That includes any form of social media. I know it really difficult because u still have feelings for him but it's the best thing to do for two reasons.

1) it helps u to move forward in life

2) it gives him a chance to experience life without you.

He needs to learn he either wants all of you or gets none of you. If u respond to him even if it's just a message or a like of a photo, it validates him and makes him feel like he can have u without any commitment.

I really do think if he spent all that time with you he still deep down loves you....how could he not. Don' take it personal that your not good enough. You are! Beyond good enough! This is HIS issue and he needs to sort himself out. Until he does, no relationship of his will ever work out. And he also won't be a very happy person.

Even if he ends up with another girl in years to come....she will never be you! How validating that is! No girl on this earth who made him feel like a "king" will ever be you! This is his loss!

So it's obvious that hes making a major mistake. What can u do in the meantime? It is hard to get out and reach goals when your depressed. So take time to heal. Watch movies, go for a massage, get a pedicure, eat what u want to eat....spend time being good to yourself. In the weeks and months to come, try to think about what you have always wanted to accomplish and work towards it. It will make u feel good about yourself, it's a way to make time go by and most important it helps our minds and heart rebuild.

Your absolutely gorgeous, caring, loving, affectionate, loyal! I can' wait until u find a man who is your equal! He's out there! You have a win win situation. This ex will either smarten up and win you back or you will end up with a guy 10 times better. We can make relationships that last with anyone, its about the effort we put in. Relationships are not 50/50, they are 100/100. You have proven u Gove 100 % to make things work and he has not done the same. But there are so many guys who would fight for you! That's the man u want to marry.

Take one day at a time. You have people here to support you!

Lots of love!

Brit

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I truly believe that when is love nothing matters, people make fun of me they say I dream to high and people is mean. Anyway it is very simple I'm conscious when a man really cares about you does everything to keep you. Seems I loved him more than he did but I can't change my feelings but I only want to feel ok again

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Great advice Brit. I’m from Ontario.

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