Hi everyone, looking for some love and support in one of the darkest times of my life.
My boyfriend broke up with me two days ago because he couldn't handle my depression and anxiety and could no longer give me the support that I need.
Over our 8 months we went through a repetitive cycle of me having anxious and depressive episodes, him not knowing what to do then lashing out at me for what I would say or do, then making up and it happening over again. We are young I'm 20 and he's 19.
Every time my anxiety and depression twisted my thoughts and made me see the worst everything I apologised for it. I was grateful for him being there. However, he could never fully forgive me for the hurt I caused him despite me trying to explain why I did those things.
Over the last month I have made tremendous progress, building new friendships, concentrating on my studies. I have also started medication and undergoing CBT.
Despite these improvements he can't appreciate them fully because of all the hurt that has happened in our relationship. I feel completely to blame and I hate him for giving up on me.
We are both at university, he lives in a house and I live in halls. I felt for a while that he didn't care for me much anymore, he just wanted to be with his friends all the time.
He wasn't there for me when I was down and anxious. One night he couldn't handle it and went out clubbing and ignored all my calls. I even gave him distance so that he could have his independence back as he felt that I was taking it away. However, when I took that time to build on myself he lashed out at me for not spending more time with him.
I shared some literature on mental health with him and he took the time to read it to understand what I'm going through this felt really positive. However, when I called him over one night when I was depressed he comforted me and was absolutely amazing but the next day he accused me for being ungrateful and angry at him for leaving in the morning - when I was not. I myself had classes to go to. He told me that it was wrong of me to expect him to be there for me all the time. This leaves me devastated as for me it surely should be instinct to be there for someone when they are down.
He saw me after saying this and ended the relationship. He broke down, cried and said he just couldn't handle it and that he wasn't sure if he could be in love with me anymore.
He says that he wants to be friends and see me get better and then who knows. He says he is too young to deal with these problems. I am struggling to understand how he could lose his love for me when I have worked so hard. I have so much love for him still and think about him all the time but he can't give me what I need. I don't know whether I should allow him to be in my life or cut him off completely.
He is my best friend and we had talked everyday for almost a year. I feel like my heart is broken. I also feel very confused as I am on antidepressants and they are numbing how I feel, I want to cry and I just can't.