Hello, some people have replied my posts and have messaged me during this process. I want to give you a short explanation of why the breakup took me down so bad.
Before I met my ex boyfriend I was happy, I was at college and with many dreams, I was so confident and sure of what I wanted. I was just focusing on my dreams. I had my plans and I was achieving them. I was gonna move to France so I could keep improving my French.
When I met my ex my life changed we fell in love so obvs I had to change my plans again for new ones because I was committed to my relationship, basically I swapped France for Ireland, i always wanted to move to Europe so was not very difficult for me knowing I had my love and I was gonna live where I wanted. How happy I was!!
It takes me so much time to make decisions as the first one, me moving to France took me like 2 years, the second one took me like 6 months
I know you all wonder why I changed my mind for someone but I was in love and willing to leave my country for new opportunities and with the love of my life. Love is so important to me and it is something I want to have forever. I felt at home no matter where I was as long as was with him.
Now I wasted more than 3 years planning my future, deciding where I can feel at home and I feel I am at the start again. My problem is that not only I lost my partner, my fiancé and my best friend, I lost all my dreams and my plans because I LOST MY FAITH, because I am scared of making the same mistake, keep planning and then realise everything is gone.
The breakup affected my emotional state but also the trust I had to do things. Affected my self- esteem. Now I've become very insecure, more anxious and depressed because the breakup dragged all my being.
If someone says "keep the old plans before your ex" i would say no because I'm not sure what I want, if I make a mistake again and I decide to do smth that i won't be able to achieve I will feel so much worse, I already feel useless imagine how I would I feel if I fail again. I know I'm young but I'm turning 24 soon then I will be older and older.
I feel under so much pressure because I had my life already, working and living in Ireland with my husband now I am at the beginning and how long is gonna take me again? If I couldn't decide for so long how I can make a quick decision while I am depressed. My mom put so much pressure on me and my decisions because she knows me and I will take some time to feel ok again.
My being simply don't work with the emotional state, I'm so tired of faking and making plans that I want to give up. That's why I say my ex took everything I had and everything of me because he left me feeling weak and useless, scared of myself. That's why I say it is not like the other relationships I had, because even though the other ones didn't work I still had energy and faith, looking forward to the future.
Now I really hope you understand why I am very sad and crying all the time. I've lost my path, I don't know who I am anymore, I'm not sure of what I want and afraid of my decisions and then blame myself because they didn't work out
Ps. Btw I wish you all have a happy Valentine's Day and enjoy with your loved ones. Xx
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vanessi
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I am sorry your going through all this pain, been there and done that too, and one thing to remember is it took two for the relationship. You are not stupid or incompetent, or unable to do great things for yourself, all of what you had when you met your ex- is still there. You just need time to heal. Going through a break up like that is equal emotionally for many of us as if experiencing a death. It's no small thing, and you need some support. I went to grief and loss counselling, both group and one on one. If your an Irish citizen now, there are tons of options for you on your medical card. You may even want to do some volunteer work with some kids at 'Samaritan'' of another organization. It may help to build your confidence back up and makes you feel good when you can help another. And if your still in Ireland, plan a trip over to France, you are literally a ferry ride from Ireland to the coast of France. It will take some time, but you will slowly get better, the old you will come back.
I'm sorry your going through this, is there anything local group wise that you might be able to get involved with, volunteer work, working with children, art work, etc.
I work with children but it doesn't matter I feel so empty I can't stop thinking my life is ruined. Nothing positive happens to me, no hope, no dreams, no nothing
Hi Vanessi...hang in there lady, I can tell that you are destined to help others! You have an incredible abundance of love to give.
Even though you feel like you'd rather lay in bed with the covers over your head, you appear to be actually living the pain & looking for your next adventure
I suppose I could be wrong, but my instinct tells me that if you start learning how to give that love to yourself, you'll be well on your way to inner peace.
I feel I'm qualified to share due to the fact that:
1) I was a widow by the time I was 35.
2) I got into a relationship right when my husband died, so two dysfunctional people.
3) I got into a relationship when I got out of treatment in 1993. Again, multi-dysfunctional.
4) It took a while of being sober to realize just how screwed up I am.
5) I met my current husband in late 1994. We've been married 21 years, but I still find I have plenty of issues.
So, no matter what your emotional status may be, I would like to offer some siggestions:
♢ Pick up a copy of, "How to Survive the Loss of a Love". Awesome book that a coworker gave me to help with the loss of my husband, but it was much more helpful with the losses of a living relationship.
♢ The book tells you to (and I did this a lot!) gently tap your heart 3x with the flat of your fist while saying, "I'm alive, I'll survive".
♢ Fill a tub with nice warm water & bubble bath. Light a scented candle or candle & incense (diffuser, etc.), put on soothing music and get in with a good novel or even the book I mentioned. Have a cup of coffee, tea, hot chocolate, or whatever at hand and pamper yourself. This will eventually lead to self-love. Please know that you are good enough. That's all you need to be.
Take care, Vanessi! You are worth it. When you're feeling really low, try to offer comfort & help to someo e in need, like right here on this forum.
Thanks for the reply I will try to follow your advice even though I don't feel like doing anything. I feel so hurt, I know there are so many people with worse problems but I can't control mine. Every day I feel worse, and more when people say I will find someone else. I think they haven't realised I don't want anyone I just want to feel ok with myself, memories come to my head and break my heart, I wish they stop
I don't want to sound trite, but Vanessi, you really are still very young, and often times "rejection" actually turns out to be God's PROTECTION. If this guy wasn't really the one, then better to knkw now than later, right?
I get it. 3 years of love and devotion is a huge investment and a devistating loss at ANY age, NOT just for those under 30 years of age or something, and I've been there before.
You really seem like an awesome young lady, so trust me when I tell you, set your standards high, and don't compromise your values. It sounds like you have some really decent friends that support you. Be grateful for that. Believe me and trust me when I tell you, that is a great asset to have, and not all of us have that.
The fact that you have a really awesome relationship with your mom is an even greater blessing, so again, let yourself feel secure and appriciated in that too.
With regard to your plans for the future, one thing is for sure, and you've already gotten a good example of this fact . . . some times we make plans, and God laughs. I believe He has way better plans for us than we could ever dream of ourselves, so don't loose your faith, ok? That doesn't mean, "don't set goals and don't make plans," it just means don't be afraid to be flexible. I believe that your studies of French, you subsequent familiarization with Ireland, and everything else in your life up to this point is all preparing you for something great.
Who's to say that the day is not coming when you will spend a great deal of time traveling to not only Ireland and France, but ALL OVER Europe. It could happen you know.
In any case, you ARE young, (and quite a lovely young lady too.) I don't think there's anything wrong with taking the time to let the loss of your former love run It's course, and allowing your self to feel all your feelings about that. That stuff HURTS!
Just, please, don't paint yourself as an old maid in your mind's eye. I'm not trying to sound trite, so please don't take it that way, but for goodness sake, you're still very young. Maybe you've got an old soul like me, but I've had an old soul for 49 years. Give yourself a little time. Don't be in such a darned hurry to have your whole future mapped out, because it never looks quite lime you expect it to even if everything DOES work out just like you planned.
You are right. I've always wanted to have my life mapped out! But nothing what I do seems to work, I do feel old but I'm so young but I have always wanted to have my plans and set goals but never work. I am afraid of waste so much time and opportunities and then see I am old to do what I want
Others here have offered beautiful thoughts and advice and I don't have much to add, but I did want to say that just writing posts like these -- describing the situation, your feelings, how everything stands now -- can be really therapeutic in and of itself. Writing doesn't help everyone, of course, but for some, it really acts as a catalyst to process, understand, and validate the situation and the feelings surrounding it. If you find that writing posts like these helps you feel a bit more in-control, you might consider writing other things about it -- little autobiographical accounts, poems, or even songs -- that you don't have to share if you don't want to.
Well I write for myself, I write how I feel and it is a way to tell my secrets to the person I trust the most "me"
Anyway I haven't written more poems, I don't enjoy what I liked in the past cos bring me back painful memories.
I tried to explain this because some people see that's stupid suffering for a breakup, they don't see the great pain I have and wonder why I look so immature for it!!!! The breakup dragged my life to hell. I lost my love but also myself and my faith, before I thought I could do whatever now I'm scared of everything.
Like you mentioned on the other post, I'm so glad writing has brought to you a community of people who can in some way relate to your feelings, even imperfectly. Mental health and illness are still extremely publically misunderstood subjects, and unfortunately I think your experience of those around you, even loved ones, thinking that your struggles are immature or incomprehensible is something that plenty of people here can relate to.
Yes, I like to post my feelings here. I haven't recovered though and I feel I'm getting worse but that is something that people from here can't control, but I'm so thankful
Vanessi, no matter what we do in life, no matter how well we do it, there will ALWAYS be someone willing to tell us we are doing it all wrong. That's just a fact. I believe you'd do very well to stop concerning your self with what others think, or might think, and just do what you feel is right for you.
I posted my first and only thread so far, and in truth, I posted it because I was thinking about how you were talking about what people think or say about your breakup, and more importantly your feelings about it.
It really doesn't matter what other people think or say. Your life is YOUR journey, and I don't honestly think you aught to feel obligated to justify, defend, explain, ratioalize your own feelings. Feelings are feelings. If we had 100% control of how we felt, no-one woild EVER feel sad, hurt, ashamed, mad, or afraid, EVER.
I hope you can stop worrying so much about what "everyone" else thinks. That's exhausting. Check oit the thread I posted called, "Opinions, advice, and everything in between. A valuable life-lesson." It's a story I have known for many years, but had never taken the time to type of all out, and to really tell is right, well, it take a a couple minutes to tell and a Lot of time to type, so I decided to make it a thread because people have always loved the story, so I wanted to share it with everyone.
I hope you'll read it, and I hope it at least brings a little smile to your lips and a little joy to your heart too. Most of all though, I hope yoh are anlento get the point, that being, you can't please everyone, Vanessi.
Thanks I will read it!! I know you are right but sometimes i feel I need to justify myself because I feel attacked. I've always said no one really knows what happened between me and my ex and the pain I feel! I just explained because I want all to know it is not only a breakup, there are more things in between. I still love and miss my ex though and also feel useless in general.
Some people have told me I will find someone else because they only think about a stupid breakup when actually I'm not looking for someone not willing to have a relationship. I'm not concerned if I will have someone in the future, I'm concerned for my life in the future, my work and if I will be able to make a normal life free of depression and anxiety. I want to be ok with myself. That's it
They say that because they think I'm so sad because I have no a man right now and that will pass when I find another guy. When the true is i might feel same or worse having a new relationship. So I want to make clear my situation is not going in that way!
I honestly believe that when a man or a woman has a committed long-term relationship come to an end, the very worst thing we can do is to try to find another to fix the hurt.
That's not to say that you might find the man that will sweep you right off your feet when you least expect it, but more than likely, it'll take a good solid year for you to get re-centered.
As far as your career aspirations, I believe that's as much God's plan as it is your own. One thing that's obvious to me though, is that it's awful important to you, so I'm sure you will figure it out.
Slow and steady wins the race. The best career advice I ever heard is, find what you love so much you'd do it for free if that was the only way you could be involved, just because you love it THAT MUCH. Next, learn to be the best you can be at that one thing. Once you've done that, THEN right about how to get paid to do it. If you do that, you will never have to go to work. Every day, you will go to play, AND get paid to go.
Right now though, It seems you have virtually no joy registering in your heart, so, until that part starts to mend, taking good care of yourself so it CAN mend is about the only sensiblenrhing you can do.
Keep talking about your feelings. Keep getting it out. Holding it in won't help I don't think. But Vanessi, don't let those little moments where you feel good slop by either. Hold on to them, just like you would hold on to little pearls that are only found once in a while. Eventually, it adds up, and actually, where moments when you notice a little happiness are concerned, they get closer and closer together when you cherish each one to the fullest. If it could work for me, then you've got a shot of it working for you too.
Thanks for your words , I really think I need to take care of me so much, i am very hurt. About the first thing you said about finding a man I agree with you, and I repeat again, I'm not interested in a relationship right now and I don't know how long it is gonna take but I have no rush!
About the career aspirations I've tried my best but I haven't had so much luck! I will keep trying since I need that for living, only God knows what will happen and where my plans will drive me, the only I am asking is not to feel like now cos is taking me so much effort due my depression and anxiety. It's very tough feeling down and go to work and fake you are perfectly fine.
I hope one day soon I can find that peace I am looking for, but right now I'm scared of everything, I feel time is going and I am wasting it. I'm not very helpful with myself but i don't wanna put myself in a hurry because if I take a quick decision I might regret it cos I don't know what I want and what would make happy yet!
Yeah, exactly. I really honestly believe you're going to have a hard time finding the passion for a career right now when you are still feeling so low because of how all of your plans in life got ripped put from under you
I also can relate strongly to your reluctance to pursue something when you have no idea if It's what you really want to do. In my mind, it is only sensible to wait until you really know with more confidence what it is you would enjoy doing for a long time.
Is it possible to further your education in a more general way now? You know, like some basic courses that will serve you well no matter what sort of career you choose later.
Some examples migbt be something lime general business or accountancy courses. I mean, thunk if it - every household is like a business in that, money comes in, and money goes out, so having a good foundation with accounting will serve you well no matter what. Big family, or maybe just a family of one for awhile.
Your mom is obviously very important to you, and I believe you said you are currently residing with her, so the two of you, as two adults, provide for your household. That's a household economy.
You also mentioned that you're currently working with kids. That can be really good medicine too. When I was raising my daughter, one of the most wonderful thungs about it was when I would explain important moral ideas to her, I would have to simplify those concepts and use words she could understand. Of course, as we went along I would also teach her a new word here and there, but you can only teach a few words at a time or the kid will not remember any of it if It's too much.
By breaking down these important life lessons into simple terms, Vanessi, it did an awful lot to make ME so much stronger in the values that are most important to me too. It was awesome. Maybe in working with children as you do, you might experience the same fulfilment in just the natural course of how people relate to and teach children.
Everything you experience in life, both good and bad can become amazing tools later on, whether you know it at the time or not, so I hope you can have a little faith in that.
The fact that you feel like time is passing and you don't want too much time to get behind you before you start to make sense of it all and find your direction in life is a good thing, in my opinion. You ARE in fact still motivated. I think finding the balance between that motivation, and giving your self time (and permission to take the time) to heal is important.
I've been through this loss of a deep ok e a few times now, and I really relate to the feelings you express about it very strongly. The things about people telling you, "oh, just dust your self off and go find a new man," (or in my case, new woman), for example. I'm lime, "REALLY? You think just jumping into another relationship with just whom-ever is going to fix everytbing?" Hmmmm NO! lol
I think your ideas and feelings about the whole situation are 100% valid, and *very* wise. I just hope you can keep that motivation alive while at the same time not allowing it to drive you crazy while you are still needing this time to sort out what direction you feel is the right "next direction" FOR YOU.
I think you're actually right where you are supposed to be for this moment, and doing really good. Just hang in there, ok?
I'm not enjoying my life, every day is harder and harder. I want to keep learning languages but i don't know I'm not looking forward to do it right now.
Working with kids is good but I don't see my life doing that forever. I have always wanted to be translator but as I mentioned before I had dreams. I don't if they are still there but I am afraid of they are just gone. Cannot make any decision right now
you don't have to give up on your dreams ever vanessi.why cant you still go to france.your young and have many years of still learning.i hurt really bad when my ex broke up with me and we lived 500 miles apart.so kinda know where you are coming from.now ive got another partner and two beautiful kids and would never go back.im sure wont look back either soon.
Because my last dream was going to Ireland, I know the country, the city, people, the language, etc. But it seems I cannot go cos everybody would think I'm going cos my ex. How can I deal with that ? I would really love to go by my own, but it is a small city, one day I would across with him on the street, how I would handle that too?? See my problem now?
For me. I am older than you but I went thru something so similar and felt lost and confused about myself. The break up shook me to my absolute core. I changed all of my plans, career, address, kids school, left my friends all for the deep love and perfect fit that I felt and then he decided it was too complicated and shut me out after 5 years.
If it helps you to know this... my fiancé came back to me and I felt perfect and content again. However, the feeling our relationship gives me the security, the dreams the LOVE does not change the way I feel about myself. After loosing it and getting it back- after the honeymoon ended I still have me to figure out. Some of what I thought was love is codependent behavior and a longing that can only be filled within myself. Some of it for me was an illusion- that our LOVE could fix what’s broken in me.
I don’t know you but, I am learning that it’s not really about the decisions. It’s about feeling safe and secure about you. Get to know yourself, get out and experience as much as you can in life and I believe you will find your way again. Life is a beautiful amazing gift and you never know what blessing is around the corner
Life is all about taking chances and learning from the detours. Look at it this way- you aren’t married yet and no kids tangled up in the heartache. In my situation I had to help my kids heal and keep them together and it made the process so much harder.
You have a lot going for you from what I gather. You can and will make it thru this 💯
I'm sorry for all that you have gone through, breakups are sad!! I was completely happy but I don't know what happened, it still hurts and I love hope to find peace in my soul
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