Hey, I am new here, I would really like to tell my story.
First time I got diagnosed with anxiety with panick attacks (also with vestibular syndrome) was when I was aboout 17 y.o. First I didn't understand what is happening to me, I suddenly started to have those episodes where my head is spinning, heart ir racing like crazy, I feel sudden scare that I might die. One time I even passed out by shcool. Ambulance was called for me more than once during these episodes. (I think it is worth to mention that by that time it all started I was living on my own at shcool dorm). So then I went back to my hometown to see my GP, she got me in hospital for checkups. My head got checked, heart etc. As everything turned out to be just fine, I got diagnosed with vegatative distonia with vestibular syndrome. I took some medicine for some short time, light antidepressants. I went off them on my own as I figured that I don't wanna be on pills all the time. So it took me some extra work to go through with it, feeling anxious every time I went outside my house, going to school, driving a bus, couldn't fall asleep without taking some anti-anxiety medication (not antidepressants). I made up my own rituals how to get through my anxiety, listened to inspirational music etc. So after a while I got through it. Or so I thought. I mean, I was now able to go outside my home, stores, took busses and eveything without feeling anxious all the time. There was during the years some episodes where I may had some light panick attacks, but they went away as fast as they came. And they did not affect my life.
So a bit more than a year ago,on a perfectly nice day I took a bus to my workplace. Was there for a few hours but as it wasn't busy, I got off. I felt a little bit weird (a bit dizzy I would say), but I did not pay much attention as I was feeling that way for some time already. And then in a bus stop waiting for my bus to go home massive panick attack hit me, my head started spinning, heart was racing, I was scared and embaressed. So I called a taxi to pick me up from a bus stop (while waiting I was sitting on a bench in a bus stop, not moving, while talking to my boyfriend on the phone). I felt it took my like a ton of strenght to get up, get in the taxi, drive home and after get out of the taxi, up the stairs, into my apartment. I felt awful after I got home, physically and mentally. I felt like something just went totally off. So day or two after, I still wasn't feeling like myself but told myself that it was only one episode, and it is over, you know, s*it happens. So I went to the store to by some groceries to cook a nice meal for my boyfriend. Oh I felt to anxious in the store, my head was spinning, I was sweating. So when I was already at the cash register, my panick hit the highest mark, I apologized to cashier, telling that I feel sick, so I have to get out, I can't wait until she counts my groceries. I guess I looked really sick, as she asked me do I want a glass of water and will I be able to get home on my own. (I'm living abot 3 minutes walk from home). So I half went half run home, as my panick and anxiety was in high level, and I was afraid I would pass out somewhere on the way. I got home very scared. very sad. And that was the last time I went somewhere on my own. I became scared of going outside alone, at some point I wasn' t able to even take out the trash. It's been more than a year now. Of course, I went to see a neurologist, she gave me tons of vitamins,also the same lighht antidepressents which I took years ago, she also offered me that she prescribe some stronger antidepressants but I once again said no to that. She also suggested that I should go and see a shrink. So through a friend of mine, I started to see a shrink. I went to her every week for almost a year. She has helped me a lot, going through my issues, going with me through what I call grey area. Where I did not see a light, it was hard to get out of bed, I was crying a lot, life just seemed pointless, I was tired of my anxiety, I was tired of feeling the way I feel, I was tired of not being able to go places on my own (because before I loved to do that), I was so tired of myself. Tired of my head spinning almost all the time, tired of my personal hell which I had to go through when I needed to get to work on my own (of course, with taxi, bus was no longer an option).I would lie if I say, that suicide did not cross my mind few times. That was the lowest I have ever been. With time I got better, I was now able to take the trash out (haha), I was able to go to cinema with my boyfriend and friends, going shopping and everything people do. But of course, with a dose of anxiety, which is following me everywhere. I mean, it is now in controlable amount, but it also takes work to control it. But still, after more than a year after, I haven't been anywhere on my own. Before it scared me to death to go somehere alone, but not I wouldn't say that I am that scared.. It is just, I haven't been anywhere on my own for more than a year... so I feel like a baby taking my first steps (and those are scary, also exciting). Im currently without work, staying at home, and everyday I tell myself, today I am going to shop on my own, but then I don't do that. I am delying it all the time, cause maybe tomorrow I will feel like it, I will feel stronger than I am today. Writing this, thinking about now after finishing, dressing up and going out, I would lie to myself if I said I am not scared. I am.
I don't know if anyone will be reading this, but I had to say it out loud. And maybe it will help somebody who has similiar problems to see that they are not alone. Cause I know that feeling alone with all this, makes it all more terrifying.