Anxiety and Depression Support
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I'm new here and this is my story

Hey, I am new here, I would really like to tell my story.

First time I got diagnosed with anxiety with panick attacks (also with vestibular syndrome) was when I was aboout 17 y.o. First I didn't understand what is happening to me, I suddenly started to have those episodes where my head is spinning, heart ir racing like crazy, I feel sudden scare that I might die. One time I even passed out by shcool. Ambulance was called for me more than once during these episodes. (I think it is worth to mention that by that time it all started I was living on my own at shcool dorm). So then I went back to my hometown to see my GP, she got me in hospital for checkups. My head got checked, heart etc. As everything turned out to be just fine, I got diagnosed with vegatative distonia with vestibular syndrome. I took some medicine for some short time, light antidepressants. I went off them on my own as I figured that I don't wanna be on pills all the time. So it took me some extra work to go through with it, feeling anxious every time I went outside my house, going to school, driving a bus, couldn't fall asleep without taking some anti-anxiety medication (not antidepressants). I made up my own rituals how to get through my anxiety, listened to inspirational music etc. So after a while I got through it. Or so I thought. I mean, I was now able to go outside my home, stores, took busses and eveything without feeling anxious all the time. There was during the years some episodes where I may had some light panick attacks, but they went away as fast as they came. And they did not affect my life.

So a bit more than a year ago,on a perfectly nice day I took a bus to my workplace. Was there for a few hours but as it wasn't busy, I got off. I felt a little bit weird (a bit dizzy I would say), but I did not pay much attention as I was feeling that way for some time already. And then in a bus stop waiting for my bus to go home massive panick attack hit me, my head started spinning, heart was racing, I was scared and embaressed. So I called a taxi to pick me up from a bus stop (while waiting I was sitting on a bench in a bus stop, not moving, while talking to my boyfriend on the phone). I felt it took my like a ton of strenght to get up, get in the taxi, drive home and after get out of the taxi, up the stairs, into my apartment. I felt awful after I got home, physically and mentally. I felt like something just went totally off. So day or two after, I still wasn't feeling like myself but told myself that it was only one episode, and it is over, you know, s*it happens. So I went to the store to by some groceries to cook a nice meal for my boyfriend. Oh I felt to anxious in the store, my head was spinning, I was sweating. So when I was already at the cash register, my panick hit the highest mark, I apologized to cashier, telling that I feel sick, so I have to get out, I can't wait until she counts my groceries. I guess I looked really sick, as she asked me do I want a glass of water and will I be able to get home on my own. (I'm living abot 3 minutes walk from home). So I half went half run home, as my panick and anxiety was in high level, and I was afraid I would pass out somewhere on the way. I got home very scared. very sad. And that was the last time I went somewhere on my own. I became scared of going outside alone, at some point I wasn' t able to even take out the trash. It's been more than a year now. Of course, I went to see a neurologist, she gave me tons of vitamins,also the same lighht antidepressents which I took years ago, she also offered me that she prescribe some stronger antidepressants but I once again said no to that. She also suggested that I should go and see a shrink. So through a friend of mine, I started to see a shrink. I went to her every week for almost a year. She has helped me a lot, going through my issues, going with me through what I call grey area. Where I did not see a light, it was hard to get out of bed, I was crying a lot, life just seemed pointless, I was tired of my anxiety, I was tired of feeling the way I feel, I was tired of not being able to go places on my own (because before I loved to do that), I was so tired of myself. Tired of my head spinning almost all the time, tired of my personal hell which I had to go through when I needed to get to work on my own (of course, with taxi, bus was no longer an option).I would lie if I say, that suicide did not cross my mind few times. That was the lowest I have ever been. With time I got better, I was now able to take the trash out (haha), I was able to go to cinema with my boyfriend and friends, going shopping and everything people do. But of course, with a dose of anxiety, which is following me everywhere. I mean, it is now in controlable amount, but it also takes work to control it. But still, after more than a year after, I haven't been anywhere on my own. Before it scared me to death to go somehere alone, but not I wouldn't say that I am that scared.. It is just, I haven't been anywhere on my own for more than a year... so I feel like a baby taking my first steps (and those are scary, also exciting). Im currently without work, staying at home, and everyday I tell myself, today I am going to shop on my own, but then I don't do that. I am delying it all the time, cause maybe tomorrow I will feel like it, I will feel stronger than I am today. Writing this, thinking about now after finishing, dressing up and going out, I would lie to myself if I said I am not scared. I am.

I don't know if anyone will be reading this, but I had to say it out loud. And maybe it will help somebody who has similiar problems to see that they are not alone. Cause I know that feeling alone with all this, makes it all more terrifying.

12 Replies
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Thank you so much for sharing your story.....I cried reading it cause I totally understand every last drop of it. It's very hard to deal with all of everything. I'm signing up to get professional help soon. But it's relieving to know I'm not alone in a battle I don't understand.

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Ali you are not alone. It's wonderful you are seeking help. I found it inspires me to write write write. Read it re read one day you can burn those painful pages.

Stay strong please don't miss your appointment. You can do it.

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When I get one I won't because it's been a long time coming for the help I want/need to move forward.

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Mara so happy there is some improvement. May it continue. It's very hard I know. You are a strong person just waiting to get out and take the world by storm.

Good luck. Keep writing. Baby steps you go girl

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I’ve been thiking for some time now to find someplace where I can write down my feelings and share my story with other people, and I guess I have found a place.

Tho reading about anxiety sometimes trigers the anxiey even more, so I am taking it slow. :)

Thanks for you support, it means a lot! :)

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Mara what kind of music did you listen to help in your healing?

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Meditation music helps, to sit in the quiet place, close your eyes, breathe and just feel yourself.

Also, well, it is hard to say what music exactly. I can name some songs, maybe funny, but I feel motivated after listening Katy Perry- Roar. Also Pink - Try. When I need just to shake myself :DI listen to Taylor Swift- Shake it off.

Basically I am more looking into lyrics, positive, powerful!

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Wonderful I was just wondering I have used meditation music but it's hard where I'm at to meditate....I'm thinking of trying out old soul music but music is hard for me cause I feel everything too intensely..... something that comes with the over thinking maybe. I hope anyways.

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Yeah, I get it.

As my anxiety comes together with my head spinning, fast heart rate and headache, sometimes when I get too excited about something, I feel all those things. And music sometimes can do that trick.

So everything step by step, little by little. What I learned, to listen to my body, what it can or cannot handle at that moment. I used to be ashamed of admiting that I cannot do something, but now I don’t do that anymore. So do whatever it takes to make you feel better, you will find your recipe. :)

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I find myself relating to the music so I just find some and dance to it

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Aliftimago, it's true that in listening to music we can tend to feel emotions too intensely. When I meditate (several times a day) it's to Audio videos on Meditation and Deep Breathing. The soothing voices of Michael Seeley or Quiet Mind Café or the Honest Guys, allows you to focus on their voices as well as calming methods which relax rather than stimulate emotions.

In times of low stress and I want to be motivated, I listen to Rachel Platten's "Stand by You" as well as "Fight Song". Can feel a high after listening to those songs which produce Positive Affirmations.

We each have to find what works for us, the thing is not waiting until we absolutely are in a crisis but making meditation a practiced daily method. xx

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It is to be scared. Taking those baby steps. Hopefully it will ease a little each time you take a positive step

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