This is my story

Hi everyone, I thought I would have to write to you all because I do not have any family anymore to consult with or talk to, as I lost my entire family circle in one huge blow, back in 2017. I have suffered severe depression and anxiety now for years which came on since a near-fatal diving accident back in 1988 where my friend and dive buddy drowned in a cave diving accident we were both diving at a depth of 120ft down and 100 yards in. I panicked and did an emergency accent bursting my lung, exploding my sinuses and my eyes were black with pooled blood plus I was paralysed from the waist down suffering an aneurysm to the brain and was airlifted to the hospital where it took me 6 months to fully recover and regain the use of my feet and legs. I began suffering regular panic attacks every day at first and had lots of severe anxiety flashbacks suffering from PTSD after the event with so many nightmares and bad sweaty dreams. I felt in many ways it should have been me who died on that fateful day and ever since then I always live with the feeling that I am living now on borrowed time.

Mum always kept me from slipping deeper and deeper into a depressive state as she was the sort of lady who felt depression was simply a figment of the human imagination and did not feel it really existed and you could simply shrug it off like a blanket but I have cried to her so many occasions questioning and wondering why I was ever placed on this earth to suffer mentally torture and torment every day the way I have. When I was a little child being the youngest of 4 siblings and seeing my siblings marry and have children it was the only way for me to be a homemaker like them settle down at a very young age but life always throws you a kerb ball and I soon learned and discovered settling down with the idyllic life partner was not only a short-lived fantasy but something that appeared to be only written in fantasy books as I managed 2 broken failed marriages and a string of multiple failed relationships and 3 children, 2 of them I have never seen since birth. My longest encounter in a relationship was 17 years with me gaining sole custody of my son, and my second longest relationship was a little over 7 years with a wonderful woman with whom I shared many fond memories with. I have in that time had 2 major crisis episodes of wishing to take my own life and going as far as actually planning my own death, making a lethal concoction of liquid painkillers to swallow, I was lucky and my mum found me about to drink it at the very last moment who quickly insisted I go straight with her to mental health unit in the hospital for assessment and treatment. Since losing her back in 2017 to Alzheimer's disease at 83 it has brought on so much stress struggling to cope with anxiety and nightmares every night which seem so real at the time, so many tears have fallen since, suicidal thoughts and tendencies resulting with me self harming myself to relieve the pain and the relentless thoughts of not having anything now to live for.

only 6 months previous I had just lost my wife I lost my wife to cancer so it was a huge monumental shock and knock to the system and left me on my own for the first time ever in my life. My brothers and sister have never spoken to me ever since losing my mum, they have never contacted me or rung to say "hello" or anything?

Mum lived with me and I was mum's sole carer and confident and she trusted me implicitly with all her affairs especially the handling of her money and estate leftover. in many ways, it was the best thing for my siblings to avoid contacting me as they never showed me any interest and love or any respect at all while we were a family so to speak so it was not like it was any loss to me at all. I would not even go as far as to say they were never particularly likeable people as they always belittled me.

I drummed up the courage to eventually pack up and move location altogether moving from a 3 bed property to a 1 bed bungalow in a remote country village location. I found the overall peace and quiet quite overwhelming compared to the outside noise of town life but it gave me time and plenty of peace to make myself a new life, adjust to a new reality and try to rebuild a life again. I went on a dating site after settling in and found a lady who has now moved in with me and she is still here today over 30 months later.

We have both survived the Covid pandemic without going insane with each other and we've both had our second injections now so we're both up to date.

My health hasn't improved and is not good, I am now freshly diagnosed with type 2 diabetes with high cholesterol and also obese but losing weight with dieting and eating sensibly losing over 1.5 stone already, My daily exercise has been hampered with me also suffering fibromyalgia which inflames regular so I have many ongoing problems with my legs and Achilles tendons and calf muscles and walk with the aid of a walking stick and leg supports and shoe insoles.

Mentally, I am still struggling and still very low in my esteem and not happy at all as I still miss my mum incredibly, I wonder where she is right now and what she is doing if, in fact, she is somewhere at all or is it just a wish list. I still feel totally lost without her especially not having anyone left in my family to talk or contact anymore so it gets kind of lonely. My health condition does not allow me to do many things these days, holidays and overnight stays are now a thing of the past, We do manage the odd days shopping and walk and still achieve a few activities for maybe a few hours but I seriously pay the price afterwards in pain with days in total agony recovering from fatigue and leg pain.

Every day feel exactly the same, I have no one apart from my partner to talk to as I do not have any friends or social network so because of my illnesses attempted to engage and make new ones as I feel it wouldn't be fair on them. I am as they say, "the result of my own doing" but to me when you are deeply depressed who wants to listen to a person like me. I have not particularly liked myself a great deal and since my depression disliked myself and life even more wondering constantly where I ever went realistically wrong.

I watched a documentary the other night on tv with Louis Theroux on assisted death and euthanasia and morbid curiosity led me to youtube to researched this more it frightened me how easy it had now become to decide when and where it is suitable to end your life despite it being so controversial in a lot of countries and banned, apparently this is not called a suicide but an assisted death or dying with dignity according to the programme which in many cases takes place when the individual is of reasonable health and mental condition to do so. Belgium hosts this kind of practice and as long as you have 3 separate doctors both concluding you are of sound mind and adamant you are ready and willing to die and go through with this procedure, then the process takes place and a time is then set in motion. The idea of this has gone through my head a few times since watching this programme and I feel really bad that I have come this far to even think and considered such a morbid drastic thing, leaving my partner and my 2 dogs to suffer but my mental stature especially my deep depression has not improved, my health condition is never going to get better and improve from here on so the thought has gone through my mind which has frightened me, to be honest, to believe engaging in such a thing today is now actually possible and there are people out there who help you do this kind of thing.

I have been so down and depressed as of recent. my garden is the only release that I have that gives me any pleasure in attending to. I feel so often like I am not allowed to speak about these sorts of issues or express how dreadful It all makes me actually feel. I have absolutely no one to turn to or towards, and no one who fully understands the full-on implications of severe depression and anxiety as I feel most people think it can just go away with taking a headache pill or talking to a counsellor, or having a lie-down and sleep it off. I have spoken to loads of counsellors and it doesn't just do it for me. trust me, I know?

I know there must be literally millions of people out there tormented and torn apart every day with grief just like me with life's traumas and feel exactly like I do.

So you decide.....am I literally going out of my mind or what?

[Hb2003]

Hello welcome I’m so sorry about everything that happened lots of kindness love and support –Hiba

[Hidden in reply to Hb2003]

Thank you for your message x👍

[Hb2003 in reply to Hidden]

Your welcome 🙏 ☺️

[b1b1b1]

You have had a very difficult time and I am very sorry. The most immediate thing you should do is to find a psychiatrist. This may be more difficult in a rural area. One approach is to go to the nearest hospital and contact the psychiatric department. I think they would be able to help you to find someone. You should also explain to them how depressed you are. The psychiatrist is likely to prescribe antidepressants and these can make a world of difference.

I don't know if you are religious, but joining a church can have many benefits. You do not have to be at all religious to do this. It is likely in this way that you would make some friends. Further, most churches have some activities that people can get involved in, either on a regular basis or on an occasional voluntary basis. For this purpose I would recommend a Protestant church, as they are particularly very welcoming to new people. This does not mean you have to officially become a member. It does not make a difference. Also, most of them have "caring" committees to help attendees in destress.

I am not particularly religious, but after my husband died, a friend virtually dragged me with her to her church. It was calming and I did meet some very nice people.

Please let us know how you get on. xx

[TangledUpIn in reply to b1b1b1]

I've found Unity churches to be real friendly too😇😇😇

[TangledUpIn]

Oh my gosh! Your dive accident - what a nightmare you endured 😬

[Midori]

What will your Partner think if you abandon her because you are depressed? Will she cope, or follow you into depression and despair? It's rather unkind, when you have a loving partner, to suicide, or attempt it.It will make her feel unloved, and unwanted.

I'm a suicide widow with two children, fortunately now grown up, and I am also disabled, but there is life out there, beyond that dark tunnel. It took me many years to break free, and the children gave me the strength to carry on for them. Eventually it happened and I turned myself around. My daughter is now married and I am a grandma. Unfortunately I don't see them as they are many miles away and I can no longer drive die to failing sight. My son is my carer (his choice), and we live together in a bungalow. We have our own parts of the place, so we aren't getting on each other's nerves! I too have both Fibromyalgia and C-PTSD and am borderline for Type 2 diabetes, but Covid has put my exercise and diet regime up the Swanee. My fitness has crashed.

You say you lost your family in one stroke

As to your siblings, you say they haven't attempted to contact you; Have you reached out to them? It goes both ways, and they probably have busy lives as well. Those who don't make an effort will be left behind eventually, so call or write them, please, catch up on what is happening in their worlds. It may open doors for you.

I'm sorry if I appear to be being tough on you, but you sound so deep in your depression that you appear to have forgotten other people who love and need you.

I know you feel guilt about your Dive partner and you are missing your mother and your late wife; but there is nothing you could have done for any of them and wishful thinking cannot bring either of them back. To honour them, the best thing you can do is to live a good life and tell their stories. Also, you only mentioned your son once, and you gaining custody; is he grown? Can you contact him?

Please, go to your doctor and get some help. I pulled myself up by my own bootstraps and the needs of my children and in the last few years I have become the matriarch of my whole family, due to the senior members passing. Get some hobbies going, get yourself as fit as you can, don't wallow in guilt and regret. There IS life out there, and you aren't alone.

Cheers Midori