Is it me ior my brain making me feel this?

[CanuckAnon]

So I was supposed to go out on a date of sorts (1st time in forever) and well it was cancelled bcuz of a work thing that they forgot about. I combatted made other plans with my dogs ( yes I asked them if they wanted to - no judgement lol)... we went for super long trek, I dressed for it as it was coldish (-16C) that’s not cold cold for me b4 everyone freaks out shivering. I had 4 very warm layers on, snow gear, dogs had winter coats, warm water, paw warmers. I had hot tea in insulated mug. I grew up with 6 months winter so I prepare for it exp during February!

We went ended up being like 2 hours... we were all enjoying it. I did not bring my phone as a precaution for the crap spinning I was trying to walk off and avoid txt msgs that could be sent if I hit a weak moment with insecurity, trust etc. I got home but did not rush to txt them I made it home... 20-30 mins later car pulls up to my house so dogs freak out I calm dogs back. Person gets back in car drives away... I know who this was and who asked them to come by...🤬 crap had not been spinning till this trigger. I was not trusted to be independent enough to employ my basic common sense in winter ( I am broken, useless, pitied, not seen as equal partner level) they do not think I can be Independent(I’m not good enough will never be so why bother trying to be something i will never be seen as). I get it lots of self pity but considering day b4 I could not get out of house for a good chunk of time I was rocking it! I was proud tbh. I then txtd to express the consequence of this action etc ... craaap all the crazy stuff flew out of my thumb! My brain spinning... poor hamster.

Rest of night they apologizes missing the point and ignoring with apologies which are doing nothing. 😕

I went to bed cuz I didn’t wanna deal with the crap in my head anymore....

I wake up with my thoughts freaking me out, not trusting myself let alone anyone else, not believing that I will ever reach my goals or have any faith instilled in me again so I will never be seen as equal again. Yes I’m an over achiever, hard on myself etc but is this me facing reality or my brain playing evil dirty games? Do I need to re-examine my priorities?

[Depresseddoglover]

Congratulations on having a lovely doggy date! I think that it is reasonable for your partner or whomever to check up on you because logically you have had difficulties managing certain things in the past (according to your posts) Also, I think it shows that someone cares about your wellbeing. But understandably you want to be independent so it's best to communicate that to your partner and perhaps have a system in place in case they worry about you in the future. In my humble opinion your brain is telling you stories and the facts seem perfectly reasonable, based on your shared history.

[Hidden]

Personally try not to be so angry and move on, Life in general does not understand how you feel and how you need to move on. Only you can do that for yourself,

Sometimes in life we can meet someone who after a cursory meeting we understand that is not the right person for us. Consider you will find someone suitable when you have deep respect for yourself. You should expect the one person who you respect will also be respectable to you, given that you will both grow together and have a happy trusting relationship

BOB

[cnt6870]

I think you and I could be one and the same when left with our thoughts! I try not to think of everything as overachieving but that you want to get stuff done. And trust me, I've went back and forth on the idea that maybe i'm doing too much or not enough. I think this goes to show that we all are working on some kind of balance in our lives and that's okay. Whether its your brain or you or some kind of influence, you know what you are capable of and you should know what you can or can't do and you obviously are strong enough to recognize that.

[CanuckAnon in reply to cnt6870]

Ya you get it... I know what I can and can not do. I learned that the hard way which makes me aware enough to know I don’t want to go back there. I just want to be given the benefit of doubt that I have progressed on the right path heading towards a goal instead of being questioned about being able to. I don’t want to be told I need more time to wait till I can do whatever.

I understand their reasoning but at same time I think they are dwelling on what or how used to be not what it’s like presently or could be in future cuz I’ve worked my butt off.

[Hidden]

No you gotta think of the other person..they cared where you were. Many people don't deal with subzero temperatures and absence. This was the sign of their anxiety . They need help as well so accept they apologized but it was their insecurity not yours.

[CanuckAnon in reply to Hidden]

I totally get where they were coming from, understand their motivation, understand the reasoning behind their worry but at same time their very reaction triggered my anxiety for reasons.

They are telling me that they have noticed I’ve progressed, self awareness is up and that they see the hard work I’ve put in, noticed how I’m being supportive of their life, activities etc... the sorta date is a big freaking deal in an emotional milestone way. So to say I have progressed and such then question me about winter common sense...

I get the caring is nice, sweet etc but it’s the bubble wrap that’s stuck around me that I’m frustrated with....

Believe me I have looked at it from both sets of boots... I get it but I still can react to it and this is what this is....

[Hidden]

If you believe they are working on you to manipulate you then its your decision not to take things further. In your work you have to steer clear of people who can harm your credibility at work. Gossip can be damaging.

[CanuckAnon in reply to Hidden]

This is not work. I do not work am not able to. I agree positive influence is best though and gossip sucks large. I avoid it and drama.... I’m not worried about my credibility at all but I agree with what you are saying. 😊

[Hidden in reply to CanuckAnon]

You are independent ,self sufficient , and know what you need. You must be a writer as all these experiences are interesting to people who don't have such a severe climate. Hope you write a book..

[CanuckAnon in reply to Hidden]

😂😂😂😂 Thanks that made me laugh when I needed it. Got yet a surprise snow blanket overnight 😕on doctor day of course just to make fighting traffic all the more interesting... 🤪 swear people forget how to drive when it snows!

[Hidden in reply to CanuckAnon]

Ha! On the way to the doctor someone skidded into the car and you missed your appointment. This made you so anxious you decided to become a hermit. 😁😚😜

[CanuckAnon in reply to Hidden]

Could very well but knock on 🌳🌲🌴it did not - I’m sitting in doctors office super early enjoying free wifi... I’m enough of a hermit already don’t need a fender bender for that 😂😂 just call me crazy puppy lady Of the great white north 😊

[Hidden in reply to CanuckAnon]

Are you still waiting hope appointment goes well. My family have a pup..do mischievous .her nickname is Sharkie she has a big set of gnashers for a little dog.

[CanuckAnon in reply to Hidden]

I got out a few minutes to 4 and home now 😊 eating dinner pain free!

[Hidden in reply to CanuckAnon]

So pleased you are pain free. Those pups sound adorable. We have an old cat who I adore. She goes on holiday with us as she would pine or run off if she was left with family and pets. Pet's are wonderful companions. It is night now so off to sleep.

[CanuckAnon in reply to Hidden]

Night night 6pm here

[Hidden in reply to CanuckAnon]

Thank you . Hope you have a good evening with lots of wagging tails and cuddles.

[CanuckAnon in reply to Hidden]

😊😴😂🐶🐶

[Hidden in reply to CanuckAnon]

🤗🤗🤗

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Weather cold but mild by your standards. Bright and sunny. Do you have dog training classes . We are trying to help puppy from jumping up and barking as we open the door. Am going to put some seedlings in pots in the garden. Have a good day.

[CanuckAnon in reply to Hidden]

Lol my dogs are not trained.. they just follow me around everywhere.... mine are blocked from front door by a piece of plywood. They make noise and peek over plywood when I come in too.

It’s above 0 today here and sunny sunny sunny!!!

Enjoy your seedlings! My garden is covered in snow... 🙁

Happy ☀️ Day!!!

[Hidden in reply to CanuckAnon]

Thank you. Rescued some hyacinths which had new close buds . Repotted them. Tomato seedlings leggy so put them in greenhouse . Spring round the corner. Pleased you are feeling better.

[CanuckAnon in reply to Hidden]

I love gardening... it’s my zen place!!! You are lucky to have a greenhouse... I would never leave it personally.... I have a corner with grow lights for mine...😊☀️☀️☀️

[Hidden in reply to CanuckAnon]

Ace..do you have a seed propagator indoors? Mine has an electric plug to hear it. It has a layer of green felt where I put soil from last year's tomato plants . I am going to use seeds from a large fresh Vine tomato as think these might be stronger. Still cold but sun through glass makes it warmer. Do you have nurseries for plants near you? Always a joy to buy polyanthus and to wait for primroses.

[CanuckAnon in reply to Hidden]

I collect seeds from my own plants... I grow in soil under lights, start seeds in pellets. I don’t like spending $ on nursery plants. I only buy seeds for hot peppers (pepper jack ) I think it’s called and an organic supplier for tomateos, snow peas (as mine didn’t grow well last summer) and new stuff I wanna try. I’m in zone 5 I believe. I’m gonna try citrus fruit inside this year... 😊

[Hidden in reply to CanuckAnon]

That's exciting. We use last year's dinner beans and farm potatoes sprouting for veggies. We have apples stored in sheds for winter months which helps for puddings. 😁😁😁😁

[CanuckAnon in reply to Hidden]

I do that for potatoes and green onions. I grow green onions all year long..

$2.99 for bunch of 4-5 small weeny ones. 😡 winter produce prices are yucky and quality not so good. You could grow some nice stuff in your green house in winter... kale, spinach, parsley, chard, Basel.. for me it’s if there’s a will there is a way... 🤣 growing stuff was the answer for me. I would sleep in my greenhouse when my anxiety was bad.... that would be my literal zen garden.... 😂

[CanuckAnon in reply to CanuckAnon]

I’m medicated currently 😳so if I ramble... excuse me...😊

[Hidden in reply to CanuckAnon]

Sleeping in a green house sounds chilly but you are potty about gardening and pets. That is great. Your day is full. Ours needs tidying up full of hanging baskets to hang outside when the storms stop. It is raining now. Pleased you are feeling better and your trip to doctor helped. Must get on as am behind tidying up. Have a lovely day.

[CanuckAnon in reply to Hidden]

Good morning... ☕️ Potty am I? If I had a greenhouse it would have to be heated so not too chilly. 😊 hope your tidying up goes smooth. Rain huh? Yuck... have a lovely afternoon I guess it’s only wake up time for me... 😴😴😴🌷🌼🌺🌸🍁

[Hidden in reply to CanuckAnon]

Potty😃 mad😁 infatuated🤗 about gardening. It's dry this afternoon . Went out to a shed to do some painting. Going over old canvases to make them look better. Did some tidying but feeling lazy . Hubby stays out all day in the garden but it's my turn to cook so it will be easy to make. Hope you have a great day today.

[CanuckAnon in reply to Hidden]

I’m just having early lunch.. chicken soup I made other day..

Glad to hear u got some painting done.... good for u!

Take care and enjoy your easy mystery dinner ... 😊

[CanuckAnon in reply to CanuckAnon]

What kind of wine goes with easy mystery? 😂

[Hidden in reply to CanuckAnon]

Ha !no mystery there. We don't drink wine often just for special occasions . I like certain white wines but am on meds so can't have much. I take a sleeping pill so can't drink alcohol within 6 hours of going to sleep . When I have a drink I am awake all night without a tablet. Does your med interact with alcohol some drugs might have reactions with driving.

[CanuckAnon in reply to Hidden]

My meds are different strains of marijuana or nerve blocks. No interactions just munchies sometimes... or a bit of an airhead.... 😂 I just don’t drink cuz it’s like setting myself up for more of a headache... I don’t like hangovers so I just don’t drink really.. rare times I have 1-2 beers that’s all.

[Hidden in reply to CanuckAnon]

😗😗😗

[Hidden in reply to CanuckAnon]

The mystery meal was cooked by hubby. Think I ll make some Salmon fish cakes with vegetables tonight. Fine and sunny here. Hubby is making a small she'd about 5 ft by 4 from old wood lying about. Are you still in deep snow? Have pups been rolling around in the fresh air..they sound so cute.

[CanuckAnon in reply to Hidden]

They don’t really like snow or water so it’s funny to watch them tip toe around... lol

Salmon cakes sound yummy 😋

[Hidden in reply to CanuckAnon]

They must be dainty dogs tip toeing in the snow. Do they have cute dog coats. It's trying to put a coat on a dog which is worthy of a comedy award. Do you have a planting rosta? My grandson likes plants so we think we will try to grow cuttings for plants . We can grow fruit hydrangeas from cuttings also bamboo and others. We have a chard bed still growing thru the winter. It's delicious. Being self sufficient is a way of cutting food bills. We have over 500 smallholdings in our area and that does not include farms. Our area is protective of farms as they form the export and industry with arable and sheep farming. We have woollen mills with local wool spun and knitted. You sound as if you live in the country too.

[CanuckAnon in reply to Hidden]

Sounds super peaceful , here it’s dairy, pig, sheep, horses chickens, cash crops, hay, wheat, barley, corn, vegetables, sun flowers.... woollen mill now is about 35-40 km away. Local one closed about 6 years ago.

I agree self sufficiency does cut food bills large! It’s just gotten expensive to heat greenhouses here... carbon tax on all forms of heat, even hydro. Actually the stupid tax makes farming in general more expensive. It’s getting really hard!

[Hidden in reply to CanuckAnon]

Yes.but you have a vast country. We have farms but our country is full of egg heads and boffins which don't want us to be self sufficient but import more food which is expensive from distribution costs. Ministers quote Adam Smith who in his era we had large farms and rural areas. He felt industrialization was the core of prosperity. He forgot people can't eat industrial goods. That sounds so similar with the woollen mill and the farms. Never thought sheep farming was a major player. Agree about electricity but read your country has electrical wiring round underground pipes to stop burst pipes. That is sensible. You have the best of all worlds with sea and country close by.

[CanuckAnon in reply to Hidden]

I’m about a 2 day drive east to Atlantic Ocean and 6 day drive to pacific. I do have plenty of lakes, rivers, streams and beaver ponds around me though. 😊 edit: 7-9 day drive, sled or dog team to Arctic Ocean...

[Hidden in reply to CanuckAnon]

Never knew you were nine days walking distance from the artic. Expect warmer weather will help pain as it does help rheumatic or none complaints. Sunshine gives you more vitamin D3 through the skin but during the winter months you get depleted. Lucky you have fatty fish to help your vitamin levels. Do you get cod or salmon fresh supplies? Expect you have more fish types than where we live.

[CanuckAnon in reply to Hidden]

Cod and salmon are expensive here ironically bcuz they are exports. There is farmed salmon which is cheaper but there is nothing like pacific salmon or Atlantic cod. Around here it’s bass, perch, pickerel, some salmon, pike, trout, Muskie and catfish. The Arctic Ocean is more like a 6-7 day drive to end of roads then a 1-2 day trek by sled or dog team... the North has very few roads...

[Hidden in reply to CanuckAnon]

Sardines in oil are fine. I use wild link Pacific salmon in my fishcakes. Cod liver oil gele is cheaper found in many supermarkets here. Mackerel tuna and herring are fatty fish. Oats contain vitamin d and b vitamins but complete wheat bran is highest in b vitamins one ounce of Kellogg's will give complete daily requirement of these . Closed cap mushrooms have d vitamin too. Vitamin A and beta carotene is found in carrot and is assimilated in cooked carrots. Iron and d go together . Don't knock any help from parents they would be upset if they knew you had all these problems and would want to help Blow the cost you need eyesight test and chiropractor's help to help assess if you have bone impact fusion or arthritis in the neck due to the accident. It will help reassure you. I do head and neck exercises as get ringing in the ear and find they help as When I turn my head from side to side feel crystals or grits crunching. Also have ear problems. With the right assessment it does help and it is now five years on from your accident. Are you dogs huskies ?

[Hidden in reply to CanuckAnon]

Fish cakes we're good. Like your new post. It's good to be alive.

[CanuckAnon in reply to Hidden]

That it is! Tea time for me... yes some habits from my grandma die hard.... lol

[Hidden in reply to CanuckAnon]

Brilliant. Life is your oyster. Ha!

[Hidden]

So you left your puppies behind whilst you went to the docs?

[CanuckAnon in reply to Hidden]

Yes.... I leave them 1x /week for 3-3.5 hours otherwise they are glued to me....