This right here is my last chance to try to find myself. I need support and love in my life, because my mind is taking over. I need a friend to talk to. Please.
My depression and anxiety started after my mom passed away in 2007. It was just before my thirteenth birthday. Needless to say, my teenage years were very difficult living without the guidance of my mom. To top it off, my dad has become an alcoholic,which consisted of him emotionally abusing my little sister and I. I was relieved when my sister took off for the Navy because I knew she would no longer have to go through it. I didn't have to protect her anymore; I took it all.
I feared to be in my own house. I hated myself because he made me feel like I did everything wrong. It’s pounded into my brain that I'm the bad person. I second guess everything that I do and everything that comes out of my mouth, so often I just stay quiet.
I feared to be in my own house. I hated myself because he made me feel like I did everything wrong. Its pounded into my brain that I'm the bad person. I second guess everything that I do and everything that comes out of my mouth, so often I just stay quiet. Then everything builds up inside of me and I have panic attacks.
It got to the point where I thought maybe he would hurt me. He would back me up against the wall and scream in my face. All I could do was take it because if I said anything, he would only get angrier. I was coming home from work 10-11 pm and he would rip into me just because he was drunk and stressed from work. I was skipping dinner because I didn't want to be around him. I'd come home and go straight to bed, and even then I fell asleep every night listening to his screams.
I started cutting myself just for a little relief from the emotional pain. Something about the physical pain made me feel better. I spent most of my teen years wearing long sleeves and make up to cover up the bloody slices running up my arms, stomach, and legs. I'd spend hours in front of the mirror bullying and beating myself up over every little thing. I stopped eating as a way to have some kind of control over my dad. He couldn't make me eat. And he didn't. I would spend three sometimes four hours sitting at the dinner table some nights because I refused to let him force me eat. I lost so much weight the school called home, and then it became a real fight for him.
My life changed a couple years ago when I met my loving boyfriend. After about a month of knowing him, he took me into his home because he knew how afraid and miserable I was at home. His family has show me more love than anyone ever has, I’m so very thankful to have them in my life. If it weren’t for them, I wouldn’t be here anymore. Even with this, I find myself feeling alone. I know no one understands me. My boyfriend simply doesn’t know how to help me. It frustrates him when I have panic attacks and when I randomly act up. I can see the stress in his eyes. So I keep it in as best as I can and when I feel a panic attack coming on, I try to make sure I’m in private. I need someone to talk to that can lift me up when I’m feeling low. I need a friend all together… but I don’t think I’m capable of making friends anymore.
So please, If you have been amazing enough to read this entire thing, could you reach out to me? I’m alone and stuck in these thoughts in my head. I need a friend. Thank you so much. <3
xx
Hello friends, I’m new here ☺️
first time here, depression
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I'm new here but now I don't feel so alone.
Sometimes I Feel Like I'm Ruined
