This right here is my last chance to try to find myself. I need support and love in my life, because my mind is taking over. I need a friend to talk to. Please.
My depression and anxiety started after my mom passed away in 2007. It was just before my thirteenth birthday. Needless to say, my teenage years were very difficult living without the guidance of my mom. To top it off, my dad has become an alcoholic,which consisted of him emotionally abusing my little sister and I. I was relieved when my sister took off for the Navy because I knew she would no longer have to go through it. I didn't have to protect her anymore; I took it all.
I feared to be in my own house. I hated myself because he made me feel like I did everything wrong. It’s pounded into my brain that I'm the bad person. I second guess everything that I do and everything that comes out of my mouth, so often I just stay quiet.
I feared to be in my own house. I hated myself because he made me feel like I did everything wrong. Its pounded into my brain that I'm the bad person. I second guess everything that I do and everything that comes out of my mouth, so often I just stay quiet. Then everything builds up inside of me and I have panic attacks.
It got to the point where I thought maybe he would hurt me. He would back me up against the wall and scream in my face. All I could do was take it because if I said anything, he would only get angrier. I was coming home from work 10-11 pm and he would rip into me just because he was drunk and stressed from work. I was skipping dinner because I didn't want to be around him. I'd come home and go straight to bed, and even then I fell asleep every night listening to his screams.
I started cutting myself just for a little relief from the emotional pain. Something about the physical pain made me feel better. I spent most of my teen years wearing long sleeves and make up to cover up the bloody slices running up my arms, stomach, and legs. I'd spend hours in front of the mirror bullying and beating myself up over every little thing. I stopped eating as a way to have some kind of control over my dad. He couldn't make me eat. And he didn't. I would spend three sometimes four hours sitting at the dinner table some nights because I refused to let him force me eat. I lost so much weight the school called home, and then it became a real fight for him.
My life changed a couple years ago when I met my loving boyfriend. After about a month of knowing him, he took me into his home because he knew how afraid and miserable I was at home. His family has show me more love than anyone ever has, I’m so very thankful to have them in my life. If it weren’t for them, I wouldn’t be here anymore. Even with this, I find myself feeling alone. I know no one understands me. My boyfriend simply doesn’t know how to help me. It frustrates him when I have panic attacks and when I randomly act up. I can see the stress in his eyes. So I keep it in as best as I can and when I feel a panic attack coming on, I try to make sure I’m in private. I need someone to talk to that can lift me up when I’m feeling low. I need a friend all together… but I don’t think I’m capable of making friends anymore.
So please, If you have been amazing enough to read this entire thing, could you reach out to me? I’m alone and stuck in these thoughts in my head. I need a friend. Thank you so much. <3
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Trebleedias123
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Trebleedias123, a very heart wrenching post but I'm so glad you reached out to this
site. I am very sorry for the lost of your mother at such a young age. I can understand how lost you must have been for yourself as well as your younger sister. It sounds like you are in a safe place physically now with people who love and care about you. But I understand the emotional pain and residue is still there and need to be addressed.
Anxiety is a very lonely disorder because others can't understand the emotional pain we go through. We need people around us and yet we want to be alone when suffering.
You do need a friend who understands and can comfort your thoughts. With this forum,
you will have many friends who can talk with you and share their own experiences with you, not making you feel so alone. This is a safe place to come to where you will never be judged, belittled or yelled at.
I glad to welcome you today and become your first friend on this site. My name is Agora1
I’m so sorry hun for everything you’ve been through and are still struggling with. The people on this site are simply amazing and have help me out! Nothing but positive on here!! Don’t be afraid to message me if you need someone to chat with!! I’ll help as best as I can! Keep your head up!!
Hi there, welcome to this forum. I’m so glad you wrote your post. I suffer panic attacks and extreme anxiety, I rely a lot on my husband. I’m a codependent. Sometimes just carrying out my daily responsibilities are hard, I’m trembling in fear. So I can definitely relate to that. I highly suggest you get into codependents anonymous, it is a free 12 step program and hopefully there are meeting groups near you. If there aren’t, then Alanon is another option. You have been through so much, it’s no wonder you suffer with anxiety. There is a lot of growth you can do to become a stronger person, it takes time so be gentle with yourself. I’m growing and becoming stronger but each step is very painful and sometimes I don’t think I can do it. We are here to encourage each other. ❤️
Thank you so much . I'm sorry to hear about your troubles. It's good to know I'm not alone and I will definitely look into that program. I want to better myself. If you need anything, let me know. I'm here for you too. <3
I’m so, so sorry that you’ve been through this. I’m so proud of you for being brave enough to share this with us as well as to push through every obstacle that you’ve had to deal with. Please feel free to message me privately or openly anytime you need to, I’ll be your friend. We are a very supportive group of people here. We will listen to you vent & talk to with you as much as you need. Stay strong, girlie. <3
My mom died in 2007 when I was 13-14 years old. Head on car collision. My dad didn't take it well he started drinking as well. My grandmother moved in with us I had a boyfriend at the time and I was forced to break up with him. I was depressed for 2 years. I was angry I couldn't eat I was cutting. I helped my dad raise my sister's. I was forced to grow up too early. Now I damn myself by mothering my past boyfriends. I don't know what else to do. I have panic attacks all the time. I'm sick, and my lastest ex boyfriend couldn't stand to see me so worried. He couldn't understand and didn't know how to help so he left. I feel your pain. I am here.
I'm so truly sorry for everything you have gone through. You are clearly a very strong individual. I have a long complicated history with self-harm and cutting also so I can relate to you in that struggle. I have found a lot of kindness on this site, and I know you will as well.
I'm not in a good place mentally either, so I don't have a lot to offer but I'm always willing to listen. PM me if you'd like. Take care ❤️
I've used cutting as a way to relieve my panic attacks and anxiety too. I'm sorry to hear what you've been through. It's not easy to try to get to get past everything and still feel like you don't have anyone on your side. Explaining anxiety and panic attacks to a partner is hard. It's also hard to be the partner on the other side. It takes education and understanding and time. I'm glad you're here. I'm new too and this whole thing is new to me. So if you ever just need to talk, feel free to send me a message.
You're right. I can put myself in his shoes, which is why I hate myself even more for it. I wish he was interested in educating himself about anxiety, but he doesn't seem to be. Its good to know that I'm not alone. Thank you so much for your reply. I'm here for you if you need me too. <3
I found that the most frustrating part was not having the words to describe what was happening. It was all feeling. I didn't know how to paint the picture of what was happening in my mind. Have you had any luck with that?
It's hard to paint a picture of an emotion. I have the same exact problem. My man and I got in a fight this morning because I had a panic attack. I wish there was something I could do to make him understand that I'm not meaning for it to happen.
I suppose that it would seem silly to someone who doesn't understand. Panicking for no reason. Why does it cause a fight for you? Just because he doesn't understand or that he's frustrated?
It causes fight's because when I'm in a panic attack I have the tendency to say things that have been bugging me and going through my mind. It's the only time I really open up and I don't even mean to. He asks whats wrong and I tell him "I need love. I feel like I'm not loved right now." Cause my mind tells me otherwise. I feel like everyone is just kind of there because they have to be, I guess? I don't even know if I'm making sense right now. haha
It makes sense. Everything just sort of comes out.
I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through. You found some great company here. If you ever need someone to talk to me, I'm here for you. I hope you find some comfort within this group.
yes,i've had a tough life too, different tho, the last 10 years hell,as i lost the man i actually loved and really nothing has gone right since,just today i heard i'd lost a fraud case Barclays were doing for me, a few thous, this happened through BAD LUCK, i'm not happy, i've been suicidal 9 months now, you work round even that but there is such a thing as 'balance of mind', thank -you for listening to me,i can't think of anything better than GOOD LUCK~BUT I'VE NEVER SEEN HER FACE, YOU CAN STILL SEE HER lady luck god bless
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