How to deal w/abandonment anxiety in a new relationship?

[Stardust2022]

Dating this guy for over a month. He’s very sweet and kind. But there are things that I can’t stop thinking about (just to make this post brief), I’m upset that he:

- doesn’t send me good morning text the first thing he wakes up (usually after 10)

- yesterday was the first time he didn’t text good night

- my birthday was yesterday and he wished It to me after 10 am (after already 12 or more friends wished it to me); I wanted him to be the first one to wish it to me

- he doesn’t text much through the day and I want more of communication and attention

I just can’t get these upsetting thoughts out of my head. It started upsetting me so much that my face broke out. I get hives when I’m stressed. On the surface these Things don’t seem so big but to me they feel very big. How to stop thinking about it? If I tell him what I want differently I’m afraid he’ll think I’m needy or naggy and I don’t want that. Has anyone else had this type of anxiety where Little details drove them crazy? Did you figure out how to handle it?

[Nina2016]

Hi Stardust,

I have similar attachment anxiety issues If you share how you feel and ask for what you want they can respond

One thing you may try is for example telling the person how you like getting their good morning messages. If they know it means something to you they may be more likely to continue.

It can be hard to open up to someone. Give yourself lots of love and respect for putting yourself out there. & don’t forget that you are always number 1.

Good luck! 🥰

[Stardust2022 in reply to Nina2016]

Nina2016 - funny you say that...because I finally did talk to him and told him that it was important to me and he explained his point and also said he'll try. He said that he is not used to do it the first thing in the morning but doesn't mean he's not thinking about me and the one time he didn't text was because he fell asleep. My problem is (I feel) I always look at the negatives and even if the person is near perfect in the way they treat me, I always find something to be upset about. I've been trying to work on that. I've been listening to self-help podcasts and seeing a therapist (which is not new; I've been in therapy for years, but doesn't seem to help much). How do you stop the negative thought pattern or expecting the worst outcome?

[fauxartist]

Speaking from my own abandonment issues, I was taught that those of us dealing with this mental injury always look for the back door out of a relationship almost from the onset of starting out. We fear being hurt or left so much so, that we often have this quiet sense of control by looking for faults or having an escape plan, whether we are aware of it consciously or not.

Trust does not come easy for us and it's hard won by those trying to be our partner, and very hard for them to cope with our continual need for reinforcement in subtle ways. Like if we think they didn't do something we thought they should have to show their love, etc. But they are not mind readers, they don't know what we want or need unless we tell them. It's not easy as we have a tendency to self sabotage and push away those we love out of trust and fear issues, and being alone for many is better than risking being hurt.

Therapy and knowledge is a way to take back your power. Many of us developed this from childhood, and as adults, it does not easily go away. It's a deep injury to our psyche and we need help. But there are some of us who do manage to have relationships, although it can initially be a lot of work, it can happen. It's important that we are honest and up front about our issues with our partners so they don't take some of what we do or say to personally, and give them permission to question why we said something or felt a particular way. We learn to stop self blaming and self loathing, and know that we can be lovable and do deserve love. It's a very difficult and long road...but living life isolated for me is worse.

[IChoose in reply to fauxartist]

This reply was beautiful. I would just add, do you want to be in a relationship with a healthy person, or do you want to find yourself in a relationship with a toxic person? To unravel all your past feelings and hopefully have a healthy relationship you will, I think, need therapy. Otherwise, how can you know what makes you happy, if you grew up without happiness and healthy relationships modeled. Just me thinking.

[fauxartist in reply to IChoose]

Exactly...how do you know what a healthy relationship looks like if you never had any good role models growing up. That's the reason for me, I had to learn what that looked like, and that's how therapy helped me. Not every one can afford therapy, so at one point when I didn't have finances, I found a clinic that allowed you to pay on a sliding scale. There are also a lot of support groups that don't cost money. You just have to do some searching online for what's available in your area. There is also a ton of material to read online. Knowledge is power.

[Stardust2022 in reply to fauxartist]

fauxartist - do you by chance have an example of a support group? Also, I thought I found that "right and healthy" relationship in my marriage but the intimate part wasn't so amazing. I have never been able to find the person who met all my "requirements". One would either be a good person but not much physical connection or great physical chemistry but they were not good for me in other aspects. It's almost like I get attracted to men who like drama and don't treat me right (but I'm also smart enough to leave them; I've broken up with them) however when I think of attraction I'm just trying to understand why can't I be attracted to someone who is good to me and treats me right?

[fauxartist in reply to Stardust2022]

Depending on where you live and what country your in would be the factor in finding any local groups. But I would learn everything you can by going onto some online sites for Abandonment Recovery. I started this journey back in the late 80's and early 90's with a group :Welcome to Adult Children of Alcoholics®/ Dysfunctional Families.

With emphasis on Dysfunctional Families because all of us dealing with the absentee or abusive parent didn't have an alcoholic parent, just a dysfunctional childhood.

I'm not endorsing for suggesting any group or guru, but this may be a good start to understand your not alone with this. Knowledge can help you get your power back.

adultchildren.org/

[Tara52 in reply to Stardust2022]

No one can meet all of your needs. I also had abandonment issues when I was younger. It led to 2 divorces and much disappointment & heartbreak until I got some long term therapy. My suggestion, take it or leave it, is that I would'nt pursue any romantic relationships until I got heathier. 💔

[Stardust2022 in reply to IChoose]

IChoose - good question. But at this point, to be completely honest, I'm thinking - he's an amazing human being and treats me how I want to be treated, we get along really well, he's kind and gentle and considerate, etc. But, there is always a "but"...the chemistry is not as amazing as I've had before. Am I settling or is it my anxiety trying to find something that is "wrong"?

[Stardust2022 in reply to IChoose]

And I've had therapy for YEARS, but it hasn't helped me that much, obviously, since I'm still struggling. I know I need to work on myself. No therapist will "fix" my anxiety; yes, they may help, but as my experience shows it hasn't been THE solution for me. And, my family was very dysfunctional. I grew up without parents pretty much plus some serious mental (very minimal physical) abuse. And then I was married to an amazing guy for 10 years. But the physical aspect became a problem over time. After I felt safe with him for years, he saw me unhappy but he also got tired of trying to work on our relationship. So that was almost like the second abandonment. It's paradoxical, since I was unhappy and wanted to leave, but he was the one who said he didn't want to work on it any longer. I think it affected me deeply. So, now, even if I meet a nice guy I think there is no guarantee, he may just give up and it may not work down the road. I know it doesn't make rational sense, but anxiety rarely does.

[IChoose in reply to Stardust2022]

Ok, I'm catching you right here, "very minimal physical abuse." There is no such thing as very minimal abuse, physical or otherwise. I think you are still learning what it means to be happy and experience pleasure and happiness. If therapy has not worked, a very good Priest in the Catholic Church might help. You could get spiritual counseling. It is always God who heals, and He can work that healing anywhere, but the Church is a nice place to start. You might get some direction and peace. God can satisfy all your need. Then, you may see people more clearly. As Saint Augustine said, "our hearts are restless, until they rest in Thee." God bless and accompany you on this journey. God did not create us to be fixed.

[Stardust2022 in reply to fauxartist]

fauxartist - I was nodding to almost every sentence you wrote. It's almost like I sabotage my relationships before I even let them a chance. I hate that constant need of reassurance. I also feel that even when everything is almost perfect, I still find something to be unhappy about or that one little thing that sets me off. So do you suggest to open up about my self-abandonment anxiety to this person? it is very scary and vulnerable and gives me anxiety that they may leave once they know the real me...but maybe I should put it out in the open. Have you found ways/tools to deal with self-sabotaging behavior and thoughts? What helped you? I don't know if you are still struggling or were able to overcome it.

[fauxartist in reply to Stardust2022]

First thing I would do is start the recovery process.... read everything you can about abandonment and it will blow your mind. Your in a very big family of others just like you. It's only one day at a time and yeah...it sucks we are in this place of fears and questioning ourselves and others, constantly trying to weight situations out...it's exhausting. But there is hope, and there is a road to recovery....we may never completely heal from some very deep mental injuries....but at least we can understand why we feel this way and get help on how to live our lives with this. No one person has the right answer, we are all tailor made, and so too must our recovery be our own...but there are a lot of the same red flags for all of us...

[AuntBee]

Stardust, I couldn’t agree more with the advise from Fauxartist. Dont chase away a sweet and kind guy. To be honest the expectation of texting morning, during the day, and night is too much. To some it may feel suffocating. Also, I dont think constant texts during the day will take away your insecurities. They are for you to handle, not him. Try to live in the moment and enjoy the newness of the relationship. All will be well.

[Stardust2022 in reply to AuntBee]

AuntBee - thank you for your kind words! I do need to be more mindful and try to enjoy and be in the moment. You are right. I don't know if you saw my previous responses but it just seems like a strange and frustrating predicament that when I think of all my past relationships, the best physical chemistry (that's important to me) I've had with those men who were not good for me but not the guys who were really sweet and kind. Like I said, I'm also a rational person and not a masachist so I left those relationships but just analyzing them made me realize this. How do I change that ?

[AuntBee in reply to Stardust2022]

Stardust, you are a very insightful person. I totally understand that physical chemistry is important but I also know that if the chemistry is not instant thats ok, because ultimately looks fade but a man that can keep you laughing, who is kind and patient, he’s got potential. I am also thinking part of the problem you may be experiencing is fear based. Fear of choosing the wrong guy, fear of losing him, fear of getting hurt, fear that you may chase him away. Dating comes with risks. You could get burned. I think if you never step into the kitchen, you wont know what delicious meal you are capable of making. Just start slowly. Its not a race, its a journey - one step at a time.

[Dkdfree]

You cannot control the actions of other's and the sooner you come you accept that, the better you'll be. Explain your needs to him and see where that goes.

[Stardust2022 in reply to Dkdfree]

Dkdfree Thank you for your response and advice!

[Tara52]

How often do you actually see him? Texting relationships are difficult to say the least...they always leave you guessing. You can't see facial expressions or hear voice inflectons in texts. It sounds like you have too many expectations of him so early on. Give him time to get to know you as a friend. Get outdoors together. Find fun things to do.🙂

[Stardust2022 in reply to Tara52]

Tara52 - Yes, texting is not the best. We live about an hour away from each other so we see each other maybe twice a week, so it is a bit challenging.

[Midori]

You do seem to be expecting a lot from him. It's a new relationship, and there are probably a couple of things that irk him about you as well. Let things settle a bit between you before you get too anxious about it all

Cheers, Midori

[Stardust2022 in reply to Midori]

Midori - yes, I've heard that from several people, therapists, my friends - that I have very high expectations. I'm trying to change that. And he definitely sees things that he finds challenging about me, of course. He told me that I overthink and when things are so good between us I always find something negative to bring things down, which is all true. I'm just trying to figure out whether it's my anxiety or whether he's just not the right guy. Who is even THE right guy?

[Midori in reply to Stardust2022]

I don't really know the answer to that. Twice I found who I thought was the one, the first relationship fell apart when we stopped dancing, We were Ballroom dancers, and found we had nothing else in common; and the second on was an Olympic Gold Medal Narcissist!

Cheers, midori

[Stardust2022]

Hidden - thank you for your message! I think you are right. The problem with anxiety (at least in my case) is that we assume the worst. Maybe it's a defense mechanism - expect the worst and have very low expectations so you don't get disappointed or hurt. I actually talked to him and he saw my point and said he'll try to do it the first thing in the morning. But the mental torture I went through until I talked to him was excruciating. I need to figure out how to stop the negative thought pattern.

[Stardust2022]

Found this course that sounds interesting. Could be good for those of us with relationship anxiety. conscious-transitions.com/b...

[DoxieGurl]

Stardust2022, I know this post was a while ago, but I am in a very similar boat as you were. One month in, a wonderful man, my issue is the 11 and 12 year old sons he just got custody of, so now I don't even exist in his world. He says to give him some time to get them settled, then he will introduce me and we can continue with our future plans. I am struggling with panic attacks over my abandonment issues, and I know that it's up to me to fix them. How are things going with you?