I Let My Relationship Slowly Fall Apart

[Lostbuthopeful]

Thank you to anyone who is kind enough to offer their perspective, advice, well wishes, or just your time to read this.

My ex & I broke up about 3 weeks ago. I’m in my late twenties & have only been in a few committed relationships. I’ve never fell so hard. I was hesitant at first b/c I thought it was too good to be true. He was so patient & told me I was worth the wait & he’d be there whenever I was ready. I finally realized this man makes me so happy & treats me like a Queen.

Six months in, I moved. He found a job in the same city & moved in a couple months later. I was worried b/c we hadn’t been together long, but he was perfect. Made dinner, cleaned, massaged my feet after a long day, & just so attentive & caring (also, the best sex of our lives for the both of us). My job involves traveling so I can be gone for 4-5 days at a time working 60-80 hrs/week. The stress of work consumed me. I could no longer control my anxiety/depression. I blew the tiniest things out of proportion & became so nit picky about everything.

I was a horrible gf. He did everything to try & help me. I finally confessed to him in June about my mental health. My erratic behavior now made sense to him. He insisted I get help. I refused. I assured him I would try to take better control of it. I didn’t. I let work take priority over my relationship & my own well being. Come the end of August, he was emotionally drained. I don’t blame him. I’d get so frustrated with myself b/c I knew I was wrong, but I just couldn’t stop. To make it worse, I’m horrible about apologizing.

I recently purchased a house, moved back to our hometown (unrelated to breakup), tore a ligament in my right foot & went on short term disability. I have a new house & now I can barely pay bills until I heal. I fell apart. This ultimately led him to the decision to break up, understandably.

This was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I was officially at my lowest. I secluded myself crying nonstop, didn’t get out of bed, didn’t eat, ignored all calls/texts. I finally scheduled an appt. I was put on WB. It’s only been 2 weeks, but overall I feel better than I have since I can remember. There’s this newfound clarity. I’m no longer thinking/acting based off emotion.

I’ve talked to him since starting treatment & he’s glad I finally got help. But the damage has been done. He said he was 50/50 on if he wanted to keep trying & that I deserved somebody who’d give 100. I asked him if he thought we would’ve worked out if I got help sooner. He was confident we’d be happy b/c we are 100% compatible in every other aspect, the arguments were just unbearable. I’ve apologized & taken full responsibility for my actions.

Should I give him time to emotionally heal & try again or just move on? I’m not the type of person to have regrets, but I can’t help but feel breaking up was a mistake. When things were good, we were the happiest we’d ever been. He said he could be making the biggest mistake of his life b/c I’m the “whole package”, his “dream girl”, & he still loves & cares about me. He says only time will tell, he just seems so over it.

[Hidden]

Hey you got nothing but time. Tell him “fine, let’s keep talking and hanging out; no commitment, just see what happens” Don’t give up if he’s interested too. And stay on your meds! Good luck

[Lostbuthopeful in reply to Hidden]

I kind of brought up this option, but he knows how we are with each other (undeniable chemistry/attraction) and feels it will be unhealthy for our individual growth if we jump right back in. So I don’t think he’d be willing to hang out, but it’s worth a shot. Thank you so much for the advice!

[Hidden in reply to Lostbuthopeful]

Yeah I get that sex can mess it all up.

[Hidden]

I hope your foot feels better.

[Lostbuthopeful in reply to Hidden]

Thank you! Hopefully only a couple more weeks left.

[Ida1]

This dynamic seems a bit co-dependent which I have lived. When one partner feels they carry a huge burden they often fear reconciling. I would just stay friends right now and maybe if it is meant to be, then reconnect when you are on your own two feet.

[Lostbuthopeful in reply to Ida1]

I never noticed that, but I can completely see the signs. This brings a whole new perspective on the situation and now I have no idea what to do/think. I will try to do a bit of research on the topic. Thank you so much for pointing this out.

[Want2BHappy3]

Wow a lot to read, sounds like you Had a good guy for which You sabotage by refusing to go to counseling and committing to what you said you would self help to improve your anxiety. Those of us who suffer from anxiety are a lot to deal with ruining relationship's. My kids isolate me as a way to deal with and my friends don't return calls. So I pretend everything is good. So stop pretending that you can do this Alone, because you can't. If you don't? Your going to be alone. There are consequences for which your already experiencing. Don't mean to be harsh, we sometimes need to be given a wake up call. Take care

[Scigy1 in reply to Want2BHappy3]

Yes, isolation is the hardest part of anxiety and depression. We tend to push people away inadvertently and then feel worse about ourselves for it. I would say a goal of more friendships should be what we strive for while we work to preserve the special one. Stay on treatment, perhaps talk therapy too, and don’t go it alone.

[Lostbuthopeful in reply to Scigy1]

I’m used to isolating myself to “recharge”. I understand every once in a while it’s okay, but avoiding loved ones for months at a time wasn’t healthy. We share most of the same friends so I haven’t had the courage to tell anyone because they’ll be devastated, yet supportive. I just feel like a burden right now. I do think therapy might help. This community helps me feel like I’m not alone. Thank you so much for your advice.

[Lostbuthopeful in reply to Want2BHappy3]

It’s okay, I understand sometimes it’s needed. I definitely had my wake up call when I saw how broken he was. He never really communicated how much it was damaging him, but I should’ve known better. I finally got help and I’m hoping the medication can give me the motivation to start counseling then hopefully wean off eventually. I appreciate your honest advice. I hope one day you are able to stop pretending. It’s tough, but I’m starting to realize it’s necessary for our inner peace.

[Scigy1]

Good luck!

[rach1402]

Aww this sounds like a tragic love story, I hope it has a happy ending 😢 it doesn't sound like he's over it to me. It sounds like work triggered your problems, is there any way you could scale things back a bit work wise? Keep communicating with him while you sort yourself out with therapy and then when you're getting yourself back on track maybe the 2 of you could go to couples therapy together. I wouldn't give up hope, sort yourself out first and then see how you both feel. Fingers crossed for you both x

[Lostbuthopeful in reply to rach1402]

Thank you, I hope so as well. Unfortunately, the end of the year is the busiest for my job. But I’ve been looking to apply elsewhere because of the damage it has caused. Overworked & grossly underpaid, especially for the industry I’m in (oilfield) & the responsibilities I have. But this injury put a pause on that. He also believes if I had a consistent Monday-Friday 9-5 that I’d be a lot happier, which could’ve saved our relationship. I just hope it isn’t too late. I definitely want to look into therapy. I really appreciate your kind words. 💕

[Hidden]

I think if what he is saying is true—and you seem pretty confident in what you had—given time if he sees you still on your meds and stable he might just be back.

[Lostbuthopeful in reply to Hidden]

He said once my meds stabilize (it’s been a roller coaster, but headed the right direction) that we might be able to give it another try. He’s just worried his feelings won’t be the same, which I understand. Thank you for the advice!

[hopeful0907]

I think it is awesome that you have opened your heart and shared your story, anxiety and depression are life consuming and I am proud of you for staking the right steps to healing. As for your relationship, yes time can and does heal people but only if we put forth some effort in showing how much we care and how we have changed. Real love is about working through things together, admitting when we are wrong, asking for forgiveness, and offering the same grace to our mate. Life is hard and filled with times of trial and pain, but if two people really love each other there is nothing that will stop them from fighting FOR each other. Have you continued to take steps to show him you would like to be together? Take it slow and allow for time to help with the healing, but keep trying if he is the one you want to be with. Take care of your health and keep life and work in balance. I hope things work out for you, sounds like you two are a great fit.

[Lostbuthopeful in reply to hopeful0907]

Thank you so much. Just typing it out took some of the weight off my chest. I wasn’t expecting many responses (if any at all) so I am so grateful for the support I am receiving. I told him I’m not giving up on us and he sees that, but doesn’t want me to waste my time just in case he’s not able to heal from this. But just as he told me in the beginning, he’s worth the wait. I’m just so anxious because I haven’t felt like this in so long, the world seems so much brighter and I wish I could share this feeling with him. Thank you for your advice, it gives me the hope I needed.

[hopeful0907 in reply to Lostbuthopeful]

I think you are doing great by keeping the lines of communication open. Most of all, I am so glad your life is turning around and you are seeing life through fresh eyes. I want to encourage you to also keep working on your heart, as I too know the damage depression and anxiety causes in one's life. Allow yourself to heal and grow and even IF things don't work out, stay friends and look towards your future with a renewed hope that will bring love into your life. Fight the good fight and live life to the fullest.

[Hidden in reply to Lostbuthopeful]

Hey—maybe YOU are worth the wait too!!

[Fatima_sh]

Honestly you two sound like you were meant to be, but you faced a few obstacles that made you drift apart and that’s ok. That’s how life is, it’s just one big lesson.

I say wait and give your love for each other a chance, try to be around each other and feelings might spark once more.

And if it doesn’t work out, then continue being on good terms and move on.

Good luck ! ♥️

[Lostbuthopeful in reply to Fatima_sh]

You are so right. This is one of the biggest lessons and I’m doing my best to take the steps needed to get better. He’s hesitant about hanging out because the lines are blurred right now. We still love each other, but he thinks it’s best we have a little time to work on ourselves. I’m respecting his feelings, but I’m also not going to give up because I just miss his presence so much. He’s one of those people that walks in and the room lights up. He has no enemies. It’ll be tough to move on, but like you said, life is one big lesson. Thank you so much for your advice!

[Dananxiety in reply to Lostbuthopeful]

No contact is the best way to go. You need to give him a chance to miss you. If he contacts you, great. You have to treat it as a new beginning, a new relationship. The old relationship is dead and gone.

Whatever you do, don't agree to be "friend zoned". That isn't what you want. If he asks to be friends, tell him that you are only interested in him romantically.

[Lostbuthopeful in reply to Dananxiety]

Thank you for the advice. I slipped up earlier today and called him. 😞 I’ve been on Short Term Disability due to an injury so all I do all day is think about it. I can’t drive since it’s my right foot so it’s difficult to distract myself. The conversation put me through a roller coaster of emotions while he remained the same the entire time, saying he’s been stress free these past 3 weeks and he likes the feeling of doing what he wants, when he wants. It wouldn’t be this difficult if it wasn’t my fault. I had no problem leaving an 8 yr relationship in the past. This time feels so different. I’ll try my best to avoid contact. He’s just always been my comfort and safe zone so this has been a nightmare.

[Dananxiety in reply to Lostbuthopeful]

I know exactly how you feel. You feel that if only you profess your profound love, he will see the light. Or, you think if you have "the talk", you can reason with him and make him realize he loves you. Or, you think the "grand gesture" will do it. Taking him to his favorite getaway or buying a gift, card, flowers. Or, old fashioned begging and pleading.

None of it works. Been there, done that. The answer is no contact. He has his mind made up, for right now. But, feelings are like clouds in the sky. His can change and he can miss you.

Watch Craig Kenneth's videos on YouTube. It's what you need right now. Trust me, Lost.

[Lostbuthopeful in reply to Dananxiety]

It’s upsetting how spot on you are, but I know it’s what I need to hear. I guess I’ve just never had my heart hurt this bad and it confuses me how he doesn’t feel the same hurt.

I took him off social media almost 2 weeks ago so I’ve gotten past that hurdle. Idk how people do this. I wish I could be as strong as others but I’ve never felt so weak. And I feel like an idiot because it’s all over a man who just wants his time and space.

I’ll have to watch those tonight because today has been one of my worst days since the break up. Thank you so much. I really needed this.

[Hidden]

You know it’s so funny how I’ve been in this same situation with a guy very soon after a breakup with my long term ex boyfriend at the hands of trauma. He was my protector. We were so compatible in so many aspects, but I couldn’t get a hold of my emotions. He also broke things off with me so I could “work on myself”. I honestly don’t have much advice because I am just now finding out things about myself that I never would’ve known if I was still dating that man, but I can tell you this... You deserve someone who can handle you at your worst & not completely walk away. It sounds like the relationship is on his terms, & that isn’t fair. Maybe I am just saying this because I know how it feels to be completely abandoned by someone that I would’ve NEVER walked away from no matter how bad things have gotten, but I say to focus on yourself. Take the love that you have for this man, & give it back to you. In time, you’ll figure out if you guys are meant to be or not. You might end up back together, or you might not. Either way, you will be stronger for it. That’s my advice. I wish you all of the best, girlie! <3

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Great advice Kayla!!

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Thank you, Mama Glenda! I just know all too well how it is when someone breaks up with you because of panic attacks, anxiety, & depression. Just tried to see it from HER side. <3

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Exactly!! It’s not only about him. It’s about her too. After all she wasn’t out partying every night. She was suffering too.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I think it’s sad when people give up so easily on their partner. It’s not easy dealing with this stuff, man. We just wanna be loved & comforted. I hope she takes this into consideration. Perhaps he is a wonderful man that truly loves her, I have no way of knowing.... but I have this feeling that if you TRULY without a DOUBT loved someone & they were PERFECT for you, they wouldn’t let go so easily & leave you dealing with your issues alone. Maybe that’s just me expecting too much? I don’t know lol.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

No. I agree. It is hell having this disease. No one WANTS it!!! It’s almost like turning on someone because they have a physical illness but didn’t choose the “correct” treatment. Life is tough. If we love. We should love. Warts and all!!

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

That’s exactly how I feel about it too! This is something we can’t just “fix” within a few weeks or months. It’s something we will have to battle for the rest of our lives. I want someone who fights for me to be the best version of myself at my worst. So when I do get to where I wanna be, this person can reap the benefits of that with me & I will know that our love can overcome any obstacle. That’s what the OP deserves & that’s what ALL of us deserve. <3

[Lostbuthopeful in reply to Hidden]

Thank you, ladies! Such kind & supportive words. I guess during this time alone I should work on my self worth. This will definitely be a tough journey, but I’m sure it will be worth it in the end. Y’all are so appreciated. 💕

[Hidden in reply to Lostbuthopeful]

Anita Moorjani has a t shirt that reads”love yourself like your life depends on it ,because it does!!”

[Lostbuthopeful in reply to Hidden]

This is so true! I love that! Definitely something to live by.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I love that slogan! I want a t shirt that says that!!!!! Loving ourselves is truly the best thing we could ever do!!!!! 🖤🖤

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

She says it is the most important thing for us to do. You may be able to buy it on her website. Anitamoorjani.com. She is awesome!!

[Hidden in reply to Lostbuthopeful]

We appreciate you, girlie!!!! Just putting our opinion out there! I’m glad you’re not taking offense by it! I’m just speaking from experience! xo

[Lostbuthopeful in reply to Hidden]

I’m so sorry you went through this as well. I’m glad you took something bad and made good out of it. Thank you for a different perspective I can relate too. He did his best at handling me but it’s hard to help someone who doesn’t want to be helped (at that time). At first, I had the same thought process... like, how could you leave me while I’m at my lowest? But I have been doing a lot of research on everything from both aspects, and something stuck out to me. It said something like.. It’s unfair to expect others to stay in toxic relationships to save their partner, When someone’s lowest becomes potentially toxic and harmful to your own well being then you have every right to leave. I think about how I would want my possible future children to be treated by their significant others and I would be so upset if they were treated any less than they deserve. Nobody is perfect, but there is also a line that should be drawn before sacrificing your own mental health. I think this is why I’m having such a hard time with this. I’m always trying to put myself in others’ shoes to have a better understanding. I guess it helps me cope. Thank you again so much for your advice. It gives me hope to know I’m not the only one and there is nothing wrong with moving on if it’s what’s best for the both of us.

[Hidden in reply to Lostbuthopeful]

Don’t apologize, girlie. Everything happens for a reason. I can’t tell you exactly what you did with your ex boyfriend, but I know for me it was just very severe panic attacks & a lot of trust issues. I’m glad that the breakup happened because I’ve learned so much in the weeks that we’ve been apart & its honestly allowed me to flourish into the woman that I am meant to be. You’re right that I wouldn’t want my children to be with someone that dragged them down, but I also would want my children to fight for who they love if they think that person has good intentions & wants to be better. I can’t speak for you, but only myself. I think you’re being a little hard on yourself, but I don’t know you personally. Maybe you were detrimental to his well being, I don’t know. I didn’t get that indication from your original post, I just seen a woman that is deeply hurting like I have. That’s why I thought that we were a lot alike. Either way, you deserve to be loved deeply & I hope that you give yourself that love. Don’t change for this man, do it for yourself. That way when you finally do find someone that is your person, you will know that you are already a whole person on your own & not half of a person. If it’s this man you’ve already met, even better. I wish you all the best either way! Good luck! <3

[dreamreel]

You have plenty of time. Many guys have said I am the whole package and perfect woman only to turn around and use my issues against me. I leave relationships and have given up.

If you know your condition, ask him to read up on it. He can also attend couple’s counseling if you are that emotionally attached.

Sex is sex. My interest evaporated years ago.

Hugs

[Lostbuthopeful in reply to dreamreel]

Have you tried couple’s counseling before? Do you know if this option has been successful for some couples? I’d be open to it, but I think I should do a couple sessions on my own to find the roots of my anxiety and depression. Thank you so much. 💕

[Atimetoheal]

Go easy on yourself and others. Doesn’t help to judge self. Mental illness is all consuming and it sounds like you have a demanding job. This experience is a life lesson. Focus on healing both physically and emotionally. I know it’s cliche but if it meant to be it will be❤️ And you will learn to regulate emotions and reciprocate love.