Relationship Anxiety

[purplepassion9]

Hi, I am new here. I am a 25yo female who has had a great life. Though when it comes to relationships I find it impossibly difficult. I went through high school and college never having a steady or consistent relationship. I've been treated not great by some interests, some I just had sex with, and some, or most, I destroyed myself by self destructing. I started seeing a therapist in May and since then I have had some more stability. I had a 3mo relationship that I just ended up not being into the guy like he was into me, but I learned a lot about what it means to be treated correctly.

For the past 4 months I have been seeing this guy. he is fantastic. He treats me well, I am so happy when I am with him, he makes me laugh, my heart swells when I see him and when I even see a text or snapchat from him. His friends are great, I've hung out with them a bunch. However, every time I leave him, or if I don't hear from him for a few hours my mind contorts. It tells me "hey he doesn't care about you" "what if he isn't the one" "what if you're wasting your time" "what if you date for a year and then you break up" "what if you're lying to yourself?" "why was it silent earlier, what if you have nothing to talk about? am I boring? should i have said something more?" .... it is debilitating. it drives me crazy. Rationally I know, sure, people break up. sure, it's only been 4 months. sure, i cant predict the future. But the uncertainty kills me. its like i NEED to know. I want to fall in love with him. I want to feel everything and not worry. I want to be myself and fully enjoy how he treats me but my mind doesn't cease to try and destroy me.

I haven't told him yet about my anxiety. He has been super supportive in other situations like when I got in a car accident or when I was facing a lot of difficult decisions. I am just petrified of talking to him about it. I am petrified of making the wrong decision. I am petrified I am wasting my time or his time. I'm petrified i'm ignoring my gut... but is my gut my head right now? because my heart says yes. and no parts of me wants to break up with him.

[OliviaGarden__]

I know its very hard to, but you should probably tell him about it. Lack of communication can really hurt relationships

[melantha]

I agree with Olivia. If he really is “the one” then he will be understanding of your struggles. Everyone has something. I’m sure he has issues that he deals with as well. Who knows, he might be relieved when you tell him what you struggle with and finally have the courage to share some of his deeper struggles as well. It can only bring you two closer, and I think it will bring you a lot of relief to not keep it all bottled up inside.Best of luck to you ❤️

[itakenaps]

I agree, you need to be honest with him. If he doesn’t understand then it is time to move on. Right now you need people in your life who are going to support you while you get your anxiety under control.

[AuntBee]

I’m glad you learned a lot about what it means to be treated correctly. Now you need to remember how to treat someone else correctly yourself. You need to tell him about your anxiety so he can make the decision if he wants to stay or bolt. Think of it this way, you would not like to be lied to by omission so don’t do it to someone else.

IMO these feelings you are having have more to do with insecurities and trust. You are placing your heart in someone’s hand and you don’t know if you can trust this man to hold it yet or trust yourself to make the offer. This is a big decision. Listen to your gut. This is where intuition comes from and it’s always right. I think you should work with insecurities with your therapist. You sound like a very smart and sincere person!

[jkl5500]

Here's my opinion: If you two are together long enough, he will discover your illness sooner or later. So I suggest you take the initiative and tell him the whole story very soon. This way, you are being honest and upfront about your situation. If he can't deal with it, at least you finally know the truth, and you won't waste any more time on this relationship.

I hope all this doesn't sound too cold, but deep down inside you know this has to faced at some point. I wish you the best of luck.

[Strebbs]

Hey buddy!! That's really painful and I'm sorry. I know that because I've been dealing with the EXACT same thing since the beginning of my current (very healthy) relationship. So I'm going to write a bit about what I've learned, so that hopefully you can begin to better recognize the symptoms of your disease and see things more objectively.

It sounds like to me the real culprit here is OCD, have you ever been diagnosed? OCD tends to work in conjunction with anxiety, and is incredibly insidious. OCD craves certainty. It creates rigid rules and ideas for us of the way things should be, and leaves us feeling riddled with unpleasant emotions, such as guilt. It sounds to me like it's targeting your relationship (ROCD, for ease) like it did/does for me. Btw, I'm sorry if you're already informed!! I didn't see any mention of OCD or much experience with it in your post, so I'm writing under the impression that this is a fairly new (and scary) experience you're dealing with, like it was for me There's hope, it's all going to be okay, I promise!!

I can attest from personal experience that ROCD is painful beyond compare. Let me give you some examples of my own obsessions:

- She isn't attractive enough for me (often triggered upon noticing a feature I don't particularly like and being unable to stop fixating on it)

- I don't really love her (and therefor I'm guilty for just leading her on)

- I believe it's all my disease, but is it really? It keeps coming back, so is it really anxiety/OCD or do I simply not love her?? (This is a great example of how you can't "out-think" OCD - the thoughts are real, they're yours, and you're extra susceptible to them and can't decide which ones to listen to, you listen to all of them equally. The disease is not the symptoms, i.e. any particular thoughts themselves, it's the overall predisposition to worry, countering those worries, obsessing, etc.)

- I want to be with her, but what if this never improves?

And of course, common worries, like yours, that come of an anxious attachment style: misreading verbal/physical actions as threats (she hasn't responded in a while, she must be mad at me - or, I told her about my anxiety, and she became gloomy, she must be angry/disappointed with me).

Please keep in mind too, that your disease and all its obsessions would follow you wherever you go and with any partner, no matter how perfect, unless dealt with. In my own case I became most obsessed about my feelings for my partner rather than her feelings for me (because that would mean I was hurting/deceiving her in some way, which was a far more painful thought that the other way around - a handy thing to remember is that OCD tends to target the things you're afraid of most). The problem is NOT your relationship, it's your perception of it, I promise.

This can all be extremely debilitating for certain. And it gets worse when you try to hide it from your partner - it only makes the anxiety and obsessions worse.

I can tell you this without any doubt: you are not bad, you are sick <3 You are not in the "wrong" relationship, you are sick. There's not such thing as a "wrong" or "right" relationship, btw - we all choose a person to be with, and over time, that always means settling to some extent. Accepting their flaws as well as their virtues. For the anxious brain, that is suuuuper hard, we don't deal well with uncertainties. We expect things in black and white: "If he's the one, when why does this habit/trait/feature bother me?" "I didn't totally enjoy that kiss/sex, or I find this other person highly attractive, maybe even more than my partner, that must mean I'm not in love with/attracted to him/her enough." Your brain is lying to you. Again, I'm speaking from my own experience with my own obsessions that you won't necessarily share, but underlying idea is the same in every case.

You are in a great relationship with a wonderful partner, that is immediately obvious from reading your post, and he loves you very much, too. Over time, and through treatment, you will begin to challenge the notion that your "perfect" expectations (because that's what they are, looked at from another angle) are required (or even attainable) in what can still be the most loving relationship or your life. Remember, too, that some amount relationship anxiety is normal for every person in every relationship, even in healthy brains that aren't so prone to worry and obsession the way ours are. Not everything will be perfect, that doesn't mean you don't want it and that it isn't great.

Here's some examples of more functional thoughts for you consider:

- He hasn't responded in several hours. It probably isn't because of something I did, in fact, it probably has nothing to do with me at all. He's living his own life with his own struggles are worries, too. If it really bothers me, I can always ask him! If you haven't already. "Hey, just wondering, are you mad at me/did I say something wrong?" There's no reason to be embarassed - besides, challenge yourself to think of what's the worst that could happen as a result? That's a very helpful practice for anxious people all-around.

- I worry I don't "really" love him, or enough. Well. Love isn't just a feeling, it's an action. Feelings change, day in, day out. Nobody feels love towards their partner every moment, finds them attractive every moment. You clearly love your boyfriend very much, and you recognize his positive impact on your life. In fact, I would argue you currently love him even more than you believe yourself able to - the proof is simply that you continue to be with him, you continue to act with love and kindness towards him, in spite of all the pain and doubts and what you're going through. I guarantee that's what he sees, and probably why he's so happy to be with you! All the more reason to open up to him. "Pain shared is pain lessened/ the truth will set you free." Cliche but so true.

- He doesn't care about you, or you're wasting your time. False. So incredibly false. Has he ever made you feel that way? Hell, even if he's ever gotten annoyed at you at times, that's part of relationship, and has that ever stopped him? He isn't perfect and neither are you, so take him down off that pedestal Besides, no relationship is certain. I know what an incredibly terrifying thought that can be, but it's true. You are your own, strong, lovable person, and you will survive, with this relationship or without it. Things are seldom as bad as anxiety makes them out to be. But since this partner is obviously so very dear to you, let me remind you that he doesn't sound like he has any intention of quitting on you. A relationship between two willing and loving people doesn't just spontaneously combust You aren't in danger, your disease is lying to you.

Okay. I just typed your eyes out, and it's 3am and I've probably made like 30% of the sense I hoped to make XD And it's probably riddled with typos, lol. But listen, it gets better, okay? With time and education, this WILL get better - and one day, if you work at it, dissolve entirely. The best advice I can give you to read and educate yourself on your disease more and more. Articles on ROCD (and OCD in general), anxiety, and also ones discussing different attachment styles (it sounds like you're the anxious type, like me!) as well as articles on children of anxious/abusive parents and childhood anxiety/emotional trauma (I'm not saying you necessarily went through trauma or had abusers in your life, but regardless, learning about how stress and unhealthy atmospheres affect a child is INCREDIBLY important).

The other most important part is communication. I know it's hard - like, impossibly hard. And scary. And frustrating. But the best thing you can do is to broach the topic with your partner. It's okay to start small - just saying something like admitting you have anxiety. It may help you to tell him how scared you are opening up about it, like, at all. It's nothing to be embarassed about either!! And you don't need to make any excuses for being that way, or for not having told him until now. And do your best to share you worries, over time. Try not to panic and go "OMG I don't know if I love you!!! It helps to say things like "I love you and this is very scary for me... so, this is what my disease is making me feel/obsess over..." I guarantee he'll understand <3

And a little hope from my end: I've been with my girlfriend for over a year now, almost 1.5. If you count the month or two we lost early on because I freaked, questioned everything (didn't even know I had anxiety or OCD back then LOL, you can imagine, I was like a child diagnosing himself for the first time...) and we broke up and just became friends for a while. I tried breaking up several times since, too, even succeeding a couple of times for a matter of hours... And you know what? She was still there. We still endured <3 And we've both become so much stronger and empathetic because of it. Even now as I type, I still struggle with ROCD and relationship anxiety on general as an everyday affair. But it's gotten drastically better, and I always pull through with her help and others' when it gets bad. This is not a short trip, it can take years of exposing yourself to the uncertainty and vulnerability of a loving relationship, building functional tools and knowledge to help you cope. I find that a very heartening thought on days when it gets bad - that I've only just begun, and that means I still have so much more improvement to look forward to <3

I was so obsessed with my own pain, and convinced that I was only causing her pain, that I was so bad, that she would leave me this time for sure because I'd finally given her enough baggage... I couldn't even fathom the reality. And that was that every day, I showed her kindness and love and tried to treat her well, making it clear that she was important to me, and that she loved me enjoyed being with me the whole way, even on the bad days, and that I was worth it to her. I guarantee your boyfriend feels the same way about you, and the sooner you approach him about it, the sooner the healing can begin.

Your disease doesn't define you, you have anxiety and you are lovable. And you WILL beat it, just keep at it. I hope this helps some!!! You are so good and I wish you the best of luck <3 Please feel free to chat with me about it, I haven't found many people going through an experience like my own either.

[purplepassion9 in reply to Strebbs]

That was the most helpful and genuine response I've ever read, it brought tears to my eyes. Because it's exactly how I feel. No I've never thought I'd have OCD, it's never even crossed my mind. And yes I want to talk to him about it and I want him to truly understand. I feel like I'm hiding behind a wall and not able to fully express myself around him, but it goes in waves and moments in and out. I honestly find myself sad sometimes when he's turned away from me in bed for too long ... He's sleeping for goodness sakes! I know that's ridiculous! The hardest part I'm having right now for sure is broaching the subject. (He's been away on vacation for the last two weeks so I've had plenty of time to ruminate be that good or bad) but legit the thought that you posted "omg I'm not sure if I love you" is how I feel and no one wants to be told that. So thank you for touching on that. I've been trying to convince myself that just because I have these thoughts, and feelings and what not that they aren't true. I'm working with Headspace and I'm trying journaling... It's all just so very hard. I'm exhausted ! And not nearly as happy as I am to be! I have a great job, apartment, roommate, boyfriend, family, and yet I still feel like bleh. Maybe it's the east coast winter🙄(even as it's been incredibly mild).

Thank you so much for your support.

[purplepassion9 in reply to purplepassion9]

Also, as I read the post again, yes, I had some I guess "trauma" as a child with a mother who was very removed and depressed and who showed her little emotional attachment to my dad (who is amazing and always showed it to her). I thought that since my mom cooked me dinner and made my lunch I had it good. it is rare that I ever 'bonded' with her, all she ever did was watch tv. I never actually even noticed how much it effected me and how defensive I was of my childhood and my moms effect on it until I started therapy. I realized it was bad when I told her I could remember only like 2 specific times I had heard my mother laugh. And how I went through great lengths ( before I became a teenager and submersed myself in athletics and friends) to try and do anything to make her happy. My therapist says I like to dismiss almost everything that may have to do with me or my feelings and focus on others. So I guess here's a lot shoved down in my brain somewhere.

[Strebbs in reply to purplepassion9]

I’m so glad!!! You’re so very welcome! Yes, ocd can be incredibly difficult to recognize because it lies in your mental scripting and the way you think, and doesn’t always manifest in stereotypical ways, like obsessively touching things/washing hands and the like. I’m so glad this resonates with you. I promise you, you could talk to your boyfriend all you want, share your thoughts and feelings and fears with him and gain reassurance time and time again, but these doubts will keep coming. And that is because you’d be treating the symptoms (the thoughts themselves, getting them off your chest, etc) and not the underlying disease. Trust me on that one, lol!

Like I said before, ocd likes to deal in absolutes. You’re either in love with your partner or he isn’t right for you, for example. This is why it can go from high to low so frequently and quickly, because you’re depending on your FEELINGS to dictate you course of action, not the other way around.

So, once I found out I had ocd myself and began to trek through the sludge, I began thinking of my disease as “another” brain inside my own, aka an entity with thoughts of its own that I didn’t want. Seems fine, right? The problem is that that’s yet another way I misunderstood my disease. See, ocd is in you. It’s your brain, your thoughts, not a separate, malevolent one. It seems right to think of it that way, because as you keep reminding yourself, those thoughts aren’t real, right? They aren’t what you want, you love your boyfriend and you DO want to be with him. But that never works to convinced yourself, does it? At least not for long. That’s because those thoughts ARE real, and they’re yours. And just because they’re real and yours doesn’t mean they reflect what you want, are in your best interest, and require you to act upon them.

I used to despair because certain unpleasant thought I had felt “real”, that there had to be an element of truth to them, especially if they hurt. Because it seems unconscionable to accept that such awful and unpleasant feelings belong to you. But they do, and that’s not your fault!! It’s because your brain itself is prone to worry and obsessive thinking, and you can’t seperate the function thoughts from the unhealthy ones, because they all seem equally real to you. This is exactly what ocd does: you have unpleasant thoughts, identify them as threats, and spend a whole lot of time and energy trying to convince yourself otherwise - feeding them with importance, trying to “disprove” them. The essence of performing a compulsion. It can be incredibly painful, as you know, because it tends to involve powerful feelings of guilt when your obsessions are about your partner, for example. And that makes you it all the more desperate to get rid of the thoughts.

I promise you, it’s treatable and it gets better It takes some time before you can see the disease more objectively, and a big part of that is exposure to your obsessions. So you’re worried you don’t love him? Spend time with him. It’s therspy on his own. Sit with him, hang out with him, and take time periodically to recognize how even thought you’re currenlty having anxiety and obsessive thoughts - you’re still sitting there with him, and nothing is going to force you to leave (crazy right?) Give yourself permission to exist, with your anxiety and everything else. You’re allowed to remain even though you’re obsessing - you aren’t bad, you don’t want to leave him, you’re just sick. And you know what? Most of my own agony had to do with feeling guilty/selfish for staying with her in spite of my thoughts. I think sometimes it helps to say “if staying with this person I want to be with is selfish, then I’m going to be a little selfish”. You’re allowed.

You’re going to be okay <3 And yes, breaking down in tears of agony and telling my girlfriend “I’m not sure if we should be together” is something I’ve done more than a few times, before I began to get a handle on my disease (again, it’s taken many months, and I’m only just beginning!). Communication is tough but very important, including the way you communicate. I know you’re probabky tired of hearing it, but it’s best to keep a thoughtful and loving mindset when talking to him, especially with ocd/anxiety. Remember, he doesn’t understand your illness. Try to make sure he knows that you love him, that you’re struggling with a disease, that you’re inexperienced too and you’re going to try your best to communicate and work through it. He knows you aren’t perfect, and odds are you’re expecting that of yourself far more than he is.

Taking about ROCD with your partner is understandably very scary, and that’s where communication tips like this are most helpful. Keep in mind too: it can be tempting to feel like you’re wrong for holding something back, for not telling him the “whole story” (I sometimes feel guilt because I haven’t told my girlfriend I’m having an ROCD episode, and that somehow I’m being dishonest. And I’d feel compelled to tell her more and more in order to get it all off my chest and feel like it’s okay or I’m forgiven - again, that’s my disease at work as well). Remember that you aren’t guilty of anything, those feelings are lying to you. You go at your own pace, act with love, educate yourself, and pass that education along to your boyfriend so that he can help better understand your disease, too <3 And definitely, talk to your therapist about it!! It helped me greatly.

[Strebbs in reply to Strebbs]

I’m also struck by how similar our pasts are. My own mother WAS emotionally abusive quite (narcissistic) as well as distant and prone to wild mood swings. My dad was always sweet and kind but even more distant, and abused by my mom as much as I was. He’d always take it, and never stand up for me when I was being scolded. I probably learned my habit of stuffing down my anger and feeling like I’m always at fault from him.

These sorts of parenting styles deeply affect us, and yes, I would say you have a very anxious attachment style like me, born from similar circumstances growing up My sympathies, lol! No but seriously, if you’re parents often withheld comfort, responded poorly to your needs or even worse, made you feel like you shouldn’t have them (my mom constantly made me feel like it was my own fault for being angry at her, for example) that can directly affect how you operate in adult relationships. Even if your parents were loving and supportive sometimes, but distant or angry other, and you could never tell which side you were going to get, that can be traumatic, leaving you fearful of when the other shoe is going to drop, right up into your current relationship. I know that for me, I STILL can’t sleep in the same bed as my girlfriend at night, because I’m so alert for any indication that she’s mad at me, and I feel as thought I need to be as tiny as a mouse to avoid disturbing her. Even though I know logically that I’m in no danger, it takes a long time to relearn a health role in a relationship. Even your body can responds as though on high-alert, when you think your mind has finally calmed down. I used to experience panic when my girlfriend so much as touched me, like my own skin was recoiling - and guess what, I felt guilty for that as thought it were my fault, big surprise lol. You’re in luck, as it seems you’ve found a very loving partner, and have the opportunity to heal and learn from within a safe and healthy environment <3 You’ll get there. I promise. You have so, so much healing to look forward to, take it from me.

Just remember: you never HAVE to do anything. Feel like maybe you need to leave him because he isn’t right, and that thought fills you with guilt/pain? Guess what, you don’t have to do any such thing. You are enough. You are allowed to feel and to exist. And it’s also okay to ask him for some me-time: once I got a bit better about admitting my anxiety to my partner, she began reassuring me that it’s okay to say “hey, I’m having a real tough time right now, I think I need some time to myself?” MY reaction to that is that that’s awful, I need to be with her and think about her 24/7 or she’s going to leave me, and grow frantic with worry over me, especially if I’m having ROCD, because as I know, that’s my own fault lol and I need to shower her with love to earn forgiveness -_- Big surprise, that’s what I learned from my mom, and that’s the dynamic I had with her. I operate under it with my girlfriend even now, because when that’s the only way I know to act within an intimate relationship, it takes time to change it (your boyfriend may not be the only other person you’ve been close with besides your parents, but an intimate relationship tends to be a much deeper level of closeness and vulnerability than you have with friends and the like, much more akin to your parents).

You’re going to be great <3 I’m glad o be talking to you!! Sorry I type so damn much haha.

[purplepassion9]

I'm sorry about what you're going through too :/. Yes similar and different. It took me a while to be comfortable sleeping in the bed with him, I only just started sleeping through the night probably about 2.5-3months in. I used to think I just wasn't good at sleeping in a bed with anyone. But I'm always on edge that I move too much and what not. Which I do I move a lot trying to get to sleep hah. My father was amazing and supportive and was always there for us. Then again he worked a lot when I was a kid so he was out of the house from 6a-7p each day. As I got older he was more and more present though. He never missed a game, a XC or track meet no matter how far it was from home. He's my best friend. I'm lucky that my mother was never mean to me, she loves me and will give or send or make anything to me... just withdrawn from anything and everything. I moved away from home 7 years ago and I think she may have visited me 3 times, and 2 were graduations, where she almost didn't even come to my Masters Degree one because 'i just had a graduation 2 years ago'. It's a very windy road with her. My parents divorced when I was a freshman in college, and I have 4 siblings, my oldent brother is a psychologist and MSW (shocker). My mother is really into guilt tripping us. (She's also an alcoholic, a highly functioning non aggressive one but surely one) It'll come all at once and out of the blue. And via group text of course to all the children + my sister in law. One time I got a drink with her when I was home visiting and made the mistake of mentioning I was going to my brothers for dinner with all my other siblings and that dad was coming. She brushed it off then, but on my way to pick up the food we got a text that was outrageous from her. Safe to say my dad showed up with my older sister and little brother in tow crying. And I walked into my older brothers house and we looked at each other and shrugged and I said... My bad? I seem to be the sibling who always arranges everything and encourages everyone to check in on mom and make sure mother's day, Christmas, birthday, and Thanksgiving are covered, even if I'm not going to be there. OY.

[Strebbs]

Ew, that sounds super uncomfortable, I'm sorry Your dad sounds wonderful though! I'm so glad you are are close. My dad was always off working too, but distant whenever home. He was always kind and there for me, but he grew up in a family where his father was distant and didn't believe in emotional support much. He also has an extremely abusive mom until his dad remarried. My dad is 68, and back then they didn't have the same kind of awareness that we do now lol. He also almost never talks about himself. I still live with them, and it was only in the last year or so when I began learning about myself (no help from them, lol) that I found out he's always suffered from anxiety, too.

Mom mom is the opposite in many ways, she's narcissistic, controlling, both aggressive and passive-aggressive. I grew up watching her henpeck and out down my dad every night he came home from work, and him take it all willingly. She did the same to me, of course, and I responded the same way for the most part. I never had a rebellious phase, and in some ways I wish I did, because instead I internalized all my anger as well as her abuse.

She traumatized me many times, too. Mostly it was things like fly into a rage at the store because I said something she didn't like (like tell her I was bored and ask when we were leaving) and drag me out by the ear yelling about how I can never embarrass her like that again. There were also a few moments that were much, much worse and that I still remember vividly. I still remember the feeling of a part of myself going numb because I was emotionally overwhelmed. Most of the worst things happened before I was in my mid-teens, and after that her abuse didn't get any better, only changed slightly once she realized I was too old to obey her without question or be physically mishandled. She's also an alcoholic, possible a "high-functioning non-aggressive" one like yours, given that she doesn't really change too much when she's drunk. My dad too, now that I think about it. At least she never terrorized me over text, my parents are both too old to know how to do that (:

So I basically withdrew to my room 24/7 as I got older, bouncing between mountain dew and video games all night and pouring too much of myself into a crappy, stressful job lol. I sort of hit a rock bottom a couple years ago, after which I quit my job and began focusing on myself.

The way we grow up deeply affects who we are in ways I never used to imagine. For example, besides just plain social anxiety I tend to have massive anxiety when I go clothes shopping with my girlfriend (I even get "tunnel-vision" and become clumsy because too much of my brainpower is being used by my anxiety, and I'll often get some familiar nerve pain flaring up in my hip/lower back due to some neck and back injuries I got a few years ago). I think this is mostly because of how anxious and threatened I always felt when shopping with my mom, and on high-alert for danger. It can actually be increased by seeing a cute girl walk by - that's one of my major triggers for anxiety because of ROCD. I grew up holding very rigid ideas of what I was and was not allowed to do, and one of those was that i was't allowed to find another person attractive while in a relationship, because if I did, it meant "I'm in the wrong relationship, I must be more attracted to her than my gf, I'm guilty of a horrible crime and I can't tell her because she'll hate me..." and oooomg, the obsessions, on and on and on. I'm a lot less anxious now, and I eventually opened up to my gf about everything (took me over a year lol, and even then wasn't really convinced I hadn't done anything wrong, it takes a long time). Now she tends to notice when I get anxious in a store and will hold my hand and tell me it's okay, and I tend to be better at relaxing and believing that I'm safe, and not guilty of anything. I've even gotten to the point where we can hold conversations about people we find attractive, and how it's not my fault I have human thoughts and feelings It seems a lot more obvious to me now, but sometimes I still can't believe it! I've always been so scared, in part because i believed that if I accepted that I found other people attractive, then somehow my relationship would dissolve. Like, somehow my love and attraction to my girlfriend would siphon to some other person the more I thought about it, so I had to avoid romantic thoughts about anybody else at all costs. I think I believed that any such "impure" or "unfaithful" thoughts made me unworthy of her, or that her love would be taken away if she knew. Which, in fact, is a running trend my whole life! Unconscious acts of self-penance, policing my own thoughts, guilt/shame, etc. My therapist says it's because of my mom again, because she basically taught me I had to be "on my best behavior" and beholden to her in every way or I wouldn't deserve her love, and that makes a ton of sense to me. She never showed me unconditional love, instead only love that was subject to her every whim and mood-swing.

Teaching myself more about this stuff has been vital in fighting my OCD and my anxiety, in ways I never knew before. I'm still finding out new ways in which my feelings or actions correlate to some unhealthy events in my past or learned coping mechanisms.