Why do I feel so paranoid? TRUST ISSUES.

(Disclaimer, 9th day on prozac just increased dose to 20mg). Wondering if anyone else gets this, I feel like I'm going crazy sometimes. I start to doubt the truth of everything, I distrust my partner, think that he is just trying to isolate me and cash in on my fragility and vulnerability... I think that my psychiatrist is just trying to medicate me and sedate me because ultimately no one cares about me except for myself... and I even doubt my own ability to figure out whats true or not.

It's really scary to think this way, like, who can I trust if I can't even trust my own perceptions? Do I really even have CPTSD or is it just a made up term that they slap on people they don't really know what to do with? Am I actually just sad because I don't like my current environment/relationship? Or is it me? I know I've been through a lot, but why can't I seem to snap out of it?

I feel like I need to get away from everything and everyone, be by myself somewhere quiet in the country, to get back to myself. Obviously this is not feasible I don't have the financial resources to just up and move- but I feel trapped here in this apartment unable to go anywhere. In the prison of my mind.

I get paranoid that why would anyone want to be with me when I am depressed most of the time and can't work and can't get out of bed- what is my partners motivation to be with some one like me? Is it because I am easy to control? Does he really love me?

I had a great day yesterday and felt clear and calm, just increased my dose to 20mg but today I am in bed feeling queasy and out of it like I took a horse tranquillizer. Anxious, hyper vigilant, and down on my self because I want to be working and contributing to society.

Wish I had friends and a normal life. Sick of netflix and youtube which have become my lifeline.

I feel useless.

[Nathalie99 Partner]

I am so very sorry that you are having such a bad day...

It is not unusual to doubt oneself and perceptions while having c-ptsd.

I don't think they give this as a label to anyone, I think they have had grounds to diagnose you with c-ptsd.

However, my main concern now is if it has anything to do with your medication. It is very possible and therefore I would like to urge you to see your doctor as soon as possible, as this sounds serious. Please check in with him/her if it's normal. If it gets any worse, maybe you should visit emergency in your local hospital. For now, no need to panic but if it gets any worse, you need to reach out to medical help, ok?

Hang on in there...

[Hidden in reply to Nathalie99]

Thanks Nathalie for your continued support. I really appreciate it! I will hang in there and see if the feeling worsens. If so I have a doctor's appointment in the next few days and I will talk to her about the medication and if the side effects are outweighing the benefits. I'm hesitant to stop the medication right now because I feel like it has been helping, even if its just a placebo effect- I haven't been fighting with my partner all week and before it was a daily occurence.I know prozac takes a while to adjust to the system and I have done heaps of research and many people say it takes up to 4 weeks to feel the full benefits and for the tiredness/dizziness to subside. I was very hopeful that it would help me....and I before I went on it I was having to drink to cope with the sadness. But as I said, I will see if it gets worse/better, and you may be right, it might just be the medication making me paranoid.

And it really is good to feel I am not alone, helps immensely with my mental state just knowing that.

[GeminiDancer Major Contributor in reply to Hidden]

Sounds like you have a good plan, littletraveller. You're definitely not alone. Everything you described in your original post sounds very familiar to many of us.

I've noticed shifts in my mood/behavior/temperament when I've started new medications or adjust dosage. It sounds like the change in dose could have thrown you off a bit. That's not uncommon and like you said it may just take a little time for it to balance out in your system.

Definitely keep an eye on it and talk to your doctor at your next visit so he/she can monitor it as well.

[Hidden in reply to GeminiDancer]

Thanks GeminiDancer that is very kind of you, I really appreciate it and not feeling like I am the only one experiencing mood imbalances. Phew!

[purebliss]

Hi Hidden , sorry that you are struggling. It's not unusual. I am personally dealing with quite significant paranoia and distrust. Doubting the diagnosis that was given is also common. No harm getting a second opinion. Drugs tend to make you a little drowsy or confused or messy sometimes. But once you reach a stable dose it should be fine. One of the reasons I decided to stop my meds (after being 2 years on it) was that it didn't help me solve my problems at all, and it's not very effective at managing symptoms, just numbing everything. It's something you need to think carefully about whether you want to be on meds or not. Do your research, doctors usually don't have time to explain everything to you. I thought about it over half a year and am willing to bear the consequence of being off meds.

Start quote:

I get paranoid that why would anyone want to be with me when I am depressed most of the time and can't work and can't get out of bed- what is my partners motivation to be with some one like me? Is it because I am easy to control? Does he really love me?

End quote

All these questions are ruminations. They don't bring you anywhere. I have been doing this for years. Running questions in my head over and over but not getting answers. Seeing a therapist can help. Or communicating directly with the person is best to know what they think. For me I wonder why my sister still wants me in her life, so one day I mustered some courage and asked her. And she said that I am the best sister and she doesn't think I am weak. So these conversations can clarify your doubts.

[Hidden]

Thanks purebliss, for your insightful and very informative reply. I really appreciate it! I felt so out of sorts and wrote this original post- I don't feel that way right now, but i guess it felt real in the moment, and we all have those days and that's why your reply was comforting. Ruminations... yes sounds familiar, something I think I remember from cognitive behavioural therapy. Sometimes your mind can be your worst enemy.

I think the meds have levelled off a bit I certainly don't feel the way I did yesterday... but it's really scary when you do feel that way. xo love and light and you really helped. I know my partner is being really supportive through this and I am lucky to have found this forum as well. Love and light