Update

[Daylightsaving]

Hi all,My mother in law died last week while I was away on holiday with my husband. She had been taken into hospital on new year's day with pneumonia and had contracted numerous other infections during her stay. My husband and his siblings are not on good terms due to disagreements about the care of his mum over the past few years. They have now shut him out of the funeral planning process. It breaks my heart to see him trying to grieve in isolation without the shared memories of his family. The last straw came a couple of weeks ago when one sibling rang the house to order my husband to visit the hospital by means of abusive and foul language. My husband, generally very easy going and accommodating, told the sibling that he would hang up if they continued to verbally abuse him. The sibling continued so he hung up. Since then his family have kept him in the dark about arrangements, not updating their group chat. Worse though is the visit from his brother, who he was very close to but who has lived abroad for most of his adult life, who is now taking the side of his other siblings. Since he has been back, he has only contacted my husband once to pass on his UK phone number. My husband had to ask when the funeral was, and has been given the bare minimum of information, not even knowing if he will be offered a place in a funeral car.

I understand grief affects people in different ways but it is so sad to be ostracised in this way.

[Dolphin14 Moderator]

Daylightsaving

My condolences to the family on the loss of your mother in law.

I'm not sure why illness and loss bring out so much negative behavior in people. Everything gets so complex and divided in a time when people should be coming together.

I know this treatment first hand. I was the outcast in my family. I was with my dad throughout his illness and the day he passed. I was told to wait for a call regarding going to the funeral planning.

I never got the call. I got a call telling me where and when the service would be. I was excluded from everything else.

I'm very sorry your husband is being treated this way. I know you will be there for him during this difficult time.

My thoughts are with you and your family

❤️🐬

[Daylightsaving in reply to Dolphin14]

Sorry you had a similar experience Dolphin. It's so strange that people should behave in this way at a time, as you say, you would expect people to come together in mutual support. I know grief is a tricky thing and affects folk in different ways so I'm trying to think kindly about his family but it's really hard right now.

[Dolphin14 Moderator in reply to Daylightsaving]

Grief is different for everyone. You have a good heart trying to find reasoning for this.

I was excluded from most things family oriented so this wasn't a surprise for me. It was very painful though.

How is your husband holding up?

[Daylightsaving in reply to Dolphin14]

He's up and down tbh but not really surprised by the situation 😢

[SavingGrace Administrator]

I'm really sorry to hear this news and it must be very upsetting that your husband is being treated so poorly at this time.

[1949liz]

I empathise with you this happened to me when my mum was dying so I wrote a letter to my siblings telling them that I loved each of them and I loved mum .It was difficult to say that because she was a very difficult person but when someone passes family should get closer together, you will find that her possessions mean more to them than to you or your husband. This happened to me. But I contacted a solicitor and if your mum has a will before she lost contact with your husband, then after the funeral contact the other member of your family and tell them if you don’t see the will you will take out a court order, it worked for me. Mum didn’t have much but that was not the point. When I got to‘ mums house , my brother walked down the path and slammed the gate in my face so with my other siblings we sat on the wall waiting for the funeral cars I was allowed into a funeral car, as was my other sister. My older brother went in his car. The rest took over the funeral cars I have observed that Funerals bring out the worst in families. Your husband knows and you know how your relationship was with your mum. That’s the most important thing. I wish you well and I wish you husband well I’ve never to this day spoken to 3 members of my family. It’s sad but unfortunately we don’t choose our family, but we can choose our friends. God bless you both love Liz🌹🙏

[Daylightsaving in reply to 1949liz]

Thanks Liz, your right about the will part of things. There's been no word about it at all. As you say he's not really bothered but I feel protective of him and want him to have what his Mum wanted him to have, if anything.

[gettingsomewhere]

Hi and I'm also very sorry to read your sad news and the upsetting way your husband is being treated.

My dad suffered badly when my brother died and my mother forbade him from attending the funeral of his son. I don't know if its about taking possession of the dead person and having the last word - it certainly seemed that way. As you can imagine my poor dad was heartbroken.

It's good you are there for your husband. Has the situation changed at all?

[Daylightsaving in reply to gettingsomewhere]

Right, taking possession is just how it feels, like someone else's grief is somehow lesser. I feel for your Dad too, that must have been heartbreaking for him.

[Nathalie99 Partner]

I am very sorry for your loss, Daylightsaving.What your husband is dealing with is traumatic.