How do you quiet the 'noise'? *trigger warning* (first post)

[PastaDog]

This is my first time posting on something like this, and I've been fairly socially isolated for a few years so forgive me if this ends up a ramble or incoherent stream of consciousness.

Everything is so loud, all the time. I have started writing this post 3 times or more by now, and have had to delete and start over because I can't even stay in one frame of mind to articulate what I'm even talking about. I am in a very frightening time in my life, where everything I've known for years has ended. I am having to come to terms with the state of my mental health, the impact it's had on my loved ones and support systems, and how I am having to navigate this alone, and without the only person who ever made me feel safe.

I can't focus on anything for more than a few minutes without the thunderous crash of a wave of every conceivable thing I need to be anxious about. Will I have a place to live in a week, a month, a year? Will I ever see the people I love again? Will I have the resources to even begin this journey towards healing? When I finally get myself grounded about the big issues, my brain searches for anything and everything to remind me of. A song that you used to love that gave you hope or strength? Now it's a reminder of what you lost. Reminders of plans that were made so recently that won't be happening, inside jokes you might never get to say again, even the feeling of someone just sitting next to you on a couch.

I am practicing radical acceptance, journaling, reading books and working through therapy workbooks to try and get through this, but it's so hard. I feel like I deserve it. I should not feel at peace, or have a moment of calm, because my illness would not let the people I care about feel at peace or have a moment of calm. The worst part is these are the same anxieties that plagued me before everyone left....but now I guess don't have anyone to burden them with except myself.

[Dolphin14 Moderator]

PastaDog

Welcome to the community.

You are dealing with quite a bit and I'm very sorry you are going through all this.

Losing your support system is a hard hit and makes this journey so difficult.

So many of us have been through some of these same battles. You are not alone and we can all relate to your story.

You do deserve to feel peace and calm. We all deserve that. Remember this is an illness and some of the things we have done were directly related to the illness. So many things were, and are, out of our control.

Keep up the work. It will pay off if we believe in ourselves

🐬