I figured now is a good time to express my feelings and experiences from the childhood trauma I endured…
When I was 14, my parents got arrested from owning an escort service. I learned what that was around 14 and 15. I learned at that time that my mother was a well known stripper in my area for years (no wonder she had a different type of dress up clothes). My parents got nice cars for the first time in my life, as they were usually a labor person (working in factories and building/fixing grills, treadmills, etc.) and a call center employee (she did great at selling to people). The only reason they stayed out of jail is because they had their “workers” sign a paper saying anything more than nude back rubs was on them, not the business… though everyone did it. I learned that one of my parents said “we swing, so why not get paid for it”, but I still am not sure which one instigated. They got a good lawyer because they saved their money in our dust buster hanging on the wall, and the police nev er found it. Soon after, they had me so under their thumb that I told cops that I wanted my parents and a lawyer before I talk with them. I’m surprised they didn’t try again.
I remember begging my parents to get a divorce when I was 12 because my parents always had MAJOR arguments that scared me. My brother was always getting in trouble at school in fights, and I learned later that it was because my dad would abuse him physically, severely. He has apologized to my brother, but never changed his ways (which is why I went low contact with him a couple years ago by only emailing once in a great while). My mother tried to make me choose her over my father, but my mother taught me life skills (living off of food banks and on a dime), and my father was teaching me morals. I was a daddy’s girl but I didnt want to have to choose between them. She still blames me for not getting the divorce, because she is narcisistic. Which is why she has been disowned and going no contact. It was also around that time my parents almost got found out for growing marijuana in the basement (my trauma around the scent)
After the escort service, my mom started smoking crack. I didn’t know what it was but one day I found her pipe and was confused why there was a tiny sink pipe in her pillow and when I askedd in front of my parents, my mom took it to the kitchen and had me lie to my dad saying it could be some kitchen gadget. She also said that she needed to get groceries for dinner, but was gone for 3 days. One of her dealers were driving my dad’s Camero from the escort service and my brother saw them, knowing it was my dad’s. He took me to the worst part of the city we lived in the suburbs of, and left me in the car for a long while as he looked for her and the dealer.
Though this was all traumatizing enough, I was then sex trafficked by her. I didn’t know until 15 years of therapy later because there was no penetration. But at 16, being offered to do sexual favors to get money and feeling pressured because mother is supposed to help me and it wasn’t actual sex… these men were her age. I remember going with one of my friends and “dogging” this guy, as was his fetish. The memory is so vivid in my head that I struggle not to put it here to get it out in writing, but don’t want to trigger others.
The other man that I remember vividly was a famous radio DJ in my area because of his deep voice. My mom said that I was going to model swim suits for him, and helped me pick some cute bikinis. But when I went to do the modeling with pictures, he said $50 for regular bikini, $100 for topless pictures, and $200 for nude. Of course, me being a virgin and being taught morals, I chickened out and ended up cleaning the man’s basement for money with my brother. Soon after, my 17 yo cousin was kicked out of her house, and was staying with us. Her mom has a lot of mental health issues. Since she was hurting for money, and gave my mom her food stamps for rent, my mom offered to have my cousin meet the celebrity as well. I was excited because I was thinking that she really needed the money and seemed like she would be ok with risqué o pictures.
I moved cross country for 20 years to get away from these people so I could heal. I thought I did, but I was wrong.
Many years later, (less than 3 years ago), I moved back to the area because work was horrible in the state for teaching, I ended up getting my license easily back at home. I believed it was because we socialize differently and see people with mental health better where I grew up. My cousin confided in me about 2 years ago that she had been penetrated and fully assaulted by this man when my mom took her there. Because both of us went through similar experience, I got her permission to tell the police about my experience and have the detective know her contact. She went low contact because she was like me and hid the experiences for so long that this was bringing a lot up for the both of us.
I tried a PPO with my mom 2 years ago and it was denied because of my mother earning half of her lawsuit and I still owed her money from “ruining” her RV loveseat when my father made my family homeless and we stayed in her RV for 17 days. I paid her off back in October and will be filing for another PPO with what the detective told my cousin this week.
Because my cousin never saw a doctor and because it has been so long, they wont be able to press charges on the man who assaulted us. My mother mentioned her escort service but denied even trafficking me and my cousin. This week we learned that the detective then talked to the assaulter. He stated that my mother has offered to sell me many times and he “never took her up on that offer” because he is not like that. This has devastated my cousin more than me because she seems to not have healed as well as I have (probably due to the penetration), but I am taking it in stride, and not even crying. I will definitely be talking with my DBT counselor though.
Since I went no contact after the RV situation, she has googled my new address, asked multiple times if she can give christmas gifts to my kids, though not acknowledging my stepkid as her grandchild (ive been in his life 13 years since he was 2, but marriage and me adopting would only be how she would). She still won’t acknowledge that she trafficked me. She also has threatened to sue me for the rest of the money I owed her (I kept all of the receipts and my cousin acknowledges it’s the full amount). I have been letting the cops know every instance of attempting unwanted contact because I wrote a letter stating that any contact would be harassment and would be to the extent of the law. She comes back to the area in April, and I will try again for that no contact order because I have plenty of reason to do so, and more proof that she has no reason to be in my kids’ lives.
Even throughout my adulthood, she keeps telling me to sell my body, even after getting my License. My partner and my ex husband has heard her and they both know how her “joking about it” sends me into a spiral, which the disrespect is the main reason regular boundaries haven’t worked. I need to teach my kids that family are the people that have your back and the people you CHOOSE to have in your life regardless of blood relation. I hope that I am able to teach my kids that they deserve respect and can come to me about anything because we openly discuss these concepts because they are 10.5 and 16. I hope that when my kids are older they choose to have me in their lives and can make better boundaries and keep to them better than I did when I was a young adult.
Sorry for the long rant, but maybe I will express more another time.
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