So much has happened these past several years. I have been living in survival mode. My husband is bipolar and that alone was hard and scary when he went off his meds. But then my father died, we entered a pandemic. Got two small kids placed with us on an emergency basis. Had CPS and so many other agencies coming into our home every month for five years to check on them. I finally made my husband move out because I knew we would loose the kids - he was also out of control and it terrified me. I had to work full time and juggle the little ones AND my own kids. Finally got permanent custody of one of the kids but CPS located the father of the baby. She was 3 at the time and had never met him. Two years later I gave up custody to him. I had no more fight left in me. I had to believe he would love and take care of her. It broke my heart into A thousand pieces but I had to remain strong for her brother and my kids. Shower crying is real. All of that is over. We moved to a new house. I got a new job . We are healing- but I think the adrenaline I've lived on is gone now. The ring of the doorbell sends me into a panic. I get anxious easy. My hands shake and my heart beats too fast. Something triggers me and I feel so scared or anxious and I don't know how to calm my brain. I work from home now because people overload me. I was such a friendly outgoing person but now I am stunted. I need help learning how to process I guess. I feel alone. I am charge of work and my kids that I can't break. Anyone else?
Tired: So much has happened these past several... - Heal My PTSD
Tired
Destin2beMe
Welcome to the community.
You have definitely been living in survival mode. I'm so sorry for all you have been through and what you are facing.
There is so much on your plate, big responsibilities falling into your lap. There comes a time when we get so saturated with duties it's hard to keep pushing.
I'm reading that despite the changes you are still having symptoms. Do you have a therapist? Are you still involved with DCF? If so maybe the social worker can guide you to a therapist?
Please try and carve out some time to take care of yourself.
We are here to support you
❤️🐬
Thank you. Good afternoon. Thankfully DCF is not longer in our lives. I am nearing the end of finalizing my sons adoption. That's the part I am not understanding. The bad hard stuff is over. Yet even now I am sitting here full of anxiety. I wish I understood why. Maybe deep down I am afraid of more bad things happening. I am not sure. Tomorrow my little one starts his first day in a new school. I hope he likes it and the kids are kind. I'm just always worried. I am sitting here doing a puzzle. Just trying to slow down my thoughts. Tomorrow I have to be late for work so I can take him to school and finish his enrollment. It's hard having to work full time and find time to do things on a week day. So of course I'm worried about that. I will be taking him to school every morning and will be back in time to work but I have to trust in my kids- who btw are not kids. My youngest biological child is now 18. The twins will be 27 and my middle is 21. Three out of the four live here. So I will depend on them to make sure little who is 8 gets picked up. After all the hurdles we have jumped over I am thankful the biggest worry I have right now is who is going to get him after school. My husband is stable and back on his med but he lives 30 miles away now. My trust in him is slowly rebuilding but I don't know if I can ever fully. He stopped taking his meds at the most crucial time. I needed him to not fall apart. I understand that he is ill but I also know he made a choice that nearly had my little boy removed. That guts me. He was also not very nice. Which was hard because on his med he is the best guy. But I am left wondering if he is this horrible man and the meds suppress his personality or is he this great guy and the meds help keep him that way. Either way I can not risk fully trusting him. I wish I could because I need a help mate. I need the him I thought I knew. Just a lot of thoughts. Once we are here and few months I'm sure life will find a new normal. I just need to keep pushing. Typing out my thoughts have helped. Ty
I'm hoping writing this makes you see how overwhelming all this responsibility is.
You sound very wise and brave, I hope you can see that. You have clear thinking of what needs to be done and you have a plan. Great work
My thought is you may have to leave your husband to tend to his own work and then regroup after he's moved forward a bit. I imagine this will be very hard as not having him adds so much to your plate.
I know the issues that come with bipolar. My brother is, and luckily he is well medicated with shots now. We had to disown my step mother in law because she is unmedicated .
An accommodation you can do is to have a note on your door to tell people not to ring the bell, or you could try to adjust it or take it away altogether. Have people knock if that isn’t triggering. If it is, ask people you know to call or text when they get there.
Thank you. Knocks are worse. It's a big house and so we do need the doorbell when there is a delivery. Which I depend on 100%. I am just trying to make myself try and get used to it. I think my brain just always assumes is bad news on the other end. It was way to often before we moved. Police or social workers and being served to fight for custody. Leasing agent because we had too many ppl now living in that apartment. It was crazy. I'm sorry about your MIL. My husband ended up homeless by choice for over a year this last go round. He has been in his own apartment and back on some new medication for about a year. He wants to move back in but I can not. The first time he went off his meds we were separated for about a year when he moved back home. Fool me once.. I can go for a third round right now. I just need to let things be stable for a while. Then maybe. I don't know.
Hmmm… maybe change the ring tone. Also have people do good experiences with it. Start ordering door dash with a special treat to practice.
That's a good idea. Have a good week
Destin2beMe I am proud to hear thru your thoughts that there are boundries, good boundries in your life especially with husband. Sometimes we are apt to accept what is routine to us. Not immediately taking your husband back gave him time to grow more. You establishing a routine you can deal with is a wonderful self care start. I didnt know self care is the number 1 thing one should do first in order to set a foundation. It is not selfish it is energy to do other things including our own life. when we give all of ourselves away we have nothing left. ty
need to start dealing and healing 
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