One morning I got up for work, a normal Wednesday, October 21, 2009, nothing special about that morning, nothing special about the bus ride to the office, or getting to my desk. The physiotherapist had come in to meet with her patient, my boss and co-workers strolled in. We chatted briefly about the day ahead. Again, nothing special until...
I heard a boom, it was loud, and it took me a second to process what I heard. I leaned over to see if my boss had also heard that, her eyes were big, she did. We got up, open the main door to where the elevators faced and saw what appeared to be smoke. Did the elevator fall? Were people hurt? Where the heck was security? I stood there stunned, my boss was irritated; she started looking for security through the main doors. But it was a strange reaction I thought as she ran by me, she said something but I didn't hear it. So a few seconds went by as I strolled back into the office, my boss was in her office on the phone. My thoughts were, hmmm must be a fire, should grab a coat and get out of there. My very pregnant Physiotherapist had also heard the boom, she asked me what was wrong, and I said I think it’s a fire, we should get outside. She agreed, but then turned around to get her coat. I walked to the door, opened it and saw a man standing a few feet in front of me. I didn't recognize him, but as he turned I could see he was holding something long in his hand. As he lifted it towards me he said "get over here", I realized I was looking at the end of a rifle.
It was that moment I froze, then had a huge flash back of my drunken step father pointing a sawed off shot gun at me when I was around 10 years old, he was mad at me for not cooking a steak that was in the fridge. I thought to myself, not again, why is this happening to me again. Then I realized what the sound was I heard, it was a gunshot, the smoke was drywall smoke, I couldn't see security, did he shoot and kill him? I'm going to die.
A crazed man had come into my place of employment and took myself plus 8 others hostage. We were all taken along route to the 8th floor meeting room, told to tie ourselves to chairs and listen to the rants of an angry, crazed person. Eventually after a 10 hour stand-off, slowly letting us go one at a time, he gave up and was taken into custody. I still remember that day like it was yesterday, I still remember you’re not going to steal my adult life after all my childhood was terrible, I made it my mission after that day to forget about the event and move on.
I thought it had worked, I went back to work, the following week, I went about my business, I comforted the distressed staff, and I wanted to be the example... I wanted to forget so badly, I tried, first with intense exercise, this went on for a couple of years, and I was blowing out muscles, constantly sore. I started having trouble sleeping, so I would drink to fall asleep. I would go to work exhausted, started feeling like a total loser, a failure. What is wrong with me? The court date finally came and went, he was charged with 11 years. I remember shaking in court just seeing him standing there. I remember my mind unravelling but feeling too ashamed to say anything, what would people think if I wasn't this super happy person I've been passing off?
Then it happened, mid 2012 my neck twisted, I had no idea why. It was like someone had literally twisted my muscles in my neck and now my head was on a slant. I started with a med centre, they gave me anti inflammatories and said slow down on the exercise. When that didn't work, physio, Chiro, emergency rooms, no one could figure out what was going on including me. By almost Christmas time I had to wear a neck brace because my muscles stopped working all together. I was sent to a neurologist who said I had a condition called dystonia, then booked me for botox treatment for my neck. I was in bed for almost two months, they also gave me anti depressants, and clomazopam. I thought, this is my new normal, I will be like this forever. That’s when all the suicide thoughts started flooding in. By the summer time I did it, I tried to end my life. My husband and kids watched me down a whole bunch of pills. It was terrible. I ended up in emergency, this was the first time I heard the words PTSD. I met the most amazing therapist. She opened my eyes to the importance of working thru the pain of not just that day but also my childhood. She explained what PTSD was and how all of my symptoms made sense to me. The neck, the shame, the suicidal thoughts. Its been just over a year in therapy but I can tell you I’m a different person now. My neck is all better, I don’t have dystonia, I’m so much more aware of myself, I’m breathing again. I’m no longer at the company where it happened but a quieter low key job. My relationship with my husband and kids are so much closer. All in all I am happy, not fake happy.
Complex PTSD i cant remember what happeneded after I rescued my sister from a suicide attempt?
Would you go to work tomorrow
Who do I talk to??
I am experiencing more flashbacks...I think this is good.
