Grief..it isn't getting any easier...

[Kinali]

Grams has been gone since September. I haven't visited her grave once since the funeral. I decided yesterday I was ready. I didn't realize how ready I wasn't. I made it over and the tears started to fall. I will never understand why she was so horrible to until almost the end. The moment I heard she was asking for me all of that faded and I barely left her side for that month and a half. She told me she loved me for the very first time. I think the scene of my tear stained face and t-shirt while she said that to me will be burned in my brain for the rest of my life. Not that that is a bad thing, just something I never thought I would hear her say.I will never understand why my aunt and cousin despise me so much. What the hell did I do wrong? Why is it I am such a terrible person and they bad mouth me to everyone? It makes no sense to me. Then I get to thinking, maybe this life was always meant to be my destiny. Maybe I was meant to lead a life where pain would, in the end make me stronger. I talk to no one about this. Not even friends. I never realized how hard this would be on me. How hard I would have to fight to not show how this affects me. But it does...every single day..tears have been flowing for a bit now. Hopefully sleep comes soon...

[alaina]

Hey. Sorry I do not really have any advice but I would like to say I think it's amazing and took a lot of strength to visit. I've had 4 people very close to me that passed away. 2 grandparents a step father and my real father ,I to this day, 14 years after the first death,, not managed to acknowledge the deaths. I know the Grief is Overwealming. Even though I have no advice on how to deal with it, I wanted to say give your self credit for facing it. I believe acknowledging it is the hardest step. I want to congratulate you and tell you to be proud of your self. You may not be ready to face it, but you tried, that's more than a lot of people including me can say. It shows you have the strength to get through this. I wish you the best of luck Don't sell yourself short. It took a lot to go there. You can and will get through this.

[maggymax]

Dear Kinali, So much going on here for you. It is as if the loved ones around us who can see/feel our dependency control us by withholding love out of their own wounded perception of the world. That your grandmother softened in her final weeks must be terribly confusing. Your first thought might have been, "What couldn't she have been like this all along?" There is no easy answer except that she sounds as if she was burdened by her own issues. As for your aunt and cousin, they are projecting their bad feelings on you and making you the scapegoat. There is NOTHING you can do about this except live your life and don't let them get to you. Controlling you by hurting you is their "game." Thank God for tears. They let the poison out. They exhaust us and leave us ready for newer, better emotions. Take f=good cer of you and thank you for sharing your story and feelings.

[Hidden]

I can relate. I'm not sure if the relationship with your Grandmother was always confusing or only at the end but mixed energy in relationships can really be hard to resolve. I look at my Father as 2 people because that is what I know I have experienced. Love and abuse together really feels confusing but when she passed she probably wanted to try to make things right. That is a good thing. As far as other family allow them to own their choices and behavior. You can't make them change that but change your reaction. Take care of your heart. Grief is a process. You need extra care to come from yourself when others fall short. Feel better.... Time is a healer.

[Equis-Canine Volunteer]

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. May I offer some thoughts after experiencing family deaths way too many times? Everyone reacts differently but whatever the emotions, they are magnified.

Grief ebbs and flows. You will feel fine and healed one day then some tiny external thing will bring it roaring back. That is completely normal. Riding these waves becomes a part of life for quite some time.

I am a master at trying to figure out other people's actions and words. Why why why? It doesn't help. I also thought I could fix everything if I just thought about it enough. Nope. Love yourself, be compassionate toward yourself when you feel grief. Let the reactions of other family members slide off you. Ahhh if it was just that easy.....

[AnyaC]

Grief takes time, especially when it's tangled up with painful memories. Don't let anyone try to set a time limit on your grief. It's different for each of us, and sometimes it's a pain we learn to live with. I've been grieving for 13 years, and every year the anniversaries of that time are just as painful as the days they happened. The pain has become a companion. At least I know I'm still alive if I can feel the pain.

My son was murdered in 2002, 5 years after he was diagnosed as a sociopath. We had dealt for 14 years not knowing what was wrong with our family, or my son... guilt, pain, anger... it was all a part of my life for many, many years. In a way, it still is. The grief is tangled up with all of it, and add to it relief that he was gone and couldn't hurt anyone else. When he was diagnosed, we were told he could be a serial killer....

Soooo many people have tried to get me to get over it. How long has it been??? It will get easier in time, and will help if you quit dwelling on it. I don't dwell on it - it's just part of my life. My body physically remembers all of those anniversaries.... They tell me to remember the good memories, to be comforted by those. I don't have any - he was 4 when we started dealing with his disorder. Way too many bad memories hide the few good there were. People don't want to hear about it, they don't care enough to help me through it. Every year is the same. They don't have a clue what it's like to live like this....

Don't blame yourself for what others tell you. The way they react toward you is their problem, not yours. If that's the way they're going to be, you don't need them in your life. I dumped the baggage that wasn't helping and caring and loving a long time ago.

I don't cry.... I haven't really cried since he died. Be thankful for the relief you get from those tears... they are healing, a release of the pain and strengthening you to begin again. I wish I could....

I'm truly sorry for your loss. I know you'll get through it, that you'll find peace in whatever way is right for you. If the pain becomes a companion, that's o.k. too. It's just the way life is, and as ugly as it can be, we are survivors of it all. Let them bring their worst to try to hurt us! We'll survive and be strong. Or we'll go to our private places and fall apart for a while, but it will be o.k. There is still life on the other side... I pray you find the joy and peace that's waiting for you. <3

[GRUMPYA]

Hi

i hope the relief of crying and posting have made you feel a bit better.

My family rejected me from childhood. My uncle's family treated me badly but now as an adult i can see that they treated me badly because they treated everyone badly. They were jealous of me. My other Uncle's resented me because i was an only child and my parents were not poor and the really important thing from their point of view, was that my father was HIS parents favourite so their resentment towards him came out on me. I did nothing to deserve it. Even now I have no family that communicates with me. I did nothing wrong and they are the loses. I never had them so I am missing nothing.

Most family crap goes back generations.Probably yours does too. You ccan't make people like you or love you but you only have one go at this life and if you waste energy and time on people that aren't worth it you will miss out on much happier times with people who do care.

It leaves a sore on anyone who is rejected. We all have that tender spot where we don't go but the best way of proving that you are a good person and to find people who will love you for being you, is to go and be succesful and happy.

I understand the pain of wanting a relationship and mourning the loss of the relationship you wanted but there is no point in trying to make people care if they don't. Go and make something great out of yourself and accept that somethings will never change

[Kinali]

Thank you everyone for your kind thoughts.

Cape joy- our relationship was always rocky. I always had the feeling I was never wanted by that side of the family. I am kind of the black sheep of the family and stand up for myself. My dad aka sperm donor is an alcoholic. It shows now after so many years. He has the yellow eyes and skin. I saw him again after seven years at the funeral. I don't know if he was expecting me to look so much like his mother as I do. Everyone knew who I was because they said " she is drop dead gorgeous just like her grandmother." Yes, in the end I have to agree, she tried to make things right. She knew she didn't have long and it was hard for both of us. She died 20 minutes before I got there. I go through the thoughts in my head and think how much she didn't know about me. I never told her or anyone I have PTSD although never once did it show while I was around that side. My therapist told me as many have said to just ignore my aunt and my cousin which I am going to at this point. If they want something they can come to me. Meanwhile, they can talk all they want and make themselves look like idiots. I just wish most of all, that the ones who want me around would come to me when they hear this crap. I am not that scary.