Deflated with all this....anyone any advice or help!!

[Kilk22]

First time posting while wiping away the tears....losing all hope already. Background is ttc 3 years. 36 years old for another month 😢 Low amh at 4.86. Slight male issue of dna frag. Semen analysis all perfect. 1st ivf max dose of Gonal f, complete disaster in September. 4 follicles , 2 eggs retrieved, only one good enough to do icsi. Zero fertilization. Told only hope is donor. Never forget the utter devastation. Took 5 months out, started dhea, ubiquinol 600g, vit d, fish oils, wheat grass, procieve max, folic acid, weekly fertility acupuncture, Brazil nut daily, clean diet with lots of fruit n veg. I’m a healthy eater for years anyway. Also changed clinics. Partner also taking procieve max for months. Haven’t drank alcohol in 2 months. Started on estrogen priming protocol which I’ve read gives a lot better outcome. Fematab for 7 days, then Gonal f 300 with menopur 300 and testosterone patches for 5 nights. Had first scan today after 6 days on stims. ,,,,,,4 FOLICLES ,,,,, yes I do know it only takes 1 but as much as I don’t even like hearing that anymore, I know deep down the chances are slim and it feels like deja vù all over again. THis is costing us huge money and we honestly can’t afford anymore. I know there’s sooooo many worse off stories than this but I’m absolutely crushed. I’ve a headache from hell from crying so much. I really thought we’d get even a small few more. The clinic would cancel the cycle if three folicles or less but myself and my partner said we’d cancel if there was only same as last time. I know it’s the quality that matters but this is a huge risk for us to take for the possibly same outcome as the last. I’ve another scan Friday but I know there won’t be anymore folicles as the four on the screen are well on their way in growth and there is no other smaller ones that might come on. If we cancel the nurse said we could try prepping for longer and go again once I get my next bleed. I’m so afraid of their still just been 4 and that’s it. We will just have to go for it and throw all the money in and hope for the best. I don’t know what I’m even asking here , maybe has this happened to anyone before? Has anyone got a better outcome with longer prepping etc? I was so sure menopur would change things up and the estrogen priming , all the testosterone etc. I’m beyond exhausted and angry. Now I must head out to work to mind all my little school infants. It’s heartbreaking. X

[emmab178]

Oh bless you hun. Try to stay positive. You've done everything in your power to get those 4 follicles into high quality eggs. That number doesn't represent quality and you won't know till they are out and doing their thing.

Blimey i don't know what more you could do. You've gone above and beyond what I've been doing and then some more on top.

Sending big hugs x

[Kilk22 in reply to emmab178]

Thank you Emma. Appreciate your reply.xx that’s the killer....I’ve done everything I can...I didn’t want any regrets. Our only catch is in order to see and hope those four are super quality we have to pay over 6 k, as obviously we’d be going ahead with th cycle, retrieval etc. we’ve already done an over 6 k cycle last September to result in nothing. It’s huge money to us and we’ve literally been living like paupers the last 5 months to gather another 6k. I know if it works any amount is worth it, but it’s such a risk. That’s the killer. We just wish so much we had more follies but I do know women have often had way more and still bad outcome, oh it’s all so torturing. Best wishes to you too Emma. Xx

[emmab178 in reply to Kilk22]

I "only" had 8 follicles, with 5 eggs collected. 3 mature enough for icsi. All 3 made it to blast. All look like crap numbers till the last bit. It's a big expensive decision but you've got to be in it to win it.

Theres no way you can't look back and say you didn't do everything you could x

Hopefully done people jump on with experience of increasing the quality with the steps you've taken.

[Kilk22 in reply to emmab178]

Isn’t it such a pity that not all follicles contain an egg?? But then you have the worry of them been mature or not, then quality or not, then making it to day 5...oh god, it’s just a nightmare.

Thanks again. I’ll just have to wait and see how Friday goes.xx

[Hidden]

I am so sorry to read this. I was in the same position last year (and might well face the same in a few weeks - had my second injection today.) None of our embryos made it and I felt like dying. I couldn’t believe the pain. Not to mention the financial cost. We paid almost 10k.

There are clinics that are much cheaper than 6k and ones that will do half donor and half your own egg/sperm in one cycle. It might be worth thinking about...that is my plan C anyway xx

[Kilk22 in reply to Hidden]

Oh Anna, I got a pain in my heart just reading that. You poor thing. That pain is just indescribable 😣 the emotional side is so much to deal with let alone the financial side on top. It really takes months to get over something like this, if we ever do at all. I have looked at every clinic available to me and there all around the same price. Our first clinic was slightly cheaper but with all our initial tests etc it mounted to over 6k. Our current clinic is known as a top place so I was happier knowing were in good hands, but again, there’s o lay so much they can do, it’s up to my body to do the rest and it’s just not able to give me more 😢

That’s interesting about half donor half my own eggs. I can ask about it for sure. I think this will be our last go though (unless I can convince my partner in months down the line, and maybe apply for a loan, which then I have the worry of been older again)

Wishing u so much luck in your cycle this time round xx

[Kempton]

Sorry to hear it's been so tough. I was in my early 30s when I went through ivf. Only had 4 follicles but they all contained an egg. Long story short, we had 2 get to blastocyst stage and it was my second (FET) transfer that resulted in my pregnancy.

I know age can affect egg quality, but you're healthy and you've been taking things that'll help the quality of your eggs. I don't want to give advice that'll make you regret your decision but 4 isn't necessarily a bad number. That's all I wanted to say really.

Wishing you lots of luck and hope this is your time.

[Kilk22 in reply to Kempton]

Thanks kempton , appreciate that. I’ll get my head around it all in a few days, it was just a knife through the heart after the scan today and such deja vu of a really horrible experience.

That’s brilliant you had a positive outcome in the end with 4 follicles.

With all the latest (expensive) technology and machines they have these days you’d think there would be something that could at least tell us if we actually have good eggs in those follies....

Why life has to be so cruel to so many of us is beyond me...xx

[Ohheck]

Hi, fate threw us a curb ball early on and whilst we are in our 20's we are relying on donor sperm. It was a shock, nobody expects this, especially when youve done everything right. If you end up going down the donor route feel free to message me any questions you have. You still have follicles, and you still have some hope x

[Kilk22 in reply to Ohheck]

That must of been a huge shock is right. It’s terrible to have to deal with that, on top of the emotional struggle already. I hope ye are coping ok with it now and have the best outcome. X thank you for your kind words and support. Not knowing my biological parents myself is gonna make it that extra bit tougher for me. Hopefully my folicles will turn into the best miracle I could ever wish for. X Life really can be so cruel. Wishing ye lots of luck.

[Hidden]

Hi kilk22,it sounds like you have done everything you could possibly do. I know how devastating this can be, my 1st cycle was abandoned as I didn't produce any follicles at all, I had high FSH levels and was put on the highest dose and it made no difference and was told only option are donor eggs,it took me a while to get my head around that but I'm now on the 2ww with my third cycle. I had thought about trying again with my own eggs but I decided I couldn't take the risk financially. I wish you all the very best of luck xx

[Kilk22 in reply to Hidden]

Thanks Claire, I can totally relate to the not been able to go through the emotional rollercoaster myself. It’s so hard and I’m only after havin one scan...I guess I just feel angry and let down as I’ve worked so so hard and spent so much money on supplements etc for the last 5 months in hopes of even just a couple more follies. Mountains of Baby dust to you xxx

[Emska77]

I really feel your pain and it really sounds like you are being put through the mill. You are doing all you possibly can nutrition wise by the sounds of it as well and then some! I have been there, with the constant crying and feeling the stress that this journey inflicts on you. Friends all around me have kids and some haven’t really had to to try at all. But there are all sorts of success stories out there affecting all kinds of people in challenging situations with varying AMH levels, ages etc. Please don’t lose hope.

Take heart from what you do have that is good in life and take one day at a time. I would be inclined to complete this cycle if you can find the strength, as you really won’t know until egg collection is done what eggs you have. You just never know xxx

[Kilk22 in reply to Emska77]

Thanks so much. It is tough. All of my friends have kids too. A lot without any effort of trying either. It’s a killer. So many announcements all around me too. Such an isolated journey. I will definitely be going ahead with a cycle, I’m just not sure if it will be this one. If the doc can suggest something that might possibly get more follicles (longer priming etc) we’ll cancel this one but go ahead with the next one regardless if there’s anymore follicles or not. Well I hope anyway. My partner threw a massive wobbler last night that had me gutted. He doesn’t see the point and doesn’t want to go ahead with such small numbers.

On top of everything else, this has killed me altogether.

[Hidden]

Well done. It sounds like you are foing everything right. I am not sure that you can increase the number of follicles, but you will certainly have the best quality eggs you can produce from them. Really wishing you lots of baby dust xxx

[Kilk22 in reply to Hidden]

Thanks camillage. Yea your right, I don’t think you can really either, but I have read where women that have poor outcome on first ivf and with changed protocol have ended up with many more follicles, maybe it’s just pot luck, some haven’t had a positive outcome but some have so I suppose I just had my hopes pinned on at least 6 or more, just to possibly give us a little bit better chance. It’s all a worry now for me anyway. Baby dust to you too. X

[Hidden in reply to Kilk22]

The main thing you need is one good egg. I really hope you have a different outcome to the last time. I have everything crossed for you xx

[Kilk22 in reply to Hidden]

Me too. Really really praying. Thank you.xxxx

[Nodds]

My heart goes out to you. Please remember that you’re in a fog of meds at the moment, so emotions are often intensified; but I understand exactly what you’re feeling.

£6k is a lot of money for anyone, and it can feel like all we’re doing is contributing to the Consultants pension fund, but there is hope and there is a chance... and that’s worth £6k alone!

Imagine you stopped now, knowing what you know and didn’t go through with treatment. When you were 90 sat in your nursing home, I bet one of your life regrets would be not giving it a go. “You never know til you have a go”...

I think you deserve to live your life without a raft of ‘what-ifs...’.

It could all work and you’ll be relieved that you took the chance. Or, it might not work, but at least you gave it your best shot and you know.

This journey is never easy, you learn a lot about yourself, your relationship and your friends and family, it’s like having a wonderful little spyhole into humanity 😊It’s a tough journey, but I know you can do it.xxx

[Kilk22 in reply to Nodds]

Hi nodds, you speak exactly like my mind thinks. There’s no way I’m giving up , not yet anyway, it’s one thing I never want to have, especially when it comes to kids, to have regrets, I have my mind already wondering if after retrieval , whenever it might be, to ask about doing another cycle ASAP. I think my clinic might do back to back cycles and bank as many eggs as I can. But I better not get too ahead of myself yet and try get over and through this big hurdle first. As I was saying above, my partner had me in floods last night as he said he doesn’t want to go ahead at all with only four follicles. Distraught and left empty is an understatement. I’m a lot better today and I’m not letting myself get stressed over it or him. It’s not good for eggs anyway. I did explain to him they could be four perfect eggs but he’s completely negative after the first ivf we had with the same number and it was a complete disaster. He sees this as the very same and a waste of money. Excuse my French but what a pr**k