Update on my Anxiety

[Cforte]

Update on my health: I have no idea what is real and what is just "anxiety." I have had a cough for almost a month now (started right after I got a flu shot) that sometimes coughs up a lot of choking mucus and other time just hurts my entire upper body (head, throat, and chest) with a sore, itchy throat, head, nasal and chest congestion, and stuffy ears that are hard to hear out of at times. I can't breathe through my nose and my chest constantly feels constricting and bruised, like there is a rock or book sitting on my lower chest (where it meets the stomach) holding it down. At times it feels my heart and lungs are in a vice and unable to expand or function right. And it hurts my chest when I take a deep breath. A normal Cold shouldn't last this long! I take cough medicine or Zyrtec at night, Sudafed PE in the morning, and I take Zantac daily for my diagnosed chronic acid reflux. Because I can't sleep at night thanks to my anxiety being worse then, I am too tired to function during the day without help, so I drink energy drinks or coffee and it just makes my anxiety and panic attacks worse when I come down from it. I had a Monster Coffee energy drink before I ushered at Mass Saturday night and I started panicking: my heart raced, but, rationally, I knew that was due to the caffeine, but for no reason I started sweating, especially in my hands, I got the chills, I started shaking, I got nauseous, and I felt like I couldn't catch my breath, though I wasn't actually breathing fast or hyperventilating. I knew it was just a panic attack, so I fought it and stayed through all of Mass, but afterwards I had to get home quickly where I could get my mind off it and relax.

Which is why I am scared now to go anywhere far, scared that I would have a panic attack in public and can do nothing about it. I have Xanax, but last time I took it it just sedated me, it didn't stop my panic attacks. I still felt like I couldn't breathe, just on the Xanax, I was too tired to do anything about it. It was like waking up during an operation and not being able to move or scream. So I don't take Xanax. I have my medication, a generic form of Lexapro, but I am still afraid to take it until I talk to a clinical psychiatrist that is happening on March 7th. I just get these random panic attacks out of the blue for no reason in situations where just back in December I was completely comfortable even confident in. It doesn't help when you have a long-running Cold, pain when I breathe deeply, cough that hurts everywhere, nose so congested I can't breathe at all through it, stuffy ears that I can barely hear out of (though it mainly only happens on the left side), and head and chest congestion. For a person with anxiety, even the smallest issue that most people would just brush off, like an every-day Cold, becomes blown out of proportion and becomes or feels like an issue of life or death. Hopefully, I can sleep tonight and get to work on time, 7:00 am. Then struggle through work. Please continue to pray for me, and as usual, any advice or your own experience will help.

[Cforte]

Update: That was originally posted on my personal FB page on Sunday night (Feb. 18th, 2018). Today, Wednesday, Feb. 21st, 2018, I actually felt fine, almost like my old self-again. At least for most of the day, anyways. It is weird and quite sad that just when I think I am over my anxiety and feeling normal, intrusive thoughts and even a full-blown panic attack will just hit me out of the blue like a bolt of lightning. Just as I'm feeling good, it was in the afternoon just a few hours before my work ended for the day, suddenly my chest felt funny and I thought I couldn't breathe, though I was breathing, and I lost all energy and felt very winded and weak, like I just ran a marathon or lifted a thousand pounds. I knew it was just a panic attack, so I fought it off, but this constant battle is getting too hard for me. I got into bed at 9:00 pm, at 11:35 pm (the real time now) I am still up though I am very tired. Why? Because ironically it is at night, when I am tired and relaxed, that the uncontrollable, intrusive thoughts hit me harder and I have to ignore them by keeping my mind busy. And sometimes I don't have them, I'm just afraid I will have them or a full-blown panic attack...so sometimes it becomes a self-fulfilled prophecy. Strangely, in the daytime, I can sleep just fine (though still not perfect.) I think my anxiety and panic attacks are triggered not just by intrusive thoughts or social situations, but by locations and memories: I had a panic attack at night, I am afraid of the night (or of sleeping during it) If I have a panic attack on the bus, I'm afraid to get on a bus (because I might have another panic attack there.) And so forth. I know I just need to re-train my mind and my perspective on these things, and ignore the lying thoughts, but that is not easy. I see a psychiatrist on March 7th. Hopefully she can give constructive ways to do so and to cope with or even heal my anxiety. And no, I am no longer taking my medication (Lexapro) or Xanax. I hope to fight this without them. But we'll see. Thanks.

Btw, my ears (especially my left) did not feel stuffy today and though my nose was still congested and I still hurt when I coughed, it all seemed to be much tamer today. So maybe most or all of that too was caused by anxiety?

[gemfire in reply to Cforte]

Just a quick note to let you know you're not the only person going through these things. Reading what you wrote could've been ME typing it! For me, just knowing I'm not the only one that goes through that helps! I can tell you that you describe "avoidance behavior" which I've had for many years. Sometimes it's just easier to stay in your safe place BUT on the other hand look at all the things we miss out on because we do. Vicious cycle.

[b1b1b1]

Its sounds like you need to see a doctor as soon as pkossible for your cold. It should not last that long. You probably need antibiotics. An untreated cold or flu can become pneumonia if not treated. Even if it does it is treatable, but see a doctor.

[Indigojoe]

Cforte, a visit to the doc to have a listen to your chest is always a good idea. Promise all of us that you WILL go to mass tomorrow night, even if, you don't usher. You have 24 hours NOT to have any caffeine so the odds of a racing heart will be nil. Get back on the horse as they say, and Church is a pretty safe place. You have familiarity and you have the god of your heart. Either way GO BACK again tomorrow night and report back.

What you wrote about above, has all happened to me, and I have never touched a caffeine drink in my life.

I got the JOLT from my clever little intrusive thoughts........be strong for all of us tomorrow. and while you are there, say a little prayer for me. Thanks

[Cforte]

Hi, thank you all. As for my Cold: two weeks ago I was coughing up and choking on mucus, so I called my insurance nurse line. I was choking so bad I could barely talk to her, so she ordered me to hang up and call 911. I didn't want another ambulance bill (I live in the USA) so I took Uber to the ER and checked myself in. By the time I got there, the cough syrup I took had kicked in and I was no longer coughing up choking mucus. The doctor finally saw me and said there was no mucus or infection in my lungs, so just prescribed even stronger Cold & Flu medicine. A week later I was in my doctors office and he said I just had a regular Cold, nothing serious. I was even in the ER not long ago when I got dizzy and every EKG, blood test, and listening to my heart and lungs came back normal. So it is a long-running Cold to be sure, or one that keeps coming back, but I have been told repeatedly it is nothing serious.

As for my anxiety, yesterday I was anxious all day and fought off numerous panic attacks. Today, I didn't have one and felt almost normal. I have my good days, my bad days, my horrible days, my bad nights, and my horrible nights....it is not consistent. But then I also started taking herbal supplement drinks again....this has ephedra extract, caffeine anhydrous, taurine, malic acid, phenylethylamine hcl, glucuronolactone, theobromine, and yohimbine hcl, along with preservatives and sodium, potassium, and citric acid. These drinks didn't give me the alertness that the pill I form I used to take did, but since I'm getting only a few hours of sleep a night, the fact that they keep me going at all is a miracle. And I haven't had a panic attack at all today. I almost feel normal! I know I need medication (the herbal supplements are my way of medicating myself), depression and anxiety runs on both sides of my family and I have relatives on both sides on SSRI medications, I am just scared to take it due to possible side effects, the withdrawal symptoms whenever I quit (though would be years from now), and the long-term effect on the mind and body. But these herbal supplements are only a temporary fix, over time they can cause more damage than actual medication. (And they're a lot more expensive.) The only positive with them is they don't mess with brain chemicals. So I know I need to change...especially if I want any real, long-term healing or coping.

Yes, I am going to Usher at Mass tomorrow, I am even volunteering at an Italian-American cultural center that i volunteered at before. I promised myself this anxiety would not slow me down or stop me, that i would not change my life dramatically because of it (except for getting medication and therapy, of course.) I am exhausted and need to sleep, I am not panicking at all, but I am afraid that I will panic, that those intrusive thoughts would enter my mind. Isn't strange how we can have anxiety about having anxiety? That we can be so scared of panic attacks, it becomes a self-fulfilled prophecy? But I do feel pretty okay right now (at 9:06 pm Pacific time) and I can sleep in most of the day tomorrow, so I will try to sleep soon. Thank you all.