Feel hopeless and cry every day

[Moomstonemama]

When I read the posts on here i realize that I'm not alone, but every day I feel hopeless. I want to feel better but an energy sits in my solar plexus or moves to my throat or my legs. I go to work and interact with people all day, but I'm stuck inside my head and the feeling is of such hopelessness and despair. At the beginning of december I freaked that a pain in my neck was breast cancer metastisis and then I went into DP/DR which I have on and off over the years. It usually comes for about 4-5 months and eventually fades away. My main worry is death. Not that I'm going to die now, but some day. It takes over every thought and moment and even though I'm doing other things it's always there. This time however, it came with much more crazy existential thoughts than normal and the DP/DR wasn't so strong but the anxiety, with agitation was terrible. It got to the point where I couldn't sit still, I paced and couldn't sleep. I felt like vomiting every morning. I couldn't eat. All that has calmed down, I can work now but I have this fear still of dying, or the fear of the fear? And it just takes over my life, it makes me feel hopeless and disconnected from the normal rhythmns of life it that makes sense. It try to do things to help get into life, like working but I don't feel like socializing, everything is a chore to do, but nothing seems to help. I just

want to curl up and disappear. I'm so sad every day. I cry. I just want it to end. It's been nearly 8 months now. I feel this disparate feeling every day. I'm going back to see my psychiatrist on thursday and maybe he can change my meds. I've been on Escitalopram since March. It feels like nothing will change and talking to a therapist doesn't seem to help. It all seems so pointless. I have a great family, husband who is super supportive and 3 grown kids who are great. I know in my heart that this life is worth living but I just don't know how to feel it anymore.

[HopingCat]

Sorry to hear that you are struggling with this evil. I been with this hell Dp/dr for 5 months now and at first the existential thoughts were hell!!! They lasted about 3 months and faded. I have the anxiety and agitation from this and it's a nightmare. Now 5 months later I still have it but I can function. I just forced myself to do everything like normal. It's almost like I have to retrain my brain. Have you tried meditation, yoga, lavender tea, essential oils, exercise? I have 3 kids too and I'm doing everything in my power to get better for them. They don't even know I'm suffering from this because I hide it so well. Hang in there! Maybe a change of medication will help.

[Moomstonemama in reply to HopingCat]

thank you Hoping Cat. It does help to talk with others who understand. It seems like DP?DR are only curable by just getting on with life and trying to pay it no attention. (that's how I've always got over it before) I'm trying Headspace meditation. I have to rush off to work now, but thank you soo much for replying. I've got some lavender roibos tea that I will give a try. Yes the anxiety and agitation is an absolute nightmare. thank you!

[elizabethbinion]

I've had the same issues for 3 months. I had to take a month off from work and have to go back in 7 days. I don't know how I'll cope. I guess I'll fake it until I make it. I could have written this post myself. I will say prayers for us both!

[Moomstonemama in reply to elizabethbinion]

This is a living hell for so many of us. I can't describe how debilitating it is. I started work about a month ago, and I took ativan for the first 2 weeks and then I was flying solo. I can do it now, but I'm still anxious and stuck in my head every day. Perhaps you are able to go back part time to begin with. You could talk with your doctor about taking something like Ativan to have in your pocket for the first little while. Thank you for the prayers. I will do the same for you.

[elizabethbinion in reply to Moomstonemama]

Thanks so much! Yeah I'll have to figure out something for sure!