Feel like I'm losing my mind

Hi there everyone

I'm new to this site so please forgive me if I make a few mistakes, also this is going to be long but I need to get it off my chest with the hope someone will help me. My name is Nathaniel, I'm 16 years old and currently living with my girlfriend. Anxiety has become a big part of my life the past year. I have left school due to a complete fallout with some of my friends whom I thought would be my friends for life, due to me dating my current girlfriend they all ditched me, they talk a lot of crap behind me and her backs and overall are quiet immature about it. After leaving school and having no one but my girlfriend I started to feel a bit lonely, I ended up starting to smoke marijuana, and alcohol became a problem for short while. In that short while due to being under the influence of drinking I had a few big fights with my father which resulted in me and my siblings being moved to my mother's place, it wasn't completely my fault either. My dad is an alcoholic, and a druggo, he's bipolar and denies it, making every second around him a constant worry he's going to freak out at you for the smallest thing or just be a sad ass for nothing.. Anyway My step-dad took everyone under his roof except me, my mum wanted me but he wouldn't take me in, and my mum was in a financial situation where she couldn't live him. I was forced to move into a rented out cabin out the back of my girlfriends. I pay for this through a benefit I receive for not being able to live with my parents. I get a spare 40 a week, and it doesn't take a genius to guess where most of that goes. It feels as if I have slowly slipped into a state of having anxiety. I have a very concerning fear of judgment in social situations. If I'm uncomfortable enough I feel like I have trouble swallowing (Choking like feeling?), my hands begin to shake slightly, I get wobbly legs and if I'm sitting they bounce. I hate this so much. When my girlfriend and family are doing something fun say outside I want to join in so bad but I can't bring myself to it, I just hide away in my cabin. Around my girlfriends family I feel like I'm never myself, as if I hide my true self away because I'm scared of what they'll think of me. I'm usually worried about how I look, I'm scared people think I'm ugly even though I'm told I'm not and most people think I'm actually pretty attractive, but I just don't feel it. I worry people think I'm weird, and that I won't fit it. Me and my girlfriends relationship is good but sometimes I get snappy and I think it's because of my almost constant social anxiety because I'm living with a whole other family. I smoke quiet a bit of marijuana and have recently begun using opiates as an escape. They make me feel free, like a giant weight is lifted off my shoulders. I often stay up all night on them, embracing every second of this state I can. I know this is a problem but I havnt done any for over a week now but somehow feel lost without them, I don't know what to do. I just want to be comfortable living at my own home. I know I won't be able to rid myself of anxiety (My mother haspanic attacks, social anxiety, and major depressive disorder so i think it's hereditary) and I have suffered a childhood of constantly being moved around from town to town, school to school. I have witnessed my mum being beaten as a child, after she took me and my siblings far away to nowhere to meet her new boyfriend she meet online. With all this it doesn't surprise me my life is a mess. I just need someone to talk to

[doglover123]

You have been through quite alot, and youre very brave for coming to this forum and getting it off your chest. Well done for not using opiates for a week, that is something to be proud of, and if you can not use them for one week, you can not use them for two weeks!

Can you not talk to your girlfriend?

You have come to the right place. Feel free to message myself and any others who may reply on this thread

[Hidden in reply to doglover123]

I can talk to my girlfriend, but something in me makes it so so hard to truly express myself. It's hard to get the words out. Sometimes I get anxious around her, not a lot and only bout certain things

[doglover123 in reply to Hidden]

I completely understand about not being able to get the words out. But if you intend on staying with this girlfriend you need to slowly start sharing these things with her.

Though please talk to me if you need to rant

[Hidden in reply to doglover123]

I do plan on staying with her, I really do love her, and I hate how anxiety has to affect our relationship. It seems sometimes she doesn't understand, but then again do I really want her to..

[Goldfish_]

I'm shocked to hear of your situation. Which country are you in? Doesn't sound like the uk

Prayer, social services, the church, an apprenticeship. Maybe Donald T will help.

Drugs will get you in deep trouble even though you may see them as an escape. You have been through a lot but don't look upon yourself as a victim. It will be difficult and hard work, but others have found a way forwards.

[Hidden in reply to Goldfish_]

Thank you for your reply, and yes I have managed a week and half without any opiates, however i am starting to crave as my anxiety has been a little worse the past 2 or 3 days

[kinikia95]

Your symptoms sound like anxiety and it's no wonder - you have a lot going on. Youre so young to be on your own. I wish you could find a counselor to talk with, maybe with the organization that gives you the benefit money. We're glad you came here.

[Hidden in reply to kinikia95]

Yes I have a appointment to get into councelling next Tuesday. Was meant to be today but there's been an earthquake

[kinikia95]

Oh my! I saw that on the news. That doesn't help the nerves. I'm so glad you're okay and that you have an appointment.

[Hidden in reply to kinikia95]

Yeah, sometimes I don't even know how I feel :/ it's nice to be able to relate to others and just chat

[kinikia95 in reply to Hidden]

I'm glad you have an appointment because a counselor can help you sort out some of the finer points and again, it's hard enough for us that are older but you are dealing with so much at such a young age. But you're right, it's helpful to just chat with people who have your same issues and this is a great safe place for that. I hope you get a chance to look through other posts and interact with everyone and maybe post some more of your own thoughts. It helps us all to hear from one another.