Feel like I'm losing my mind here

[Hudlebert]

OK, this is probably gonna be a wall of text so sorry in advance but I'm feeling pretty lost and like I'm gradually going insane. I've. been suffering from anxiety and a bit of depression due mainly to dyspraxia and lack of self esteem since about December and decided to start on antidepressants in January. I smoked weed a couple weeks later with some mates and had paranoia the likes of which I have never experienced before. I was convinced we were going to crash and die, and it was like there was a tape playing in my head of what was going to happen. Of course, nothing happened but the fact that I was totally convinced and bought into it absolutely terrified me. And I haven't really felt myself since. I've smoked weed in very small amounts a couple times since and I start to get the same sort of paranoid thoughts, so no more weed for me. I felt the Citalopram wasn't really helping much and was making me feel really weird so came off it in early March. I tapered off it over a few days (my dad's a gp and said that was fine) but since then I've taken another turn for the worse. I feel anxious pretty much all the time. I have persistent negative and weird thoughts, am seeing things out of the corner of my eye and faces in things, I also sometimes smell things that aren't there and sometimes hear things in background noise and misinterpret sounds. I guess I probably haven't been helping myself in that I keep looking up about schizophrenia and have basically managed to convince myself I'm in the prodromal phase of a breakdown. Both my doctor and a psychologist have said that what I have is anxiety and after hearing that I feel better for a bit but then always come back to "what if you haven't told them everything" or "what if they've misinterpreted what you've said" and since I had an experience where I kinda lost it I'm terrified of that happening again.

I have such a fear of this that I'm scared to do pretty much anything. I've got dyspraxia and have never had much self confidence and have always felt inferior to pretty much everyone but right now my self esteem is totally non existent. I managed to get a job which keeps me busy but I feel like I'm shit at it, mess up alot which knocks me more. I feel like my short term memory is shit, my head feels fogged up and I can't concentrate on anything. My coworkers are very understanding and supportive but I keep thinking that they're just saying that and they actually think I'm useless (how can they not). Overall my head just feels like it's in a really weird place right now, I feel like my life has sorta paused and I'm just surviving day to day. I'm 23 had loads of ideas for the future but I feel like i just couldn't achieve anything in my current head space. I've always been something of a late bloomer and feel like there's a lot of life I haven't experienced yet and now I never will. I'm feeling pretty stuck right now and would appreciate any advice, cheers.

[Hidden]

Hi Hudlebert.

Sorry to hear of your struggles.

Your dr and psychologist would have known the right questions to ask to reach the conclusions they made, when you saw them. You could see them again or speak to them ,I’m sure ,if symptoms change or for any clarification.

Has therapy been a consideration of yours, maybe could help with the self esteem issues and fears. You can self refer to talking therapies in your area on the NHS. There will be a waiting list, but I found worth the wait. As a result of therapy I was introduced to mindfulness, I just think it all helps , being aware what is out there ...

You can still achieve your ideas, we can be so hard in ourselves at times, you deserve to feel better and getting the right combination of support and learning to manage things, will help you to feel better about things, it’s a gradual process in my opinion small steps achieve big things..

It’s a good start coming here and talking about it, I know it helps me to write it down. It must be overwhelming thinking about all of the things you have written here. Take it bit by bit, in my opinion look into some therapy as a therapist could help you break it down ...

Best wishes..🌺

[Jeff1943]

Your doctor and mental health specialist haven't misinterpreted what you told them. You do have anxiety disorder, that is clear from your post and the symptoms you are experiencing.

Anxiety disorder is a neurosis not a psychosis so it cannot send you insane or switch to schizophrenia. You are clearly sensitive to dope so clearly not a good idea to keep smoking the stuff.

All the symptoms you describe are unimportant because they are not real. They are fake illnesses caused by an over sensitised nervous system whereby your mind imitates the symptoms of serious illnesses. But they are not that, they never show up on a scan, they never show up on x-rays, they never show up in blood work and they never show up on ECGs for the very good reason they are fake and don't really exist.

So cease trying to cure your symptoms: nobody can cure themselves of an illness they don't have no matter how hard they try.

Divert your attention from these fraudulent symptoms to the root cause of your problem - anxiety. Once you can fix that all the fake symptoms will cease to trouble you and you will regain your quiet mind.

[Missnoname]

I believe what you are going through is anxiety based. Do you have a familial history of schizophrenia?

I'm also not tolerant of Marijuana. If you are seeking the anxiety relieving effects you've heard about, you need to look into specific strains and CBD oil. There are many strains that act as a stimulant... No good for people with anxiety.

Also, IDK if it helps bc it's just one symptom, but I ALWAYS hear voices or songs in background noise (like a fan). It's actually a normal phenomenon that many people with no mental illness experience. It comes from your brains attempt to make sense of the auditory input. It also may be possible that you have a sensory disorder. Many people with anxiety do and it's often overlooked.

[abc1517]

Most schizophrenics don’t know they are schizophrenic. You sound too aware of yourself to have serious psychosis. I’ve been there though. Going on and off meds plus the weed are most likely the culprits. Try to relax my friend. It’s all going to be ok.

[Ashlyxo]

I also smell things that aren't there. I also hear songs in my head constantly and sometimes think in other people's voices when I get really racy. I'm not schizophrenic.. my psychiatrist just says that I have severe panic disorder and it can be normal to hear things as long as they are not telling you to hurt yourself or others. It helps me when I journal, talk to a friend or even just talk out loud. When I talk out loud it puts me back in the present and forces my mind to slow down

[Hudlebert]

Wow, was not expecting that response! Thanks so much for the support guys, it means alot. I was having a pretty bad day when I wrote this, dunno why. But hearing that there are other people who've gone through the same sorta thing is reassuring. I don't have a family history of schizophrenia or anything, but I have done other drugs (mdma and lsd both once) and I guess I've always been a bit of a worrier so this whole thing has kinda freaked me out. I am getting some therapy as well which is helpful but I've only just started it and I'm finding remembering all the techniques tricky, getting there though. Once again cheers

[Missnoname]

Hey. Hope you are feeling better. Schizophrenia has a strong genetic component. Just remind yourself that different isn't always ill or damaged! Having insight is 80% of the battle. And few schizophrenics can distinguish delusion/hallucination from reality. Try focusing less on the diagnosis and more on coping techniques. I feel better when I remind myself I have to accept what I am and focus on learning to lead a productive life with my symptoms rather than allowing myself to believe that I am either ill or well. I try to live more in the gray and avoid the black and white. 😊