Hi everyone, sorry I'm such a downer but I really feel like I need to get this off my chest and just need someone to listen. I've been feeling really depressed lately. I have severe anxiety, panic, obsessional thoughts, and ptsd. I also suffer from derealization and depression. This all happened after something traumatic happened to one of my family members and shocked everyone. Over the years I have been getting proggresively worse and last year, I hit rock bottom (i hope, because I cant handle anything lower than this). The anxiety and depression are constant. I have issues with physical symptoms (constant nausea, headaches, random pains, etc) and can barely bring myself out of the house. I pretty much panic in every situation I'm in. I don't have the motivation to do anything and I constantly feel like I'm losing my mind (my worst fear). Anyway, ontop of all this, my big issue at the moment is my social anxiety. I've been painfully shy since I was a little kid. I never really had many friends (usually 1 or 2) and I find it really, REALLY hard to be in social situations. I just returned to school at the beginning of September (I'm in grade 12 now) and its been brutal. I literally have no friends at all... I'm always by myself and I feel really depressed at school because no one talks to me. I've always gotten straight a's but its becoming increasingly difficult to focus, concentrate, and remember things. I barely remember anything because I'm so anxious these days. My not eating as much as I should (due to constant nausea) probably contributes to the memory issues too. Plus i barely sleep because I'm always so tense and on edge. I cant find the motivation to do my homework either. I have to get good grades this year because they matter for university next year. I can't remember the last time I felt happiness. I'm so self conscious that Im embarrased to be in public because I dont want people to see my gross face. I never EVER leave the house without makeup on. No matter how many people tell me I'm pretty (which family and random strangers often do), I think theyre lying or just saying it to be nice. I think I'm so ugly and I hate myself. I've never been in a relationship (which leads me to think I'm ugly and I have no friends). The friends I do have at school are not considered "friends" to me. They're just hi and bye kinda friends where we only talk about basic things like the weather. The one best friend I've had my whole life goes to a different school and got involved with drugs and stuff (which I am completely against). She's a different person now and I realized that she only uses me so we don't talk. Now I'm completely alone. It feels hard to connect with people when the only thing I can focus on is my anxiety and I'm barely there mentally. It feels like I'm hiding a huge secret (my anxiety) but I don't trust to tell people because I feel like they'll judge me. I just feel so lonely and people say highschool is supposed to be the best years where you make memories and the most interesting memory I have is one party that I went to back in grade 9 where I was so awkward and anxious. I would never be able to be in that atmosphere now without running out in panic. I feel like everyone looks at me like I'm ugly and that they all think I'm weird or a loner. I'm very introverted, shy, and awkward. I never know what to say or where to put my hands and I worry that theres something on my face or in my teeth or that people judge me. I feel so low, ugly, weird, and like I don't fit in. I would be so grateful to even have just one good friend. And its my 17th birthday in about a week but I don't have any friends to celebrate with.... The only person I love and trust is my mom, she is the only one who truly cares for me. But due to family issues (lots of family issues that I believe my problems stem from, but I'm too scared to tell a therapist or share) we've been going through I feel so guilty and she's so stressed out and I hate making her sad with all my issues. She's not working, right now and that makes me anxious. I just want her to be happy. So anyway, my life is a disaster. I dont feel happy at home, I dont feel happy out, and I feel stuck. Especially with my derealization/depersonalization. It feels like life is not worth living. I feel so worthless, hopeless, helpless, and like nothing will ever be okay. Just when I think things cant get worse, they do. I've tried speaking to a therapist (didnt work because I didnt open up fully), Ive tried an antidepressant (that did not really help) and I dont know what else to do. Im scared and sad. I need something to bring me out of this tortorous life. My heart literally physically aches from the amount of emotional pain I feel.
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