OK, this is probably gonna be a wall of text so sorry in advance but I'm feeling pretty lost and like I'm gradually going insane. I've. been suffering from anxiety and a bit of depression due mainly to dyspraxia and lack of self esteem since about December and decided to start on antidepressants in January. I smoked weed a couple weeks later with some mates and had paranoia the likes of which I have never experienced before. I was convinced we were going to crash and die, and it was like there was a tape playing in my head of what was going to happen. Of course, nothing happened but the fact that I was totally convinced and bought into it absolutely terrified me. And I haven't really felt myself since. I've smoked weed in very small amounts a couple times since and I start to get the same sort of paranoid thoughts, so no more weed for me. I felt the Citalopram wasn't really helping much and was making me feel really weird so came off it in early March. I tapered off it over a few days (my dad's a gp and said that was fine) but since then I've taken another turn for the worse. I feel anxious pretty much all the time. I have persistent negative and weird thoughts, am seeing things out of the corner of my eye and faces in things, I also sometimes smell things that aren't there and sometimes hear things in background noise and misinterpret sounds. I guess I probably haven't been helping myself in that I keep looking up about schizophrenia and have basically managed to convince myself I'm in the prodromal phase of a breakdown. Both my doctor and a psychologist have said that what I have is anxiety and after hearing that I feel better for a bit but then always come back to "what if you haven't told them everything" or "what if they've misinterpreted what you've said" and since I had an experience where I kinda lost it I'm terrified of that happening again.
I have such a fear of this that I'm scared to do pretty much anything. I've got dyspraxia and have never had much self confidence and have always felt inferior to pretty much everyone but right now my self esteem is totally non existent. I managed to get a job which keeps me busy but I feel like I'm shit at it, mess up alot which knocks me more. I feel like my short term memory is shit, my head feels fogged up and I can't concentrate on anything. My coworkers are very understanding and supportive but I keep thinking that they're just saying that and they actually think I'm useless (how can they not). Overall my head just feels like it's in a really weird place right now, I feel like my life has sorta paused and I'm just surviving day to day. I'm 23 had loads of ideas for the future but I feel like i just couldn't achieve anything in my current head space. I've always been something of a late bloomer and feel like there's a lot of life I haven't experienced yet and now I never will. I'm feeling pretty stuck right now and would appreciate any advice, cheers.