Why am I like this

[Samsham]

Hi, this is my first time posting. As far back as I can remember, I've been told I'm shy and I lack confidence. I have always struggled with social situations. I do not feel comfortable with anyone but my husband and I do not feel comfortable anywhere but my home. I feel awkward around everyone, even my parents and siblings. I don't know how to have a conversation, I spend the whole time trying to make the amount of eye contact I think I should and desperately try to fill the awkward silences. I don't know where to look or what to do when out walking or on public transport or shopping. I feel like this speaking to my siblings and parents aswell. Every conversation with anyone but my husband is difficult and i have to work at it to make it seem as normal as possible but i spend the conversation feeling awkward, anxious and trying to do and say what i think is normal. I struggle to make friends and feel isolated. I worry about going to new places- I need to research and know exactly what route to take and how to get there and what time to leave. I feel anxious about finding the door, about finding toilets or the room I'm going to. I worry about what people think of me and people looking at me when I'm out. I've always told myself I'm shy and not confident. But something made me realise today that all these things don't seem like just being shy and no one knows this is how I feel every day. Everything is a challenge. I have other things like all labels have to face forward, I feel uncomfortable anywhere but home, in anyone else's house, if I'm sleeping over, I feel uncomfortable and struggle to sleep, I feel like the bed and the covers and the pillow can't touch me,I don't like it. I don't like my feet touching the floor anywhere but my own home. Even at my mums, at hotels- no matter how clean they are. There's so many things that I put down to being shy but now I wonder if this is social anxiety disorder, possibly some form of autism, I really don't know. I just know that I've never understood why I am this way and I've always known its not normal but I'm ashamed of it

[Zeldor1]

Read some personal accounts of avoidant personality disorder, AVPD, possibly comorbid with OCD, and see if it resonates.

[Cat33]

Hello Samsham I am so sorry that you are feeling the way you do

I am the same in that I won't go out with anyone but my husband I have friends but the thought of going out for what others call "girlie days out" shopping going for a coffee etc I just cannot do because of anxiety

My feelings stem back to my mum and the way she treated me she often said she never wanted me my sister was the favourite she once said who would want to know me and lots of other hurtful comments and I never felt as good as anyone else but I'm better now and I actually don't care now I never thought I would ever feel like that

Did you ever have a trauma like that that could have made you feel the way you do ?

I don't think it's autism as my son has autism

Have you ever talked to a professional about this ?

I'm sure it would help -it did for me

I really enjoy conversations and feel I am just as good as anyone else

People on the whole are good and kind and see you in a totally different way to how you see yourself

Never be ashamed ever would you be ashamed if you had diabetes or something no you wouldn't

You really need so much to learn to be kind to yourself love yourself for who you are I promise you shy people are so much more appealing than confident intimidating people

Please think of talking to someone as I'm sure it will unlock something that will change the way you feel

I wish you loads of happiness to come take care x

[Samsham in reply to Cat33]

Thankyou so much for your reply and kind words. I'm sorry you went through that. It's awful and not having that self worth affects everything. I'm so glad you're feeling better xx were you diagnosed with anything if you don't mind me asking?

Yes, I do have childhood trauma that I'm sure contributed. As far back as I can remember I've felt like this and been anxious about social situations. My earliest memory from when I was around 3 is of visiting my aunts house with my mum. She told me beforehand I have to talk while I'm there. I didn't, I always felt nervous and anxious around people. When we got home, I'll just say I was punished for not speaking. That happened often growing up and I didn't understand why I couldn't just talk to people like everyone else did. Being punished for it just made things worse. I want to be social, I want to make friends easily but I can't seem to manage it

[Cat33]

Hello Well I'm glad that you have been able to pinpoint what triggered all this as you can and will get better from this and think about your self worth in a totally different way

People just don't realise what harm that parents can do to a child and later life To tell you to talk at 3 yrs old and then get punished was beyond wrong

Now, I found that talking talking and more talking about it has changed my life

I got all the bad memories out of me and they haven't gone back and now I talk about the happy times I had as a child

Think about all the people in your life how do they treat you are they kind to you ? If they are that tells you that you are a lovely person

Think too how they might be feeling how do you know they aren't feeling like you are

You are just as good as anyone else

Think of nice things in your life try some mindfulness looking at things around you and it will make you feel good inside

When you go out with your husband talk to complete strangers see the reaction and feel the nice way it makes you feel You don't have to see them again please try it

Baby steps and you will conquer this horrible thing that has stopped you living a happy life

Yes I was diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder

I am told I'm a lovely person a lot and now I believe them

If I can help then please chat anytime I can't bear to think of you suffering like this as I know what it's like x

[stde]

In the past I experienced times like this until I understood it is a overactive mind stuck in hyper awareness....it does not have to be permanent. Firstly I would explain to Doctor for meds to slow you down and rest your mind, then if you can spend time alone in the silence of nature for 30 mins minimum each morning...Also what helped me was listening to Sadguru on you tube who explained and changed my perspective on many subjects...

I sincerely wish you well, it is only a journey you are on, learn and you will succeed🙏