I really need some help. I've suffered with anxiety since I was 13 years old, depression since 16 years old, suicidal thoughts and self harm since 18 years old and I'm now 20, and I've developed OCD with symptoms of Bipolar disorder too. I've been through 5 years of CBT, psychotherapy, drug rehabilitation therapy, and just plain counselling, but none of it helped, in fact, I was better before starting therapy than I am now, 5 years later. No professional seems to know what to do with me. I've had all the symptoms, including self harming and suicidal thoughts, I have attempted suicide twice in the last 2 years. I just can't live like this any more, 7 years of torture, I don't know how much longer I can live with it.
I dropped out of college when I was 18 because I was suicidal, college kicked me off campus for a week because I became a danger to myself, others and the college's reputation. After that I couldn't face going back again, so I dropped out, it was a 2 year course and I was about to complete year 1, it was a level 3 diploma and the biggest step towards me getting my dream job, but of course that is all in tatters now because of frigging mental illness.
What sparked my self harming, suicidal thoughts and attempts, and severe depression, never experienced before, was my younger sister attempting suicide, and then my mother did the same thing. It was a huge family crisis and it happened during my studies, which completely ruined everything. It has been 2 years since that, and the family is getting stronger slowly, but we are still not perfect. Mental illness runs in my family, everyone is taking anxiety and depression medication apart from me and my older brother, he's an alcoholic and has anger problems, so none of us are perfect, no wonder I developed this at a young age.
Since age 16 I've been going to my GP to ask for help, in medication form. I believe I can help myself, I never ask anybody for help, I hate talking about my problems with live people (although I am alright doing it through a computer), it makes me feel weak and I have emotional difficulties, I cannot cry, so because of this my doctor just doesn't seem to believe my anxiety and depression are as bad as I say they are. I also don't like asking and accepting help, so counselling and talking therapies are useless to me, they make me feel worse, 'getting it off my chest' does not change anything for me. My doctor has been refusing me medication since I was 16, I have not asked since about a year ago, but I have an appointment on Wednesday next week to try again, as for the past few months my anxiety has rendered me with lots of other accumulating problems, such as migraines and irritable bowel.
I believe that medication to stop the anxiety and lift my 24/7 depressive mood, would open up so many opportunities for me. I'm 20 years old and I haven't done anything like what my friends (well, my old college friends, isolating myself for 2 years now has left me with no friends) are doing, they all have jobs, their own flats/houses, some even have kids and are married already, they did their driving tests and have cars and go out every weekend to party with friends etc. Yet here I am, for the past 2.5 years since leaving college all I have done is lock myself in my room, playing Xbox 24/7, I rarely even talk to my family in the same house. The only time I leave my room is for either the bathroom, food or a very important appointment that I MUST go to, like my benefit appointment or doctors apps etc, I'm not even kidding or being dramatic here, this is my life day in and day out. I have terrible social anxiety so going outside of the house is very stressful and traumatic for me, I can't even go to the cash machine to withdraw money, I'm 20 and I still need my Mum to do everything for me, it's very wrong.
I am quite strong inside and I can put on a brave face for everybody, I've learned to do that since I was young and my Dad left my Mum and she got very bad depression, I had to be strong for her, and it has been this way ever since. I am not a lazy person, I have dreams and aspirations like any other person, I want to be normal, get a job, do my driving lessons, have a family, go out partying every weekend, be social etc, and I would do all of this without a problem if my mind didn't get overwhelmed with crippling anxiety whenever the occasion comes around.
My anxiety is so bad nowadays that I am in constant 'flight mode', there can be nothing going on at all, but I am sat there sweating, shaking and worrying for no reason. There doesn't need to be a trigger anymore, or there can be small triggers, loud noises make me very anxious and I've lived next to a motorway my entire life, the loud sounds from the cars never bothered me before, but now I can hear them x1000 volume and I feel the vibrations in my brain, it's making me feel like I want to scream, also the radio, music and the vacuum bothers me. I'm hearing voices a lot, lots of negative thoughts are flooding my brain and I'm suffering with migraines and memory loss, also feeling tired and dizzy a lot, I'm forgetting simple tasks, I even forgot how to put my bra on the other day, it's just ridiculous and it's about time something was done medicinally to help me relax.
Due to being refused medication for my mental illnesses for so many years, I decided (and very stupidly) to help myself by taking solpediene, which is an OTC painkiller containing paracetamol, codeine and caffeine, I take up to 12 of these tablets a day, I also smoke around 20-30 cigarettes a day too, depending on how stressed I am. I now have physical problems as a result of this, such as high blood pressure, rapid heart beat, constant chest infections, kidney stones, acid reflux, indigestion, constipation, migraines, and kidney infections, lets not forget the most important problem - addiction. I went to drug therapy but they were only treating my drug problem, not the root cause which is anxiety, depression and stress, so of course that gave me no help either.
I have now been out of any therapy for 2 years, I've coped alright I suppose but nothing is getting better, only worse. I was denied medication due to being too young, but my younger sister who is 16 has just been prescribed them, and this of course made me very angry and depressed as it's just not fair, why can't I have them but everyone else can? Am I not believable enough? I think everyone will think I'm just an attention seeker when I tell them how bad things are, as they seem to do so, nobody takes me seriously or wants to help me, I feel so alone like I will never get help. Mental illness really does ruin your life, my future is nothing if professionals will continue to deny me assistance.
Anxiety is making me so ill
Anxiety chest pain chest feels uncomfortable making me panic 
Does anyone else feel less anxious at night?
\"THE DRUGS DONT WORK,THEY JUST MAKE IT WORSE,BUT I KNOW I'LL SEE YOUR FACE AGAIN\"
Is anxiety making me feel like I'm falling out of love?
