Need Help...dont know what is happening to me

Hello everyone,

I really need some help. I have suffered from anxiety disorder my whole life but I am not sure if that is what is behind how i have been feeling lately.

I have absolutely HORRIBLE depersonalization/derealization and extremely bothersome intrusivethoughts/images and feelings. For some reason, I suffer mainly from self harm OCD, even though I've never had ocd before in my life. So to me, it makes no sense. These harmful thoughts are literally driving me crazy. One of them is the CONSTANT feeling every single day, all day, that I am going to die. And the means of that happening is through suicide. I am terrified of that happening and I can't get it under control. I feel like I have lost my mind. I have never even thought about suicide in a general way EVER, and for it to be constantly in my head and won't leave me alone is awful and scary to say the least. I hope this is not what they call 'suicidal thoughts' because if so, I am in big trouble..

Thank you in advance to anyone who is able to help me. It is greatly appreciated!!!!

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13 Replies

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  • Have you seen your gp? Are you on any medication? Severe anxiety and panic will give you those feeling. I remember thinking I'd love to jump from the balcony to experience flying! Yet if anyone asked if I had thought of harming myself I could give a resounding no! Iv never thought about harming myself but thinking about the fall gave me focus as if I was trying so hard to distract myself! At that time in my life I was in relationship I didn't really want to be in. I think this is where it stemmed from.

    When I'm feeling really bad I try to distract myself until I relax and the feeling passes.

    Try reading a book. It will take a while to focus on the book but persevere. Alternatively try thinking of 5 things you can see, 5 things you can smell, 5 things you can hear, 5 colours you can see. It's so simple but amazing how quickly it distracts you and stops the bad thought that was creeping in.

    Thinking your are going to die is a really common fear anxiety gives you. If your really worked up the worst that can happen is you faint. You won't die. Your perfectly healthy, just your mind is tired. Do you sleep at night? I was but I was once told that although I'm sleeping my brain isn't resting due to the anxiety therefore when I woke I felt 'weird' and anxious. I took sleeping tablets to allow my brain to rest. Within a week I honestly felt like a new person! Who knew I just needed some rest! Maybe worth a try?

    If you haven't already seen you gp I would as counselling may help you x if your having suicidal thoughts then they will arrange counselling fairly quickly.

    Everyone has their own troubles with anxiety and their own ways to live with it but maybe iv said something that may help. Talking about it and being open is a major step forward x

  • Hi, I'd like to think you have had medical intervention for your suffering!! Obviously not knowing if you still see anyone about it. If not you do need to contact your GP. You need help and someone to talk through it with.Life is hard for everyone at times.Mental health issues are a massive problem and none of us are immune from it.I also think you'd be surprised how many people do have suicidal thoughts at some point in there life. OCD seems to appear when people feel out of control with a situation or have had a trauma!! The same as self harming. I am by no means a medical person but through my observations and interactions with people through my life I have seen why certain things happen. I do work in a care environment and have for many years. it's always better to try treat the cause rather than the symptoms or ultimately the problem never really goes away. I believe whole heartedly thatvyou CAN get better. You just need the right help. If you haven't already then it's best to contact your doctor and tell him/her how your feeling. Good luck.

  • Thank you so much for your reply! The thing is that I am not sure if I am having suicidal thoughts because I don't voluntarily think or dream about committing it, I get intrusive, scary constant feeling and worry of it. Is that classified as having 'suicidal thoughts'? Now I am REALLY going to have a breakdown because I DON'T WANT TO DIE!!!! :( I just don't know why i constantly have this fear and feeling all day long!

  • When I was younger,I tried psychedelic mushrooms,and afterward had those exact intrusive thoughts,and feelings. I don't mean while I was on them,I mean for like months and months afterwards...I felt very out of touch with humanity,like I just didn't belong. I would constantly worry and think about dying,and get crazy flashes of disturbing thoughts and images..I became so depressed and out of touch,having panicked attacks constantly. I got on a depression medication and began the process of getting my GED. I also joined a track team. All the distractions,and physical interactions helped keep my mind occupied.It also helps to read while u go to bed,to keep intrusive thoughts from creeping in! After a while I wasn't even thinking about being depressed anymore,I was just living my life happily! So in short,I'd try depression meds,and adding lots of distractions,and u can get better! There is a better life waiting for you,free of ur depression!

  • Can I ask how old you are? It's just when I was much younger I went through a period of thinking I was going to die!! Even to the point I used to see myself laying in a coffin in my dreams!! 30 something years later I'm still here. Have you lost someone close to you? It's very unlikely you are going to die anytime soon so please try not to worry. I can tell you what has helped me and I can even say changed my life really. I started meditation and mindfulness classes. I can honestly say it's one of the best things I've ever done. When you master it which happens quite quickly it's quite magical. I also love to walk, even if I feel too tired and not too well I have my walk and it makes me feel so much better.Its also good to keep your mind busy with other things. Try do things you enjoy because while your doing that your not worrying.

  • Thank you so much for your post it is so relatable in my exact situation.

  • Derealization/depersonalization is the worst feeling in the world. Just know you aren't alone!

  • Thank you Ashley! Yes, it is the worst feeling in the world! Do you know what causes it??? And how do I know that I am not going to die because I get scary, graphic and disturbing images that flash into my head involuntarily that is causing me so much stress I feel like I am going to have a nervous breakdown! Plus, nothing in life makes any sort of sense to me. Like I am an alien on some strange planet. I literally question everything like I have amnesia or Alzheimer's disease. By the way, I am an adult. 35 years old and have 2 children.

  • hey, if i could offer up any advice, i was going through the same thing, the other day with my anxiety... its not that you are suicidal , i believe its just when you have anxiety and panic, you think of EVERY SCARY Thing you could possibly imagine! and then when you think of it , you get even more scared because now you are questioning your sanity. ITs just right now, you are very scared and you don't like the feelings that you are feeling right now,, and since worry , fear and panic, are all negative FEELINGS, guess what comes next? YUP... THOUGHTS! Negative thoughts? what helped me is writing all of those thoughts down in a diary... that keeps you present... What i have learned through this site is that , its very normal to think , obsess , and imagine THE WORST THOUGHTS ever.

    My advice to you is to , Find a way to meditate, (its not going to be easy at first but every day gets better) 2. Belly breathing 3. Lets your anxiety just pass through you, and then read some thing positive, so that you can fill your self up with positive vibes... 4. Get in contact with your Therapist or GP. OR continue to write to us , and we will help you!

    You can message me any time, i can give you my insight on what I've been going through! BELIEVE that you will get through this and it will pass!

  • Yes that is exactly what it feels like. Almost like a dream state and I start questioning reality. Looking at everything familiar as if I just saw it for the first time. Anxiety is very hard. But it will pass. I went for a run and that definitely helps. Breathing as well. It'll pass it always does. Thank you for sharing! You aren't alone in those exact feelings! Your not crazy.

  • When is this going to pass though? I have had it continuous, 24/7 for the past 2 months! And I cant seem to recognize anything. My own family members, my house, everything that occurs on a daily basis (going to work, cleaning, taking care of my kids, even as far as getting dressed!) ALL seem unfamiliar to me. I just don't get it. I don't know what has caused me to feel like this. I also don't understand why I have the intrusive thoughts. Did you get yours in the context of images? Mine are flashing, scary images. I get an image of me killing myself, either by hanging or a gun to my head. It causes me such an incredible amount of distress...I cant deal with it! And I also cant handle the constant, 24/7 fear that I am going to commit suicide. It is like the fear of someone is going to kill me. I am literally afraid of myself!!!!! That is exactly what it is. I am terrified of my own self. I have lost it!

  • You by far have not lost it. Mine periodically goes away and returns. Exercise and an occasional glass of wine help instantly but it returns. Just know your not alone in any of that! I know those scary intrusive thoughts are terrifying but it's some way of your body trying to protect you. It's just anxiety you have to remember that! If you were crazy you wouldn't realize it!

  • Hi I've been the same....every day I think is my last....dizzy sick headache strange inside feelings shakes....the list goes on... I really hope your OK....this is the worst illness ... x

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