I am writing this at 8am. I haven't slept all night and I am about to call in to work to say I am ill again after having to take a day off last week.
I don't know if I can take anymore. Everything is falling apart around me. My marriage, my job, my family, my life. I just don't think I am strong enough to have any kind of proper life. This has been at least 15 years of my life. So many wasted years. So many disappointments and pain. One step forward, two steps back. I am going to lose everything and have no life. No wife, no job, nowhere to live and no happiness. I had two big panic attacks yesterday but I thought maybe I was happy or could be. I had found a new short term flat to live in due to a situation that is too long to go into now but anyway but I came to realise that i am not strong enough to deal with any situations or responsibility. Anxiety and panic attacks have ruined my life and now they are ruining any chance of me even trying to believe I can make it. After all this time of GP's and some counselling and some clinical hypnotherapy, only now did I get a diagnosis of social anxiety and that after a half hour assessment over the phone in order to get CBT. I am so stupid. When I saw my GP at the beginning of may and she suggested medication to help me get through this time whilst I waited for CBT but I said no I would try therapy and see if I could make it without any drugs. But as the last month has shown, without any support from anywhere and only the promise of CBT at some distant point in the future I can't do this. I am sooooo tired and angry and disappointed with myself and everything. I don't even know if medication can help. You can read so many accounts and guidance and advice that contradict each other and then discuss the side effects and finding the right medication for you personally that this adds and builds and builds up my fear and anxiety. Increasing this feeling in my head and in my body that I will never be able to make any progress or feel like a person who can enjoy life and make progress and move forward. I am sorry this is so negative. I am lost. I have called some the health organisations this past week and some were better than others. I spoke to a very nice lady who was very understanding this morning and every little helps. But I can't breath, I can't think clearly. I know many if not all of you who read will understand and relate. I know I am not alone and that you all suffer and struggle and have your good and bad days. Today is one of my very bad days. I want to believe that it will be ok but I can't right now. I don't know how to. I can't get rid of this feeling. Panic attacks and anxiey every day, big and small. Sometimes massive and I keep going, keep going. But if I lose my job and and my wife ok then...but what if I still don't get better? No matter what therapy or medication?
Have to call work.