Falling apart again

I am writing this at 8am. I haven't slept all night and I am about to call in to work to say I am ill again after having to take a day off last week.

I don't know if I can take anymore. Everything is falling apart around me. My marriage, my job, my family, my life. I just don't think I am strong enough to have any kind of proper life. This has been at least 15 years of my life. So many wasted years. So many disappointments and pain. One step forward, two steps back. I am going to lose everything and have no life. No wife, no job, nowhere to live and no happiness. I had two big panic attacks yesterday but I thought maybe I was happy or could be. I had found a new short term flat to live in due to a situation that is too long to go into now but anyway but I came to realise that i am not strong enough to deal with any situations or responsibility. Anxiety and panic attacks have ruined my life and now they are ruining any chance of me even trying to believe I can make it. After all this time of GP's and some counselling and some clinical hypnotherapy, only now did I get a diagnosis of social anxiety and that after a half hour assessment over the phone in order to get CBT. I am so stupid. When I saw my GP at the beginning of may and she suggested medication to help me get through this time whilst I waited for CBT but I said no I would try therapy and see if I could make it without any drugs. But as the last month has shown, without any support from anywhere and only the promise of CBT at some distant point in the future I can't do this. I am sooooo tired and angry and disappointed with myself and everything. I don't even know if medication can help. You can read so many accounts and guidance and advice that contradict each other and then discuss the side effects and finding the right medication for you personally that this adds and builds and builds up my fear and anxiety. Increasing this feeling in my head and in my body that I will never be able to make any progress or feel like a person who can enjoy life and make progress and move forward. I am sorry this is so negative. I am lost. I have called some the health organisations this past week and some were better than others. I spoke to a very nice lady who was very understanding this morning and every little helps. But I can't breath, I can't think clearly. I know many if not all of you who read will understand and relate. I know I am not alone and that you all suffer and struggle and have your good and bad days. Today is one of my very bad days. I want to believe that it will be ok but I can't right now. I don't know how to. I can't get rid of this feeling. Panic attacks and anxiey every day, big and small. Sometimes massive and I keep going, keep going. But if I lose my job and and my wife ok then...but what if I still don't get better? No matter what therapy or medication?

Have to call work.

11 Replies

  • Morning emido,

    Try not to make any lasting decisions whilst anxious, we usually either run as we think we cant handle stuff, or fight, why/

    Because anxiety is fight or flight (run) plain annd simple, yet it can take over our lives if we start acting on our catastrophising thoughts.

    I'm not one for medication, but for the short term it maybe something to seriously consider, untill you can get your life in order.

    The CBT is good, and I do recommend it, but like you say, how long before the start date actually arrives is anyones guess.

    In the mean time you could try some positive stuff, like breathing exercises, as you mentioned your having breathing difficulties, here the main focus is extending the out breath, and this will balance your oxygen levels, so deep breath in count say to 4 and out for say 8, its not rigid, and ideally you want to get to a place where you just observe your breath rather than try to control it.

    Mindfullness is good to practice when your in calmer states too, far to many say I haven't got time for all this, then start doing it in a panic state, lol. Not the best place to try something new what ever it is.

    Here there are some good explanations to why we are anxious, depressed etc, and its free initially, I'm doing the take 10 which is free and is trying mindfullness out for 10 minutes each day. Try it, as you dont have anything to loose.


    Also get some exercise, say a brisk walk.

    here, its important to be aware of how you are approaching the walk, is it mindless drudgery? or are you going on the walk and actually having a look around as you walk, this helps as it engages the brain, but dont force anything, and also dont allow yourself to do nothing just in case something happens.

    Our anxiety needs to be faced, not by taking on the whole worlds problems, just the one that is an immediate problem, never take on more than one thing at a time as multi tasking is a sure fire way of burning your brain out. One step at a time, its quicker, more thorough and far less stressfull.

    I would say although I dont know the situation, that maybe you could, talk with your wife, without any blaming, without judging and see if there is still love in your marriage. Its so easy to RUN and here the anxiety is ruling your life, but is it what is for the best.

    Sometime we say the grass is greener on the other side, but sometimes, just appreciating the grass we have is better.

    Take stock of what you already have, what you may feel you need now, is maybe the anxiety talking, so just be aware, anxiety is a sneaky bugger, and can ruin lives.

    the key to dealing with anxiety, is when we feel panic, i.e. the fight or flight response we do not do those too things, we dont fight, and we dont run, we face the situation as much as possible, we accept what going on, knowing that although the intensity will rise, if allowed by not reacting and being kind to ourselves it will subside.

    If we dont switch the switch of fight or flight it will subside, and its that simple, and really bloody difficult to do, :-) but take heart, it is possible, maybe just in a small stage at first, but keep at it, and it gets easier.

    wishing you well, and keep chatting there's a thousand years of experiencing this on here with all of us combined, and lots that do experience the social anxiety too.


  • Hi emido

    Firstly you are neither weak nor stupid. If you are not sleeping and continuing to feel worse then please see your gp. I've struggled with anxiety/depression/panics for 20+ years and it is an illness that you can get help for. I didn't want to take medication or be signed off work sick i wanted to get better by myself but its the best thing I did as I just got worse and the meds lifted me up until i was stronger and then combined with therapy i got better. Baylien has given some fab advice and I have learned also to focus on one thing and when I catch myself dashing around and mashing up my head I stop, breathe and focus on what is happening right now, what can you see, hear or smell and it calms me down again and I carry on slowly. Meds are a personal choice but if you've tried all the self help techniques and are still getting worse they are worth considering. Theres a guy on the lorraine show talking about depression have a look online if you have time. anxiety is NOT a sign of weakness take care love eve x

  • Morning Emido.

    I have been going through a similar situation as yourself. I also have sleep deprivation. Sometimes I have not slept for 5 days of nights on the trot. I suffer with GAD and take two types of medication for it. My GP basically gave me meds and sent me on my way. I then went several more times when I was in a really bad way and they referred me to a outreach place and got a heath worker. Not really done much for me yet and I posted a blog here on Saturday as I was really low and at the end. I feel a little better now.

    B is right is. Looking deep into it just heightens the anxiety. I haven mastered the key of dealing with the affects. We can not give up the fight. We are all in this together.

  • Thank you all so much for your comments.

    Baylien, I know that what you say makes so much sense. There is so much going on that I can't think straight. My wife has always been patient and understanding but this is all too much for her right now and I completely understand. She is in the final stages of her studies, she is stressed out of her mind and she is away, abroad, trying to finish as the whole situation here with got too much for her to concentrate on what she is doing. So having to worry about me from afar and knowing she can't come and save me or take on this recent escalation in my condition is killing her. There is so much to do and honestly doing one thing at a time really doesnt feel like an option. Maybe if I can get my head straight then I can believe that I can do one thing at a time. I want to see my regular GP as she understands to some degree what I have been going through, but she is away this week and I don't want to see a random GP especially as I want to discuss medication to help me through this period I am spinning out of control.

    I have books and I have looked at websites. I have tried meditation podcasts and some suggested sites liike moodjuice and Baylien, I will look at the one you suggested. I just can't seem to stay focused on any of them. I think I don't believe or my concentration and self-belief has gone so low that I don't know what I can do.

    I have always been better at focusing on other people and trying to solve their problems and help them out. I am also aware that this has allowed myself to submerge my problems and trick myself into thinking I am coping when things are stable but underneath, all the time, is this sinking feeling that I am never going to be well. As I write I realise I am being so negative and bleak. Even now the idea that I will not be able to see my GP until next thursday is very upsetting and there is nowhere to turn to get something practical to help me in this moment. I can only try and get support from here and pull myself together as best I can. If I can just keep, I was going to say fighting! But as Baylien that is not what I should do. I should accept that this is a stressful time. That I am experiencing anxiety and stress. That thinks look fairly hopeless but I can make it through. If I can take on board your comments and support and try these exercises, maybe I can make it through each day and maybe it will become a little easier. I am scared about what the week will bring.

  • I am so lost right now and overwhelmed that I don't know what to do. I feel like I write on here and I called no panic and anxiety uk and a few others and to a greater or lesser degree they have helped in the moment. But I am here at home and I don't know what to do. Would calling NHS direct do any good? Or is it, as I suspect, a waste of time??

    My Mum went through a breakdown in March and she suffers from most of the same symptoms. I tried to help with and so did my wife and brothers and sisters. It was a nightmare. I spent over 12 hours in a & e waiting for her to have tests and to see psychiatrists and eventually they sent her home. This happened twice. I couldn't take it. After being there for over 12 hours and no-one else coming to support on that day I had to just leave and call someone to force them to go there. I also called NHS direct for her and a doctor came and recommended therapy treatments but it was all so horrible. It went on through march and april and continues until now. She has now retired and sits looking out the window or staring at the TV waiting for some kind of counselling and therapy but she was told it would be three months, at least.

    In two or three months where will I be?

    I am trying to take on board what everyone says.

    This happened before and I lost everything. Five years of life wasted in misery. No confidence, no friends, shut myself off. Lived in a flat by myself, shut in unable to live a life. Now I had a second chance and I didn't follow up and try my best to solve these issues and I dragged someone else into this and broke my promises and broke our hearts. When I got a job, instead of seeing it as a starting point I have hung onto it even when it made me unhappy and I knew it was time to move on and move forward and make progress, but I was so scared that I wasn't good enough or that taking me out of that new found sense of security would be dangerous for me thatI didn't listen to myself or the people around me. I didn't perservere and get the treatment I needed when I was in a much better headspace than I am now.

    I have no idea how to get out of this feeling and this situation. Nothing seems like the right choice. I have to move out of here, but I am so scared of losing my job not just because of being ill but because of restructuring/possible redundancy that taking on a new flat scares the life out of me. I am so scared that if I don't do these things it will confirm that the faith my wife has lost me in me will never return and that means she will never return and I will be alone again. If you love someone you should set them free.

  • I have a GP appointment in an hour. I didnt think that I would be able to get one today. It won't be my regular GP as she is away. Not ideal, but I didn't know what else to do. Any advice/experiences from anyone on this type of situation? Any medications that are most suitable/appropriate for short/mid term term relief? I have read about some but it gets so confusing and scary.

    If I could I afford it I would call Anxiety UK and arrange CBT therapy as soon as possible, they say I could see someone in two to three weeks. But I can't afford it right now. Last year I paid for clinical hyphotherapy, I so wish I could go back to last year when that didn't work and the thearapist felt that she had helped me as much as she could. I should have tried CBT and/or medication. Instead I had some NHS conselling, six sessions and then didn't follow it up. Now it will be, judging my their estimate, at least another 6 weeks until CBT, I think for an assessment in person. Then after that who knows when therapy could start?

    Baylien, I tried the breathing exercises and I had a walk around the garden. Helps for a time. I will try and keep it up.

    Have to go out soon and get to the doctor's. Feel awful.

  • Hi emido,

    Well done that is a really positive step, you must of wrote that as I was replying below.

    Just tell the doctor everything, give them both barrels :-)

    As for medication, it was valium in my day, and I never used them all the time. I never used the new type of medications either, sorry.

    well done on the walk and breathing, keep it up, and maybe try walking further each day.

    Get put on the list for CBT to, it will take a while but aat least you will be on the list.

    wishing you well


  • Holy smokes brother you have a lot going on today... Since we can`t really advise you as a medical proff would ... I am going to make a recomendation based on experience... First off.. have been where you are..Now the last time i was as confused and hurting as you are now... I went to my local hospital and basically collapsed in the waiting room.... I need to be looked after... to be fussed up.. I was alone... I wanted someone who could help tell me it was going to be alright....Very basic stuff... 'Hey, we care, Here have somthing to eat ...spend the night and well sort it out tomorrow" kinda thing right? Now this may not be what your looking for.. but don`t ever think that there is absolutly nothing that can help..because my freind there is..keep in touch please. thinking of you peace and love ...xo steve.

  • Hi emido,

    I understand what your saying

    I've had this for 33years and only in the last 3 years, am I able to manage it drug free, so I know too how it is for you,

    Like you say it does sound like everything has hit all at once, sadly this is common too I would first get to the doctors and get some medication untill you can calm down and think a little clearer. Lack of sleep will do all sorts of stuff and you will get really confused, so I would recommend letting the doctor know about this too, and see if you can get something to help.

    I doesn't mean you have failed or are weak if you take the medication, so allow yourself to have help from the medication at least.

    I could go on answering all your two messages but I think like you say its all to much to be dealing with at one time.

    Get yourself to the doctors and even see a random one and get some help.

    What I can say, is we cannot do anything in a panic to stop it, all we can do is ride the storm untill it abates, and we do this by not acting or reacting to the panic, dont try to solve any of the problems, in this situation either, as you wont be thinking straight, they can wait.

    Send your wife a text saying, that you still love her, (assuming you still do) and appologise for adding to her stress, and that your going to get some help asap.

    That would maybe help you worry less on that score untill you can sort it all out.

    I know you need someone there right now to help, but sometimes we cant have that, and at those times we can help ourselves.

    there are people that you can talk to over the phone, I never used them, but I've heard they are very good, like the samaritans etc

    Wishing you well


  • My name is (Catryn Bothl) from UNITED STATES i was heart broken when my husband dumped me for another girl, i was really in love with him without him i was empty until i contacted Dr Olorun for a love binding spell, he cast a spell for me to get my husband back and my husband came back after 3days when he cast the spell i will advise any one in any kind of problem to contact Dr Olorun for any kind of spell on his email: Olorunoduduwaspiritualtemple@gmail.com

  • My name is (Catryn Bothl) from UNITED STATES i was heart broken when my husband dumped me for another girl, i was really in love with him without him i was empty until i contacted Dr Olorun for a love binding spell, he cast a spell for me to get my husband back and my husband came back after 3days when he cast the spell i will advise any one in any kind of problem to contact Dr Olorun for any kind of spell on his email: Olorunoduduwaspiritualtemple@gmail.com


You may also like...