I want to be a good mum again? :(

With suffering anxiety & panic attacks, it is RULING my life! My daughter does not deserve this. My question mainly is, any mums or dads out there that feel like me? Feel like a complete failure because I can't even sit by the pool & watch my girl swim, can't go to the shops? My sister had to take her to get my daughters Santa photo done this year...how the heck can I miss that???? Every Christmas present I've ordered online so I didn't have to go to the shop...what sort of pathetic excuse of a mother have I become???? I start CBT tomorrow, so fingers crossed this helps me! I take Valium for when I feel my panic attack coming on, yes it helps & I know it's not an amazing drug to be on...but for now, until I get this crazy shit going on in my life sorted...then Valium will be in it also. In regards to the Valium, my dr wanted me on 2.5mg morning & night. This didn't even come close to stopping or reducing my anxiety levels. We had a recap the other day, and thought we'd try 5mg in the morning & 2.5 in the afternoon if I needed it. I find my anxiety etc is no where near as bad in the night as it is during the day...I guess at night time when it's late my subconscious mind knows I don't have to venture out to the big wide world so my symptoms subside. I've just take 5mg now, as I could feel some heavy anxiety coming on. It's relaxes me, but now I'm pissed off with myself as my whole family are enjoying the sunshine outside eating dinner & im way in my room eating because taking 5mg makes me drowsy. Can't win!!! I've found taking 2.5mg every 2-3 hours works, but I only ever take maximum of 12.5mg of Valium a day. It's a vicious cycle, that I want to beat SO BADLY!!!!

Kelly X

11 Replies

  • Has your doctor tried you with any other tablets Hun? Try not to beat yourself up over being a bad mam cos I'm sure your not. Think about all the things you do with ur daughter and how happy she makes you and you make her. I bet your anxiety doesn't stop you enjoying cuddles with her and telling her you love her xx

  • Hi Liz,

    I'm also on Effexor, but as I've been on it 7 years & it doesn't help at all so my Dr (who's amazing) wants to me to wean off that, and put me on something else. This was the reason of the Valium as well to help me come off it as the withdrawal is horrible, but I wasn't dealing lowering my Effexor dose, starting Valium & my anxiety being crazy. So she wants me to see my therapist (tomorrow) and we will work out a plan from there.

    My little girl is my side kick, and we are ALWAYS together. But lately because of how bad my situation as been, it's been so hard for me to be around her as I don't want my negativity or sadness rubbing off on her. I never ever want her to experience what I'm going through, so right now as I'm so bad, she is out enjoying things with her dad, my sister or my mum. She never questions that I don't go anywhere which I'm so grateful for, as I don't want her to think anything of it. I just want to get better so I can be the one taking her places again & not missing out on seeing her happy :(

    When she is at home & I'm feeling "ok" we hang out as normal. Just sucks when we could be mid way doing something & the attack starts to come and I run up to my room "mummy will just be a minute Bub"...I hate it :(

    So, my way (which is wrong) I let her get away with things (she's 5) because I feel like I need to not be a "hard" parent as I feel like I owe it to her because of my struggles right now. That might not make much sense & I know it's wrong I do it, but if I can't be the mum that is normal I feel I need to be the mum who allows her to do what she wants! It's not right & I know she knows she will get away with things with me, but it's just how my head is making me feel right now.

    To be able to go to the shopping centre with my daughter one day, alone with just her & I, and I drive us there...is a dream for me. (I've stopped driving due to anxiety) hopefully one day 😢

    Thank you for you're reply Liz, I greatly appreciate it. Xxx

  • My daughters 6 and I'm just changing from one medication to another as mine was also not working. You are doing what you can when u can and that's great. And your doing everything you can to help yourself which is amazing. Here for you if you need me as I really understand what your going through xx

  • What ones are you on & changing to? I wish we could just stop one & start the other with out the withdrawal stuff :( thanks Hun, I appreciate it, same goes for you :)

    I'm such a happy & strong person...just not strong enough I don't think to kick the anxiety out of my life for good! Aaaarrrggghhh the joys of mental illnesses!


  • I'm changing from citalopram to sertraline. I'd been on citalopram for yrs and although we upped it my anxiety wasn't getting better. I'm on day 15 of the change over and it's a nightmare but I'm hoping it's worth it. It sounds mad but I believe it's cos of our strength we can get through this and get on enjoying our lives and our families again really soon xx

  • I'm not to sure what they are, they may have a different name here in Australia. Are you weening off one gradually or are you lowering one dose and able to start the other? I agree...challenging times will only make us stronger xxx

  • I've been weaning off one slowly for 8 days then they started with the others ones. It's been really hard as one comes out of your system quicker than the other ones worked. Yes they'll probably be a different name. The doctor told me to try and get out of the house as much as possible which I'm trying but is hard at times especially when you feel dizzy all the time xx

  • Wow, that's quick isn't it. Mines going to take weeks to come off :( ohhhhnthe dizziness is horrible isn't it. You feel like you need to hold on to something to walk haha. You definitely sound like you are heading down the right track though, and you'll be there in no time! You should be very proud of yourself xxx

  • I am, you just want to be "normal" again as quickly as possible don't you. We will get there together Hun, we can do this xx

  • Hi Kelly. Try the CBT. My daughter was in a similar situation to you and had a 10 week course with a brilliant therapist. She taught her a completely different way to look at and treat her anxiety and it worked!!! She still gets a little anxious now and then (she is presently as we are dealing with her having an ectopic pregnancy at the moment) but she is a different person. My grand daughter is now 3 and she is great with her. So give it a go. My daughter was on medication but was able to come off after the CBT. Good luck - you will be fine. Hugs. Xx

  • hi Kelly

    im in Australia too and I have been taking aropax for years.

    I take valium very occasionally.

    I have two boys and I feel guilty when I am unable to do things with them it sucks.

    im working hard with my councillor to get on top of this as I have let it rule my life for way too long xx

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