Partner w/anxiety wont accept my truth

[tindian03]

i am to the point to where i wanna walk away without even saying anything. he doesnt understtand how very difficult and hurt i am by his constant accusations of me cheating or doing something other than i say i did. if i doesnt make sense to him then im lying.. i stay because i tell myself he means not what he does. but i mad the mistake and catered to his disorder and it had made it impossible to work anything out. he does not know how crucial it is for him to seek profesional help and does not even consider the possibility that because he wont its destroying our relationship.. where do i go from here

[gogogirl]

Remember you still deserve a life. Welcome to this site- NAMI offers support groups also that deal with friends and family members of those who experience emotional distress like that. Remember to be kind to yourself.

[thatjuanguy]

Anxiety isn’t easy to deal with he is just scared to lose you scared to be broken again maybe even scared because he doesn’t think he’s good enough for you and that you’ll find someone who is. It’s hard enough to trust people with your heart when you “normal” but when you have anxiety and you repeatedly go over details and overthink things and you just want everything to make sense so you can stop thinking about it because you can’t until it makes sense to you. I get what your saying but you should try to see through his eyes maybe really push to talk things out just you two or together professionally.

[tindian03 in reply to thatjuanguy]

i do try to see things from his eyes and i try to understand. ive done so much research on mental disorders because this is someone i love. Because of his Anxiety and my not so awareness of it in the beginning, i treated it as any typical relationship. fights, arguements, and the telling me to leave, yet stopping me from walking out. Then came the accusations of sleeping with his brother, nephew, even niece. we started fighting so much that he cheated on me with his brothers ex girlfriend, my good friend. i was so destroyed and my heart in so much pain. he moved in with her for tthree months, the whole time he would text or call and tell me how much he loves me and misses me..long story short, i forgave him. he came home and i never brought it up or was not able to deal with all the emotions and pain i was still going thru. it bothers me that i know more about his disorder than he does. im doing everything i can not to just walk away cause i feel at times its an excuse.. how does someone who cheats somehow manage to turn things around to where now im the one cheating and that has to build up trust, and constanly believes im lying. in a normal relationship i would be done, i quit, walked away from. but anxiety is what keeps me holding on and not walking away. i know he loves me, i know a lot of the things he says is out of frustration. but it doesnt make it ok, and it starts effecting me emotionally.. i will not give up on him and us. but its so bad that he needs to seek help professionally if he wants anything to get better

[thatjuanguy in reply to tindian03]

The anxiety is not a good reason for leaving but for me cheating is unforgivable no matter what there can be no trust after that. But if he won’t seek professional help I don’t think there’s is much you can do and it’s not healthy for you to be in that situation.

[Hidden in reply to thatjuanguy]

I must say I do agree with you. XXX

[Hidden in reply to tindian03]

He might be saying you're cheating because of HIS guilt. How about marriage counseling? Love & Hugs!!! I'm here for you!! XXX

[Hidden]

I can feel your desperation and anger. Although I cannot identify with your situation, I can understand your feelings. Have you let him know just how dire the situation really is and how it has escalated? He needs to realize this and seek treatment for the continuation of your union. I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with such misunderstandings. Please keep us posted...this is a good place to vent your feelings. Praying for your peace of mind and sending hugs!!

[tindian03 in reply to Hidden]

tthank you. ive been trying for so long to find somekind of support group to help me and who understands.. all my friends tell me to leave him.. they dont know how serious anxiety is and really effects the person. so i know not to vent to tthem cause they will tell me what i dont need to hear. instead of helping me. our bigges fights are because i mention that maybe is time we both seek treatment.. he doesnt believe it will help how he fells about things or why things dont make sense.. i jus want to end it because i hate watching him in all this pain and constant hurt i feel like im causeing for staying. i don know anymore

[fauxartist]

Is it possible your partner has abandonment issues....it's a weird condition where at some point they were maybe emotionally or physically abandon by a caregiver, and in their adult relationships they push people away they most want to be with for fear they will leave them.... so they self sabotage relationships....constant reassurance by the partners of people with abandonment issues can be very tiresome....it's not about trust, it's about the fear of you leaving them....it is an oxymoron....it makes no sense to a lot of people, very difficult to understand ...especially for the partners...

Going to counselling with a therapist who understands this may be your only hope, and if they don't agree...then it's going to sadly be more of the same...no change....

[tindian03 in reply to fauxartist]

hes had ex's tha have cheated on him.. ive mentioned thatt to him because i remember him always saying that all he asks for is honesty and his ex's coouldnt do that.. then thought maybe his guiltty concious because he cheated on me.. its so frusterating

[RainneLim in reply to fauxartist]

Both faux artist and tindian03:

I totally agree with this. My previous relationship, which was also my first, ended in fire. I was pushing him away while begging him to stay. I honestly don't understand why I do that. My current relationship his has been going on for almost 3 years now. And that is because at the end of my previous relationship, I FINALLY accepted my mental disorder and reached out to my family about it and that was about 4.5 years ago.

To tindian03:

I do think your boyfriend took it too far with the cheating. There is no excuse for cheating, even if is mental health. I understand the pushing away part. I really do. Heck, I still f***ing do it and I hate myself for it. However, I think it's amazing you took him back after that and trying your best to understand him. Now, he just needs to learn to accept it himself.

I highly recommend going to a couples therapy. He may be worried and not want to go, but tell him it is because you want this relationship to grow even more. Get passed the pain and get better. Getting professional help is key at this point.

I hope all will get better and good luck! Keep us posted.

[tindian03 in reply to RainneLim]

thank you so much... i dont plan on giving up on him weather if were together or not. no one in his family has or is taking this serious. the one thing when i first started to educate myself on anxiety that was the most important. was that i know the sacrafices i was willing to make, to what extent things can possibly get, and to be 100% sure this is what i wanted.. it said that most people with anxiety have the fear of people leaving them so it ipmake it that much harder for them to trust you and open up about their anxiety. i made the choice to continue being in a relationship with him, just never imagined i wasnt as sttrong as i believed i am..

[RainneLim in reply to tindian03]

From what my boyfriend has experienced, he said that he too was scared to lose me. That my anxiety takes a lot of energy for him, but he didn't give up on me. Him, telling me how he felt, how he wants to help and also asking what he should do when I was going through an episode really helped our relationship grow.

Our first 1.5 year was difficult because of my depression. And now, my anxiety is taking a bit of a toll on our relationship. But what got us through back then and what is helping us now is trust and communication.

If your boyfriend doesn't trust you, that is different from mental disorder. If he is saying you are cheating on him, making it seem like he doesn't trust you, that is mental disorder and something you can help with. But if truly doesn't trust you, than that means it is time to walk away because you have to take care of you too. Not because you don't love him, but because in order to love him, you need to take care of yourself too.

I hope you guys can work it out. Take a whole day to spend time together and enjoy the day. But also have a conversation at the end about what you love about one another and what you hope your future can be. Then go into how you feel about his mental disorder, how it is not his fault and that you are there to support him all the way. Ask him why he is thinking you are cheating on him. Why he thinks you would leave him. What is he afraid of. And what can you do to support him when he is afraid.

It is both hard for the one with mental disorder as is for the one with not. It will cause you to feel stress and depress too. But these feelings aren't bad. These feeling mean that there is a connection between you two that can grow IF and ONLY IF you both want it to work and communicate, hopefully calmly, about what you think.

Key tips before the conversation:

1. Set rules before the conversation starts. Rules can be, let the person finish completely what they are saying.

2. Do not blame one another. It is you against the problem. Not you against each other.

3. Always remember you love one another. That is why you are having this conversation in the first place.

I hope this helps you a lot. And if you need more advice, I can also ask my boyfriend. I am sure he is more likely to understand how you feel.

[fauxartist]

If he cheated on you....what does he have to talk about.....personally...I'd end it. the more I think about it....the more I wonder if he's accusing you because he is the one really doing the cheating and trying to cover up for it....I've seen it before...the guilty party being the accuser....nope....I'd get out of this relationship...who's to say he hasn't been the one cheating all along....

[Hidden in reply to fauxartist]

Nailed again faux.....so so wise!!!! XXX

[Hidden]

I would tell him you have no choice if you want to be with me, I'm doing this out of love for you. I wish you all the best. Peace be with you! Love & hugs!!! XXX

[tindian03]

i knew when he started cheating, i called him and her out everytime. i dont hide what im feeling and dont care if i look stupid or end up being wrong. i was thinking the same thing. but i do not believe he is cheatting again. hes always here if not at work.. but i know hes been texting females trying to get sympathy and make them feel sorry for him.. so i know if he doesnt get pro help soon,, itll be just a matter of time.. but hell never get that far because ill already be gone. even though i know the obvious, i cant overlook his anxiety is what keeps up from growth.. as long as i know im doing all i can.. if he doesnt make the effort or get help if he doesnt want to destroy the rest of our relationship, then i know hes just playing on this disorder that he doest realize i became fully aware of things he can control once he is aware of it..

[Hidden in reply to tindian03]

I have a son that does this....you are the one that has to make the choice! Love & hugs!!! XXX

[gogogirl in reply to tindian03]

He cheated???? Case closed- time to walk, close the door and lock it.

[fauxartist in reply to tindian03]

how is it not cheating if he is still texting girls....playing the sympathy card is the oldest trick in the book to get laid....really!!?....dump this guy....the sooner you move on from this revolving door, the sooner you will find someone who wants a relationship with only you. He is not worth any more chances if he's texting women....it's over. Trust me on this one....it was the last straw in my situation....the final nail in the coffin of that marriage was finding emails....yeah....those kind.....there is no coming back from that....I don't see how you could trust them again.....

Listen....there are good guys out there...anxiety_59 and I both have long term mates and it is possible to find a good one....

[gogogirl]

I understand it's hard- but why expend all of this energy on someone who disrespected you? Sounds like he's using excuses to blame other people ( his exes) for his actions. Please get some support so you can move on with your life and get some relief. If others are telling you to leave him- listen up- that sounds like good advice. They are looking out for you - sounds like he is making YOU sick with his "disorder." Why would you want to work it out with someone you cannot trust?